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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m a mug, aren’t I?

77 replies

FeelTheNoize · 11/08/2018 20:19

Right. Bloody hell.

Ok so DP and I have been together for 4 years. We’ve got a baby together as I have an older son from a previous relationship.

I’ve always worked but he used to earn a lot more than I did, when we first moved in together.

I currently pay for the house, all bills, all shopping, all kids stuff, the car is in my name - everything. He’s chosen to only work 2 days a week because he doesn’t like it and I haven’t seen financial help for months and months.

He bought one vest, a cot and a £50 second hand pram for the baby. I’ve bought everything else. I pay for days out. He pays his own phone bill, but used my spare phone for months that I’d topped up.

I can’t actually drive but I’ve paid for the car and he drives it everywhere. When the baby hated the car seat he refused to take us anywhere so I got the bus and walked with poor health.

If I mention it I’m out of order and when I said he was selfish he called me a vindictive fucking bitch. Whilst I was feeding our baby. He gets so angry all the time. We split up over his temper just before baby was born, he sai he’d work on it but didn’t.

He’s not so much violent to me but will shout and swear and crash about. He “accidentally” threw a toaster at me when I was early pregnant. I’m not allowed to mention that either.

I do everything for the kids and the house. I cook and clean, though it’s never good enough.

He’s just bought himself some new headphones and said last night he’s going on new £40pm supplements.

Tip of the iceberg. Apparently im snappy but if I am it’s because im ducking tired. As for intimacy even if I wasn’t tired I cringe at the thought, because I hate his temper so much.

Am I being a total fucking mug or what?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 11/08/2018 22:17

You are not the reason. You were never the reason and you never will be. He is responsible for his behaviour.

Doyoumind · 11/08/2018 22:19

I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship until someone pointed it out to me. Now I can't believe how naive I was. I am so much better out of it. It would have been the wrong thing for my DC for me to stay.

You are making excuses for him and imagining a happy future. It doesn't exist. Nothing will change him.

This is not good for your DC.

Women's Aid helps women in abusive relationships. You are in an abusive relationship. Just because he doesn't beat you black and blue does not mean this is not an abusive relationship.

You need to get him out of your house and your life. Don't feel sorry for him. That means he's got you exactly where he wants you.

GertrudeCB · 11/08/2018 22:19

Then just keep justifying it to yourself Hmm.

MonoClue · 11/08/2018 22:21

He’s on Tinder?!
You need to get yourself an STD check as well as seriously rethinking your own future. A good dad doesn’t treat his partner and mother of his children this way

Original poster
FeelTheNoize · 11/08/2018 22:21

He will say he doesn’t pay because he hasn’t got enough and because I say I’ll do it. Same with cooking etc but it’s only because eventually I realised it wasn’t going to happen anyway and because his temper is so horrible I just want to keep him sweet. He once made me cry for 4 hours because I “folded the towels wrong. He constantly berates me for piles of washing without considering that I’ve washed, dried, folded and sorted them before baby needed me again. He hasn’t put his own washing away for months. I’m sick of getting the blame for everything.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/08/2018 22:22

He's bringing nothing
He's contributing nothing
Stop being such a mug

LastOneDancing · 11/08/2018 22:34

You aren't responsible for a grown man. He is responsible for himself and his own health. It's not your job to save him from himself.

It IS your job to look after your children and yourself. You ARE responsible for giving them a healthy view if relationships - respect, trust, sharing, caring, working together to build a happy, safe home where you're not walking on eggshells.

looondonn · 11/08/2018 22:36

Jesus

Leave

Asap
This is hugely concerning

PositiveAction · 11/08/2018 22:38

Hiya - sending you a big hug. Your kids will be subconsciously learning from his and your behaviour. It is better for them to see you in a happy, non-abusive relationship which you crave. Split amicably and with support..... You don't want them to be in either of your roles when they grow up....X

WitchDancer · 11/08/2018 22:47

Rarely is the fact that you get a unanimous opinion on Mumsnet. This is one of those occasions - maybe that tells you something here.

Read your posts to yourself with the eye of a stranger, and I think you will know what you need to do. He's obviously not good for you.

Original poster
FeelTheNoize · 11/08/2018 22:54

Thank you everyone. I’m looking at the Freedom Act and contacting Women’s Aid. I have basically no support network with this but I know I can do it. I have to just realise he’s never gonna love me like I deserve.

OP posts:
jhene · 11/08/2018 22:55

what value is he adding to your life exactly?

Original poster
FeelTheNoize · 11/08/2018 23:01

He’s my only friend and does really make me laugh. When he’s being nice he really is just amazing but it could turn at any moment.

Given that the women’s aid has a questionnaire saying it could be domestic if you tick yes to one and I’ve ticked yes to 9 it’s about time I sorted myself out.

He’s also my carer though but sometimes I think he’s in denial about my illnesses.

