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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't cope with DP's family coming round.

81 replies

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:42

As usual we've just had another blazing row because his sister and her boyfriend are due over any minute now. I ended up crying and as I've never met them before there's no way I want to be seen like this, so I've got into bed and I'm not getting out until they've gone :(

DP is, understandably I guess, absolutely fuming. I have terrible social anxiety and am very introverted. I hate feeling trapped with people in the house, not knowing when they're leaving.

DP desperately wanted me to meet his sister. We're getting married on Saturday and I still haven't met her because of my anxieties.

Before people start, I know I'm not normal and I HATE myself for being this way. I'm in bed sobbing and hoping they hurry up and arrive and then leave because I'm really hungry. DP is mortified :(

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2018 12:47

So how are you going to manage on Saturday with all those people there? You'll have to meet her then. How have you managed to get the wedding organised, invitations, dress, cake? You probably need some professional help for your insecurities if you haven't done so already.

milkmoustache · 12/08/2018 12:50

You poor thing. Is it any easier if you go and meet people somewhere else, with an arranged departure time, so you are more in control? And how on earth are you going to cope with the wedding, usually a full-on day involving endless social encounters? Does your DP really understand the issue?

Original poster

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:51

I have struggled single but I've done it. God knows how I'll get through Saturday. Probably with prosecco, and the thought that if I can get through it I'll be married to my lovely DP!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2018 12:51

You might love them! Do you know what it is in particular that you’re worrying about?

Are you stressed about the wedding and it’s spilling over into meeting your SIL to be?

Original poster

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:53

milk he doesn't understand at all. I wish he did. I tried explaining that empathy would go a long way but he just kept telling me to get a shower.

I did say I'd rather we went to other people's houses so we can decide when to leave but I have four children so it's not easy and most people don't want the stress of it.

I've been married before and I was weirdly confident on the wedding day and really enjoyed myself so fingers crossed this will be the same. I'm also seeing the doctor on Wednesday to hopefully get some beta blockers or something

OP posts:

Original poster

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:54

I don't think so Anne, I've been like this since I was about 20. I'm just not a social person. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice girl :( DP has repeatedly told me how rude I'm going to look, so I'm even more nervous now. This is the second time I've let his sister down, although the first time I said I was too poorly for her to come round at all

OP posts:

dragonflyflew · 12/08/2018 12:58

How olds your children? Do you have post natal depression? I felt exactly like this and ruined a huge family meal with my in laws by silently crying throughout the whole meal. I was trapped in a really awkward space in the central part of the table against a wall in between loads of people. I couldn't get out without being looked at by everyone, it took an hour to get served and my baby and toddler were both crying. It was awful and I know everyone felt really uncomfortable but tried to pretend I wasn't happening!
I hate feeling trapped and on other people's timescales etc and when my mental health is low like it was then it's even worse.
I'd just wash your face, go down fake a smile , give them a hug, say it's lovely to meet them and just say you've got the lurgy and go back upstairs.

MrsMotherHen · 12/08/2018 12:58

sorry but it does look rude can you at least even try.

dragonflyflew · 12/08/2018 12:58

Or just tell her the truth, you have huge social anxiety but looking forward to meeting her properly at the wedding.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 12/08/2018 13:05

Poor guy. It's so exhausting being around someone with that level of anxiety and control over others.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2018 13:10

Have you met any of his family?

Original poster

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:13

dragon that meal sounds awful. Thank you for understanding. There's no way I'll be able to meet her today - I wouldn't even take the bin out or answer the door to the postman like this!

I have met some of his family :)

OP posts:

Melliegrantfirstlady · 12/08/2018 13:14

Have you received any help?

You need to get up and fight this. If you allow the anxiety to ruin you it absolutely will.

