I’ve become the other woman...advice please

[Singlegal]

I feel horrible for posting on here but the truth is I have no other option and I feel distraught and trapped in a hell of my own making.

About 18months ago I started getting close to a colleague, he is 43 and I am 31. We started working closely so naturally became closer socially and over that period a nice friendship blossomed and that’s all it was as after all, he (C) was married and I was in a relationship. I was not physically attracted to him nor him me I think. A couple of months later he began to contact me at inappropriate times while he was drunk, saying very flirty things and sometimes quoting song lyrics. I spoke to him about it when he was sobered up and he was mortified so we moved on until it happens again. At this point, I was quite upset about it as believed he just saw me as a bit of skirt so I confronted him again and said that I hated to have to say this but I would need to speak to HR if it happens again. He was mortified again and apologised profusely.
At this point I questioned him on his marriage as I didn’t think it was normal for him to be behaving like this and he would just try to ignore the subject but drop hints that he wasn’t very happy. He told me that he felt bullied in his marriage and that they had lots of problems and that he didn’t think he was in love with her anymore. He also said he wishes it could be over but there is no way she would divorce him. I tried to comfort him as he was telling me this and I offered him honest advice as I would any other friend. At that period, I broke up with my boyfriend too. Things just weren’t working out so we decided to split. C was very kindduring this time and we got closer and closer as friends and ended up speaking and texting at all hours during the week and even weekends. I think I enjoyed the attention but mostly I enjoyed getting to know him. He was wonderful and charming and always seemed so wise about life and offering advice. I spoke to one of our mutual friends about this and mentioned how wonderful I thought C was but that I was concerned at how close we were getting.
Pretty soon after I started to develop feeling for C. It happened very slowly but then very quickly after that. It’s like I fell in love with him over the space of a week. During that week, I had spent a week down in the London office (where he is based) and we just connected and giggled lots. I was back down a week later and that’s when he took me out and told me how he felt about me. I played dumb and pretended to be shocked but I think he knew I felt the same. He told me his marriage was all but over and that he felt happy with me in the first time in years. He said he hadn’t felt that way about anyone since the start of his marriage.

Fast forward one year, there’s been only one drunken kiss and nothing else physical but a full blown emotional affair. I say that because we have talked and faught like a real couple. We’ve exchanged lots of flirty messages and sometimes quite steamy sexual ones but we’ve never done the deed. I think that was a line that neither of us were prepared to cross.
Now three months ago I took a sebattical from work because I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t continue being his little bit on the side while he went home to her. It massively impacted my mental well-being and I became depressed and sad all the time. I tried my best to move on and even started other relationships but C would always say he was jealous of my boyfriend and I someone was flattered by that.

Now I’m in an awful state because I have become that other woman and I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk because I think he knows he’s the reason I took the sabbatical but I miss him so much that it makes me sick. I truly believe I fell in love but he does not want to rock the boat at home.

We’ve recently had a massive fight and I threatened to tell HR and his wife because he is behaving like nothing really happened between us when we both know how close we were. I said it because I was hurt angry and upset and now I don’t know what to do. I just want to know if I am being irrational in feeling like this? And is he behaving in a rational way by thinking he can just carry on as normal with his ‘static’ wife as he calls her.

Please help. I am heartbroken and devasted. We shared so much and I told him all about my life and my experiences. I have a difficult time trusting men because I was sexually assaulted when I was 17yeats old but he was the first man I’ve ever openly spoken about that stuff too. It was just easy and he just seemed so supportive of me.
Part of me feels like he took advantage of me because I begged him numerous times just just keep it professional but he said he couldn’t keep away.

Right now I am in so much pain that it feels like my heart is breaking every single day but he seems to be okay. He has apologised for everything but his words just seems so hollow so I feel like I want to hurt him As he seems to have escaped this with his sanity and reputation in tact whilst I am hurt and devastated. It is purely punitive and I am ashamed to admit it. Please give me your honest advice. I know I have messed up but I need help desperately otherwise I may as well be dead.

well you know now .
you've made a mistake ... now move on

Sausage101

She knew.

