I don’t want him to leave

[Wagtail123]

My husband and I have been together 23 years but only got married in October last year. We have a 2 1/2 year old son who took us eight year of trying, four rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages to conceive. We also moved 150 miles from our families for his work in May this year. I found out three weeks ago that he has been having an affair with a 24 year old for almost 2 years. To begin with he kept lying about how long it had been going on but he eventually confessed to the extent of his deceit. I read a lot of his messages to her and he is completely different with her. He said he was sorry and wanted to work things out with me and that he’d been trying to end it with her a number of times. After three weeks of him sulking it turns out he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. What he had with her was better. I still love him and want him to stay. Am I mad? we’ve been through so much and I’ve got so much to lose if he goes.

She's been married since October last year. It's ten months ago not two years.

Op, I'd also cancel This weekend. You can't go along with it waiting for his decision. Just tell the something has come up and you need to reschedule.

Then tell him to leave. Really you need to tell him to leave.

OP - you say you have been essentially a single parent to your DS anyway. So what will change?

You say you will be left with a living reminder of him - but surely that 's a good thing? You have your son. And your son will be miles better for you than a cheating, weak, twat of a 'man' who wants a Disney princess!

Let him go (sorry! ) and get on with your life. Take control - and FGS don't take him back when the Disney princess turns out to want more that an old, married, tired guy, when she could be out on the town with young hot lads.

In his defence he is pretty hot for 42. No excuse I know.

Bluntness has given you excellent advice that I wish I had taken when in almost exactly the same boat.
Good luck to you but please get rid. He has no respect for you whatsoever and this is also not what love looks like.

Not wishing to sound harsh OP, but he is allowed to leave and he is allowed his own happiness. Yes he has acted deceitfully but that is done and dusted. Bottom line is he doesnt want to be with you, he probably feels trapped with you and thinks he would be happier with somebody else, or single. No amount of begging and demeaning yourself is going to change that.
I would add that if, given the chance, a great many men would opt for a nice looking 24 year old. That might not be right but that is just human nature.

Op how is him being hot a defence for him shagging a 24 year old? Cheating on you? Basically living with this woman for the last three years whilst you basically raised your child alone? For marrying you a few months ago whilst involved with her?

Please listen to yourself. Being hot doesn't give you licence to cheat.

Crop, WTAF?

Listen to bluntness

In his defence he is pretty hot for 42. No excuse I know.

But you have just excused him. You've just come to his defence right there.

And you've excused his behaviour away anyway by begging him to stay and pick you, even though he says he doesn't want to, even though he's laid out exactly why it's no longer going to work, even though he's been fucking and living with a 22 year old girl. To him, you've excused every single betrayal he's done to you by begging him to stay.

He’s telling you all the negatives about the what ifs down the line. He’s telling you, OP, that he wants out. You’re not going to persuade him to change his mind, he’s had a couple of years of freedom, doing what he wants, shagging the wannabe Disney princess (where’s the puke emoji?!). Being married with dc and being faithful don’t give him what he needs. :(

He doesn't want you, op

Sorry. This is the bottom line. Stop trying to persuade him to love you.

It's clear to me that what changed was that your attention wasn't on him so he looked elsewhere! So now he has this young girl hanging on to every word he says. Until she grows up and they get bored of each other.

Regardless - let him leave. Find out how much he needs to pay you and your child and make sure that he also looks after your son whilst you can go back to work, spend time at the gym and socialise. Do not let him have his cake and eat it. He is a father now and if he's split up with you he'll have to look after his child in all senses.

You go out and have fun!

Your marriage is over. You will feel so much stronger if you take back control instead of waiting for him to tell you again he doesn't want to be married any more. He has already told you this. The answer you are waiting for him to give you is not going to be the answer you want.

croprotation is right, actually. He is allowed to leave; anyone is. He doesn't want to be 'married' to you, he wants to be that vomitous cliche - a 'hot' 42yo shagging a 'hot' 24yo.

Let him. DO NOT beg him, DO NOT plead, DO NOT cling. Be strong. Be powerful. Be AWARE - get legal advice.

And above all - BE YOU! You are and have been for a long time, a single parent. You need legal and financial advice. You are your own cheerleader now - he is NOT on your team, and should not be trusted. If you come at this from a position of 'I need you', 'Don't leave me' - he will take full advantage. Get what you need, for your son's future.

It's hard, I know. He has had months, if not years, to check out of your marriage. You need to catch up, and quickly.

Op, you have to to accept that the marriage is over, even though you feel very sad. I know it’s horrible but this man doesn’t want to be married to you any more. I think you need to get prompt legal advice to plan your future. Your friends and family will want to support you through this. Telling people will help to make things more real and it’s part of the process of moving forward.

Do you have a best friend who you could speak to? If you can’t face speaking, could you email or text?