I don’t want him to leave

[Wagtail123]

My husband and I have been together 23 years but only got married in October last year. We have a 2 1/2 year old son who took us eight year of trying, four rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages to conceive. We also moved 150 miles from our families for his work in May this year. I found out three weeks ago that he has been having an affair with a 24 year old for almost 2 years. To begin with he kept lying about how long it had been going on but he eventually confessed to the extent of his deceit. I read a lot of his messages to her and he is completely different with her. He said he was sorry and wanted to work things out with me and that he’d been trying to end it with her a number of times. After three weeks of him sulking it turns out he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. What he had with her was better. I still love him and want him to stay. Am I mad? we’ve been through so much and I’ve got so much to lose if he goes.

You need to implement the 180

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Op. That could be a problem for him then, reputation wise. It could also cause problems at work due to his seniority v her level of juniorness.

I hate to say it but the reason he is humming and hawing could be because of impacts in his workplace. In mine this would be very frowned upon and the manager a laughing stock. It would be a career ender.

It's one thing shagging the 24 year old, it's a whole other thing throwing your marriage and toddler over for her.

Basically it calls into question both his professionalism and his judgement, he's literally shagging the staff. Most companies it's a problem,,,

Christ on a bike. You first got together when she was the age of your child. That’s tough to handle but also pretty grim. A lot changes in those 24 years (see handy visual of her growing up!) Find the strength to leave this guy while you are young. And google the “sunken cost fallacy”. flowers

Bloody hell I feel sorry for you

And even more so if you debase yourself so much by begging for crumbs from this inadequate man's table

Forgive him this and it's a green light to shag every 24 yo (that will have him)

Dear Wag., it is ok to feel the urge to fight to keep him: you have a long and rich common past of struggles and hopes. It is OK if your mind is like a pendulum: swinging between "fight to keep him" and "leave the bastard". It is also ok to want to keep him so that the child -this child that both of you fought so hard to conceive- grow with a father. However he must first understand that his behavior is wrong and behave so as to atone for it, and you , on your side, must be confident that you can build your life without him. Counselling is a must. Try to get hold of the posts written by Letusgoupthehills or a similar username. She fought (not as in a pick me up dance) to keep her husband for the sake of her kids ; it was a long fight (I think about 3 years) but she had rebuilt her family with him... Don't let anyone influence you or put you down: "if I was you I would have done this or that... even if he comes back to you it is just because this is that..."etc etc even if you are now confused and hurt, you still know better than anyone else what is good for you and your child; a good counsellor will help you dissipate this confusion and clearly see what you know deep down...now just cry/reconnect to yourself/ do the stuff you used to enjoy/get as much help as you can (your mum -a good nanny he must pay for -a good counsellor)/go for long walks/meet your friends/dance/rock a boat/read/listen to music etc...it will be good if you could leave your child with your mum for a while when you just try to distract yourself (books/movues/music/walks/friends/coffee shops /dancing classes ..) and dont be afraid to ask for AD from your GP. ..you dont need yet to take any decision... ..rock your mind abd nurse your heart whilst the pendulum swing
good luck 🌸🌹🌻🌼

Kidsneed
What’s the best way to find a counsellor who can do this, the right counsellor
(Your post has really helped me too)

Dear Somebody i am glad my post helped you. Here are the rules of thumb I used to find counsellors:
1- try to find info about counsellors (how they handled previous cases/their values/ their human approach -you will not get details about the cases they handled because of data protection but they might have a personal page online)
2- do not be afraid to change counsellors. You can know at the first meeting whether he/she fits you or not.
3- to make the best use of a counselor try to read a great variety of books-you can find online a lot of info/individual case etc
I must admit I did not go to a counsellor regarding the affair for various reasons. However I did go to many counsellors regarding various little problems my kids had. I used the 3 above rules of thumb to select them. Be strong and dont let people with strong narrow opinions put you down ! Good luck

Somebody in the case of wag counsellor is a must because her partner is not cooperative (it is a euphemism ). Does your partner understand that his behavior is wrong?.is he willing to speak to you about it? . If yes then fix a day and hour in the week where you just talk about the affair or read together books to rebuild your relationship. Take minutes of the meetings. Do summaries/write down the issues you want to discuss at the next meeting etc...Be your own counsellors...you will see: this helps a lot. It is what we did...

I think maybe the point is being missed here. The man in question thinks he wants to be with this other woman and not the op. That's a long way from believing his behaviour is wrong.

