Not having regular sex with my husband (long, sorry)

[SausageBrain]

DH is 38 and I'm 32, we've been together 8 years and have 2 dc aged 5 and 12 weeks.

Ever since I had my first ds there's been a mismatch in our sex drives, mine has gone down and his has largely stayed the same meaning he's expected the same amount of sex as before the kids came along. I also have issues with anxiety and low self esteem which have affected things at points over the years although I have had therapy and counselling for these and things are much better than they have been for a long time on that front.

DH tends to get sulky whenever he doesn't get 'enough' sex and obviously our opinions on what constitutes 'enough' differ. For example, since ds2 was born 12 weeks ago we've only had sex twice which I am aware is not very much but to be honest I just don't really feel like it very much at the moment. I bled for a long time after the birth and didn't fancy it when I was bleeding and I was worried about it hurting (although no major tearing thankfully, only a 'graze') - which it did. The last time we did it I actually told him to stop as he was hurting me and I was even trying to push him away but he didn't stop straight away. This upset me a bit and has put me off sex even more.

The last few days haven't been great between us and he spent the weekend largely ignoring me and barely looking at me. He sent me a link at the end of last week of a Google search "how to give a hand job" which I didn't like very much and ignored. He later asked me if I'd seen the link and said he didn't even want to have full sex if I wasn't up for it and would "settle" for a hand job. I said ok and I would after the kids went to bed but the baby ended up not settling until late and DH and I fell asleep on the sofa together. When I realised we'd fallen asleep on the sofa I went to bed & in his half asleep state he accused me of reneging on my promise and was annoyed and tutting (like it was premeditated). Ever since then he's barely spoken to me.

DH seems to equate sex with love and affection (he is right on that though I suppose!) and thinks (and says) I must not love him anymore. This obviously isn't true, I do love him very much and we are affectionate in other ways. In every other aspect of our relationship things are fine: we get on great, we're a great team, he's a lovely man and a great dad.

I'm not sure if IABU or he is, I suspect it's a bit of both. I am probably being a bit selfish and should make more of an effort for him. I know he ends up feeling down and unattractive (he even didn't shower over this weekend, he almost 'lets himself go') and I love him so I should do everything I can to make him feel good about himself and to express my love for him. On the flip side though he says I make him feel like "a sex pest" but sometimes all the groping and rubbing his boner on me does get annoying. None of that makes me want to have sex with him more, it has the opposite effect (as does the sulking and lack of shower). We have trouble talking about it in any productive way as he thinks IABU and I think he is a bit too.

Maybe I should just 'lie back and think of England' a bit more and 'fake it until I make it' for his sake? He says he's NBU to expect a few hand jobs if I won't sleep with him and I suppose I agree? I do feel I'm being a bit selfish but then part of me thinks it's not the fucking 1950s where I have to please my man whether I want to or not just to keep him happy but I know he feels unwanted and I can't really blame him.

Any advice or words of wisdom kind mnetters?!

I've got a H like this. it's soul destroying. He would argue it's soul destroying to be in a largely sexless marriage.

No answers here. I hate it.

Jeez, what a big man-baby. You’ve just had a baby. You’re probably seeing double from sleep deprivation, you’re still healing, and he thinks it’s helpful to add to your stresses by ignoring you and sending you articles on hand jobs? He’s being an absolutely selfish dick. Tell him to grow the hell up, calm the fuck down, and give himself a hand job. I’m sure he knows how.

I don't have any stellar advice.

I think you DH is being unreasonable and treating you unfairly as you have just had a baby and his actions are a little spiteful.

However I know what it feels like to have a higher sex drive and feel rejected- you may see his persistent desire for sex as nothing more than just sex but it really based on affection and a need to feel desired and loved.

With having such young DC scheduled sex may be work well for you?
Or a times when he is horny and you aren't maybe suggest cuddling him whilst he touches himself.

You could also suggest he gives you pleasure as you being the sole centre of sexual desire may be what you need as a turn on.

