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Relationships

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Original poster

Hubby says I'm not affectionate and never initiate sex....

57 replies

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 15:04

So as the title says, out of the blue hubby has had quite a rant at me this morning about how he feels like I don't fancy or love him. I say out of the blue....he's said this to me before a few years back, and a few years before that. It's usually borne out of frustration building up over months I think. Its true, I hardly ever initiate sex, I'm not that affectionate- I'll hold hands and kiss but no passionate snogs really or much else. I don't know why- I'm just like this! But I feel like if I don't change he may just give up on me and leave. We've been married almost 10 years (our anniversary is in a few weeks). I have no idea how to change. I am not a huge touchy feely person. And when it comes to sex I just don't often think ah I want sex, but if he starts touching me....that changes. So that's why I never initiate. (oh and I don't often refuse so its not like he goes for weeks without it) Oh and there's also the 3 young kids, total exhaustion and health issues I have to deal with. I did mention those but he has a very stressful job so it's not like he's not stressed out and exhausted too.

I tried explaining to him that men can be turned on by just looking at women/it's more physical, women need more time, more 'warming up' but he didn't really think that was a good enough excuse. I've googled it and it seems to be a pretty widespread issue with women not initiating and also a few articles on why (the way we're wired etc) but if he's not happy then I need to change somehow.....

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 15:06

I should add- I am attracted to him- he does A LOT of exercise and if I look at him I think fwoar! nice! but I guess I think it but don't show it.....

OP posts:

SunflowerJo08 · 07/08/2018 15:50

Tell him you think he looks fit. I'm sure he'll take you putting his hand where you'd like them to go as a valid sign of affection!

Tryingagain1 · 07/08/2018 16:29

Just start showing him affection and initiate sex sometimes, job done but seriously, I'm sure he'd really appreciate if you made the effort. If you know you will get in the mood once he starts touching you then why not help him out and surprise him?

xmaspost · 07/08/2018 16:53

Like Tryingagain1 says show him some affection and initiate sex from time to time ... that could make him feel more comfortable too, instead of maybe being concerned he's pushing you for sex.

Huskylover1 · 07/08/2018 17:15

I tried explaining to him that men can be turned on by just looking at women/it's more physical, women need more time, more 'warming up'

That's a massive generalisation, and certainly not true for me (I'm female). That said, my kids are grown up, so I don't have the demands of 3 small children on me.

If you fancy him, and do enjoy the sex, just make an effort to initiate. It's not rocket science.

ravenmum · 07/08/2018 17:29

I don't know what goes on in men's heads, but I do know that in mine a bit of fantasising really gets me in the mood . And if that's not enough, you can "warm yourself up" manually, too. Not just for his benefit ... a nice orgasm can brighten up your day no end!

ravenmum · 07/08/2018 17:43

if he starts touching me....that changes
And how about if you touch him, does that stir anything in you?

Notmany · 07/08/2018 17:46

Just remember that your DH like many men is not blest with the ability to look inside your head and see what you are thinking. You obviously are attracted to him so tell him and show him that a bit more.

However I think both of you could do with looking up something called responsive desire which might be enlightening for both of you.

RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 17:55

I read this thing once about how women can sometimes think that being in the mood for sex is only a thing when they feel the physical effects of arousal. Whereas men can be up for it long before they feel a stirring in their trousers.

The advice was to start thinking of those times when you think "hey, sex might be nice", or "hey, dh is pretty fit" as being the first stirrings of being in the mood, and then actively taking the initiative to instigate the physical arousal you're waiting for.

I think that advice might be pretty pertinent for you OP. Try exploring your own sexual responses when you maybe have a few minutes to spare or have a lull after the dc are in bed. Don't see it as servicing his need for sex, but as exploring what constitutes mental arousal, or what gets you in the mood BEFORE any touching starts, and learn to connect that with all the good physical sensations that often come from that. Do it to explore you OWN sexual enjoyment.

Good luck! We only have one life, you deserve to be getting all the good stuff of sex and to be in control of how you go about getting it from and with the person you love.

RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 17:56

Responsive desire, yes, I think that was what it's called! Well done pp

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:08

thanks- yes those of you who said just show him some affection and initiate sex and job done! It does sound so easy, but I guess life just gets so hectic and I don't do it automatically then forget to 'make an effort' and before I know months have passed (and his frustration grows) and the whole initiating sex thing..I am a bit erm shy and find myself saying 'just touch him goddamit'....and sometimes I just bottle it, find it easier to turn over and go to sleep (especially when I'm knackered) I don't know if its a fear of rejection or usually I just cba which is awful. But like I said if he turns me on then I can be arsed. God I'm just lazy and selfish

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:10

ratrolypoly yes that's what I read! And I can relate to it completely. But yes sorry Huskylover1 it was a generalisation, I know not all women are like that, but I thought it was more the case with women than with men.

ravenmum yeah I do a bit of fantasising in my head (god I've never said or typed that out loud!) and yes I guess I get going once I've started touching him, so I think it's just that I feel nothing/am not aroused before the touching and so that's why I find it hard to initiate as I'm not in the mood until after that starts iykwim.

