I’ve become the other woman...advice please

[Singlegal]

I feel horrible for posting on here but the truth is I have no other option and I feel distraught and trapped in a hell of my own making.

About 18months ago I started getting close to a colleague, he is 43 and I am 31. We started working closely so naturally became closer socially and over that period a nice friendship blossomed and that’s all it was as after all, he (C) was married and I was in a relationship. I was not physically attracted to him nor him me I think. A couple of months later he began to contact me at inappropriate times while he was drunk, saying very flirty things and sometimes quoting song lyrics. I spoke to him about it when he was sobered up and he was mortified so we moved on until it happens again. At this point, I was quite upset about it as believed he just saw me as a bit of skirt so I confronted him again and said that I hated to have to say this but I would need to speak to HR if it happens again. He was mortified again and apologised profusely.
At this point I questioned him on his marriage as I didn’t think it was normal for him to be behaving like this and he would just try to ignore the subject but drop hints that he wasn’t very happy. He told me that he felt bullied in his marriage and that they had lots of problems and that he didn’t think he was in love with her anymore. He also said he wishes it could be over but there is no way she would divorce him. I tried to comfort him as he was telling me this and I offered him honest advice as I would any other friend. At that period, I broke up with my boyfriend too. Things just weren’t working out so we decided to split. C was very kindduring this time and we got closer and closer as friends and ended up speaking and texting at all hours during the week and even weekends. I think I enjoyed the attention but mostly I enjoyed getting to know him. He was wonderful and charming and always seemed so wise about life and offering advice. I spoke to one of our mutual friends about this and mentioned how wonderful I thought C was but that I was concerned at how close we were getting.
Pretty soon after I started to develop feeling for C. It happened very slowly but then very quickly after that. It’s like I fell in love with him over the space of a week. During that week, I had spent a week down in the London office (where he is based) and we just connected and giggled lots. I was back down a week later and that’s when he took me out and told me how he felt about me. I played dumb and pretended to be shocked but I think he knew I felt the same. He told me his marriage was all but over and that he felt happy with me in the first time in years. He said he hadn’t felt that way about anyone since the start of his marriage.

Fast forward one year, there’s been only one drunken kiss and nothing else physical but a full blown emotional affair. I say that because we have talked and faught like a real couple. We’ve exchanged lots of flirty messages and sometimes quite steamy sexual ones but we’ve never done the deed. I think that was a line that neither of us were prepared to cross.
Now three months ago I took a sebattical from work because I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t continue being his little bit on the side while he went home to her. It massively impacted my mental well-being and I became depressed and sad all the time. I tried my best to move on and even started other relationships but C would always say he was jealous of my boyfriend and I someone was flattered by that.

Now I’m in an awful state because I have become that other woman and I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk because I think he knows he’s the reason I took the sabbatical but I miss him so much that it makes me sick. I truly believe I fell in love but he does not want to rock the boat at home.

We’ve recently had a massive fight and I threatened to tell HR and his wife because he is behaving like nothing really happened between us when we both know how close we were. I said it because I was hurt angry and upset and now I don’t know what to do. I just want to know if I am being irrational in feeling like this? And is he behaving in a rational way by thinking he can just carry on as normal with his ‘static’ wife as he calls her.

Please help. I am heartbroken and devasted. We shared so much and I told him all about my life and my experiences. I have a difficult time trusting men because I was sexually assaulted when I was 17yeats old but he was the first man I’ve ever openly spoken about that stuff too. It was just easy and he just seemed so supportive of me.
Part of me feels like he took advantage of me because I begged him numerous times just just keep it professional but he said he couldn’t keep away.

Right now I am in so much pain that it feels like my heart is breaking every single day but he seems to be okay. He has apologised for everything but his words just seems so hollow so I feel like I want to hurt him As he seems to have escaped this with his sanity and reputation in tact whilst I am hurt and devastated. It is purely punitive and I am ashamed to admit it. Please give me your honest advice. I know I have messed up but I need help desperately otherwise I may as well be dead.

.......and cut out the self pity

He clearly doesn’t love his wife or he wouldn’t have done this to her. He uses people and manipulates them for his own ego boosts. If I were his wife I would want to know, but I don’t think you should tell her. Leave them to it now and move on from this.

Block him everywhere you can, talk to friends, keep busy and change jobs.