I still love him and want him to stay. Am I mad?
Yes! And no.
It's the reaction most of us have when we find out something like this.
I think I tried for about a day and just knew that I'd never forget the hurt he had caused me and I'd certainly never fully forgive so I knew I had to end it.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me.
But it's not for everyone.
Some couples can work it out.

This is YOU and your life and it's your decision.
Are you working?
Could you just get away to your family for some love and support?
You need someone in real life you can confide in.
Someone, non judgey who won't be an arse if you decide to work things out.

But... 2 years is a LOT of lying and a lot of deceit.
No way I could over that.
He actually went ahead and married you, while he was shagging someone else.
Just yeuk!!!!

Firstly, get yourself to your local GUM or SHAW clinic and get checked for STD's
Then get to your family for some support.
Then once you've had some headspace, see how you feel.

The disrespect he has shown you, your DC and your family is just astounding.
Just know that if you do stay with him, life will never be the same again.
You will never trust him again.
You will wonder what he's up to all the time.
You'll be worried and walking on eggshells constantly.
For me, that's no way to live.

We’ve talked again last night and he seems to only want to concentrate on the reasons it won’t work if we stay together. That what happens when six months down the line things are still the same. He claims he’s not been happy for years. We have been known to bicker a lot over the years but not about anything major and that seems to be his problem is the arguing. He’s the sort that’s never wrong and rarely says sorry. Things have been hard over the past three years living apart and me raising a child practically on my own. That’s mainly what the arguments are about. I’m a good wife and mother. I never stop him doing anything he wants. So much so that I’m the past his friends have all said why can’t my wife be like that. Yes I’ve put on weight and don’t look the way I did when we first met when we were 18 but trying to address that. He said that he hasn’t been fiscally attracted to me for years but loved me so it didn’t matter. We’ve never had a plentifully sex life (his fault. I’d do it every day) but when we did it was good sometimes even amazing. But the lasts time we had sex was on our honeymoon in November. He hasn’t wanted me because he had her. We’ve had long dry spells in the past for various reasons so I didn’t worry too much. Now I know, even if he does stay and we to get back to a place where can be intimate is he going to be comparing me to the hot tight 24 year old. We are so different. I was in finance until I gave up work to have the baby and haven’t gone back to work. She was a nail technician until she started work at his place. Into fashion and makeup. Her biggest inspiration are the Kardashian’s and Zoella and she wants to be a Disney princess for fuck sake. They have absolutely nothing in common. She even went to a little mix concert recently. Our first dance at our wedding was Foo fighters not even close. To cap it off We’ve been back home for 2 family things in the last three weeks and I have kept this all to myself. We even have this friend and there family coming to stay with us this weekend and I’m just supposed to play happy families until they leave and he tells me what he wants on Monday. I know I’m a mug but I can’t help it. I love him that much. I’ve never been with anyone else. I feel like my life will fall apart without him. I’m not going to top myself or anything I’m not that stupid / weak. I just can’t let go especially as I’m going to be left with a 24 hour a day reminder of him with our son ( he’s the spit of his dad)

He claims he’s not been happy for years
Ahhh... the cheaters script of re-writing history.

You will NOT fall apart without him.
Blimey, you are already practically doing it all on your own now and have been for ages.

Please don't play happy families this weekend.
Honestly, this will screw with your mental health massively.
Tell him to entertain his friends as you are off for some love and support and you don't want to hear from him for at least a week.

Please don't be a mug.
Please don't do the 'pick me' dance.
Let him understand the loss of you.
This ditzy, Kardashian loving 'child' will get on his nerves soon enough.
Please find your self-respect. I know how hard that is when you've been knocked for six but you must find it.
And you must get away from him, for the short term anyway.

The problem is it seems that loosing me is not that big an issue. The only thing is certain about is our son and thinks that he will be better off if his parents are happy but not together. The only one that ends up happy if he leaves is him. I have to go from a pretty good life of privilege to possibly living in a flat on handouts. I’ll be on my own and a slightly overweight 42 year old with a toddler isn’t exactly a catch. He gets to leave and be happy from day one.

I’ll be on my own - not the worst thing in the world. You don't need a 'man' to be happy. And being 'alone' is not the same as being lonely. I have been a single for 10 years. I love it.
He gets to leave and be happy from day one. -not necessarily. He, as you say, has nothing in common with a 24YO. He could jump from your bed to hers, and still not be happy in a year's time. Then he will have lost you and her.

