my DH

[doormatof]

Can you tell me truthfully what you think of a man who has done these things:

1. Gave my passport details to someone
2. Wanted to go abroad when I was due to give birth to twins. only didn't go because I threatened him with divorce

3.invited in the bit on the side of his cousin into our family home without asking me.(he knows how I feel about cheaters and I was friends with his cousins wife) 4.Let his mum help herself to some of my clothes and costume jewellery which I never saw again. (she claimed she lost them).

1. Allowed his uncle to use our address for his car insurance so that he'd get a cheaper rate.

6.Allowed his friend to rent a car under his name because his friend for declined due to debts and other reasons. I could go on. Would you feel frustrated, exhausted, like he didn't care about you and your feelings, he's stupid?

Well, it's certainly divorce territory for me.

Put wife at the bottom of the list all the time - people like this rarely change because they need the validation that comes from pleasing everyone else.

Giving the passport details over. Seems like it was ok this time, but what about next time? Could leave the OP in a heap of trouble through no fault of hers.

Giving his wife's possessions to his mum - they're not his to give away, that's showing total disrespect to his wife.

And the stuff about the uncle using his address, and the friend using his name - fraud, and OP could get pulled in to that too.

He might be a good dad, but isn't a good husband. OP says she's talked with him many times. He promises to change and nothing happens. Why would one more talk make any difference? Why should the OP give endless chances to change?

Since asking him to leave he has begged to try again and he will change.
There were a lot of tears. I stood my ground and said we needed to discuss splitting up at least temporarily.
He just said no I'll show you a new me.
I'm double minded about what I want if I'm honest but I'm so so fed up of this.
He's still showing he doesn't really care though, hes been given an ultimatum and had begged to stay shouldn't he be making me a cup of tea, helping out, a chocolate bar here or there? Am I being a princess expecting anything? There's nothing... just carrying on each day even though I'm barely able to speak to him right now. Shouldn't he be pulling out all the stops?

Words are cheap.

Where is this “new me”

Aside from whether his behaviour is just annoying or grounds for divorce, i think you will soon come to see him as a weak fool and lose what remaining respect you have. If I was him I'd leg it pronto.

Like mother like son maybe? What his mother did with your clothes and jewelry was totally inappropriate and yet she didn't see that, neither did your son, who let her, as he seemed to think it reasonable somehow.
As there is likely some nature and nurture at play here, this is deep rooted behaviour that he's not likely to change easily.
It sounds overall that you don't feel respected, it's up to you to decide how to gain respect - it might be by standing on your own 2 feet without him and leading your own life.
You've been together 6 years, not that long in some ways, too short a time for there to be no love or affection. Look at the whole picture to gauge his opinion of you. If the love has gone anyway, it would explain a lack of trying, doesn't mean he's ready to agree to go though, as fear of change is enough for people to do nothing, even in a bad situation.
You could try asking him directly how he feels about you - takes some balls. You may just get back what he thinks you want to hear in order to keep the status quo, then the ball is in your court, how badly you want change to occur?

I wonder how long before he starts letting others help themselves to dcs things

He wouldn't let anyone take DCs things as I'm VERY protective of them (not against him just generally) and he'd be too scared to. With me however because I loved him I let things go and trusted him and I usually fond out about these things AFTER he'd done them and then have an argument then.

dogfish1 I have already lost respect for him and I do see him as a bit weak. That's why I don't think this can be salvaged but then the other part of me agrees with what you said earlier about this not being something that's grounds for divorce. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting?

He sounds like someone who likes helping people out ( a rare breed )

I think a lot of the issues stem from his parents tbh.

His dad demands his time. He wanted to transfer the money and his mum with the clothes. That's not normal behaviour.

He does sound like a high functioning autistic individual.

The unable to put me first would have worn me down on its own after this many years op. Not in a universe revolves around me way but this is the woman I married, love and cherish way.

