I’ve become the other woman...advice please

[Singlegal]

I feel horrible for posting on here but the truth is I have no other option and I feel distraught and trapped in a hell of my own making.

About 18months ago I started getting close to a colleague, he is 43 and I am 31. We started working closely so naturally became closer socially and over that period a nice friendship blossomed and that’s all it was as after all, he (C) was married and I was in a relationship. I was not physically attracted to him nor him me I think. A couple of months later he began to contact me at inappropriate times while he was drunk, saying very flirty things and sometimes quoting song lyrics. I spoke to him about it when he was sobered up and he was mortified so we moved on until it happens again. At this point, I was quite upset about it as believed he just saw me as a bit of skirt so I confronted him again and said that I hated to have to say this but I would need to speak to HR if it happens again. He was mortified again and apologised profusely.
At this point I questioned him on his marriage as I didn’t think it was normal for him to be behaving like this and he would just try to ignore the subject but drop hints that he wasn’t very happy. He told me that he felt bullied in his marriage and that they had lots of problems and that he didn’t think he was in love with her anymore. He also said he wishes it could be over but there is no way she would divorce him. I tried to comfort him as he was telling me this and I offered him honest advice as I would any other friend. At that period, I broke up with my boyfriend too. Things just weren’t working out so we decided to split. C was very kindduring this time and we got closer and closer as friends and ended up speaking and texting at all hours during the week and even weekends. I think I enjoyed the attention but mostly I enjoyed getting to know him. He was wonderful and charming and always seemed so wise about life and offering advice. I spoke to one of our mutual friends about this and mentioned how wonderful I thought C was but that I was concerned at how close we were getting.
Pretty soon after I started to develop feeling for C. It happened very slowly but then very quickly after that. It’s like I fell in love with him over the space of a week. During that week, I had spent a week down in the London office (where he is based) and we just connected and giggled lots. I was back down a week later and that’s when he took me out and told me how he felt about me. I played dumb and pretended to be shocked but I think he knew I felt the same. He told me his marriage was all but over and that he felt happy with me in the first time in years. He said he hadn’t felt that way about anyone since the start of his marriage.

Fast forward one year, there’s been only one drunken kiss and nothing else physical but a full blown emotional affair. I say that because we have talked and faught like a real couple. We’ve exchanged lots of flirty messages and sometimes quite steamy sexual ones but we’ve never done the deed. I think that was a line that neither of us were prepared to cross.
Now three months ago I took a sebattical from work because I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t continue being his little bit on the side while he went home to her. It massively impacted my mental well-being and I became depressed and sad all the time. I tried my best to move on and even started other relationships but C would always say he was jealous of my boyfriend and I someone was flattered by that.

Now I’m in an awful state because I have become that other woman and I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk because I think he knows he’s the reason I took the sabbatical but I miss him so much that it makes me sick. I truly believe I fell in love but he does not want to rock the boat at home.

We’ve recently had a massive fight and I threatened to tell HR and his wife because he is behaving like nothing really happened between us when we both know how close we were. I said it because I was hurt angry and upset and now I don’t know what to do. I just want to know if I am being irrational in feeling like this? And is he behaving in a rational way by thinking he can just carry on as normal with his ‘static’ wife as he calls her.

Please help. I am heartbroken and devasted. We shared so much and I told him all about my life and my experiences. I have a difficult time trusting men because I was sexually assaulted when I was 17yeats old but he was the first man I’ve ever openly spoken about that stuff too. It was just easy and he just seemed so supportive of me.
Part of me feels like he took advantage of me because I begged him numerous times just just keep it professional but he said he couldn’t keep away.

Right now I am in so much pain that it feels like my heart is breaking every single day but he seems to be okay. He has apologised for everything but his words just seems so hollow so I feel like I want to hurt him As he seems to have escaped this with his sanity and reputation in tact whilst I am hurt and devastated. It is purely punitive and I am ashamed to admit it. Please give me your honest advice. I know I have messed up but I need help desperately otherwise I may as well be dead.

In terms of practical advice...go NC and stick to it. Find a therapist to help you with your earlier experiences. Use your sabbatical to look for a new job.

Bring the focus back to yourself not him. Yes you did something shitty, but that doesn't mean that you should deny yourself the chance to heal from much deeper wounds.

It is possible to behave badly and also be a victim of bad behaviour all in one interaction. Try and use this experience to point you to yourself and getting help for the trauma you suffered as a teen.

I’m so ashamed to write this here but even after reading al of the messages here, I saw him yesterday. We had arranged to meet after not seeing each other for months just to say a few things to each other for the last time - I explained to him that I did not plan on going back to work. It was very emotional for both of us but in the end he told me that he loved me. We kissed and I pulled away as quick as I could as I didn’t want for anything To happen between us. He broke down and told he would be leaving his wife because he couldn’t picture his life without me.

