I’m a mug, aren’t I?

[FeelTheNoize]

Right. Bloody hell.

Ok so DP and I have been together for 4 years. We’ve got a baby together as I have an older son from a previous relationship.

I’ve always worked but he used to earn a lot more than I did, when we first moved in together.

I currently pay for the house, all bills, all shopping, all kids stuff, the car is in my name - everything. He’s chosen to only work 2 days a week because he doesn’t like it and I haven’t seen financial help for months and months.

He bought one vest, a cot and a £50 second hand pram for the baby. I’ve bought everything else. I pay for days out. He pays his own phone bill, but used my spare phone for months that I’d topped up.

I can’t actually drive but I’ve paid for the car and he drives it everywhere. When the baby hated the car seat he refused to take us anywhere so I got the bus and walked with poor health.

If I mention it I’m out of order and when I said he was selfish he called me a vindictive fucking bitch. Whilst I was feeding our baby. He gets so angry all the time. We split up over his temper just before baby was born, he sai he’d work on it but didn’t.

He’s not so much violent to me but will shout and swear and crash about. He “accidentally” threw a toaster at me when I was early pregnant. I’m not allowed to mention that either.

I do everything for the kids and the house. I cook and clean, though it’s never good enough.

He’s just bought himself some new headphones and said last night he’s going on new £40pm supplements.

Tip of the iceberg. Apparently im snappy but if I am it’s because im ducking tired. As for intimacy even if I wasn’t tired I cringe at the thought, because I hate his temper so much.

Am I being a total fucking mug or what?

Get him out of your life. He’s a selfish, abusing, waste of space. Think about how much happier you’ll be without him.

He would get so nasty if I even approached it I just don’t know how to. I just live for the nicer moments. His own mental health isn’t great and it’s so hard to get him to get help as he says it’s useless.

By not paying that’s abuse? I’m also way too kind for my own good.

He needs support? Not from you, honey. Not from the person he is abusing. He needs professional support and if he refuses to get it that’s because he doesn’t want to change. He may have mental health problems or they may be an excuse for the abuse, either way his behaviour is not ok.

Have you ever done the freedom programme? If not google it.

My children don’t see any of it as a rule and I’d never put anyone over them. It’s difficult to put in writing here

Sounds exactly like my ex. Leave him.

Leave him OP.

He’s abusive and brings no happiness to you our life. You will be a thousand times better off without him.

He's manipulating you with tales of his needs so that you don't throw him out (emotional blackmail).

Living for the nicer moments is only half a life, how long are you going to do that for? Another twenty years? Seek some help, Women's Aid would be a starting point for you.

Your life*

By not paying that’s abuse?
It's abuse. What would happen to your children if you decided not pay for anything? By not paying for anything, he is abusing you and your children.

not paying is financial abuse yes

Oh my God get rid now. Pack his bags and tell him to leave

A lovely dad does not call his dp a vindictive bitch when she's holding his child. A lovely dad wants to support his family.

Kick him out , this will only get worse .

Not contributing although he can is abuse.

Spending family money on himself to the detriment of the family is abuse.

Throwing things at you is abuse.

Shouting and snapping at you is abuse.

Blowing hot and cold so you never know where you stand is abuse.

Belittling you and criticising you is abuse.

Pretending something has happened differently to the way it did and that it must be you misremembering or being 'crazy' is abuse (this is gaslighting).

Your children might not be in the room when it happens but they do know. If they don't know yet they will still know something's up and eventually they will know, no matter how much you try and keep it from them. Nobody can keep it secret from other people living in the house no matter how good an actress they think they are.

OP, you and your children deserve better than this using cocklodger. Please contact Women's Aid, have a look at the Freedom programme. When you recognise it's abuse you might feel more able to think about leaving.

L T B
Leave the bastard before he finally makes you ill.
Do you really want this selfish bully to be an example for your children as they grow up?

You say your children don't see it.

But they will, when they get older. Is that what you want for them? Do they not deserve better? Dump him. Do it for them.

Then do the Freedom Programme so you can break these patterns of picking abusive losers as partners, because you also deserve better.

Thank you.

The gaslighting thing is so true! Everything has to end up my fault somehow, I remember things wrong so I crazy. Isn’t women’s aid for women in danger? I can’t bear to separate what is largely a happy family. I know I’ve tried all I can but it’s not up to me.

It's not a happy family, your kids are already suffering from him being in their life and it will get worse.

Women’s Aid is for women in abusive relationships. You’re in an abusive relationship. If you’re thinking about ending the relationship and afraid of his reaction, you’re in danger.

The helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

From the FAQs on their website:
“I’m not sure it’s domestic abuse. He hasn’t hit me yet”
“Domestic abuse isn’t always physical, but it is always abuse and just as high risk as physical violence.”
“I’m not sure I should call, I’m not in danger”
“Then this is the best time to call. It is best to start looking at a relationship that is or may be abusive before you are at a high risk of harm.”

Thank you. I don’t believe at all that any of us are in physical danger but I just don’t want him left alone, homeless etc it will make him worse. I’m gonna talk to him because he does know he’s wrong when I talk to him - sometimes. He does now. I honestly just thought he was being s prick and that’s it.

Mental health is not an excuse for his behaviour. My BF has mental health issues. He has said some not very nice things. But he works on it and makes real long term changes to his behaviour patterns.

He wont do it for you though. People can only really do this if they want to. Ive never had to push mine to sort his shit out. I point out at an opportune moment that X is upsetting me and he makes changes over the following couple of weeks until its stopped altogether. Usually the episodes where the thought patterns are triggered are noticable no matter what but he exercises much better control over them because i dont stick around to pander to them or feed into them in any way if he starts projecting or demonizing me.

I accept him and all of his issues and i will support him and help him in any way i can but i wont carry around his feelings for him, and i wont be made out to be some sort of monster and stick around to hear about it. He also has had to realise im not psychic.

Its fine recognising mental health but it is in no way an excuse for this mans behaviour. None at all. If he wanted to work on his mental health he could've and would have by now.

Oh sweetheart
You said yourself HE THREW A TOASTER AT YOU and that you’re not allowed to mention that.
He’s an utter twat.
You sound so sad and lost
And in huge denial. After all; if you keep saying he’s not that bad you’ll eventually believe it.
He is that bad. His problems are not yours to solve.

Have you read this?

Thank you. It’s all starting to really sink in but the remaining thought is that I must love him to have put up with this shit (and lying, cheating and being on tinder) for these years but realistically I’m just a fucking mug. I just don’t want to be the reason my eldest has his family broken again and my youngest won’t have the same bond as if he sees his dad daily.

@AnotherEmma I have, it brought all these thoughts to the surface when I was already fit to burst.