But you need to have a sit down, tell each other how you feel and what you expect from each other sexually

I think that sex is an important part of a relationship and would usually say to try and spice things up a bit and try and find ways to get your sex drive back.
BUT your DH is being a knob about it! You've only just had a baby fgs. Plus it's not much of a turn on to be constantly pestered for sex. You need time for your body to heal after childbirth and having a 12 week old is hard work, seriously who has the time or energy for sex 3 times a week when they have a little baby?
He needs to chill out! YADNBU and if he can't understand that what he is doing is wrong then he's a twat.

Your husband sounds like a selfish pig. Honestly, he rubs his erection on you? Ugh that’s just vile.
Yes - feeling constantly rejected sexually is shit. But I bet if he just backed off and supported you and showed you that he valued you as a partner and mum to his children and offered you a cuddle or a back rub without expecting sex your sex drive would eventually come back!
I know what I am talking about btw- “D”H one was exactly like that after the birth of our DD. In the end his constant pestering and sulking got so bad I felt disgusted by him and at the same time it left me with no self esteem at all. It was awful and the memory still makes me shudder.
DH 2 was very different. Yes, after the birth of our DC he did feel a bit rejected and hated the lack of sex. But we talked it through and he understood how I felt and respected my feelings. He was loving and supportive and patient and the lack of pressure meant I could relax about the whole topic. So after some time my sex drive naturally returned and we ended up having a better sex life for it in the long run. We have been together for 17 years now and our sex life is amazing. I know there are still times when he feels like it and I don’t, but the lack of pressure and the knowledge I won’t be punished with sulking when I don’t want to have sex means that qt ihn uite often our cuddles lead to me getting turned on after all! And if I don’t then it’s no big deal either!

I’m sorry to say but if he continues to refuse to discuss his attitude and behaviour then I would LTB. I have been where you are and it made my life a misery, I would do never live like that again.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. We didn’t have sex until our DD was 6 months old, and absolutely nothing from around 3 months pregnant until that point - DH didn’t feel comfortable having sex while pregnant and he didn’t want not expect anything either.

I think if this situation had been going on for a long time then maybe he could have a point - at a stretch - but he definitely isn’t helping the situation with his behaviour.

Don’t pressure yourself and don’t let him pressure you, you have no duty to him but he has a duty to you to look after you whilst you recover, because realistically, you WILL still be recovering. Just because your baby is born now doesn’t mean your body is back to normal, you’ve been through a major (natural) trauma, and for him to dismiss that would make me consider whether I wanted to stay married to such a selfish, self important man.

Jfc, you had a baby 12 weeks ago! Tell him to back the fuck off. If i were you I'd retaliate to the hand job article by sending him articles on consent - when you say stop he should stop immediately! I would also re-iterate that his pleasure does not trump your comfort and wellbeing. He sounds like a selfish arsehole. I think you need to have a serious discussion about this in all honesty. He needs to understand that with a newborn and recovering from birth that sex will decline but this isn't long-term. Sulking or making you (not necessarily physically but the sulking and emotional blackmail) is not ok. Perhaps he could help more with the baby or housework and then you wouldn't be so tired. I couldn't deal with this kind of behaviour and honestly it would really have upset me. I hope you're doing ok OP.

I think you're impressive for managing it twice since giving birth - I didn't have sex at all for at least 4 months afterwards (I moved back in with my parents for a while after DS was born so opportunity was limited, but still...)

I have gone through periods where sex isn't that important to me, even though I I've DH dearly. What I have found though is that when he has had libido problems (when he's been depressed or unwell) suddenly all I can think about is his reluctance to have sex and it becomes a big thing making me feel rejected. I am fully aware of the contradiction there.

DH and I haven't had sex now for months. I sort of want to but am too scared that he will die (Not as melodramatic as it sounds, he has lung cancer and can't breathe properly since having a lung removed), and he has PTSD which has led to erection problems. I feel so sad that for once our libidos are in sync but in a negative way.

Your husband is not a lovely man at all

The last time you had sex and he didn't stop when you asked him to immediately then he was raping you. Think about that. I know it's easy to minimise it but that's what he did. He cared more about his own pleasure than physically hurting you, the woman who carried his children.

