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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t want him to leave

65 replies

Wagtail123 · 07/08/2018 17:00

My husband and I have been together 23 years but only got married in October last year. We have a 2 1/2 year old son who took us eight year of trying, four rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages to conceive. We also moved 150 miles from our families for his work in May this year. I found out three weeks ago that he has been having an affair with a 24 year old for almost 2 years. To begin with he kept lying about how long it had been going on but he eventually confessed to the extent of his deceit. I read a lot of his messages to her and he is completely different with her. He said he was sorry and wanted to work things out with me and that he’d been trying to end it with her a number of times. After three weeks of him sulking it turns out he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. What he had with her was better. I still love him and want him to stay. Am I mad? we’ve been through so much and I’ve got so much to lose if he goes.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2018 17:18

The trouble is, if he's already checked out of the marriage, (and a 2 year affair!? Yes he has) there's nothing you can do to force him to want to stay.

Why are you not furious? He sounds like a deceitful shitbag. You and your DS deserve better. Can you not move back to where your family is and leave him there to rot? Sorry, sounds like a shit situation.

BananaToffo · 07/08/2018 17:28

I promise...I PROMISE....you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't find some self-respect right now.

Ask him to leave. Whether it's temporary or forever, doesn't matter....if he "doesn't know" if he wants to be with you, then you should be telling him to fuck off then.

It won't last with her & at some point he will come crawling back, at which point you can decide whether you want him back or not.

But no one will respect you (including him, if that matters) if you meet his ambivalence about you will pleas for him to stay.

And what do you actually have to lose? In a practical way?

flopsyrabbit1 · 07/08/2018 17:32

the only thing you have to lose it a lying,cheating DP who has shown you and your child no respect or commitment

get rid

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 17:34

Please don't do the pick me dance, you will both lose respect for you.

Tell him to move out whilst he makes a decision if you must. Tell him you'll also be doing the same thing, but that he must move out. He cannot be there if he wishes to be with someone else.

I also think he's gone, I'm sorry. 💐

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 17:36

Seriously though, how old is he that he was shagging a 22 year old, and he was doing this when you got married? He was already over a year into the affair? And just carried right on after?

Seriously. Ask him to move out.

minmooch · 07/08/2018 17:38

If he doesn't know if he wants to be with you after 23 years I suspect the truth is that he doesn't but doesn't know how to tell you.

2 year affair? I'd be so fucking furious and would have packed his bags for him (or thrown all his shit out of the window.

2 years of lies and deceits

You and your son deserve so much more.

Kick his sorry arse to the kerb and find your self respect.

A one night stand is a possible mistake. A two year a affair is a whole life of lies. Please don't fall for the weak 'I've been trying to end it with her'. That is bullshit of the highest order! If he wanted to make it work with you he would have ended it with her.

He owes you much more respect after your life together than he does her.

Find your anger and your self respect.

minmooch · 07/08/2018 17:39

And he married you whilst in the midst of an affair! I'd be incandescent with rage. Lying cheating scumbag.

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 17:41

Pick your pride up off the floor and stop allowing this man to treat you so disrespectfully. The OW can be a mug if she wishes, waiting on some dithering bloke who doesn't know what he wants. You don't have to be like her.

Tell him to leave. Be calm. Let him go to her. I'd bet money on them not lasting. She's young, and he has grass is greener mentality. You've been together 23 years - how old is he, fgs?!

You need to let him experience what it's like being in a relationship with her - without the thrill and excitement of secret messages and meetings and sex, and wistful 'if only we could be together forever'. Let him try to keep up with her. Let her put up with his sulking.

It may be that he doesn't come back. But really - you don't have him now. 2 years is pretty long for an affair.

Sorry you're going through this. You do need to act though. & in your shoes I'd start making sure papers in order especially financially, and I'd be planning a move back nearer to family. No need to outline your plans to him - he hid his messing around from you for 2 years.

He isolated you then shit on you from a great height. May be hard to come back from that

Sparkles1992 · 07/08/2018 17:41

go home to your family with your DS. It will never be the same again with him.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 07/08/2018 17:44

OP I have also split with my H after 23 years. I have to take a big part of the blame for it (alcohol) but he also appears to have someone else lined up. I too wanted him not to leave but 4 weeks or so down the line, I realise it was the fear of splitting everything up/loss of the future I thought I had - rather than wanting him back as such.

It still hurts like hell though and I feel physically sick when I imagine him with another woman. But that has got to be better than living a lie.

