Not having regular sex with my husband (long, sorry)

[SausageBrain]

DH is 38 and I'm 32, we've been together 8 years and have 2 dc aged 5 and 12 weeks.

Ever since I had my first ds there's been a mismatch in our sex drives, mine has gone down and his has largely stayed the same meaning he's expected the same amount of sex as before the kids came along. I also have issues with anxiety and low self esteem which have affected things at points over the years although I have had therapy and counselling for these and things are much better than they have been for a long time on that front.

DH tends to get sulky whenever he doesn't get 'enough' sex and obviously our opinions on what constitutes 'enough' differ. For example, since ds2 was born 12 weeks ago we've only had sex twice which I am aware is not very much but to be honest I just don't really feel like it very much at the moment. I bled for a long time after the birth and didn't fancy it when I was bleeding and I was worried about it hurting (although no major tearing thankfully, only a 'graze') - which it did. The last time we did it I actually told him to stop as he was hurting me and I was even trying to push him away but he didn't stop straight away. This upset me a bit and has put me off sex even more.

The last few days haven't been great between us and he spent the weekend largely ignoring me and barely looking at me. He sent me a link at the end of last week of a Google search "how to give a hand job" which I didn't like very much and ignored. He later asked me if I'd seen the link and said he didn't even want to have full sex if I wasn't up for it and would "settle" for a hand job. I said ok and I would after the kids went to bed but the baby ended up not settling until late and DH and I fell asleep on the sofa together. When I realised we'd fallen asleep on the sofa I went to bed & in his half asleep state he accused me of reneging on my promise and was annoyed and tutting (like it was premeditated). Ever since then he's barely spoken to me.

DH seems to equate sex with love and affection (he is right on that though I suppose!) and thinks (and says) I must not love him anymore. This obviously isn't true, I do love him very much and we are affectionate in other ways. In every other aspect of our relationship things are fine: we get on great, we're a great team, he's a lovely man and a great dad.

I'm not sure if IABU or he is, I suspect it's a bit of both. I am probably being a bit selfish and should make more of an effort for him. I know he ends up feeling down and unattractive (he even didn't shower over this weekend, he almost 'lets himself go') and I love him so I should do everything I can to make him feel good about himself and to express my love for him. On the flip side though he says I make him feel like "a sex pest" but sometimes all the groping and rubbing his boner on me does get annoying. None of that makes me want to have sex with him more, it has the opposite effect (as does the sulking and lack of shower). We have trouble talking about it in any productive way as he thinks IABU and I think he is a bit too.

Maybe I should just 'lie back and think of England' a bit more and 'fake it until I make it' for his sake? He says he's NBU to expect a few hand jobs if I won't sleep with him and I suppose I agree? I do feel I'm being a bit selfish but then part of me thinks it's not the fucking 1950s where I have to please my man whether I want to or not just to keep him happy but I know he feels unwanted and I can't really blame him.

Any advice or words of wisdom kind mnetters?!

I think for some men it's a need, not just a want.
Maybe in the way that some men cannot fathom broodiness for infants, women cannot understand a man's desire for sex.

You need to accept it, and accept that it's just biology.
Neither of you are 'bad' people, but different.

I do understand that NadiaLeon but I feel like it should work both ways, that my needs (albeit non sexual!!) should be considered as well as his. At the moment I think he's prioritising his own needs at the expense of being oblivious to my own.

Thank you for sharing your experience Isadoratheexplorer, I am amazed at how common it is. I'm glad to hear you are much happier now. Hopefully when I discuss with DH we'll be able to make changes that suit us both.

You will leave him when you no longer have any respect or love for him. He is speeding that time along with his disgusting behaviour. I’m sorry OP, this is really no way to live.

Even if it is a need, no one has the right to demand anything from a partner, or to hurt them sexually. So regardless of 'needs' this guy is still a shithead.

He sent you a link for how to give a hand job? Send him a link for a fleshlight.

Oh and Nadia, the bad person is the one hurting, coercing, sulking and generally behaving like his wife owes him sex. The one who isn’t doing any housework. The one who is doing dirty protests because his wife, who has a recent birth injury and is exhausted, only did sex twice for him. Sorry you’re struggling with that, hopefully this will help.

TRIGGER WARNING

My DH and I haven't had full sex in over 5 years, and even before that I used to tighten up making it painful. I often asked him to stop and he did straightaway.

The problem is my past, I suffered SA as a child, although the memories were repressed for many years. I had images which I couldn't make sense of and I couldn't cope with tactile displays of affection. My DSis was the same, although she's never been able to have sex at all in her 2 marriages, she suffers from vaginismus. (Her DC were conceived through artificial insemination.)

Both of us had our memories come flooding back when we had young DC. I have complex PTSD and the sexual problems are the tip of the iceberg really. I also went through infertility and our DDs (now 9 and 6) are adopted. They both have attachment issues and DD1 has SN as well. That's why the sexual problems have dragged on, because we're both too knackered to tackle them.

