No one to turn to, need advice

[Sj325]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice on my current relationship, I am really confused and have no one to turn to.

Ok here goes....

I have been in my current relationship for just over 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and have just found out I’m expecting again. My current partner and I split up around the end of April this year for a month or so (I ended it as I found texts in his phone from another girl arranging to meet up with her and go to her place) and because I wasn’t with him or seeing anyone else I stopped taking my pill. We had a holiday booked for us and the kids so sorted things out and we got back together. I planned on starting my pill again on my next period but it came while we were on holiday and I hadn’t brought any with me 🙄 we were careful except for literally one time. Anyway, my period was late so I took a couple of tests and both came back positive. He seemed over the moon, and, although shocked, I was happy too. He’s always saying how he loves my kids very much wants to become their step parent. He even asked if the kids would take his surname.

But... I feel like he does nothing to merit the title of stepdad. Besides spend a few quid on the kids now and again - by this I mean by them a McDonald’s or the very occasional trip to the cinema (which I end up paying most of anyway), he does nothing to help out with their upbringing. I do absolutely everything for them. He was supposed to move in with us at the end of March this year but that didn’t happen and still hasn’t, he stays over at mine 3/4 nights a week - we never ever get invited to his, when he’s here he barely lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand an foot, he doesn’t interact with the kids much - he comes over and goes straight to the bedroom to watch tv and everything else in his life i.e gym takes priority over us. He only ever sees us when he’s done all the other things he needs to do and would never cancel plans for us.

Today I expressed these concerns and I did say to him that I didn’t think he deserved the title of step father. He said if that’s what I thought of him then not to contact him again and leave him alone. I said I was having doubts about having the baby as I went through the same with my children’s father and it made my life a mysery. I said I didn’t know how I was going to cope with another child. He then called me spiteful and vindictive and accused me of not wanting to have the baby so I can “go back to my old lifestyle” of going out when I wanted, sleeping with guys and going to the gym 5/6 nights a week!! This is absolutely not the case! While I did like a night out before I met him, I wasn’t sleeping about! And yea I do like to go to the gym but I don’t understand why he would think I want to get rid of our baby so I can go to the gym!

We’re both 37 years old so are not kids. We both have good jobs. I own my place and he rents his so I really don’t know why he can’t just move in with us. He doesn’t have any children and has never really been with anyone more than a few years. As far as I know all previous partners have ended the relationships.

So sorry for the long post but I honestly don’t know what to. I haven’t told any family or friends about the baby yet so literally have no one to turn to for advice

Op

The writing is on the wall

No offence but you said you have two kids with two dads who have no involvement. When will you learn your lesson? You are heading for baby number three with mistake number three!

Your gut is screaming but you are looking for ways to ignore it

Do that but don’t blame him. Take responsibility for your own choices in life.

His actions show he is not interested.

Re: the naked WhatsApp picture - I think he done that so his friends could see it without him having to send it to them. He kept going on about “how did I manage to get a girl like you” “I can’t believe you’re my girlfriend sometimes” then the next thing I know there’s a naked picture of me on his WhatsApp profile pic!

Not meaning to sound big headed but I was always good looking in my 20’s and still look good for my age, I look much younger than 37 and I lift heavy weights 5/6 days a week so I’m in good shape for my age. I think he saw me more as a trophy girlfriend than anything else TBH.

A naked WhatsApp is the least of your worries

Run.

Run, run, run.

As fast and as far as you can from this classic abuser.

And please do whatever you need to do to ensure you are not tied to him in the future, he will destroy you.

The fact you are concerned what he thinks suggests you need to do a bit of work on yourself. To start, try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (you can find a free pdf online).

Good luck.

@Melliegrantfirstlady - i never said my kids had different dads, I have 2 kids with one father. My 2 children have the same dad, who I was with for 11 years. When I split with him I was single for 4 years until I met the current guy.

My kids father was a great dad and was heavily involved in my kids life until I met the current guy. When I told the kids dad I was in a new relationship, he went really weird and was doing things like not turning up for the kids on days he was supposed to etc... Then one Saturday afternoon he was supposed to collect the kids and he never turned up. We haven’t seen or heard from him since.