I could have written your post, I’ve been through the exact same thing. I do think it’s possible for an adult to be groomed, particularly if you’ve low self esteem or depressed. It’s an addiction and that’s how you must treat it by going no contact.

I think up until 12 months ago I must have lived a very sheltered life, because I had no idea men did this kind of thing, but it seems there are an awful lot that do.

Good luck OP... I really hope you move on from this quickly... don’t get sucked back in.

I have low self esteem but I haven't been 'groomed' by married men, even though a few have tried it on at a previous job. I find that a bit insulting to people with low self esteem.

.......and cut out the self pity

This, and pack in the threats to tell his wife. Don’t even kid on you’ve considered her feelings at all in any of this! As for bringing work into it that’s just petty.

She does deserve to know what a fucking rat she’s married to, but not from you.

Telling HR smacks of running to teacher to complain about that nasty boy in the playground who has been mean.

You need to grow up, stop seeing yourself as the tragic heroine of a shitty chicklit novel and get yourself a new job and a boyfriend who doesn't belong to someone else.

It's quite hard to be sympathetic tbh.

It sounds like he did the pursuing initially but you didn't have a gun to your head, you were a willing participant.

Surely you knew it would always end this way, what other outcome could there be?

Did you wonder at any time about the 'so much pain' and 'daily heartbreak' his wife would have borne if she'd found out? His children's pain and heartbreak?

You ended it and when he went cold on you as a consequence you took a sabbatical. Did you think he wouldn't be able to endure the separation, that it would prompt him to choose you?

And now you talk of telling HR and his boss. How vengeful. I always advocate telling the wife on here but even I can see that this is all about sharing out the pain. FWIW you will only end up hurting yourself. His wife may not end the marriage for this indiscretion, and then they will both look at you with pity.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Get yourself a great life so that you can look down your nose at this pathetic specimen and pity him in his miserable state.

For a whole year, he has known that he could have sex with you, and yet he didn't. There's a reason for that. The only one's I can think of are:

• He loves his wife (albeit has behaved badly by flirting)

• He has a micro penis

• He has erectile disfunction

• He isn't that much of a sexual being

None of these make him a good bet for a Partner, this is all besides the fact that he is disloyal, to the one person he is meant to love more than anyone (his wife).

He's a sleazeball really. Happy to flirt and sext with you, whilst still carrying on his life (and sex life), with his wife.

You played with fire, having an EA with a married man. The OW almost always gets burnt. You can't cry "grooming" after the event. You're not 12 years old.

If you report him to HR, you're going to look like a nut job. But actually, I probably would tell his wife. Only if I had proof though. Although you would have to deal with the fallout of that, and he could get nasty, so it's not something to do without a lot of forethought.

don't tell HR anddont tell his wife .
(leave their marriage alone)
put the whole sorry tale down as experience and move on

You sound genuinely hurt and also that you didn’t intend to get into this situation.
BUT ultimately you are an adult, you made choices and you now need to take responsibility.

You were not groomed FFS, you grew close to someone and had an emotional affair. Yes, he’s at fault too, but you can’t take responsibility for what anyone else chooses to do, all you can do it be accountable for your own actions.

Do not tell HR- you’ll look like an idiot and won’t achieve anything
Do not tell his wife... she’s the only innocent party in all of this. Because you’re hurt you want to lash out and get others to feel hurt too- but it won’t make you feel any better, in fact it will probably make you feel worse.

Get away, get another job, find a new focus. You say you’ve tried to move on, but actually taking the sabbatical is probably the worst thing because it’s enabling you to feel as though you’re being decisive and distancing yourself but it’s acually Just put you in limbo with time on your hands to dwell on it all and plot about how to get back at him. It’s like you subconsciously wanted to keep the door open. You need to genuinely move on- new job, fresh start, and don’t even think about other relationships yet because the risk is you’ll look to another man to make you feel better.

You’re an adult woman, it’s perfectly ok to be single for a while and get your head in a better place

Just to clarify- I’m not saying you are claiming to have been groomed OP. It was another poster who said that and it makes me mad.... so fucking offensive to genuine victims of grooming. Whatever has gone on in your past, this man did not groom you. He may be a first class dick but you entered into an emotional affair, crossing into physical affection knowing he was married

Don’t tell hr or his wife u are a grown woman who knew he was married not a teenager
Sorry that u are hurting but you only have yourself to blame u knew the situation when u chose to get involved
Block and delete him find some self esteem and find a single guy.