He sounds like someone who likes helping people out ( a rare breed

By committing fraud and theft.

He sounds very much like my best friend’s DH.
I don’t know why she’s still with him either. He makes her life miserable.

He sounds like someone who likes helping people out ( a rare breed )

I know a lot of people who like helping others out. I don’t know many who would commit theft and fraud in order to do so.

I gave the best years of my life to someone just like your OH, I was
a fool. It doesn't get any better, op - your mental health goes
down the pan.

Hi OP, you poor thing - you sound worn down with exhaustion and exasperation. As a PP says, taken separately these things don't seem like deliberately poor behaviour on your DH's part, but taken together must be infuriating and hurtful.

You say he lacks ambition and I do wonder if you have simply outgrown him and your frustration is more a symptom of your overall incompatibility rather than a cause?

Are there cultural issues at play that means he feels beholden to his family? That said, if your marriage has run its course it's better to separate now and try and remain cordial so he can continue to be a great father but as a co-parent rather than your H.

He sounds a bit dim, to be honest :( It gets very wearing when you have a DH who runs around doing favours for everyone else apart from you.

I don't think you can fairly characterise the clothes & jewellery incident as "theft", even by his mother (who apparently saw things the same way) and he hasn't committed fraud himself although he may have helped others to do so. He sounds slightly dim rather than devious.

That said, I think you have to be honest with yourself about whether your main problem with him is that he's an asshole, or that he's a schmuck. I think its the latter and that that will ultimately doom your relationship in a way that his being cleverer but slightly nastier wouldn't.

Tell him he has to go and get the clothes and jewellery back from his mum. Say that is step one in showing you he will change and make up for what he's done. If he won't do that then he's showing you other people are still a higher priority than you.

He sounds slightly dim rather than devious

I agree

And his family take advantage of it, because they know he lacks the ability and common sense to refuse.

Allowing someone to help themselves to someone else’s stuff is theft.

Helping someone to commit fraud is still fraud.

Can he not take on board that he could actually get in serious trouble with all this.

I am wondering why someone would want your passport details.
He could land you in deep shit without you realising.

As for the car rental. You were lucky this time. You could be financially implicated if things had gone wrong.

My worry would be that there are more things he has done or is doing that you don’t know about that could wipe you out completely.

He sounds like a teenager doing outlandish stuff so people will like him.

Come on OP, this is who he is, there isn’t a different him waiting in the shadows. Him making promises about being a ‘better him’ is still all about him because he doesn’t want the status quo to change and he knows that platitudes work a treat on you.

The balls in your court, not his, either accept that this is who he is or stop wasting your time and move on. He can still be a good Dad if you separate but what he’ll never be, is the H you want him to be. He hasn’t changed, your ability to keep taking hit shit has.

Ambition wise what I mean is that he hates his job and even though he has a degree, he won't make the effort to go for a different type of job.
I said I would help him and did a lot of research into how he could still use his 10 year old degree, found a course that is highly desirable in that field, he paid for it and studies maybe 1 hour a week?!
I've asked him if he actually wants to do it and he says yes, I tell him anytime he wants to study I'll take the DC out and give him the space to study etc.. but he hasn't once asked me to do that. I've asked him if he will prefer I do something and eventually he can work part time and of i manage to get a good job I can go full time but to be honest I don't trust him to be able to do everything that comes with raising the DC and looking after the house. if it was up to DH he would let them watch t.v all day and feed them takeout.
Don't get me wrong we have days where we do nothing and the house is a mess and we just relax but that would be everyday if left to DH.

The problem is I feel intense guilt at breaking the family up.
I don't think I love him anymore but I care about him a lot. I don't respect him.

I get the impression you think the marriage is over.

If you feel guilty I think you have to play out the next 10/20 years.

Do you think it will get any better. Can you imagine waking up 10 years from now still dealing with this .

I think he sounds like he just wants to coast through life doing the bare minimum and getting brownie points at your expense and being everybody’s mate