Okay, once again, I didn’t want sympathy. Just some practical advice.

I found your post nasty and agressive. Agree with the statement that anyone can be vulnerable.

I’ve been through hell and back in the past - I didn’t go in to much detail in my original post but I was raped at the age of 17. I went through every single emotion you are describing above. I was broken and violated and to be honestly, I’ve nevwr really stopped feeling like that. I’ve never spoken about it to anyone bar this man. I just felt like he understood me and wanted to protect me. I rather naively felt protected by him in a strange way too and that felt good. Of course I wasn’t thinking of his wife! If I was, would I be in this mess?!

I know all of this is wrong but please stop being agressive. I came on here for help because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not claiming to be a victim of this because we were both consenting adults - I have always maintained that

Get some counselling to help you deal with what happened to you when you were 17, it’s a really traumatic thing to go through and seeking support isn’t a bad thing. I’ve been there.

But it’s not a reason or an excuse to do what you’re threatening to do. At all, and using it as such really isn’t on.

Find a new job, block him on everything, move on.

You need to pull yourself together OP and admit that you are probably more to blame than he is given that you knew he was married.

The major clue from him was when he said "there was no way she would divorce him"....this should have told you that he was playing games with you.

Throw yourself into some hard work and stop being friends with married men!...it never ends well!
That way you will save yourself a lot of future heartache.

Just for future reference.... married men who tell women that they are not happy in their marriage or any other cock and bull story(wife's MH issues, wife's a bully, wife hates me blah blah blah)....are either lying or are behaving like monkeys who need to grab hold of one branch before they let go of another.

You need to pull yourself together OP and admit that you are probably more to blame than he is given that you knew he was married

I’ve been blunt with OP as to her part in it but I think that’s taking it too far. She was complicit in the affair, and needs to take responsibility for that. But he knew exactly what he was doing too, he’s not been trapped by a temptress.

Neither of them come out of this covered in glory.

I think you are right that I need to move on etc and find a new job but I think the reason I am so hurt and angry is that it’s triggered lost of things from my past.
After going through a lengthy court case, he was found guilty but I was left in pieces. I was just a child with everything to live for but I wanted to be dead. In the end I left home and family as I desperately desired anonymity. I carried on with life, graduated and channeled that energy into my career. I just feel like I am now back to square one. I am the one who has to leave my work and my friends. I’ve been through that before and it nearly broke me

Is it possible to avoid him at work?

What you NEED is to get a grip. Seriously. Stop the naval gazing, remove the rose tinted glasses and start seeing it for the utter bullshit it was. YOU allowed it to happen. He enjoyed having you to whinge to and you to stroke his ego, to he wasn’t jeopardy the security his marriage provides him (or so he thought) to actually have an affair with you OR leave his wife. YOU believed what you wanted to about his marriage. HE didn’t even want to have sex outside of his marriage, just his ego stroked.

It’s not some great romantic relationship, it was an ego boosting trip for him and it obviously met some need in you. BUT you HAVE to wake up to the reality...it was NOTHING. I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but you NEED harsh.

Leave his wife and HR out of it. His wife probably knows what a twat she’s married yon to and it’s nothing to do with HR. You willingly had this ’thing’ with him, don’t make them responsible for your lack of judgement.

Move on.

Do not contact him.
Do not reply if he contacts you.

Look for a new job. If you end up with time on your hands between your old job & your new job go and DO something. Travel, volunteer, renovate the house, learn to do trapeeze, whatever, just go and DO something different.