Original poster

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:17

I'm on Sertraline although haven't taken it for a few days and then started again yesterday as I didn't realise I'd run out

OP posts:

extraketchup · 12/08/2018 13:18

I have this. We've had a blazing row about Xmas already because dh wants his parents to come and stay in my house for two nights. How unrelaxing. He doesn't get it. I want to go to a neutral restaurant so I can leave when I want. I loathe small talk.

keepingbees · 12/08/2018 13:22

I totally get how you feel, I have anxiety too and struggle with lack of control and visitors. My DH's family live far away and visit for days at a time. I find it really hard and draining, and at times I have took myself off upstairs for time out as it's too much.
The thing is, by hiding away like this you are giving in to the anxiety, and yes to anyone else you will look rude and you've put your DP in an awkward position.
You should have perhaps put a plan in place whereby you agreed they could visit for say an hour, then tell them you have to go out or something. It gives you some control over the situation and takes away the uncertainty.
Try and show your face. Wash your face with cold water and stick a bit of make up on. Say you have hay fever or a cold (excuse to have to retire to bed too) I find if I have someone interesting to talk to it takes my mind off the anxiety and time passes more quickly. You never know you might enjoy their company.

Fatbelliedgirl · 12/08/2018 13:25

Could you not at least have tried? Your DP and his sister must think you're very rude.

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 13:26

You said that you could not meet his sister "looking like this". Are you someone who likes to be immaculately dressed and with full make up on in order to feel ready to meet anyone? If so, I suggest that you do as DP suggests and get in the shower. At least that way you can be sure your as clean and fresh. Maybe then you could sort out an outfit and start with the make up.
What else can you do? It would look very strange if the sister arrives and DP is alone with your children to greet them.
Try to make the effort and you might just find that you have a good time,

TokenGinger · 12/08/2018 13:27

Your poor DP. He must feel mortified. I’ve had to make up excuses for over two and a half years for my DP’s social awkwardness, why he’s not come to meet my family, why he doesn’t turn up to events etc.

You’re heading for a relationship whereby his sister will dislike you from the start.!

hungryhippie · 12/08/2018 13:33

Whilst I empathise with how you feel, and I’m sure your DP does for how long he’s put up with it, try not being selfish for a day and have some empathy for him and the difficult position you put him in to by doing this.
How rude! she is not being selfish! I have horrendous social anxiety and believe me, if it was as easy as "just try" or "stop being selfish" then I would be able to do all the normal things that everyone else does.

OP, do what you feel comfortable with and dont feel bullied into situations that have you crippled with anxiety. Meeting on neutral terms helps me. I really hate visitors to the home.

thethoughtfox · 12/08/2018 13:41

Why didn't you arrange to meet for a brunch or lunch somewhere you feel comfortable?

MistressDeeCee · 12/08/2018 13:45

You sound like a lot of fuss and hard work that is joy draining.

Social anxiety is horrible, stressful but you seem as if you don't really want to try much in terms of getting help and advice. Thats beyond the tablets.

Can you not go back to your GP and talk through different strategies?

There's sometimes a control aspect to anxiety in that a person's anxiety must be ensured to impact upon and rule every occasion and everybody.

I don't know if you have or are planning to have children but they're going to have/want social interactions as they grow, and that will mean at least some interaction with other parents for example, as opposed to isolating your childrens' world too.

I can't bear the thought of hosting long family visits. So I tend to meet DPs family at social occasions/events away from home. That way the interaction isn't that long. I show my face and support DP, rather than appearing to be rude and stand-offish and thinking myself above getting to know his family.

A relationship is never truly about solely the 2 people in it

Bimgy85 · 12/08/2018 13:47

So sorry. I completely know how you feel. I'm with dp years and always felt so awkward around his family for no reason. I'm not great at bonding

I used to almost have a panic attack every time I visited, which led to me being really awkward trying to make small talk.

My dp says 'his family doesn't even know me' .. but he's like a part of mine

It's really horrible, and yes any time I do rare occasion meet up with them for a family event I make sure to have a couple of drinks beforehand..

Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 13:48

OP.. why are you marrying this guy ? seriously

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 13:52

Do you mean they will know you're upstairs and won't come and meet them? You'll just hide in the bedroom?

That's fairly extreme. That you can't even have a cup of tea with them. I think I'd see the doctor again if I was you.

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