We did both really want to have sex but I stopped it as didn’t feel either of us were in the right head space for anything physical.

Today he told me that he came clean to his wife about everything. He’s leaving her but I’ve decided that I can’t be in a relationship with him (or anyone)right now as I don’t feel emotionally ready. I explained that I had lots to deal with on my own and he agreed and respected my choice. We said we would remain friends and see what happens in the future and maybe try to have a proper relationship and dating at some point as we both do love each other.

I didn’t think it fair for me to run into anything and I don’t think it’s the right things to do but I can’t help but wonder if I have messed up yet again but leaving him hanging after he effectively left his wife for me? I am ridiculous? I just felt like I needed the space after reading everyone’s comments here it seems like the most rational things for me to do.

Please don’t shout at me. I know I shouldn’t have kissed him.

No you’re not ridiculous OP. Not at all.

You told him you didn’t want it to go any further and that took guts, stick to your guns.

I’m also glad he was honest with his wife, she deserved to know the truth.

I know I was pretty hard on you in the beginning but I can see how much you’re trying to change things and move forward and that’s something that should be encouraged.

Stay strong, make plans for where you want your life to go, and move forward without him.

You’d never be able to trust him, knowing his history, it would be harder on you to be with him

Thank you @yetalkshitehen. I am honestly trying to do the right thing for both of us. I don’t even know in the long if he is right for me. Like you say, I think I would struggle to trust him because of my own issues and the fact of how we got together in the first place. I just know me, and I know I would struggle.

That said, I do love him. I know it sounds ridiculous but he has some wonderful qualities. He is sweet and gentle and one of the kindest men I’ve ever met. I’m not sure what the future holds for us but if it feels then perhaps there will be something real between us but at the moment, I’m honestly not sure. I think we both need time to heal.

On a side note, I stayed up all last night and I worked on my cv. Plus I looked in to some counselling for women who have experienced sexual assault. I’ve never spoken about it before but feel it’s defianteky something I need to do before I go any further in anything.

Thank you for your honesty. It’s really helped me to see where I was going wrong and even help me admit to my own shortcomings. It’s a massive learning curve but I honestly feel better for it x

His poor wife.

OP read your posts on here again.

The posts about you wanting him to stay away and him not respecting your boundaries. About how he manipulated you. How you should not have stayed friends.

Then remember you have agreed to stay friends....again. I am not going to congratulate on managing to not shag a married man. Most of us manage that everyday.

Whatever road you take, you need to remember......You are choosing this. You are not his victim. You are an active participant.

I don't believe for a second he has told his wife everything. I think he is sounding you out. Would you jump into bed if he left her. More likely trying to sound out how likely you are to go to HR and his wife and wondering if making you a promise to leave will stop you running and revealing all.

Reread your posts. Remember how you felt when you started posting.

Do you really want to end up with someone who can do this.
Next it will be, it’s complicated, I’ve told her everything, but we both want to stay for the children.
He’s playing you. Maybe he does love you, maybe he’s the type who can fall in love easily, maybe he’s good at compartmentalising
What ever his positives, he’s not going to make you happy. Trust me.

You know all the stuff he said about his wife probably isn't true. She's the only victim in this story

Hang on you posted last night about prioritisinga new career, your self esteem and moving on?

But you had already seen him or was with him or on your way to see him?

I have to question how “kind” a man who deceives and betrays his wife can really be considered.

That aside, you say he has “effectively” left his wife. Hmm, seen any proof of that or do you just have his word?

I bet he hasn’t move out, seen a solicitor or anything like that right?

Otherwise, it’s just a last ditch attempt to get you into bed before he moves on to the next.

It sounds like a perfectly planned sweet justice. You chose to break him like he broke you over having him. You led him on waited for him to say that he wanted you, let him tell his wife and ruined his marriage before telling him 'no thank you'.

If you loved him as much as you claim to the point of falling into depression and leaving tour job you would have been overjoyed at him finally telling you he was leaving his wife for you.

I am starting to think it was all a big ego thing for you nothing else. You wanted him to pick you over his wife, acted all miserable when he didn't and when he did you told him you changed your mind. I think he had a lucky escape and hope he works things out with his wife and cut all contact with you.

On a side note, I stayed up all last night and I worked on my cv. Plus I looked in to some counselling for women who have experienced sexual assault. I’ve never spoken about it before but feel it’s defianteky something I need to do before I go any further in anything

Brilliant, that all sounds really positive and I honestly hope that you can move forward and enjoy life a bit more.

One thing I will say though, I’m no fan of cliches but this one is true. “Once the mistress becomes the wife, there’s a vacancy”.

Please, remember all the positives and walk away from this man. He will do to you what he’s done to his wife, and that way madness lies.

Head up, shoulders back, get your game face on and move on. You can do this.