Why would you want to give him a hand job? Does he ever make you orgasm?! Sending you that weblink to get you to read up on it was unbelievably cheeky. And then complaining you didn't do it! Wow. Why are you putting up with this shit?!

Not showering all weekend is not going to make you attracted to him either. It's disgusting.

Basically your husband has no respect for you and if you're raising girls then this is how he thinks about women. He feels entitled to sex and he raped you.

I've just read your whole thread....he didn't stop when you asked him too because it was hurting you? That would be enough for me to leave op. That's not on.

He's all 'me me me' but what about you? Your needs? You've just had a baby ffs.

I'm 37 weeks almost. Me and dh aren't having sex anywhere near as much now. He just gets it. His sex drive is obviously still the same. I'm too uncomfortable and too big and too tired. But when we do dtd, he is very considerate of how I'm feeling. I expect him to be the same after the birth.

I have 2 dcs with an ex. We split up due to his cheating. But I was stupid and stayed with him a lot longer than I should of done. I also used to 'lie back and think of england'. I used to cry while he was on top of me. He never stoped, he would just carry on. Looking back.....I wonder from time to time if that was rape. Please do not force yourself to have sex with him. You are worth so much more than that.

Does he help with the new baby? Does he get up through the night? Help with housework etc? Or are you expected to do it all? Even if he he does these things.....he's still a twat in my opinion

Thank you everyone for your replies, I've only just had a chance to sit down and read through them all. It's so great to get some different perspectives on this, it's so hard when you're living it to 'see the wood for the trees'.

I think I should probably clarify the "he didn't stop" stuff but am afraid it's a bit tmi. He was actually going down on me at the time and he had fingers inside and it got painful (so sorry for tmi!), so we weren't actually having penetrative sex at the time. He says he didn't hear me, I suppose as he was 'down there' but I was pushing him away quite forcefully and trying to move away but it took a while for the message to get through. So while I hadn't looked at it in terms of rape and nor do I feel raped, it did upset me that he got carried away and I think it has affected my trust of him in the bedroom a bit.

To address other points, he is a help with the baby and does get up in the night with him but he's not so good at helping with the housework. I don't really expect loads of help because I am at home all the time and he is working full time, so that's totally fine. He has a couple of jobs like taking the bins out and cleaning out the pet cage but at the moment he's not even doing those! He was pleased with himself that he unloaded the dishwasher at the weekend though!

I wasn't sure if I was still in the "just had a baby" stage and whether it should be expected that I'm back to normal by now so it's reassuring to see that IANB there. I know he would counter my argument on this point by saying he doesn't even expect to have full sex but I should be able to just wank him off and I'm not sure I even have a counter-argument there. We very rarely had sex while I was pregnant and he said he was totally fine with it but I think he was expecting everything to go back to normal now the baby is here. I think I got back into the swing of things earlier after ds1 as I stopped bleeding much sooner and I think he was expecting the same, probably my fault for not setting his expectations.

PP are right in that this has become a big issue for him and he feels rejected which I can understand but I don't think the way he is going about things is right. I think SummersB may have hit the nail on the head, I feel so pressured and pestered that it's turning me off even more. If he just backed off a bit I could relax more but I think he will feel even more rejected and think it's just another of my "excuses". I feel a bit edgy every time we have a cuddle, kiss or massage as I think he might expect something out of it which he makes clear by often drawing attention to his erection or telling me how frustrated he is.

We're obviously at the point we need to have another sit down chat about it but it often ends with an argument and dh feeling rejected and me feeling like a selfish, self-centred cow.

He didn't hear you? Was he using his ears to go down on you?! And you were pushing him away. Not good.

He's proud for unloading the dishwasher once? Give him a medal.

You're not the problem here.

Also, I think at the moment the constant pestering is making me feel like sex (whether full sex or the requested hand jobs) is just another chore to be done. I feel like everyone wants something from me. Obviously my two ds's need me and I'm 'mummy' all day but I also do all the cooking and housework and when that's all done and the children are finally asleep my next job is pleasing dh before the baby wakes up again for a feed. I know it's an awful way to look at but that's how it feels sometimes. I think this links back to needing him to back off a bit. Again though, I have brought this up with dh before and he (understandably?) gets hurt that I view him as another of my chores.