The 'lie back and think of England' advice was given to me by my DM, when I mentioned the issue once. She tried to 'help' by looking after our DDs overnight so that we could go to a B&B and try to fix things. The flashbacks were intense at the time and I ended up reliving being raped as a little girl and therefore my body froze and I couldn't even open my legs.

Through it all, my DH has been amazing. I think he was traumatised by this attempt, though, and he never brings up the subject. I actually wish he would, as sometimes I feel like we're just parents who happen to be living together. We do show each other affection so it's improving, but sex has become 'the elephant in the room'.

Your DH has been a pig about this. You gave birth to his baby over 12 weeks ago and he's making you feel bad about not having sex with him more than twice?? No, what he did wasn't technically rape, but it was an assault. You were pushing him away forcefully so he can't claim not to have known that you were hurting.

Your DH didn't stop having sex with you when you asked him to? You withdrew consent and he carried on anyway. This is awful.

If you really do love this man-child OP, you simply need to tell him to stop acting like sulky teenager, or you will divorce him.

@TheProvincialLady

Human nature is often irrational. I know some women who have left their husbands as they wouldn't give them a third child. One could say that is selfish too.

I don't think the sexes understand each other too well on various issues...

It is not a question of the sexes do not understand each other.
Sex is self-evidently very personal and for each couple it is something to be communicated about and agreed upon. In a good relationship, sex is the glue that holds it together. That does not mean doing what the other wants just because they want it. It means being mutually respectful of each other's needs and wanting to put the other's pleasure before your own ON BOTH SIDES. It means extending consideration in bed to the relationship outside.
If you do not respect each other and if you do not both wish to help one another, then IMHO there is not much hope for your sex life. Sex is not a reward for being helpful round the house and it is not a "need" that the other must meet.
I really feel for you. He sounds utterly selfish and unaware of the stresses of having a new baby. I'd guess he is probably deep down jealous of the attention you give the children and insisting on sex is some kind of way of dealing with that.

Nadia

I want sex far more than my husband does and far more often. We go twice a week but it’s a compromise on my wants to have sex more often.

Most of my female friends, when out of the rigmarole of young babies and children, with a man who is attentive to their needs, want sex lots too.

So where does that sit on your ‘biological need’ ‘men are sexually driven’ bullshit that you are blathering on about

I said some men, not all men.

Of course there are huge variances between sex drives, but SOME men seem to need sex like a broody woman needs a baby. It can break a relationship.
I have NOT said the OP should shut her mouth and open her legs. I am not suggesting that.

Some men need babies like women need sex.

WTF is your hideously sexist point?

Nadia

NO ONE needs sex.

He has a hand. That’s enough.

I’m so sorry you are living this hell.
My DH is also one of those people who needs sex to feel loved. He is incredibly jealous about our DC and sometimes act aggressive if I am being extra cuddly with the boys. Unfortunately my story didn’t end up so well, but I hope that you can turn this around and save your marriage. But when I say you, I mean both!
What I’ve learned during the hell I went through is that we make several assumptions about our partners and we don’t necessarily talk.
You are not being unreasonable. Your DH is acting like a child and he needs to put his shit together. He needs to understand that you need time and a true relationship needs respect. And he needs to understand the more he pressures you, less and less you will want sex. It’s a slippery slope.
I would suggest couples therapy. Many men need help to transition from husband to fathers. If you can’t afford it, than you guys will have to talk talk talk.
I would start with plain scientific explanation of how the hormones from pregnancy kills out libido. Asking them to equality do the house work would also make them understand why you are tired. It’s frustrating I know. All we want in this phase is time to recover. You husband is definitely just making things worse. Hope he puts his s together.

CantankerousCamel - some men. Not most men but some men.
Women want babies - its biologically hardwired in some women. To reproduce. Same for men and sex.

I am NOT saying the OP should have sex though.

He is behaving horribly!
Has he actually sat back and fully realised that he has zero right to demand sex? It doesn’t matter that you are a sahm or any other thing. You have an absolute right to say no.

12 weeks is very very early days. It took months for us to even try. My husband never pressured me and did virtually all the housework, cooking and one whole night a week (I expressed) while also working full time.

He is not behaving like an equal partner who loves you. Maybe he does, but has got off track but he needs to get a reality check

Totally agree. OH is a dick.
OP should also consider that his drive for sex may cause the family to split. That's how much some men want it!

So close to having given birth your DH is behaving like a dick and needs to keep it in his trousers. Just tell him straight and don't be afraid to use the physical details of what you've been through to cool him off a bit.

This is not the same sitiation as a long term mismatched sex drive, which some PPs are describing. I tend to have more sympathy for men in those sitiations as the importance of sex for many men in feeling loved and for their self-esteem is generally either downplayed by women or ridiculed to some extent, which isn't helpful.

Nadia

Sex and babies are a want of MOST humans regardless of sex.

There is no ‘hardwiring’ just social expectations.