...but just stop with the naval gazing & self pity. YOU went into this with your eyes wide open. Take responsibility for that.

you made a mistake , you've had a narrow escape .
spend some time on your self , read some books get some counselling .
and some better boundaries .
if you are angry get some help
learn to understand yourself better .
go and see a doctor
lean on more appropriate people for help
NOT married men .
good luck

Op, please get off MN now. You are feeling bad, you've had advice from randoms. You've had a shitty experience. You feel bad. Do something else, like I said this morning, you will feel better. Be strong and revel in it c

let this negative experience be a trigger to get counselling
ring Women's Aid or Rape crisis
maybe now is the right time to deal with your past .
get some help

HR will not give a damn. At best you’ll get an annoyed / confused looking HR a person who goes back to their desk, might feel a bit sorry for you, and that’ll be that. You’re an adult. Act like one. You know what you need to do.

Singlegal, I feel for you.i really do. My then partner had a long "affair" with this girl. Told her lies about us. She just wanted to be loved, I don't blame her. I understand the need to be wanted and loved. Just know though that you are worth so, so much more. You are worthy of honest, true devotions and loyalty and friendship, not this false version driven by an immoral man's desire for attention and egostroking. You are worthy of so much more of this baselessness.

*than this baselessness

"Most nights I stay in and make myself feel worse thinking that somehow the physical pain might balance out the emotional pain but it does not. Instead I now have an addiction to sleeping pills and I’m taking anti depressants to get me through the day."

How would you feel if he was cuddled up next to you now and it was his wife posting the above?

I get the impression that your pain is somehow worse than everyone else's.

Furthermore, you are not the first person to go through a break up. Have a look on here or talk to people in rl, they're always heartbreaking and sometimes involve decades of marriage, devastated children and forced house sales. There is no magic bullet, you just need time and lots of distraction until you get there.

Your life isn't ruined. What hyperbole. Again you are not the only person who has to regularly see an ex. Return to work and if it suits you, start looking for something else. Reach out to your friends, the genuine ones will still be there.

You were mad to believe the words of a straying married man, and I cannot understand why you didn't anticipate this happening, but it's too late for that now.

And only contact his wife if you want to feel worse. You won't have a clue what's going on in his house but you may well see them intensifying their relationship with some couples holidays or similar plastered all over social media. You will drive yourself mad wondering why she forgave him and why he ultimately preferred her.

It's Saypturdsy.

You won't be seeing him until Monday, and the reason yiu've chosen to post here is so you can keep up,the 'drama' of the situation by a bit of self flagellation here.

What you feed grows.

If you refused to talk to him other than work, there wouid be no drama. But that's not your choice.

Own it.

Look, we’re all products of our past; the good, the bad and the downright fucking awful.

But having had awful stuff happen to you does not justify shitting on anyone else. Nor does it mean anyone should play the ‘poor helpless I’m vulnerable’ card to try to shift responsibility for their actions onto someone else

You say you feel he may have ‘taken advantage of you.’ I expect his wife might very well feel you took advantage of her husband’s listening ear.

Ignore the poster who claimed you’d been groomed... that sort of thing as well as being offensive is so spectacularly unhelpful to you. It simply serves to ‘keep you in your place,’ as if you’re a poor helpless little girl who couldn’t have been expected to act any other way.

I repeat- make practical steps to get a new job. The sabbatical has simply placed you in limbo... allowing you to kid yourself you are moving on but in reality you’re not. I even wonder whether on some level,perhaps sub conscious, you wanted to make the statement to him ‘oh look how hurt I am, I need time away from work’

You cannot control or change what he does- now or in the future
The only thing you can do is own your actions

seek counselling for what happened to you as a teenager but don’t use it as an excuse for having an emotional affair with a Man U knew was married

Don’t contact hr he hasn’t groomed you. You are an adult and made wrong choices. U knew he was never going to leave his wife and it’s quite obvious he was probably lying about his marriage. Put it down to experience dust yourself off move on and block all contact with him

Right first off you need to get some form of counselling to help you deal with your past. I get it, i really do OP, I was raped at 16 an had a 2 year court case and watched him walk away...I still have certain triggers but after an amazing counsellor,I can deal with it to the extent i don't let it effect my decisions anymore, so I understand that.
I also understand completely what effect it has on trust issues, it certainly did for is say about 10 years with any serious relationship I had with a guy but I never let it get to a point where i'd have let myself get involved in something like this

Whilst you're off work, seek out relevant help you can get in dealing with your traumatic experience.