You're doing a lot op
Why doesn't he do anything round the house in the evenings? Of course you're tired. Anyone would be..

His behaviour since you gave birth is disgusting and I would be considering staying in the relationship if I were in your position as I consider it abusive.

Outside of that, if he ever acknowledges and changes his toxic treatment of you, have you ever tried the Love language test? I’ve noticed that in other couples that try this it can provide a basis for discussion that’s less emotionally charged and provide understanding on the motivations of their partner and how they feel appreciated and loved. But the pestering has to stop, it’s being bullied in your own home.

You've had sex with him twice since your baby was born 12 weeks ago, many women don't want sex for 12 months after their baby is born, 12 weeks is nothing to recover physically and emotionally. Then he wouldn't stop when he hurt you. That's a massive red flag and really shows him up as a total arse.

My ex was like this and that's why I divorced him. When I look back now at how he treated, me I'm shocked that I was with him for 12 years and had three children. I think when you're married and in the thick of it sometimes you can't see what's right. What I had was very wrong and what you have is very wrong. Do not blame yourself, lie back and think of England or anything else. Please try and see him for what he is, it's not you. My heart goes out to you.

What a turn off, when men behave in this way it makes you want sex even less. What a pest.

He sounds revolting.

What the fuck, he has special jobs around the house - like a child? And, like a child he isn't even doing them? And he's sulking, not showering and generally acting... like a child? No wonder you don't want to sleep with him.

I had something similar happen in my last relationship which made it difficult to want sex with my partner, they did something which overstepped a boundary and didn't really listen when I wasn't keen, it shook me up massively and while I accepted that some of that might have been my own 'stuff' being awakened, it did no favours for our sex life and we actually split up soon after. I found it really difficult to regain trust and to want sex. So if I was playing armchair psychologist, I'd say that was one of the main issues here - besides him acting like a giant toddler and expecting you to carry the mental load of making sure the house is all sorted. YOU'VE JUST HAD A BABY. He needs to step up fast and then be receptive instead of a massive idiot when you talk to him about the trust thing and how that affected you, which you do need to do or it will fester.
Good luck. x

Took me about a year to feel like having sex after giving birth...my DH never moaned or expected anything, he also helped me loads. Had he behaved in the way your DH is behaving we probably would have never had sex again
Also he was always incredibly careful not to hurt me in any way
Sorry you are having to put up with this

So sorry to read your story. Men can be such brutal things. My husband died a long time ago and only know from reaching out to Mumsnet that there is such a thing as marital rape. Whenever he is mentioned in conversation or something reminds me of him my only feeling is of total revulsion that he ever touched me at all.

Like fuck he didn't hear you
Also point out to him that you don't make him feel like a sex pest-he fucking is one.
You pushed a child out of your vagina 12 weeks ago, he needs to fucking back off & stop being so pathetic-I'd find him an absolute turn off tbh.

Shocking behaviour from your husband he didn't hear you that rubbish weither you feel like it was rape or forced or not it was he jus chose to ignore you.

Well, he's right about one thing. He is a fucking sex pest. Of course, he also blames this on you - standard.

If he wants a hand job - I assume he has two fully functioning hands of his own?

Honestly, what is with all the bastard men that are being talked about on here at the moment?

I cannot believe you've already had sex twice after only giving birth 12 weeks ago! I assume you'd rather have not (understandably) but your twat husband was only thinking with his cock and complete disregard to you?

Ugh, repulsive man! Tell him firmly that he can hand-job himself all he wants but you will not be making love with such a selfish arsehole.
Re housework- so what if he works full time? If he lived alone he'd have to do it all - you look after his children, you are not his skivvy. My husband mucks in when he's off, it's called being a grown-up!!
I'm really seething on your behalf...either you need to change the dynamic of the relationship by being completely firm in showing him you are worth more than his shit behaviour, you expect respect, and you will not tolerate it any more, or you should leave. Life is too bloody short for this.