OP own your actions, you are a grown woman but you are talking as if you were helpless in the situation and forced into the EA.

I still wanted to know him as we had some very powerful dialogue between us

So, even though you are trying to convince (whoever... us...you??) that you feel guilty and feel the relationship is inappropriate and you've both overstepped boundaries, you're not feeling that bad that you'll do the right thing and walk away.

So, again, at the risk of repeating myself, own your actions. Do whatever you need to, nobody on here is stopping you, but don't self justify, get real.

If it was your DH would you want someone else having "powerful dialogues" , distracting and diverting your DHs energies away from your relationship?

Will telling HR make you less heartbroken?

It's hard but please, for your sake, take each day as it comes in forgetting this man

Grooming is relevant for a child or a vulnerable adult with learning difficulties or MH challenges and has impaired judgement.

When it's two consenting adults, it is not grooming. That's an insult and disempower a grown woman who knew what she was doing, just like the man knew what he was doing. They both need a reality check, but given it's the woman coming on here discussing it, then they could get the ball rolling.

Take some responsibility about your own actions and walk away. You don’t need to change him, you don’t need to understand him and above all you don’t need to find a way to blame him for all this mess, you aceptes his advances so you are equally at fault.

Stop the drama, stop contacting him, stop responding to him, stop threatening with telling HR or the wife, what are you trying to achieve? find another job if it helps, but don’t expect him to change because the only person who can change this is you, by closing the door on him.

@daisychain01
That’s the strangest description Ive ever come across? So you have to have learning disability or be a child to be groomed ?

Anyone who is vulnerable can be groomed, you can be vulnerable for many reasons.

Maybe do some reading before you come out with that crap.

www.survivorsuk.org/question/grooming/

Anyone who is vulnerable can be groomed, you can be vulnerable for many reasons

I agree.

I also think that OPs use of the word “grooming” is grossly fucking offensive and designed to minimise her culpability in this situation.

I’ve not once said I was groomed! Please can you all stop using that term! We both were consenting adult and we did what we did out of choice. I accept that I made the wrong choice but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

I came on here for some impartial advice, because I am angry and hurt and tempted to tell him wife to hurt him. I know it’s wrong but I was seriously considering it thinking it would somehow make me feel better if I knew he was having a shit time at home.

The bottom line is that I am an adult who has made a very big mistake and I feel like absolute crap because of it so there is nothing that anyone can say to make me feel worse believe me. I am selfish and awful but I know that. I just wanted advice because I am so ashamed of myself and have no one to turn to. I have ruined my own life by running out on my carrrer and alienating my friends and family. Most nights I stay in and make myself feel worse thinking that somehow the physical pain might balance out the emotional pain but it does not. Instead I now have an addiction to sleeping pills and I’m taking anti depressants to get me through the day. I don’t want sympathy. Just some realistic/practical advice on how I can help myself so thanks to those who have offered it. I am numb

perhaps 'manipulated ' is abetter description than 'groomed' in this instance .
either ways it's time take responsiblecare of your Self and walk away .

I came on here for some impartial advice, because I am angry and hurt and tempted to tell him wife to hurt him. I know it’s wrong but I was seriously considering it thinking it would somehow make me feel better if I knew he was having a shit time at home

Still, after all of these comments on the thread, not a shred of consideration for his wife. It would make you feel better to blow her world apart?

You may not have used the word groomed OP, but you did say he’d taken advantage of you which is as bad. Neither are true.

You got yourself into this mess

Fuck all sympathy from me

No, I said a part of me thinks he may have taken advantage. I still think that. We spoke about lots of highly emotional things which did cause me to slowly open up and trust him more and more so in hindsight I though perhaps he did manipulated me. He knew I was insecure about certain things and he played up to it. I obviously didn’t see it at the time otherwise I would not be in this mess!

I was prescribed anti depressants, am dealing with agoraphobia and didn't eat properly for a month after my partner had an affair with a coworker. I woke every morning for a month with a jump feeling like I was falling down a hole. I have nightmares every night about them.

Did you know he was married?

There is advice in the comments, they have told you to close the door and not contact him. You are both adults that made choices.