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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Had big row with Dh this morning , asked him to treat me with more respect like he would the women at work, his response 'Well they deliver !'

89 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 11:08

This made me really upset ( even more !) how could he say that , what would you do, not do anything for him because 'you cant deliever '

What a horrible thing to say to your DW

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 02/06/2007 11:45

20 years ago when I was a SAHM with 2 small children, we were arranging life insurance, mortgage etc and the advisor explained to DH that he would have to pay at least 20K per year to fund childcare and house keeping if anything happened to me, so therefore should build that figure into the cover. I imagine it would be nearer 30K now. (I remind him of this fact occasionally).

3littlefrogs · 02/06/2007 11:46

X posted with lots of other people - i am so slow at typing.

WideWebWitch · 02/06/2007 11:47

It depends on your assumptions. I recently calculated it at c£100k iirc but that was EVERYTHING (except paying for sex)

WideWebWitch · 02/06/2007 11:54

Here you go, copied and pasted from an old thread

Xenia, I disagree with: "By Xenia on Fri 29-Dec-06 23:41:00 Is it not just that childcare and house work is worth one rate per hour but if the worker earns say £150k a year that's more than the economic value of the childcare and cleaning and perhaps even sexual services you are providing at home therefore the partner doesn't feel like a 50% of his income reflects your contribution?"

Well, I've been talking about doing this for ages, but if you add up the cost of a ft housekeeper a ft nanny and night nanny a ft cleaner a ft prostitute (hmm) You'd be very close to 50% of £150k

Actually, I've just done a quick calculation, based on a ft nanny @ £400/week, a night nanny 7 nights a week, a ft housekeeper and a cleaner for just 5 hours a week. Figures from various googled agencies and er, even without prostitution it works out at £71k. And that's the rate you'd have to PAY (i.e. earn net) so you'd have to earn considerably more than this gross. Ooh, more than £150k atually.

And that £71k would get you:
f/t childcare at nanny rates, which would be 37.5 hours/week
f/t housekeeping, ditto, 37.5hrs
f/t night nanny at £80/night for 7 nights(Ok, so you might not need to get up every night if you're a sahp but actually, often every night for the first year or so)
a cleaner for just 5 hours/week at a tenner an hour.
Take out the housekeeper and it's STILL £52k, without any prostitution involved at all. So actually, if you measure a SAHP's contribution to a household in pure monetary terms it IS worth half of £150k a year.

Ulysees · 02/06/2007 12:04

CU, I know you're away right now but is there a chance you can visit a girly mate? Or go away for a weekend leaving him with kiddos? Even one night may get him to realise how much you do fecking 'deliver'?

I'll admit I've always been a tad selfish and had time on my own. Even now I'm not with dh I get time when he has them. I know it isn't always practical but I do recommend it. If money's tight then maybe visit an mner?

Really feel for you hun, doesn't sound like there's much joy in your marriage right now

Dior · 02/06/2007 12:12

Message withdrawn

DSMEZ · 02/06/2007 12:14

Great post wickedwaterwitch.

Janos · 02/06/2007 13:12

"Mine does this thing where he conveniently forgets all the things I do and focusses on the things I don't do"

My XP was like this. Why do they do it? The carelessness, lack of respect and nasty comments disguised as 'humour' are really hurtful.

Hope you enjoyed your well deserved coffee break, captainunderpants.

harrisey · 02/06/2007 15:41

my dh is really nice to me about all the stuff I do at home (or did - I'm a ft student now but was sahm for 5 years) and I'm still going to show him www's calculations!

Wonder how much you could charge for sex .....?

Idreamofdaleks · 02/06/2007 15:48

Ask him to write a report on how you don't deliver and what he suggests to improve things.

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 18:47

Hi ,

Tried to talk to him this afternoon , apparently I 'bore him', I have nothing interesting to say .

I have asked him if he wants to be with me, and he has said I can go but I do not take the children with me ! WTF !

He knowns damn well that I would never leave the children , he also keeps going on about how its his house ( had the house before I met him, only his name on the mortage etc ).

what a fucking shit !

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 02/06/2007 18:48

If you're married it doesn't matter, you are entitled to half the assets. Tell him that.

motherinferior · 02/06/2007 18:53

And whether you're married or not, if you have been the main carer, any court would say the kids stay with you. Don't let him use that as a weapon against you.

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 18:53

I have told him that sooo many times !

perhpas he needs to see it in writing.

If I went to a solictor would he write a letter to Dh outlining what is what . I have tried soo many times to mend our marriage - he refuses relate - does he need a wake up call . I really dont want a divorce but I would just like a letter or somthing saying along the lines that ' your wife has tried to resolve the differnce but to no avail, by the way you cant chuck her out of the house '

do you see what I mean ?

OP posts:
Ulysees · 02/06/2007 19:09

think fucking shit's an understatement
How old is the child? Think he does need a wake up call and sharpish!

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 19:17

So how do I give him a wake up call that doesn't involve me or the children moving out ?

I though when I went to relate that might have made him sit up and take notice but did it hell !

what next ?

OP posts:
Dior · 02/06/2007 19:34

Message withdrawn

Dior · 02/06/2007 19:39

Message withdrawn

lovemybed · 02/06/2007 19:40

if its a wake up call you want to give him change the locks and leave his bags on the door step. ignore all contact for a week then see how smug he is.

Ulysees · 02/06/2007 19:40

sorry but you need to get out, even if it's just a temporary seperation

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 20:33

I think I will try and find out this week what I would be entitled to if we should seperate. I am not having him hold this gun over my head all the time .

I will also start reducing what I do for him and make him do more for the children when he is at home , like tonight I asked him to bath and put the children to bed, once a week doesn't harm him does it , he is never home in time during the week.

I have aslo left his washing on the line, see how many days it takes for him to bring it in !

OP posts:
morocco · 02/06/2007 20:43

for you. it might do wonders for your self esteem and give him a kick up the arse if you look into all the money etc side of going it alone.
bet it takes ages for him to notice the washing etc!! good on you though. i put all dh's dirty clothes that never made it to washing bag back in his wardrobe piled up on the floor as a similar experiment. took literally a month at least til he noticed. he's got a lot of clothes!!

Ulysees · 02/06/2007 20:58

CU I seperated from my dh in March though I told him in december. It was really scary for me as I'd never lived alone, went straight from mum's to him at 21. I'm so happy now. Financially I'm worse off but I don't work.
You'll get lots of support on mumsnet if you do leave.
I couldn't get a council house or flat so had to rent privately but the council pay most of my rent.
If you're working p/t you'll get help anyway.
You'll be so much better off if you really think there's no going back. He shouldn't treat you like this, where's the respect?
If you ever want to talk and have msn you can add me hun. goldenbrownandi @ hotmail.com

CaptainUnderpants · 02/06/2007 21:24

We have had another row tonight, He states he is extremely stressed at work and the only thing he has to some home to is me.

He has refused to sort thsi out tonight saying he is too tired and has gone off to bed. I have my my pestering to want to sort things out ( which I feel I have a right to do ) driven him to slepp in the spare room.

He is now going to go into work tomorrow, so yet another 24hours without sorting things out.

He just thinks that I can brush aside things.

I am typing away and sobbing my heart out. I used to be such a strong woman now I am dealing with this and dont have the guts to walk out and am afriad of the consequences.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 02/06/2007 21:31

sorry to hear this hun What do you imagine the consequences will be?