@swingofthings I imagine you are the kind of person who would have reprimanded me if I said I decided to give this relationship a go. You probably would have said I was evil for making him leave his wife as well.
Your opinions aside, this was 100% not planned. Believe me when I say, I did not intend to feel like this. I don’t think anyone rational human being would intentionally ‘plan’ to hurt themselves and someone they care about. I do love him but simply think we have lots to work on individually before we can even consider being together. I don’t want to cause either of us further anguish. At this point in time, as much as I would love for there to be a future between us, I simply believe that we would jeapodise anything of substance if we fell into each other arms and romped like bunnies.

And yes, he told he wife there was someone else that he had kissed and fell for. He left their home and is staying with a mutual friend of ours so yes, I believe he is telling the truth as I know the person he is staying with. No idea what the future holds but I am taking it a day at a time.

Yeah sorry. I still don't believe it. It's unusual for a cheater to tell their wives. Especially the whole story in one go.

He knows the person he is staying with is a mutual friend so could be lying to them too.

He is a massive cunt. Apparently who has given a flying fuck about you for the last year and now he is so kind and lovely.

You need to sort yourself out. I agree with a poster who said you like the drama. This thread was just another way of creating some drama so you could live through it again.

Keep your dignity. Rise above this. Be the elegant women in this.

Honestly you will look back in a few years and be glad this ended and realise you dodged a massive bullet.

I've been there, through all the pain and now realise the best thing that could have happened was us finishing.

You don't want a man with such baggage.

Where to start, he really left his wife only to be told that the woman he left her for just wants to be friends and he's ok with that? Nah, not buying it. If this is true, you're playing a very dangerous game OP but at least we can put some distance between you and the 'victim' narrative you've been wallowing in with regards to this lame arsed Mills & Boon entanglement. Now the chase is over, it's just not worth your time anymore.

I hope you get the help you need and I hope you're never on the wrong end of the shitty behaviour you and your low rent accomplice have dished out.

@agentjohnson - I’m sorry that you find this lame and that’s its not entertaining for you. Also, I didn’t once claim for be a victim - that’s very much your perception. Might I suggest you put down the mills and boon because real life doesn’t work like that I’m afraid. Relationship are complicated, I have my own reasons for not rushing into anything and I do not have to justify it. He is understandably not in a good place right now having just ended a ten year marriage (no kids) but he did say it’s been a long time coming and he had contemplating ending things long before he even met me. Whether this situation is of our own making (it is) or not, the consequences are still the same.

@thatsfuckingshit I posted on here because I wanted the advice and opinion of strangers because I was upset and simply didn’t know how to move forward after sitting on this for months. Thankfully some people have been helpful in providing that support. The thing I don’t understand is why people like you would get so personal - I’ve posted asking for advice so give advice, don’t offer unsolicited opinions just to make someone feel like shit. It’s unkind and beneath you.

@yetalkshitehen I really agree with you and thank you for understanding my predicament and why I didn’t jump into this head first. I think it’s really surprised and pissed people off that I didn’t jump into bed with him at the first opportunity. Being with someone (and being intimate especially) is a choice and simply chose not to. That’s my prerogative.

"Put down the Mills and Boon"

That's rich, that is

No sympathy any more. You sound like you’re loving the drama. Grow up, stop playing with other people’s emotions.

This is a messy situation, indeed.
Have you thought about how his wife might be feeling?

Ophelia at the least the wife isn't feeling like the mug anymore and is free to find someone with integrity - if it wasn't OP he would have got involved with another OW.

I’ve posted asking for advice so give advice, don’t offer unsolicited opinions just to make someone feel like shit. It’s unkind and beneath you.

Unkind and beneath me?

I am not being unkind. I am trying to make you see you are heading into shitsville, again. A few days ago you hated him. You wanted to destroy his life and his career. You wanted to hurt him. You blamed him for this whole situation.

Now he has left his wife you are back to loving him. I have had partners that I have loved and they have broke my heart. I have never wanted to destroy them.

It is advice. Part of you is enjoying the drama. You have changed how you feel because he has left his wife. You may not jump into a relationship but it's made you feel better.

He has left his wife. Let's assume it's true and he has told her about you. You are going to remain friends with a view of getting together with him, eventually. Can you imagine how she feels?

What you are doing is unkind and beneath you.

You also haven't said why you posted about prioritising moving on from him, on the day you had seen him.

Oh you poor snowflake, one minute you're suicidal and the next, you're meh. The only time you thought about his wife was when you were contemplating telling her about her H's grubby little encounters with you in a vindictive atempt to get back at him.

However, I am disappointed that you love birds aren't together because it's better when the utterly selfish find each other, thus decreasing their exposure to the non selfish.

Now that's he's available, the whole thing has lost it's forbidden sheen and I'm guessing the next move, is to dangle 'friendship' in his face in a desperate attempt to replace some of the excitement that has cruelly been taken away from you now that he has left his wife.

You're playing a game and the sad thing is, you can't see it.

😂😂😂 honestly 😂😂😂