No one to turn to, need advice

[Sj325]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice on my current relationship, I am really confused and have no one to turn to.

Ok here goes....

I have been in my current relationship for just over 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and have just found out I’m expecting again. My current partner and I split up around the end of April this year for a month or so (I ended it as I found texts in his phone from another girl arranging to meet up with her and go to her place) and because I wasn’t with him or seeing anyone else I stopped taking my pill. We had a holiday booked for us and the kids so sorted things out and we got back together. I planned on starting my pill again on my next period but it came while we were on holiday and I hadn’t brought any with me 🙄 we were careful except for literally one time. Anyway, my period was late so I took a couple of tests and both came back positive. He seemed over the moon, and, although shocked, I was happy too. He’s always saying how he loves my kids very much wants to become their step parent. He even asked if the kids would take his surname.

But... I feel like he does nothing to merit the title of stepdad. Besides spend a few quid on the kids now and again - by this I mean by them a McDonald’s or the very occasional trip to the cinema (which I end up paying most of anyway), he does nothing to help out with their upbringing. I do absolutely everything for them. He was supposed to move in with us at the end of March this year but that didn’t happen and still hasn’t, he stays over at mine 3/4 nights a week - we never ever get invited to his, when he’s here he barely lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand an foot, he doesn’t interact with the kids much - he comes over and goes straight to the bedroom to watch tv and everything else in his life i.e gym takes priority over us. He only ever sees us when he’s done all the other things he needs to do and would never cancel plans for us.

Today I expressed these concerns and I did say to him that I didn’t think he deserved the title of step father. He said if that’s what I thought of him then not to contact him again and leave him alone. I said I was having doubts about having the baby as I went through the same with my children’s father and it made my life a mysery. I said I didn’t know how I was going to cope with another child. He then called me spiteful and vindictive and accused me of not wanting to have the baby so I can “go back to my old lifestyle” of going out when I wanted, sleeping with guys and going to the gym 5/6 nights a week!! This is absolutely not the case! While I did like a night out before I met him, I wasn’t sleeping about! And yea I do like to go to the gym but I don’t understand why he would think I want to get rid of our baby so I can go to the gym!

We’re both 37 years old so are not kids. We both have good jobs. I own my place and he rents his so I really don’t know why he can’t just move in with us. He doesn’t have any children and has never really been with anyone more than a few years. As far as I know all previous partners have ended the relationships.

So sorry for the long post but I honestly don’t know what to. I haven’t told any family or friends about the baby yet so literally have no one to turn to for advice

He sounds totally immature and irresponsible, he doesn't even sound like he's grown up enough to have a relationship with someone never mind a child, so I go back to my original point, if you decide to keep the baby you're going to have to do so with the knowledge that you'll more than likely be doing everything on your own

Don't have the baby to try and keep him or change him.

If you 100% want this baby and truly think you can manage in every way, and deal with the baby not having a father, then you know what to do.

Don't let anyone force you into anything. He's an idiot for telling people but if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy you just tell people's you miscarried. Including him. Normally I'm all for the men's rights too but this man is bad news and is not good for you or your current children.

My mother tricked my father into getting pregnant. It ended very badly for me. Don't hope this baby will fix things. It won't.

And stop being scared of what he thinks of you. Stop giving him power.

As PP’s have pointed out, you already have two children to an absolute loser so do you really, really want another one? I think in ways this loser sounds worse than the other, I don’t think he would up and leave you when the baby was born. Instead I think he would attempt to control and manipulate you and you would have to deal with that shit for 18 years.

Just think about that, almost two decades stuck with a man you clearly don’t like very much. You would also likely have to deal with him in a way you don’t have to deal with your DC’s dad now, by actually having to interact with him regularly and have him have a say in your child’s life. You could obviously go down the route of not adding him to the birth certificate but he could take you to court and you’d have no choice but to have him added on there once paternity was proven.

It’s obviously your body and completely your decision but in your shoes, I would be looking out for both myself and the children I already had. You just don’t need the aggro he would undoubtedly bring (and is already bringing). He’s a tosspot. You can have all the conversations in the world right now about how he would financially support you but you don’t know if that will ever materialise.

You have a lot of thinking to do and luckily you’re early into the pregnancy so time is on your side.

Also for now I would be blocking him from both your phone and your DC’s. You need a clear head to consider your options and he is fucking around with you.

Good God. He doesn't give a tiny toss about you, OK ? Is that clear ?
I am going to take a roasting for this, but I would finish it definitively with him & go for a termination,
Live my life without this garbage.
Have some counselling, you are nearly 40, & trying to convince yourself this behaviour is normal.It isn't.
If you are having a baby he should be an integral part of your life. He isn't.
He has told you what he thinks of you. What more do you need ?

The more I think about this, the more I think he doesn’t actually want this baby and has created the whole situation to get what he wants.

Being a total cunt, Ignoring me for days on end, knowing I would express concern because of this and instead acknowledging my concerns and taking them on board, blowing up and telling me I make his skin crawl and being within 3 feet of me would be painful.

If he really wanted the baby why not try to address the issues? Is he trying to manipulate the situation so he can get what he wants but make out I’m the one in the wrong? But then why tel his mum? Is he doing that to fuck with my head too?

I’m so bloody confused!!

I’ve blocked him from mine and the kids phones. And although I didn’t want to, blocked his mum and sister too as I know it’s for the best.

I have a week before I see the doctor, to decide what to do with the baby.

