Why is he messing me about?

[Electrascoffee]

I've been on and off with someone for several months. He says hurtful things like he isn't sure if he loves me and then if I break up with him he cries and says he does love me and please will I give him a chance. This man is in his 50s. He is always contacting me and saying he wants to meet.

So the other day I messaged him saying 'are we back together?' And he replied the following ;

'You know I think a lot of you Electra and I've said I need space so if we are going to continue to meet I think its needs to be made clear from both of us that right now we are meeting as friends. I don't know what I want right now, but it's not to say that I don't want you. I don't want a situation where we start develeping deeper feelings which can hurt either of us at any stage if it came to a situation where that could happen. Hope that makes some kind of sense 😘 xx'

This is bullshit, isn't it? I've just told him I'm done with the situation. Why do people behave like this? It makes me angry.

Yes, I agree. Which is why I've ended it. It's annoying though.

I have a similar situation whereas a 51 year old man for the 1st month was professing undying love, now a year later he wants to be 'friends' but when I leave him to it he comes back. But insists we are both 'single' and 'friends'.

I wonder if it's the same man Amazon?

He's a drama lama. He loves the attention. Starve him of it and he'll soon stop this shit.

He won't leave you alone because he's a narcissist.

If he were that into you, you wouldn't be posting on here.

Electra, is he in Kent? :)

He just sounds like a bore!

In light of his recent message, you could just reply that you think its best If you don't continue to meet, that he's not what you're looking for.
Don't be waiting for him to dictate how it's going to roll, asking " are we back together
Tell him you don't want to see him, if he turns up at your house tell him to go away. Block or don't block, but you don't have to res pond.
He really doesn't sound much fun, all that crying and no sex. Very tiresome.

Similar situation with sex, first was quite happy to have it, now it transpires, he 'doesn't have a drive' to.

I think it's a massive ego stroke to have someone hanging, waiting to learning if you're going to deign to date them or not. It's such a massive waste of time and energy on your part to get involved. He's not that into you, he's into what doing this gets him. Have higher standards.

Unless you want a relationship which is ALL ABOUT HIM you're really better off out of it. A relationship should suit the needs of both parties.

I think they hope to find the woman of their dreams but before they do they want someone to hang around with. Obviously they will never find that woman, but they are convinced they will.

No he's not living in Kent. It's a shame these people exist isn't it?

I suppose it doesn't matter what he thinks. The fact is that he is treating me badly.

The reason that I'm posting on here about it is that when I tell him to leave me alone and that I'm fed up with this shit he starts crying and then tries to turn the whole situation onto me and make it somehow my fault or tells me I'm not be patient etc. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

Yes, I very much agree Amazon.

I'm stuck with this person also, I understand how bad this is for me but he somehow managed to completely mess my head up, and now I'm just like a puppy, there when he's bored and happy to be around him despite my clearly shitty position. It sucks.

I suspect that he wants the emotional labour and social recognition that a partner brings without any of the rest of it. When he turns up at your work, hes basically basking in the "I am the Boyfriend, I have social standing and position" feeling. He probably talks an awful lot about his fears and feelings and "where he is right now", doesn't he? Providing that kind of sounding board and support is emotional labour, its NICE to have someone you know will always give that to you whenever you want.

However, actually having a Relationship means that sometimes he'll have to give that to YOU, and hes not on board for that. Sometimes you'll expect him to think about YOUR needs, and put you first, and hes not on board for that either. He can't always just do what he likes when he likes.

He’s a dick! Block and move on!

I think you should try to get out of it Amazon. Luckily for me I am not too bothered about him. I just think he's incredibly selfish. Then he has the cheek to say that I'm selfish just because I dare to expect to know where I stand.

When someone is over 50 they are never going to change are they? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think he’s using you or deliberately stringing you along, I think he’s in a bad place.

It’s fair enough if you don’t want to deal with that though, but in that case, finish with him clearly and cleanly and tell him that he mustn’t contact you anymore. Be very clear about it.

'However, actually having a Relationship means that sometimes he'll have to give that to YOU, and hes not on board for that. Sometimes you'll expect him to think about YOUR needs, and put you first, and hes not on board for that either. He can't always just do what he likes when he likes.'

Yes, this rings very true. I remember that one evening I got upset and emotional about something which I hardly ever do and he got really shirty with me about it and basically accused me of being self absorbed. Then the next day he was very keen to make amends.

It sounds very odd, I'd be very uncomfortable with that.

Sounds like hard work.

He sounds like an arse. See it as a lucky escape and raise the bar next time!

He cries because he's emotionally unstable. Further evidence of this is being in his 50s and still afraid of commitment. He's no spring chicken to be unsure about whether he's ready to settle down. No changing him at this age, next!

I had one similar. You're kind and understanding to them and become a toy I think, I seemed to be a counsellor and date when he could find the time. I never knew where I stood even though he apparently adored me

It may be true he has problems, but he sounds very selfish too (I know mine was...). I ended it with mine when I was feeling anxious from it all and my friend exasperatedly said 'what's in this for You??'.

Just be careful it doesn't go on for years and waste your time and opportunities to find a more reciprocal relationship.