OP posts:
eggncress · 11/08/2018 23:02

He sounds like my ex...almost exactly! Emotional, psychological abuse and gaslighting plus parasitic behaviour.
Financial abuse- so he used to earn much more than you? He now works a lot less and is happy to sit and watch you struggle. He spends his money on himself and you are exhausted from over work trying to make ends meet!
Also when you are exhausted you don’t have the energy to confront him, so he carries on taking the piss. It’s a form of control.

I can guarantee you he knows exactly what he is doing. I was like you, trusting , hoping things will change ( they don’t until you get rid).

He is abusing you and the kids. You need to realise this.
Of course he’s nice sometimes. Most abusers are otherwise why would any one stay with them? It’s a cycle aimed at keeping you under control ( and make you doubt yourself)

Playing victim is another tactic of abusers ( he lived in the park ? Even though he works/ is capable of work?Confused. Don’t believe it!
Aimed at getting you to feel sorry for him and stay with him( so he can continue using you).

Google Freedom Programme.Flowers

ferando81 · 11/08/2018 23:05

He should be a lovely partner considering everything you do for him.Its easy to be nice to kids when you only work 2 days a week

C0untDucku1a · 11/08/2018 23:10

Omg you need to have him leave your home. He is abusive. He is a terrible father. He is an abusive partner. You are doing your children a disservice allowing them to grow up with that man living with them.

eggncress · 11/08/2018 23:12

He is not your friend. He’s disguised himself as your friend. A friend would not treat you like this.

Original poster
FeelTheNoize · 11/08/2018 23:21

Thank you everyone. I think I’m gonna call it a day on this thread and on him, I’ve seen enough to know where I stand. Flowers

OP posts:
eggncress · 11/08/2018 23:22

Good luck OP Flowers

Starlight345 · 11/08/2018 23:23

Op . Do the freedom program.

My ex had mh problems. It is amazing how many people are xcuses we allow mh to give.

Do you want your Ds to grow up in an abusive household or a happy one. Don’t believe they aren’t been affected . You are also role modelling to your children

Hidingtonothing · 11/08/2018 23:26

He’s also my carer though but sometimes I think he’s in denial about my illnesses.

Would I be right in thinking this means he’s supposed to be your carer but actually does nothing to deserve the title? Is it that he’s ‘in denial’ about your illnesses or does he just refuse to acknowledge them because otherwise he might actually have to do stuff for you?

I know it seems brutal but you need to see the reality of his lack of care and total contempt and disrespect for you, because seeing it is what will give you the strength to get away from this abusive man Flowers

stevesmithsmum · 11/08/2018 23:27

He’s an abusive man child OP, with his very own tanties when you call him out on something. My view, reading what you’ve said, is that he is abusive, immature, lazy and disrespectful (yes, I know you can give examples when he is "nice" which only highlights that he is not "nice" far too often).

Lastly, your kids may not see this side of him and your poor relationship now; but they will soon, as they grow up. Don’t normalise this for them. Let them know you have more dignity than to allow them to grow up in this environment.

*youre not breaking the family unit up. He is. By his actions. You’re showing you’re worth more than that...pride and dignity. The fact that his lazy arse may end up on a park bench ain’t your problem.

KinkyAfro · 12/08/2018 11:29

Carry on, have more kids, let him continue to abuse you mentally, emotionally, financially...pretty soon the violence will start when he knows you'll forgive him anything.

"Am I a mug?" If you stay with him you are

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2018 11:48

Noize

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That is a question you need to consider as well as enrolling yourself personally onto the Freedom Programme and seeking the help of Womens Aid.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your own boundaries were poor anyway from your ex and this individual has certainly done those even more damage to the point that you do not know which way is up and have normalised a lot of abuse.

You were targeted by this individual and he is just as abusive if not more so than your ex. Men like you describe are rarely solely financially abusive and you describe many types of abuse in your posts like physical and verbal abuse too. This person is your abuser now, not your carer and he has in all likelihood used your illness against you as well because that does make you feel weaker both physically and mentally. He has most certainly used your health problems against you.

Your children cannot afford to sit and see you being abused daily by your abuser; he is in no way a good dad (women in poor relationships often write such denial when they can think of nothing at all positive themselves to write about their man) but an abuser towards them too. Good men do not treat their partner or spouse like this.

Get away from him and stay away from him. He will try and drag you back in; do not fall for promises to change. I also very much doubt he ever lived in a park.

Mayday01 · 12/08/2018 11:48

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the children.
Read up on the effects of DA on children.
You can't drag your oldest through this, as you've said, they've already been through it with your last relationship.
Please do the Freedom Programme and this will help you see the woods from the trees.
Lots of women don't realise they're in an abusive relationship as its their normal, dont let this abuser drag you back in. There is a better life for you waiting Flowers