Thanks guys for all your advice xx

"Want a baby", like a trophy do you mean ?
He won't look after it, or you, he won't help financially, & when you complain he will say he didn't want a child in the first place.
You will be stuck with this Dick for the next 18 years.
For God's sake, stop this nonsense

It sounds like you’ve taken some positive steps, and I think now it’s time to step away from what other people are telling you to do and spend time thinking about what you want. In this instance, it doesn’t matter what anybody says you should do - this is your baby, your body, your life. Trying to factor in anyone else’s opinion will make the situation even worse, and far, far more stressful.

And please ignore comments like ‘this nonsense’. Have an abortion if you want to, but don’t feel like having doubts about it makes you an idiot. You’ve had two children before so you know what you’re dealing with, and your decision should be based on your feelings about it all. It’s very easy to be cold, clinical and dismissive behind a computer/phone screen.

He doesn't want to be step father or a father for that matter.

Obvious

Honestly think long and hard about the baby because whether you are together or not it will be all on you... As for him.... DUMP Him... He's not good enough for you and your children. He's a cock lodger in waiting...

@mumofone234 thanks. Yea I think you’re right about stepping away from everyone and making a decision on my own. That’s why I’ve blocked his family as well.

And yea...I did ignore that ridiculous comment. That’s the kind of comment I would make to my children if they were acting up, not to someone who was having to consider whether or not to keep a baby in fear of not being able to cope on their own.

Do you want to be a single parent to three children?

@penfold No I don’t.

You’ll be fine either way - you’re a sensible, intelligent person and you’ll cope whatever. Best of luck.

I think you are completely bonkers to consider having a baby with this man. He's probably OK as a 'boyfriend' but not as a partner. You have two children already, do you really want another one to bring up on your own?

Think long (not too long) and hard.

God, I’m sitting here thinking of all the shitty things he done to me in the 2 years we were together and I can’t believe I’ve been so blind to the emotional/mental abuse from this manipulative man!

Like when I found those texts in his phone. He said they were purely texts between him and a friend and I would never understand the context of them. When he was blatantly fucking arranging to go to her house, telling her to pick him up from a night out and her talking about taking him for breakfast!!

Then the time he put a naked picture of me as his WhatsApp profile picture. I didn’t even go mad about it when I saw it but was extremely upset and told him I felt he had completely betrayed my trust. He told me to stop being so sensitive about it and it was just a “risk assessed wind up”

Then the time we had a fall out and he made up this crazy story that he had beaten up this guy who stayed in his street and was being charged with attempted murder as the guy was in a very bad way and he had put the guy in hospital. Turns out it was all a huge lie and he only done it so I would start talking to him again! I called him out and asked to see the release papers from the prison and when he couldn’t produce them he admitted everything.

He’s actually a highly intelligent man as well, he has a very senior position in his work but he obviously uses his intelligence to be a manipulative, twisted arsehole! I honestly cannot believe I subject my kids to a year and a half of this man (we were together for 6 months before I let him meet the kids and he was actually fine until then)

Think I’ve just woke up and smelled the coffee! I need to keep these thoughts in my head and remind myself of what a wrong one this arsehole is!

Onwards and upwards from here. Only my 2 daughters matter to me now

Bloody hell

I wouldn't want him near my dc

re my former post

"Nonsense" actually if your look up the definition, mean, "no sense".

It makes no sense to invent a scenario where he is an acceptable partner or father. No sense to have his baby unless you accept the entire financial weight & responsibility alone.

I did not intend to treat you as a child. at 37 years old

If this guy loved you and your kids he would put you first, be actively engaged in your lives, enjoy your company, be supportive and encouraging.

He does not genuinely love you. So ask yourself what does he love above all else and put first? Himself? His lifestyle? The gym? His friends?
You unfortunately are way down the list.
He does not demonstrate his love to you
He is classic cocklodger

Someone who loves you would be loving/kind/supportive/trustworthy/encouraging/in partnership with you.

He has demonstrated selfishness/emotional abuse/back stabbing/manipulation/tantrums.....

Please get rid
You need to be free to find someone worthy of your love and your family one day OP

I believe he keeps you at arms distance and away from him at his flat as he more then likely has another woman or casual relationships other than you.

He's awful anyway, and manipulative and seems to be all out scum.

You definitely need to get rid of him from your life, no questions at all.

As to the pregnancy, nobody can tell you what to do, but there is no guilt in removing a few cells from your body, especially to keep yourself safe and away from someone like this, who most people on this thread see the red flags as to his abusive treatment of you.

As to what to tell him if you do, I would say that the test must've been wrong and there never was a baby, that'll keep him away from you and his mother out of it too. It was not his place to tell her, and it was a clear ploy to try to manipulate you further.

Just walk away from this awful man, and as a PP suggested, maybe seek counselling on your own as to why you feel you should subject yourself to that kind of treatment, this man and your children's father both sound awful. You and your children deserve so much more, don't tie yourself to this man and get rid of him.

As PP’s have pointed out, you already have two children to an absolute loser so do you really, really want another one? I think in ways this loser sounds worse than the other, I don’t think he would up and leave you when the baby was born. Instead I think he would attempt to control and manipulate you and you would have to deal with that shit for 18 years.

This exactly!

Then the time he put a naked picture of me as his WhatsApp profile picture.

There are many examples, but this is clear abuse of you. This man is a huge risk to you and your children you currently have. Please do not let him into their lives or your own.

You can see now he's an emotional abuser, you've now realised who he is. Now you know, and you don't live with him, it's easier to remove him from your life as opposed to realising it after he had moved in. He's dangerous to you and your family, that much is clear.

Why would you contemplate bringing a baby into this World in these circumstances. You say that you don't think that you can cope being a single Mum to 3 kids and he is NOT going to help you at all.
He just wants a "Baby Mama"!

OMG @HonkyWonkWoman “baby mama” that’s what he kept calling me after we found out I was pregnant 😂