my DH

[doormatof]

Can you tell me truthfully what you think of a man who has done these things:

1. Gave my passport details to someone
2. Wanted to go abroad when I was due to give birth to twins. only didn't go because I threatened him with divorce

3.invited in the bit on the side of his cousin into our family home without asking me.(he knows how I feel about cheaters and I was friends with his cousins wife) 4.Let his mum help herself to some of my clothes and costume jewellery which I never saw again. (she claimed she lost them).

1. Allowed his uncle to use our address for his car insurance so that he'd get a cheaper rate.

6.Allowed his friend to rent a car under his name because his friend for declined due to debts and other reasons. I could go on. Would you feel frustrated, exhausted, like he didn't care about you and your feelings, he's stupid?

Yes I know that's not good but he is still a good dad, I would honestly have left him if he's missed the birth of his children though.
It's nice to know I'm not overreacting because he makes me think it's nothing and that I blow it all out of proportion and then I second guess myself all the time. It's like each time he does something I have to sit and think if its ok or not if you know what I mean.
Could there be something that he has that makes him want to please others so badly, it's like he's incapable of saying no.
Even when standing talking to someone he can't end the conversation ever, the other person will try and DH will start back up again, he can't read social cues very well.
It's frustrating me so much I need to leave him to it.

Can't read social clues, extremely trusting, bad at interviews etc etc. Armchair diagnoses here: all traits of high functioning autism.

he is still a good dad

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aynrand ?? I stand by the statement that he's a good dad. trust me I have no reason to defend him, my marriage is about done.
I feel exhausted when he's around and so much happier and strangely LESS alone when he's not here.

He may be a good dad in his own way. He is, however, fairly lacking as a husband. You sound very low down his list of priorities. If only his 'people pleasing' tendencies extended to pleasing you and considering you, his wife.

Because a good father doesn't treat the mother of his kids like crap.

Have you actually told him how you feel? You've asked for opinions on his traits and yes they are all pretty shitty things to have done but does he know these things are still on your mind? I think you should have a sit down chat with him and make him realise, throw him an ultimatum as you can't keep going on like this. Always choose respect over love!

@sophiec123 yes over and over. I've tried to explain it for the last 2 years and either he denies being like that or he says he will try to stop being so trusting or doing whatever his parents say without thinking or put me first but it's never happened.
That's why I'm sick of it all.

And I have thrown in so many ultimatum that he thinks it's just a bluff all the time.
I really am done now. He knows. I've asked him to look for places but again I'll probably be the one to end up doing that for him as he will carry on as normal.

Denying everything your saying is also manipulation. I know men just think we love a good whinge but that's not the case at all. I personally wouldn't be able to live like that and would constantly be seeking someone who truly loves me and shows me respect. You've got to want to walk away though, not just because us guys are telling you to walk.

Could you write him a letter? Or would he still not take you seriously? Maybe you need to take some time out, do you and the kids, take a step back and make him come to you. Show him what he would be missing if you weren't around. Put a smile on your face and prove to him you don't need him xx

I would suspect he has mental health issues.

On there own I would think they were lapses of judgement but over just 6 years I would think run. He can’t be trusted.

As for
Yes I know that's not good but he is still a good dad

And when one of these stunts goes wrong and he puts your children in danger because of his lack of judgement. How good a dad do you think he would be then.

He is the type of person that would give your life savings over to some stranger with a sob story.

He has no boundaries.

Life is too short to deal with this crap

What I would think of him is that he's a bit dodgy, a bit thick, a bit lacking in backbone.

But the actual problem for you @doormatof is that you and your DH just do not share the same values. OK, so during a marriage you can grow towards each other in a lot of senses, but in this case, I can't see it happening. He's not going to change, and neither are you. You can either put up with his dodgy/illegal/immoral crap, or you can leave and let him be a good dad EOW.

Why can't he just learn from his mistakes or put me first for once?
Deep down I don't want to split up my family but I'm just not happy anymore. He's said he's changing and won't leave but he's said it so many times before and nothing has changed at all.
I'm stuck. My entire family adores him and I'm going to break their heats as well as my childrens.

He lacks ambition and confidence at work too. I would need to retrain if I wanted to be able to make enough money on my own and I'm willing to do it but at the moment we can't afford to put the DC into childcare in order to do that.

I'd think he was a bit of a tosser.

Bloke here.
He sounds feckless and naive but none of what he has done is malevolent and several of his alleged sins are either comparatively harmless, or at least hard to judge without knowing the context (e.g. the stuff about the clothes and his cousin's lover).
You could suggest counselling which would at least make clear how seriously you view all this?
They wouldn't be deal breakers for me particularly given the positives you mention.

Of course your family love him. They don't have to live with him.

He is never going to learn. If he was , 6 years on he wouldn't be still pulling these stunts

Ha ha I think you're married to my ex husband.

Like I said, my EX.

dogfish1
you're right nothing he's done is done with bad intention but it's been a long time of silly things like this and I'm resenting him and feeling frustrating.
The cousins lover was simply: he was in the area and drove over to see my DH, we had learned a week earlier that his wife had kicked him out for having an affair with this woman, my DH was disappointed in him, but all he could do was 'be nice' and invite her in as to not do that would be rude apparantly.
The clothes: his mum came round and asked about some clothes that she had bought for me, I hadn't worn them yet (it had been a month but hadnt had the chance) and so she said to DH I'm going to take them as she hasn't worn them then helped herself to some costume jewellery which was 'old' so I wouldn't want it anyway.

I've suggested counselling and I've made the appointment in the past and he kept making me change it and things would suddenly pop up that he couldn't miss.

Thanks. I agree those things are annoying and cause for an argument but to my mind not in the divorce ballpark. He sounds like he has a somewhat more morally flexible attitude than you and perhaps took the view that the cousin's affair wasn't black and white (or at least not bad enough to ask her to stay in the car). With the clothes he may have thought that you weren't interested and that as his mum had bought them originally she still had some claim over them anyway. Not great, but quite a few people would have done the same.
With the counselling I think you're entitled to demand he attend so you can at least make clear how serious this is for you.

He's a people pleaser, isn't he? He just can't say no. I'm no psychologist but it just looks to me as though he's basically insecure and needs the validation of other people. I wouldn't be happy with that, certainly not when it's at your expense. It seems a shame to LTB if he's so good with the DC though. Have you had a serious talk with him and told him what's at stake?

dogfish. should he not have asked me abiut the clothes first? He knew I liked them and as for my jewellery that's mine.
singlenotsingle he does seek validation from people all the time.
Because of the way he is, I feel lonely and unloved. there is no affection, no thought about me when it comes to decisions, nothing.

Yes, of course he should have asked you, I'm not saying he's blameless. Just that it wouldn't be divorce territory for me.

He's a people pleaser

He certainly isn't pleasing the OP.

I actually don't think what he is doing is minor.

Fraud and theft are not minor mishaps.

My fear would be how far he would take it.

Friend asked me to store a bag.
Friend asked me to sit outside the bank in a car with the engine running.

The man from the bank told me to transfer our savings into a different account.

We have won the Nigerian lottery so I transferred money to pay the tax.

If he is like this now, what will he be like in 10, 20, 30 years time