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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't cope with DP's family coming round.

81 replies

BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 12:42

As usual we've just had another blazing row because his sister and her boyfriend are due over any minute now. I ended up crying and as I've never met them before there's no way I want to be seen like this, so I've got into bed and I'm not getting out until they've gone :(

DP is, understandably I guess, absolutely fuming. I have terrible social anxiety and am very introverted. I hate feeling trapped with people in the house, not knowing when they're leaving.

DP desperately wanted me to meet his sister. We're getting married on Saturday and I still haven't met her because of my anxieties.

Before people start, I know I'm not normal and I HATE myself for being this way. I'm in bed sobbing and hoping they hurry up and arrive and then leave because I'm really hungry. DP is mortified :(

OP posts:
Toohot12244 · 12/08/2018 14:11

Tomorrow OP see if you can get to the Gp, today is done- there is no point dwelling on it but you need to show to your DP that you are tackling things and that things will get better. He needs to get that it could happen to anyone, I firmly believe that all of us at some point in our lives have a shit time MH wise, some worse than others. Whether it’s stress, aneroxcia, post parturm or mid life things but we need those around us to be compassionate and understand.
Life can be tough at the best of times, and now you need your DP support around you, and he needs his family to support you.

bubbles108 · 12/08/2018 14:29

I do not understand why, knowing this stressful (for you) and important (for DP) event was happening, you stopped taking and / or ran out of your medication

That's something I can't get my head around

SeaToSki · 12/08/2018 14:43

Im so sorry that your anxiety is tying you up in knots. I can see how you feel dreadful about it but cant control it.

When my dc is completely frozen with his anxiety, his counsellor get him to take a break (and put a timer on, so its just a break) and then have a good honest think about what one thing he can do that is just a step towards the problem.

She doesnt expect or want him to face the whole thing, but its important to take a step.

Anxiety feeds and grows bigger every time you avoid the trigger, if you can take that small step every time it kicks off you will be helping yourself massively in the long run.

What steps can you think of for this situation?

You could stop crying
You could brush your hair and clean your teeth
You could get out of bed and open your bedroom door so you can hear them
You could go downstairs for 5 mins only and then run back to your room

Im sure there are many more options, what do you think you might be able to do today?

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 14:53

Haven't read the latest posts yet

BUT

His sister came up to my bedroom! She's ace :) I apologised but she said it's absolutely fine. We got on really well. I've come downstairs and even met the boyfriend and we're having a laugh. Rather proud of myself tbh.

OP posts:
MrsMotherHen · 12/08/2018 14:57

well done OP!

Bimgy85 · 12/08/2018 14:57

@BirthdayKake happy for you. It always ends up that thinking about it is worse, and you're actually only awkward in your own head, when you end up talking to them it's fine!

LIZS · 12/08/2018 15:04

I would have thought meeting hem in your bedroom, your safe haven, would be more difficult than just putting an appearance downstairs. Now that you have met , can you face going downstairs , having a cup of tea and then withdrawing if needs be.

PaigetheRepahite · 12/08/2018 15:05

Brilliant! Well done OP, that must have been extremely hard for you but you’ve done it. You should reward yourself for being brave (I also have social anxiety and reward myself with a cup of tea and cake or something when I’ve done something which has freaked me out)

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 15:07

Thank you. She said I was stunning Blush obviously she was lying, and I quickly put some make up on, but thank god I've done it. She wasn't anything like I'd imagined!

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 15:14

Haha! I'm definitely going to reward myself. Takeaway tonight I think :)

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/08/2018 15:26

Well done, OP! That's brilliant. :)

CowesTwo · 12/08/2018 15:27

BirthdayKake as someone who regularly cancels things at the last minute because I can't get out of the house, and who has lost friendships because of it, I am so proud that you managed to go downstairs and face your fears. My husband has been very patient for years though I know it pisses him off, makes him sad and sometimes frustrated. But he did say something once that I hold as a kind of mantra and which now gets me out to appointments, visits etc - 'The fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself'. Well done.

Gemini69 · 12/08/2018 15:27

thank goodness... well done you OP... Flowers

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 15:36

Thanks Gemini

Cowes I'm glad you have a supportive husband. His mantra is definitely right though, and I need to start living by it!

OP posts:
keepingbees · 12/08/2018 17:03

Well done. Things are never as bad as the anxiety would have you believe (I know knowing that doesnt make it easier.)
I'm glad they are supportive of you, I wish my family were.
Hope you feel a bit better now and have a wonderful wedding Thanks

zippey · 12/08/2018 17:13

Well done OP. Things will be a lot easier come wedding day now that you have met his family and you know they aren’t bad, and that they think we’ll of you.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 17:29

Thank you :)

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 12/08/2018 17:45

Well done for getting downstairs.

But, as someone who suffers from anxiety, I think it’s borderline unforgivable to allow yourself to ever run out of Sertraline. Truly awful.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 17:46

I'm rubbish at taking Sertraline sometimes. I'm still like this whether I take it religiously or not!

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 12/08/2018 17:53

Then try different meds. Or CBT. Or counselling. Or groups. Or anything else.

It’s just not OK to treat your poor DP and his family in this shitty way.

Nancy91 · 12/08/2018 17:55

I used to be exactly like you until I found the right medication. However I must say that it is your own responsibility to tackle this problem before it ruins your life. People that don't have anxiety don't understand and relationships really suffer when these things happen. Maybe a trip to the doctors is in order to see what other help they can offer?

Life with social anxiety sucks and life with a partner with social anxiety also sucks Sad

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/08/2018 18:00

Have you spoken to your doctor about body dsymophia? Your belief that you are ugly when others obviously don't is worrying to me. I think it's a separate issue from your anxiety and is obviously feeding that anxiety.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 12/08/2018 18:01

Thanks for the input Cha. I'll take it into consideration.

Nancy I did say I'm going to the doctors on Wednesday. I'll force myself to mention

OP posts:
dragonflyflew · 13/08/2018 00:52

Lovely outcome op.

Original poster
BirthdayKake · 13/08/2018 01:03

Thank you dragon. The SIL and I have exchanged messages and she's been lovely. Apparently DP is besotted with me Blush

OP posts:
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