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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No one to turn to, need advice

97 replies

Sj325 · 07/08/2018 19:34

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice on my current relationship, I am really confused and have no one to turn to.

Ok here goes....

I have been in my current relationship for just over 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and have just found out I’m expecting again. My current partner and I split up around the end of April this year for a month or so (I ended it as I found texts in his phone from another girl arranging to meet up with her and go to her place) and because I wasn’t with him or seeing anyone else I stopped taking my pill. We had a holiday booked for us and the kids so sorted things out and we got back together. I planned on starting my pill again on my next period but it came while we were on holiday and I hadn’t brought any with me 🙄 we were careful except for literally one time. Anyway, my period was late so I took a couple of tests and both came back positive. He seemed over the moon, and, although shocked, I was happy too. He’s always saying how he loves my kids very much wants to become their step parent. He even asked if the kids would take his surname.

But... I feel like he does nothing to merit the title of stepdad. Besides spend a few quid on the kids now and again - by this I mean by them a McDonald’s or the very occasional trip to the cinema (which I end up paying most of anyway), he does nothing to help out with their upbringing. I do absolutely everything for them. He was supposed to move in with us at the end of March this year but that didn’t happen and still hasn’t, he stays over at mine 3/4 nights a week - we never ever get invited to his, when he’s here he barely lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand an foot, he doesn’t interact with the kids much - he comes over and goes straight to the bedroom to watch tv and everything else in his life i.e gym takes priority over us. He only ever sees us when he’s done all the other things he needs to do and would never cancel plans for us.

Today I expressed these concerns and I did say to him that I didn’t think he deserved the title of step father. He said if that’s what I thought of him then not to contact him again and leave him alone. I said I was having doubts about having the baby as I went through the same with my children’s father and it made my life a mysery. I said I didn’t know how I was going to cope with another child. He then called me spiteful and vindictive and accused me of not wanting to have the baby so I can “go back to my old lifestyle” of going out when I wanted, sleeping with guys and going to the gym 5/6 nights a week!! This is absolutely not the case! While I did like a night out before I met him, I wasn’t sleeping about! And yea I do like to go to the gym but I don’t understand why he would think I want to get rid of our baby so I can go to the gym!

We’re both 37 years old so are not kids. We both have good jobs. I own my place and he rents his so I really don’t know why he can’t just move in with us. He doesn’t have any children and has never really been with anyone more than a few years. As far as I know all previous partners have ended the relationships.

So sorry for the long post but I honestly don’t know what to. I haven’t told any family or friends about the baby yet so literally have no one to turn to for advice

OP posts:

LadyLoveYourWhat · 08/08/2018 22:04

Only you know how you would feel about it. But I just wanted to say it is OK to have a termination, not that you should, but you don't need to feel that it would be a terrible thing to do if that's what you needed to do. It made a big difference to me when a friend let me know that

category12 · 08/08/2018 22:04

Why are you bothering with him?

RedPanda2 · 08/08/2018 22:53

Why would you hate yourself? It's a cluster of cells that will tie you to this loser for 18 more years. Think about yourself

Original poster

Sj325 · 10/08/2018 10:06

I contacted him yesterday to let him know I had made an appointment with the doctor - I didn’t say the appointment was for a termination (it isn’t as I still don’t know what to do but I obviously need to see the doctor about either a termination or a midwife referral) I said I wanted us to have a talk about the future - if I was to keep the baby, would he support me financially, take responsibility for his child etc.

He text me back saying I made his skin crawl and the fact that I would even imply that I was going to kill our unborn child ‘just to piss him off’ is the lowest of the low.

He just won’t take on board that I have genuine concerns and thinks I’m doing this to piss him off!! I honestly don’t know what to do 😔

OP posts:

LadyLoveYourWhat · 10/08/2018 10:29

I think all you can do is decide what is best for you on the assumption that he is not going to be involved either way. He doesn't sound like he is going to add much to your life!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2018 10:38

He text me back saying I made his skin crawl and the fact that I would even imply that I was going to kill our unborn child ‘just to piss him off’ is the lowest of the low.

This man is an abuser-in-waiting. Whatever you decide to do re: pregnancy is up to you but please stop contacting him. Tell him you're done then block him. And block him on your kids' phones too.

Massive red flags waving all over the place. Please look after yourself and your kids.

Original poster

Sj325 · 10/08/2018 10:46

I have blocked him now. Both the kids had a sleepover at their friends last night. I was planning on blocking him from their phones when they come home.

Do you think he is genuinely disgusted at me for considering a termination or do you think he’s just being spiteful in saying that?

OP posts:

simplepimple · 10/08/2018 10:50

I think he only cares about himself and you're totally wasting your time even considering what he might be thinking.

He'll just say whatever you want to hear in order for him to get what he wants and if you continue like this you'll waste your life miserably trying to work him out when instead you could be happy and free without all this shit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2018 10:53

He's just being spiteful. And abusive. And well, just being a total wanker really.

Hope you're doing OK. Very glad you have blocked him. Please block him from kids' phones ASAP in case he starts on them.

0ccamsRazor · 10/08/2018 10:53

Hi thoughts are not your concern Op.

He is an abusing mind fuck, do not give him any air.

You must put yourself and your current dc first and foremost.

Summersup · 10/08/2018 10:56

He's a horrible man and you are on a hiding to nothing here. He isn't going to 'step up' is he? He doesn't step up to the children you have now, he's not going to with the baby or if he does, the baby is going to be preferred to your existing children which is very wrong anyway.