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Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:12

now of course even if I do start trying harder/being more affectionate/initiating he's going to think I'm doing it because of what he said

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RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 18:13

Honestly OP, you're not lazy and selfish! The world we live in means sexual fulfilment is aimed primarily at men. It's a leisure activity for them. And what is it for women? It's a fucking chore! It's spending hours worrying if you're too fat, too thin, too prudish, a slut will he call, won't he? It's about being harassed for looking shit and catcalled for looking hot. And then at the end of it no-one's even bothered if you came or not, so long as the guy got his!

It's no wonder that for so many women once they have the husband and the kids it's a blessed relief to put the whole sorry mess behind them. It's not your fault, there's very little in sex for your average woman.

But it really doesn't have to be like that. You can reclaim it as something that works for you and enriches your life. It takes effort to get off the ground, like any new hobby, but it really can be fun in the end.

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:13

I'm also torn between being the loving wife -wanting to please him/keeping him feeling loved/desired and the bloody shattered/resentful wife- not wanting to give him sex just to keep him happy when I'm not in the mood.

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Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:17

I sound so lame when I say to him I like romance- wine/candles/cuddling to feel more close and then sex seems more like a natural continuation- whereas he will just fancy sex like a switch just turns on and he wants it right then. Or he might fancy sex even after we had an argument earlier in the day. I'm still fuming and resentful but he's moved on. I feel like he just approaches it so differently to me!

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 18:18

Question; what do you want from sex going forward? Are you ready to write it off completely or do you think it could be something to look forward to in the future?

If it's something you want in the future and you have a willing participant to hand that you fancy, don't be put off by the idea he might be enjoying it too

Notmany · 07/08/2018 18:19

OP if he is bothered about you making an effort now after raising it then he is just setting you up to fail really so I'd call him out on it. Just say that you've listened to what he has said and think he is right and you are trying to show him more affection. Ask him to see how it goes for a while and agree to have another talk about it in a few weeks.

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:19

ratrolypoly thanks lol! That's very true. I hated all the groping/assholes/being single stuff and was glad to put it all behind me!

we probably need to find more time for ourselves to rekindle stuff a bit but it's like bloody gold dust!!

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RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 18:19

If you like candles have candles!

ravenmum · 07/08/2018 18:21

I know exactly what you mean, sunshine! Actually, with my current bf I am a lot more experimental (by my standards!) than with my long-term ex, as once you have got into a certain rhythm, so to speak, it can feel weird "suddenly" doing something different. It feels much less weird with a new person.

But by thinking "I am x kind of person", you are restricting yourself. Think carefully: are you really that unaffectionate person? Where does that idea come from? Do you agree with it? Maybe you actually get turned on by a long, lingering kiss, but something is getting in the way right now.

In my case I'm afraid my ex kind of encouraged the idea that he was more experimental / better in bed than me. To his own detriment. Didn't help that I had some issues left over from starting my sex life relatively late, following social anxiety and an attack in my teens. Therapy that helped me feel better about myself has probably also helped my love life.

ravenmum · 07/08/2018 18:23

Sounds like you need more sex on your terms. Big turnon.

Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:23

Notmany yeah I'l see how it goes I guess although he's not here the rest of the week/weekend/next week. I think it doesn't help that hes away so much. I suppose it'd make more sense that I'd be more affectionate as I don't see him so much but the opposite tends to happen. It's like I'm so used to him being away I get used to being on my own.

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Original poster

sunshine05 · 07/08/2018 18:28

Ravenmum I was told by my mum that I wasn't a particularly affectionate child and I guess I assumed it to be true. But I do love someone to be affectionate towards me, I love it, I just struggle to reciprocate. It feels a bit forced/awkward.

Yeah we've got into an awful rut. He always initiates, it's always in bed, in the dark- probably no more than 3-4 positions. Guaranteed happy ending for both of us but dull as dishwater I suppose.

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Notmany · 07/08/2018 18:30

I think this idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder doesn't really apply when it is a regular part of your life!

As another poster has said I think you need a have a bit more intimacy on your terms and your DH should make time for that. Then I suspect you may find you are more up for other types of sexually intimacy too! At least that's what should be in the sale brochure to DH! This problem is best tackled by both of you working together and trying different things.

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