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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't cope with DP's family coming round.

81 replies

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:42

As usual we've just had another blazing row because his sister and her boyfriend are due over any minute now. I ended up crying and as I've never met them before there's no way I want to be seen like this, so I've got into bed and I'm not getting out until they've gone :(

DP is, understandably I guess, absolutely fuming. I have terrible social anxiety and am very introverted. I hate feeling trapped with people in the house, not knowing when they're leaving.

DP desperately wanted me to meet his sister. We're getting married on Saturday and I still haven't met her because of my anxieties.

Before people start, I know I'm not normal and I HATE myself for being this way. I'm in bed sobbing and hoping they hurry up and arrive and then leave because I'm really hungry. DP is mortified :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:52

ketchup that would be my worst nightmare so I hope you can come to a compromise

keepingbees thanks for understanding. That idea is a brilliant one. In fact this started because I asked DP when his sister would be leaving (before they arrived!) and he was really cross. If I'd had a time they'd be going I'd have gritted my teeth and got through it. But to not know and have to sit through small talk... I just can't.

I was going to try until the above happened and then I started crying and I don't want to meet people and they think I'm ugly. I'd rather they thought I was rude than ugly.

I'm not selfish :( I consistently put four little people ahead of me. Telling me to just wash my face and go downstairs is like telling an anorexic person to just eat, or an abused wife to just leave. It's not as easy as that. I know I need to help myself but right now I can't. I'm very hormonal too.

Meeting for lunch was never mentioned. I doubt we'd be able to afford it and neither would his sister and her boyfriend and child.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:54

Yep I'm hiding in the bedroom.

DP's dad just knocked on the bedroom door. He's lovely and I get on with him quite well. I ended up crying again and explained my position. He was very understanding. He would love for me to go downstairs but understands why I don't feel able to. Bless him. I'm missing DP now :( just want to give him a big cuddle

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/08/2018 13:55

In TokenGinger's defence, this sort of anxiety is inherently selfish - I mean that neutrally - because it is easier for the sufferer to give in to it than to confront it, and in some cases (as is happening here) the sufferer places his or her anxiety above the happiness of their loved ones and the building of their relationships. That is selfish, and it doesn' help the sufferer to be told it is not, and it isn't less so because the sufferer has the worst of it.

The trouble is, OP, you are getting off on a much, much worse footing behaving as you are than you would be by showing up looking as if you'd been crying or less than perfectly made up (or whatever). There are other strategies to limit the amount of time you have people in your house. It's one thing to limit your own life, but limiting others' means things have gone too far, and I don't think straightforward sympathy is the right thing to help you here.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:56

Bimgy sorry you're like this too. It's awful isn't it?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 12/08/2018 13:56

DP desperately wanted me to meet his sister. We're getting married on Saturday and I still haven't met her because of my anxieties.

If you was my SIL I would be extremely hurt. And if you were my partner I would angry and frustrated too. You have met everyone else but her. I am surprised she is even coming to your wedding

Toohot12244 · 12/08/2018 13:56

OP being on steraline and then not taking it for a few days is so bad for your mental health... no wonder you feel totally lousy.

Intentionally or not it’s a toxic cycle to be in of taking then not... my DH ex wife unfortunately is like this and she goes through huge highs and convinced herself she is better. Stops her meds and crashes to a worse place than she was before.. this is a yearly cycle for her and so damaging to those around her.

With that in mind OP you need to take your mess properly from now on.. especially getting married.

This is a turning point OP now or never....

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:58

I know you're right Elderly but I just don't feel like I can get through this right now. It's easier to hide. I almost wish DP was like me, and had no family :(

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 13:58

Op I think you've being very hard on everyone around you ... you need to live you need to be able to function... you must seek help Flowers

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:58

greendale I haven't met everyone else! Just a few others. Some I had no choice

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 13:59

Thanks gemini

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 13:59

I almost wish DP was like me, and had no family

wow... that's horrible Flowers

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 13:59

They are there and know you're in rhe bedroom? And it's because you don't want them to think you're ugly?

That's not just anxiety op, there is something else going on there. I'm sorry. Have you thought about counselling?

Toohot12244 · 12/08/2018 14:00

www.webmd.com/depression/guide/withdrawal-from-antidepressants

Even just a few days has this impact OP

Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 14:00

you have what... 5 days between here and Saturday... are you able to adjust your Meds in that time to help Flowers

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 14:01

Yes they're downstairs. Their baby just came upstairs and the dad came to retrieve her and I absolutely shit myself that he was going to walk into my bedroom!

And yes I'm being honest about things... I was always told growing up how ugly and disgusting I am and I certainly wouldn't want DP's family to think he's about to marry someone ugly!

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/08/2018 14:01

I crossed posts with your 'I'd rather they thought me rude than ugly'.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And 'ugly' doesn't really exist. I am trying to think whether I actually know a truly (physically) ugly person and I do not. Rudeness, however, adheres to more general standards, and your behaviour is liable to be interpreted as rude (regardless of actual intention) across a wide social spectrum. And people don't condemn physical flaws (unless their thinking is very distorted), but they do condemn rudeness.

Does that make some kind of sense?

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 14:02

toohot I know, I'm a bloody idiot, even the health visitor made me promise to take them regularly. But this time I genuinely didn't realise I'd run out and then had two wait three days for my new pack to be ready

Gemini how do you mean?

OP posts:
iamawoman · 12/08/2018 14:02

How did you manage to establish a relationship with your partner if you are this unsociable. If I was your partner I would be having doubts about marrying you, It's one thing to maybe not want to out and socialise with large group of his friends but to not meet his sister on the eve of your wedding. Now I suffer from mild social anxiety and struggle in groups of people but I could not face the anxiety of a wedding and having all that attention directed at me. I find your form of social anxiety a bit difficult to understand

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 14:05

Elderly it makes perfect sense, honestly. But.

A part of me knows I'm a shit, horrible person, there's nothing I can do about that, so his family will find out for themselves regardless of whether or not I sit and have tea with them on this Sunday afternoon.

But as for prettiness... Well, I can put make up on and do my hair and they might think I'm pretty and that's SOMEthing good about me... I dunno, it's fucked up

OP posts:
ElseaMoon · 12/08/2018 14:05

I had crippling anxiety when I had my first DC. It's exhausting on everyone. I really hope you can find some ways to cope. I had some CBT when DD was very young and it (along side meds) really helped. Sertraline is a beast of a tablet but you can't stop and start it willy nilly! Please go and see the GP. They might get you a referal to some CBT or talking therapies.
Some of the posters on this thread could learn to use some empathy! If your DH is being difficult and doesn't understand why the OP is struggling then he needs to look it up or leave!!

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 14:06

iam I'm a lot more sociable when I'm single. Because I can socialise with who I want to, and when

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 14:07

do you take anti-anxiety medications is what I meant.. can you have them adjusted to help you get through Saturday Flowers

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 14:07

I also don't understand how you met and established a relationship with your partner?

Has it always been this extreme? How do you manage the kids and school?

ElseaMoon · 12/08/2018 14:07

Communication is key. Plan visits together with your DH. He can't just drop a bombshell visit on you when he knows you've got crippling social anxiety!

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/08/2018 14:08

A part of you has evidently heard you are a shit, horrible person enough to believe it. It's all lies, though.

Whoever told you this (your parents, I presume?) obviously severely damaged your early life and - look at it like this - now they are continuing to wreak havoc. They have no right to keep you in your bedroom crying about what your partner's family will think of you. They mustn't win.