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Original poster

Day out with ex and our child

52 replies

Crowndale · 07/08/2018 14:41

Hi,

I have been spilt up with my wife for 18 months, I am now in a new relationship which is just over 6 months and has become serious.

My ex-wife wants to go on a family day out for our 4 year old child's birthday, just the three of us. My new partner thinks this is unusual and would prefer if I didn't. She also has children and would never consider going out as a family with her ex. I know we are all different.

I believe my ex-wife still has strong feelings for me and wants me back home.

Whilst I would love to spend the day with our child, I am scared this will give my ex-wife false hope and also maybe confuse our child.

It's also going to upset my new partner if I do go as she is aware my ex-wife still wants me back.

I have suggested to my ex-wife of having our child a half day each, but she says they wouldn't be able to do much in half a day.

So I also suggested alternate each year, but she said that wouldn't be fair on the parent who doesn't have child.

Just seeking some advice, would this be considered unusual?

Kind regards

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 14:43

What does your child want?

Original poster
Crowndale · 07/08/2018 14:44

Child would love to go out with the three of us

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 14:45

There’s your answer. It’s not about what the adults in the situation want, so if that’s what your child wants why not do it? Even if it’s just once?

SuperSuperSuper · 07/08/2018 14:46

Given that your ex wife seems to have failed to move on, I'd say avoid doing this. For her sake.

If she didn't want you back I'd think it was a nice idea, and very mature (assuming the DC was 100% clear that mum and dad are just friends).

i can see why your DP is concerned.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2018 14:46

Well, that's what you do then. Sorry but your new partner needs to accept that everyone's family dynamic is different and you need to focus on what's best for YOUR CHILD.

Reassure her that you won't encourage ex in any way? And you need to be prepared to tell your ex that too.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 14:47

Reassure her that you won't encourage ex in any way? And you need to be prepared to tell your ex that too

Definitely.

KickingTheKerb · 07/08/2018 14:47

There is a school of thought that suggests it's confusing for a child when their parents spend high days and holidays together after they separate. The child is adjusting to separation, then to parents spending time together, then to separation etc.

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 07/08/2018 14:49

My daughters Dad and I split when she was 6 months old. We get on ok and I have made every effort to ensure that for birthdays/Christmas/school events etc the three of us do things together. They are only this small once and I do really think at this age it’s about doing what they want and them seeing that you are willing to put them at the centre of the thought process. They won’t want to do this forever and the memories you make will be invaluable to you all.
As an aside me ex missed seeing my daughter two Christmas days in a row as his then girlfriend wasn’t happy about him seeing her/me because she was insecure about the fact we still get on. She is now his ex and I know he deeply regrets making those decisions.

GreenTulips · 07/08/2018 14:54

I see nothing wrong with this at all, I assume you will attend parents evening together (rather than selfishly expect two separate appointments) then there's Christmas plays and end of year assemblies and prize giving as well as sports days!

You do need to parent together sometimes and one day for your daughters sake won't harm -

RoboJesus · 07/08/2018 14:57

I know plenty of co-parents who have done something with just them and the child for their birthday. If that's what your kid wants then nothing else matters. Especially not your new partners insecurities

fannycraddock72 · 07/08/2018 15:33

I think the fact that your ex still has feelings for you is quite important here. I’ve done birthdays with my ex for the kids sake when they were younger but we had clearly both moved on.

A full day out, just the 3 of you is different to spending a couple of hours at a kids party or 30 mins at a parents evening. Especially if you ex has feelings for you, me personally I wouldn’t want to do that.

These days me and the ex tend to alternate quite a lot of the events and occasions people have mentioned..Xmas, birthdays, parents evening etc. If it’s parents evening I will speak to my ex to tell them how it went and how our kids are doing. Everyone, including the kids are happy with this.

knicksfan · 07/08/2018 15:33

I would usually say each to their own and that it sounds lovely but it doesn't sound so healthy in the circumstances and if you are aware she wants you back I wouldn't. It likely would confuse your child.

The reality of it is that things are different now and you will have to get used to splitting special occasions. If she is complaining they can't do much in half a day why not alternate or leave her with Mum on her birthday and have her come to you the next day each year for special plans with you?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 15:45

There is a school of thought that suggests it's confusing for a child when their parents spend high days and holidays together after they separate. The child is adjusting to separation, then to parents spending time together, then to separation etc.

I think it'#s far more confusing to take an enmeshed family and separate them entirely so the child had effectively lost their family and taken on two separate ones through no fault of their own.