Regardless you will never get your fairytale ending.

Odd how a great father just vanishes from the face of the earth. Your poor kids

I can’t see what is keeping you attracted to this man

OP - glad the veil seems to be lifting, but as everyone else has said: classic signs of a manipulative cheating useless cocklodger. Bin him, dont have his kid (also, this is why Im a massive fan of long acting contraceptives like IUDs or the implant - minimal chance of surprises when life changes!) and move on.

You seem to have had an awful run of luck with gross men (your ex also sounds like a piece of work given that he stopped seeing his children just because you dared to have a life and move on) so I would say take some time after this and work on yourself.

That's all some guys want Sj325 a BabyMama!
They like the idea of procreating but without ANY future input from themselves.
And he's calling you BabyMama to your face!
It's usually something they brag about to their stupid mates!
"Got myself a BabyMama"!!
He has absolutely no respect for you!
Do what's best for you and your two children.

Now the emails have started.

He emailed asking how my health had been. I emailed back saying that one minute he’s hurling abuse at me for expressing genuine concerns about the future then the next he’s asking how my health is?

This was his reply:

Saying I can’t look at you right now and u make my skin crawl hardly constitute abuse!

But see really, forget me, that’s for ur conscience with the baby you are carrying that you made that statement and it doesn’t matter who it was to or whether it was just half arsed threats.

I wasn’t even going to bother explaining this because frankly the fact you couldn’t even pick up on it just confirms so much. I wanted an extra hour or so that Saturday to go lay flowers on my cousin’s grave. It was a difficult day for me that day (as it always is.) I wasn’t bothered by going to the gym or necessarily cleaning my house (albeit i thot might as well clean my dishes and kitchen.) Not understanding that hurt me even more. But it doesn’t matter now I’d rather forget it. So please don’t mention this.

So basically, he told me he couldn’t come over that day because he was cleaning his house. In actual fact he was going to lay flowers on his cousins grave - something he had asked me to do with him a few days previously and I had said yes and that I would get my mum to look after the kids for a couple of hours while we done so. Literally 10 minutes before I got the text saying he couldn’t come over, I had spoke with him on the phone and he told me his mum and aunt were going to lay flowers. I said I thought he was going to do this too as per our conversation a few days previously. He said “Yea I was....” then quickly changed the subject. Then 10 minutes later I get a text saying he can’t come come over as he’s cleaning.

Now it turns out he wasn’t cleaning but he was actually going to put flowers on the grave. And because I didn’t guess he was doing that I hurt him? Am I missing something here?

I’d have been very understanding, had he just told me the truth.

Don't bother about what he was/is doing.

This man is just awful, remove him from yours and your little children's lives. No good can come from him being entangled in their little lives. Just ignore him now.
Honestly, he's most likely lying to you most of the time, that's why you're not allowed at his place for a big part of the week. Don't try to understand what he's been doing and when, just remove yourself from this awful person.

Like I said, classic abuser.

The goalposts are here. No, they're there. Hang on, I've moved them over this way now. No not there, they're here.

This man will destroy your head completely. You are not, and will never be a mind reader. And you will always get it wrong, and get blamed for not "picking up on it". Because nothing will make this rotten person happy. Even if you "got it right", he would say it was something else. And then try to stop you from clarifying with words like "I'd rather forget (how horrible you were to me), so don't mention it (ever) again (or else)".

No matter how hard you try to understand, you won't. Because he will make absolutely sure you can't.

Run away!

Why try to pick it apart and analyse it?

Nothing will change

You’ve had sound advice on this thread

Relationships like this only go one way - to hell

It's all lies and stories. You don't need to try and understand it.

It's all about control and manipulation.

He's horrendous.

Random thought - did he have any contact with your ex that could have caused him to withdraw contact? Could be totally off base with this but you know he makes things up.

Block him. Take your own time to decide what to do.

I would hate the idea of him being in my life forever.

@madeforthis although he never had contact with my ex that I knew of, your random thought did cross my mind. He could have quite easily got my ex’s number from my phone or contacted him through social media.