Original poster

Wagtail123 · 07/08/2018 17:45

I was furious to start with. He came home after a night out with work completely off his face and tried to pee in the wardrobe. Totally out of character for him. So I hacked his phone there and then. I then poured a pint of water over his face while he was sleeping and when he woke up I smashed him in the face with his phone giving him a black eye that lasted a week. When I calmed down and we started talking I stupidly started thinking that it was my fault he cheated. He took the job away from home when I was 8 months pregnant and lived in a hotel for the first 6 months. We were still on a high from the baby at that point and thought we were invincible and could make it work with him being away during the week and only coming home at the weekends. After they the company rented him a flat so we could come stay. First visit and I’d decided we all needed to be together so after 12 months of visiting we put out house on the market. It turns out it all started with her on a drunken 1 nighter after 3 months in the flat. He still let us go ahead and get married and move even though he was with her in the flat pretty much every week. Apparently he did end it with her a couple of weeks before the wedding but started up again pretty much as soon as we got back from our honeymoon.

OP posts:

Jupiter9 · 07/08/2018 17:45

I'm sorry to hear what's been happening, I think it's difficult to see life being single when your committed to your marriage. He doesn't deserve you. Get rid of him. Good luck.

Original poster

Wagtail123 · 07/08/2018 17:46

He’s 42

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 07/08/2018 17:50

If he's trying to tell you he "doesn't know" what he wants, make the decision for him! Chuck him out. You deserve better.

lifebegins50 · 07/08/2018 17:53

How old is he? It does sound as if he has checked out, maybe he hasn't handled the stresses but it is also common for men to start affairs when their partner is pregnant.

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 18:00

She really is playing the pick me dance isn't she? Silly, silly girl. When cold hard reality hits it will serve him right. It's not easy - he's taking away the future you thought the 2 of you had. & sitting in your home sulking because he can't go to her is ludicrous. He needs to be away from you at least for now. He's told you what he had with her, ie sneaking around, was better. Let them get on with their low standards game. & think about what you'll do if he eventually tries to come back

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 18:09

Well assaulting him wasn't ok, if a man posted he given his wife a black eye when she found out about an affair there would be an outcry.

However, I do understand your anger, he has basically been living with her up until May this year when you moved there? He was straight back with her after the honeymoon?

I think it's over and you need to accept it. I don't think this is recoverable from. I'm sorry,

magoria · 07/08/2018 18:12

He knows what he wants. He just doesn't have the guts to say it, end your relationship and move on. Just in case it doesn't work out with the OW.

He needs to keep you sweet by telling you how tormented he is so if it doesn't work he can say he is really really sorry and knows it is you he wants (because OW doesn't want him).

You can't forget what he has done.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 20:14

I think depending on his job and social circle there is also an element of shame in leaving your wife and toddler to shack up with a 24 year old, when you're a 42 year old man. I suspect there is some peer pressure here in terms of reputation as well.

Original poster

Wagtail123 · 07/08/2018 20:18

Yes he is a senior director in charge of about 70 staff. She works for another director on the floor above

OP posts:

TwinkleMerrick · 07/08/2018 20:19

Your not mad! You guys have been through so much. I'm a true believer that relationships can work after affairs, but communication is the key. Would he be willing to try counselling! You are married, he took a vow.....for better for worse! I hope he sees this. Whatever happens, you sound like a wonderful women and you will get through this tough time. Try to take some time out for yourself. Hey someone to babysit and get a massage or do a yoga class. You need some me time to clear your head xx

CocoaGin70 · 07/08/2018 20:21

We’ve been through so much and I’ve got so much to lose if he goes.

But he doesn't feel the same. And you can't make him, no matter how hard you try. Save yourself even more heartache and end it.

You won't regret it anywhere near as much as you regret letting him stay.

Somebodytellme · 07/08/2018 20:28

Get to couples counselling
Work out with a third party if anything salveable
If not work out a good split - how to be good coparent, parenting plan and finances. Harder to do this if he had already gone IME

letsdolunch321 · 07/08/2018 20:31

As a previous poster said he deserves his clothes to be slung out of the windows.

He clearly hAs no respect for you, let him go with the slag who could be his daughter at that age!!

When she is finished with him DO NOT take him back. At the moment he is something she can’t have 24/7, once he is available 24/7 she will be off looking for another.

Make life damn difficult for him, make sure he looks after your ds while you take time for yourself.

Good luck.

ohdeardeardear · 07/08/2018 20:33

Will you ever trust him again?

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