I wouldn't let a person I had been seeing for 6 months dictate how I spent my child's birthday. Be clear (and kind) with ex that you see it as merely a day out for dd, but do go.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 15:45

Why should the child miss out on seeing both parents?

BitchQueen90 · 07/08/2018 15:46

I'm divorced and I actually think it's not great to do things together with the children. It could give them false hope of a reconciliation etc. I get on very well with my ex husband but we have never done days out together with DS, I think it's important that he sees us getting along well but he also has to realise that we live separate lives now.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2018 15:49

The most adjusted friends of my DC whose parents have split up are those that manage amicably to host parties together

You need to make it clear to both your ex and current partner that this is for your child in order for them to have a good day out

Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 15:52

You're thinking about this year but you have many years of this to come. If you have a day together now will that always be the plan?

You need to come up with a solution that is going to work in the long term. What's happening at Christmas? All of this needs to be agreed so you each know where you stand.

I wouldn't have a day out for the 3 of you given the circumstances. You don't have to alternate the full day. You could alternate having the majority of the day, making sure there's time to see the other parent. Then the other parent has the day before or after.

MeMeMeOverHere · 07/08/2018 15:54

My bf does this and I have no problem with it. I think it's nice, at first I was anxious but I trust him so I know it's for the benefit of the kids. It's important they have both parents involved especially for birthdays.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 07/08/2018 15:58

My parents used to do this. It was incredibly confusing and gave me a lot of false hope that they would reconcile.

AliceRR · 07/08/2018 15:58

I think it’s inappropriate. I’m sure child would love mummy and daddy to be together but they’re not.

Sounds like your ex will cause problems if she can and I think it’s confusing for the child.

Your current partner says she wouldn’t do this. What would you say if she was proposing to do this with her ex?

flyingsaucersherbet · 07/08/2018 15:58

My ex left when I was pregnant so had never known us together as a couple, but we occasionally have days out just the 3 of us. He likes us all together, and whilst we might not be a couple, we are still family (albeit not conventionally!) my parter occasionally joins us, his new gf has come for dinner with us all. It’s just about showing Ds that we all love him and are on his team.

It’s not always been easy, we have had to struggle at time’s to contain our feelings, but I genuinely think it’s in Ds best interests so we have sucked it up - and now it’s kinda nice us all occasionally just hanging out.

In the same way, my partners ex wife and him also parent in the same way (they only recently separated a few years ago) and his kids know that me and their mummy are friends and they see us chatting at school or when we drop off.

eyycarumba · 07/08/2018 16:02

Me and my ex have a terrible relationship 6 out of 7 days, but for DS's birthday we do make the effort to have a civil meal together, just us three. DS knows we're not together, he has a stepdad and we both feel it's important to see us getting along whilst he's young.

The thing that would worry me is your ex still having feelings for you. Can you not just do a meal or something shorter together rather than the whole day? We used to do xmas together to but it's proved to be unsuccessful and I won't be doing it again, he still has feelings for me and pushes his luck being around most of the day.

Original poster
Crowndale · 07/08/2018 16:03

Thank you all for your responses, I can see that this issue has clearly divided opinions.

To add my new partner is not telling me what to do, she would be upset but knows how important seeing my child is to me and would never get in the way of that

I would also see my child in the morning to open presents and have him in the evening to stay with me

OP posts:
SD1978 · 07/08/2018 16:03

Have your done any days for it like this before? If so, I'd say go. If not, I'd be more unsure about going- I am happy to have dinner together on the DC birthday- doesn't bother me. Others are happy to all go out together. Others do seperate. If this hasn't happened before, exW needs to accept either the half day each or day each alterna e years.

ScrubTheDecks · 07/08/2018 16:06

I know families that continue to be joint parents after divorce or separation, even going on a holiday. It had caused no confusion for the kids whatsoever.

I don’t think it’s ‘inappropriate ‘, I would never stop a partner seeing a child for a birthday in tne company of his/ her mother.

Your ex and her lingering feelings are her problem, your current DP has no business trying to stop it, IMO. Them’s the rules when you start a relationship with a man or woman with a child.

You are your Dd’s Daddy, your ex is her Mummy. She is well able to understand that Mummy and Daddy are her two parents who want to celebrate her birthday whilst understanding that Mummy and Daddy live in different houses with different people.

Too often it is all about the adults nd their jealousies / weaknesses.