It's not the end of your world, OP. It could be the beginning. Chuck him out and spend some time finding your own self. Take back control!

And why would you be living on 'handouts'? He will have to provide for his son (that's NOT handouts!) and possibly for you too. Or you could get a job when your son starts nursery/school, like millions of women do.

He 'gets' to leave; there is no guarantee that he'll be happy. He also won't 'get' more than 50/50 contact, if that. It might only be EOW and once in the week.

Ok first off he needs to pay child maintenance. That will be a percentage of his salary, I think you can work it out on line.

Secondly. Your child will be eligible for free nursery hours soon, would you consider going back to work? Even if part time? It will benefit you in the long run, and it won't be that long ago you stopped. In addition custody should be shared giving you a break.

And don't be down on yourself. You will be a catch for the right man. Don't let this man put you down because he wants to shag women half his age.

So you won't be living on handouts. You'll be fine. And you will be much happier in the mid term not living with a man who doesn't want you, plenty will want you, and you can build your confidence back up.

Let him have his Disney princess. Soon she will either move on or get sick of the fact he has his kid every other weekend when she wants to party, and he'll be on to the next 22 year old he can find.

You can make a brilliant life for yourself. Go for it.

First thing I would be doing is packing his shit up, if it is his friends/family coming I would be telling them due to unforeseen circumstances the weekend visit is off, if it was my family I would encourage them to come & tell them what a massive bastard my dh is. No waiting around till Monday to find out he has chosen the girl who he could be dad to. Fuck him off now.

You mentioned living a life without privileges - your dh has to provide maintenance for your ds. Life is not always rosy !!! - I didn’t think my exh of 21yrs would have an affair and leave me - he did. You have to put your big girl pants on and get on with life.

If his fling with the girl doesn’t work out - TOUGH on him. Don’t be a walkover like you are portraying yourself to be at the moment. Do yourself a massive favour - fuck the idiot 42yr old off NOW.

Why are you the one begging, it should be him after everything he's done.

He's telling you it's over, and that's a huge favour to you, because he hasn't been treating you with any respect, and by staying, you're not treating yourself with any either.

He's put you at risk of STD's (make sure to have tests) and pretty much has been living with this woman. That's not worth living a life of privilege.

And why would you be living in a flat on handouts? If you could afford a great life before, you are entitled to something in a divorce. And you know what, some people in flats and on benefits are living very happy lives anyway.

Cancel the friends this weekend.

I’m not going to top myself or anything I’m not that stupid / weak.

And I know you've been through a rough time, but some of your posts are pretty misguided/offensive.

This in particular shows a complete lack of understanding/empathy on your part of the complexities of MH disorders and their effects.

People who take their own lives are neither stupid or weak. Not one single one of them. I'm not going to say something here, I could and I almost posted it, but I didn't. But it's pretty ignorant to hold those opinions still.

I'm sorry, just couldn't let that comment pass by.

until they leave and he tells me what he wants on Monday

It can't be just me who is utterly bemused by the fact this man has been cheating and living with a younger woman, and yet he holds all of the power and say and the OP is waiting with bated breath for his decision on this.

I fail to see how he has all of this power when he's done you so wrong OP.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now and all you want is for the desperate panic to go away. He is all you’ve ever know for years and he’s snatching your future away from you and you’re looking into a big black hole that is your future. But, and it’s a big but.. your future is now yours, it’s not built on years of lies, your ds won’t only have one happy parent. You will be happy too, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will be. There will be a time when you’re happy and moving on, and you won’t actually care about him any longer.

You need to put on your big girls pants and put yourself first. Tell him to leave whilst you process this, or better still move back to your family with your dc. Tell everyone you’re separating and tell them why, stop covering for him, you need your friends and family to support you and they need to know what’s going on.

OP 8 years of IVF is tough I speak from experience and I suspect you’d felt now was the happy time. That is a tough thing to have to dust yourself down and deal with a fresh load of trouble and heat ache. That unfortunately is were you are. However as you’ve pointed out currently he gets to leave with his bit of fluf and you are left high and dry. I would advise taking advantage of his guilt and driving the hardest bargain you can finically and making him act quickly. You’ve been together a long time even if only married 2 years. Focus very much on that and get yourself a solicitor. (As an aside running off with the office junior will no doubt bring a level of trouble to his door that I wouldn’t like to guess at.... no fool like an old fool) It’s horrible but you’ve proven how tough you’ve been when dealing with IVF you can deal with this too. Good luck