The only logical way forward here is to assume he's not going to be a good dad or involved at all and act accordingly, by becoming a single mum with the three of them or having an abortion.

I get that this is very upsetting for you, and you wish things were different. But wishing isn't making him any nicer. He's just lazy and disinterested in your family life, will be part of it if you do everything and facilitate everything- basically you are on your own and that's really hard, but you need to be realistic instead of hoping he's actually a really supportive hands on dad type of person when all the evidence is that he's the opposite as well as nasty with it.

HollowTalk · 10/08/2018 10:56

I know what I'd do in your position, OP.

This man is a cheating, abusive bastard. Actually I don't know why he doesn't want to live with you because he sounds like a cocklodger in waiting.

HollowTalk · 10/08/2018 10:57

How many weeks pregnant are you?

Original poster

Sj325 · 10/08/2018 11:03

@hollowtalk I literally found out 2 weeks ago on the day of my missed period (my periods are always bang on, that’s why I took the test) my last period was 6 weeks ago so I guess I’m around 6 weeks

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2018 11:07

If you go through with this pregnancy, this horrible man will be in your life forever. FOREVER.

Your body, your choice.

Pictureiswonky · 10/08/2018 11:25

If I was in your position, I'd have a termination and forget about this man forever. He's a waste of space and will never make you happy.

Of course terminations are very personal, so you can only do what feels right to you.

twattymctwatterson · 10/08/2018 11:45

Op I don't mean to upset you but it does sound a wee bit like you were using the threat of termination to try and get him to man up and be a better partner which is probably why he's reacted the way he has. Honestly there's no fixing this relationship and he won't change. In your shoes I'd have a termination but I'd also have a look at why I was accepting such shoddy behaviour in the first place

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/08/2018 11:51

I am quite surprised you don’t seem to be able to see just how awful this ‘partner’ is.

He will make you miserable. Please get rid of him. Your choose what you do re pregnancy.

And next relationship - expect more and get more from a partner. You deserve much better you probably don’t realise what a good relationship looks like.

Trinity66 · 10/08/2018 11:54

He sounds totally irresponsible and very nasty actually, saying that you would actually have an abortion just to spite him fgs. I think when you consider your choice about keeping the baby or not make it with your eyes very open to the possibility that you will be raising and paying for this child on your own and go from there

glitterfarts · 10/08/2018 12:18

I'd think very carefully about your life and kids life and what is going to have to change if you keep the baby:

Tying your entire family to an abusive loser for ever
Money wise - how will you afford current lifestyle and work with a baby or childcare
Quality of life with having to deal with abusive ex re visitation etc and having him round your kids.

For me, I'd dump the guy and terminate the pregnancy. You have kids to one loser. Don't be so quick to add more kids to another loser. Don't try to find a replacement father for your kids. Why are you even thinking of changing their name to a man who you 1. Don't live with 2. Aren't married to 3. Don't even like

WoahBaby · 10/08/2018 12:29

OP I'm sitting here thinking "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT HE THINKS??!“ Seriously though, what's going on here? You're independent, have your own home, lovely kids, job. This guy is a total waste of space who comes across as a massive egomaniac who just doesn't care about you because he's too busy thinking of himself. Just ghost him FGS. it's clear you cannot rely on him. This baby is your baby, you take things forward how you see fit for your family. Not him. That's just what I would do anyway. Stop running after him, he's got you right where he wants you. You're worth a million of him.

Original poster

Sj325 · 10/08/2018 14:02

I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks. I’m just scared that he thinks I’m doing this to spite him which is absolutely not the case! I would never consider terminating a pregnancy to spite someone, it’s a utterly ridiculous statement to make!

I wish he would take on board that I do have genuine concerns. The concerns really started after he dropped us off last Friday and fucked off to the gym with his friend. He then text me on the Saturday saying he couldn’t make it over to mine as he had to clean his place for the landlord coming on Monday. Then there was no contact until Tuesday when I contacted him to say I would have to go over to his place to get my DD’s birthday things he was keeping for me at his. He messaged me back saying he was going out and would leave the things in the porch. I guessed this was because his place was a mess (he is a slob, doesn’t clean) I think he was lying about having to clean the place for the landlord coming on Monday and obviously didn’t want me to see that the place was a mess. It just made me think...is this ever going to change, will this be what it’s like when the baby is here and my biggest concern is how am I going to cope.

I’ve now got his mum texting me saying it’s great news and how delighted they all are for me! What??!! I asked him not to tell anyone until I had been for my first scan and especially didn’t think he’d start telling me people now after all that had went on this past week!

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 10/08/2018 14:06

So instead of sitting down with you to talk about your concerns like adults, he tries to blackmail you into not having an abortion by telling people you're pregnant and getting them to contact you. So trying to awkward you into not doing it? Whatever you decide to do about the baby, you shouldn't be with this guy

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2018 14:11

I’ve now got his mum texting me saying it’s great news and how delighted they all are for me!

He's trying to control you. Devious little shit.

Original poster

Sj325 · 10/08/2018 14:15

@trinity66 that’s exactly what I wanted him to do when I expressed my concerns, to sit down and talk about them. I never wanted to terminate mate this pregnancy but I, quite rightly so, had big concerns about his selfish attitude, in fact his attitude in general and how it would affect me and my family in the future. But instead I get a tirade of abuse and he makes out I’m the worst person on the planet.

OP posts:

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