This isn't a guy worth confiding in or waiting for or wanting to ruin. The best thing you can do,is focus on YOU and making the best possible choices and turning things around in your life for the better.

I hate knowing anyone has been through such a traumatic experience, but it's all down to how you manage and deal with things to get you on that road forward again...and you won't be going anywhere if you hold on to this tool

That’s everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it.

I take the point about the sabbatical perhaps not being the best idea but I didn’t feel I had any other choice at that point. I was going into work and crying my eyes out so felt I just needed to leave as soon as possible so I decided to take the break and consider looking for other jobs if I still felt awful at the end of it and I do. I didn’t take the sabbatical to get his attention or anything like that - to the contrary we stop speaking when I went away and I asked that we have a break from each other. I felt this was rational at the time. Tbh, I thought I would be over it by now and didn’t anticipate feeling like this. My priority needs to be finding a new job and regaining my self esteeem I think. I appreciate all of you x

said a part of me thinks he may have taken advantage
You are only considering this now because he has made a decision that isn't the one you were hoping for.

Words said, even under the heading of 'promises' as never secure in the future. They are words expressing emotions felt at that time. You chose to believe that you had something special, a connection that he could only have with you. The reality is that he probably meant what he said THEN. He has now reassessed the situation and decided that it's not what he wants anymore. He hasn't taken advantages of you, he has changed his mind.

Any heartbreak, whether legitimate or not is painful. You are entitled to be hurt and to mourn what you believed to be your happiness. All you did was made an error and you are the one paying for it anyway. Give yourself some sympathy and don't be so harsh on yourself. Take it one day at a time, the pain will ease slowly and you'll become strong again.

After going through a lengthy court case, he was found guilty but I was left in pieces. I was just a child with everything to live for but I wanted to be dead. In the end I left home and family as I desperately desired anonymity. I carried on with life, graduated and channeled that energy into my career. I just feel like I am now back to square one.

If I'm being an armchair psychology, please forgive me Singlegal

The way you have described this whole situation suggests to me that you have been 'stuck' in a groove, as that traumatised young 17yo, on the cusp of adulthood, having been unable to reconcile the betrayal by the man you had trusted but who badly let you down. Instead, you've continued to act as a child with this latest man who became your surrogate carer. You haven't been able to move forward emotionally into adulthood because you haven't reconciled your past.

That's why you are acting as if you didn't have a choice, that's the child in you helpless and unable to control the situation rationally.

You might find counselling would help you to put the past behind you and enable you to look towards having a successful empowered adult relationship with a man, where you don't absolve yourself of adult choices and responsibilities.

Why the fuck would you tell his wife, apart from nasty, dog in the manger meanness?

Whatever you've been through is irrelevant.

I'm sorry but you and he sound like you've both behaved/are behaving atrociously and I think you should walk away and not drag anyone else into your sordid mess.

There are positives to be found in your current situation. Let the pain be the catalyst for sorting your shit.

When I split from DD's father (DV) there was a moment where I was angry at myself for finding myself in the aftermath of being a victim of violence. I initially looked to my Ex for the answers but soon quickly realised that there was stuff in my past that made me vulnerable. My way of dealing with the past was ignoring it but during the DV/ end of relationship post-mortem It wasn't difficult to understand where my vulnerabilities came from. Which was the first step of a long journey in understanding myself better. There will always be people with an uncanny knack for seeking out and exploiting our weaknesses, the trick is to be aware what those weaknesses are first.

This is a dark period now but it can be the very kick up the backside that propels you to a brighter future. If you need help starting your journey, enlist the support of a professional. Change jobs, clean the slate but stop giving this chancer more power than he deserves. You weren't his victim, you were a victim of the shit in your past that you haven't dealt with and until you do, you will always be vulnerable to every passing chancer.

Never ever delegate the responsibility of prioritising your emotional wellbeing to someone who is only interested in their own.