But I just thought I was being stupid thinking that, I don’t think he could be that shady, right?

I’ve blocked him from all phones etc...that’s why he started with the emails. I’ve moved them to junk tho as I don’t think you can’t block an email address.

Got the doctors next week and I am 100% having a termination. I don’t want anymore dealings with this man.

Sj325, I believe that is a very sage decision.
Don't tell him, there will be all sorts of reproach & more manipulation.
Every single thing in that email is half truth & trickery.
Unfortunately you should be checking for STI also

@Mix56

I’m not going to tell him about the termination. I’ve blocked him from absolutely everything and moved his emails to my junk folder so he can’t contact me anymore.

I’m going to have a look online to see if there are any organisations that can refer me for the termination direct, so I don’t have to go through my doctor.

Re: STI - when we split earlier in the year (as explained in my OP) it was obviously because I found those texts - the texts had confirmed what I’d knew all along, as, the night in question was a Saturday night and he was on a night out. He was texting me until midnight or so then his phone was switched off and I didn’t get hold of him again until the Monday morning. He said he had went to a party and his phone had died. He said no one at the party had an iPhone charger (yea right) because I found those texts, I had a look through the rest of his phone (wrong I know, but I had suspicions) and there were loads of girls numbers saved - he had them saved under names like “anal whore” “butt slut” “whore” “cum slut” there was also a load of texts he had kept from these girls from before we had met but the things in them were utterly disgusting. So, because of this, I went and got tested.

And low and behold - he had given me chlamydia.

I’m really hoping he hasn’t cheated on me in the past few months and gave me something again, but I am going to get tested again.

& you stayed with this filth ?

*“anal whore” “butt slut” “whore” “cum slut” there was also a load of texts he had kept from these girls from before we had met but the things in them were utterly disgusting. So, because of this, I went and got tested.

And low and behold - he had given me chlamydia.*

This tells you everything you need to know about this scum man.
Not only how he treats women, but how he views women. My god, he really is the absolute pits of the Earth!
What are you under his phone as?

I think you're making the wisest decision. To be tied to this man and put your children in the position that he could be a presence with them for years to come is such a huge and terrible risk.

I think you should see your GP though. It's most likely wise to have some therapy on your own afterwards as to why you think you're not worth more than his treatment of you. That he gave you an STD and you saw what he said on his phone yet believed you should stay with him says you don't know your full value.

Well done on blocking him on everything and taking proactive steps to getting him out of your life.

You want him more than he wants you, unfortunately. There won't be a dilemma about him moving in, as he doesn't want to move in with you so he won't.

It does sound as if you mainly want him as a stepfather for your DCs, and are driving home the point that you want him to step up and do this. Yet there's nothing to indicate he'd be a good dad to your DCs here

He's your boyfriend, he buys your DCs presents etc but that doesn't mean he wants to be their stepdad. Actions speak louder than words. I don't think this man is angling for anything more than the casual relationship he has with you now. & you've not even been to his home - that says a lot

In your shoes I'd face the prospect of being a single mum of 3 and focus on how to make that work including his responsibilities, as you want to keep the baby. Can you access RL advice and support re your pregnancy/whether to terminate or not? It's a huge decision to make given you feel as you do. A hard decision to make alone , and if you do go through with the termination you'll need lots of support afterwards.

Good luck

I'm glad you've made that decision OP.
You need to do what is right for you and your DC right now.
And having no ties to him is exactly the right way to go.

He's a total tosser. A cheat. A liar and a cunt.
Well done on blocking him.
Good luck.

”and you stayed with this filth?”
^^ This.

Very glad you’ve taken a decision to put yourself and your existing family first.

This guy (and I’m a bloke myself) is a misogynistic arsehole who doesn’t respect you or any other woman. He’s a serial cheat and liar and that will never change. He’d have been a sorry excuse for a stepdad and probably the very last example of “manhood” that you’d want to be displaying to your DDs.

I think he may have been inflating his academic and career achievements to you too, if that email is an indication of his ability to communicate clearly.