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Original poster

Day out with ex and our child

52 replies

Crowndale · 07/08/2018 14:41

Hi,

I have been spilt up with my wife for 18 months, I am now in a new relationship which is just over 6 months and has become serious.

My ex-wife wants to go on a family day out for our 4 year old child's birthday, just the three of us. My new partner thinks this is unusual and would prefer if I didn't. She also has children and would never consider going out as a family with her ex. I know we are all different.

I believe my ex-wife still has strong feelings for me and wants me back home.

Whilst I would love to spend the day with our child, I am scared this will give my ex-wife false hope and also maybe confuse our child.

It's also going to upset my new partner if I do go as she is aware my ex-wife still wants me back.

I have suggested to my ex-wife of having our child a half day each, but she says they wouldn't be able to do much in half a day.

So I also suggested alternate each year, but she said that wouldn't be fair on the parent who doesn't have child.

Just seeking some advice, would this be considered unusual?

Kind regards

OP posts:

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 16:16

I would compromise with something much shorter. It does not need to be all day. A birthday tea sounds about right with a cake.

It is worth bearing in mind your child is only four, so you have more than a decade of birthdays to consider. I am guessing he will have larger parties once he goes to school, carol concerts and sports day. So you will be unable to avoid your ex wife for many things in the future.

My most happiest friends have found a way to do special occasions together and if you are looking for a long term civil friendship with your ex wife then making an effort now would be a good thing for everyone.

She may always have feelings for you, but that is largely irrelevant as long as you have been totally honest with her, and you are not giving mixed messages.

You have only been with your current partner for 6 months, hardly serious and you should be making the decisions based on what is right for your child.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2018 16:19

So your other solution has you getting more than your ex? In that you are opening presents with him

I think you either do the day out or just have her from the evening

AliceRR · 07/08/2018 16:21

@ScrubtheDecks Hate to be controversial but it bugs me when the new partners are always said to be the ones having a “weakness”. Perhaps the parents’ weaknesses are the reason they are in this situation on the first place!

People often say that new partners should know what they are getting into when seeing someone who has kids from a previous relationship. But do people ever consider that the parents have to accept what they have got themselves into by having children with someone they were unable to maintain a relationship with! Their children don’t get a happy family with mummy and daddy together often because they didn’t think ahead before having children in the first place!

HeckyPeck · 07/08/2018 16:44

My parents used to do this. It was incredibly confusing and gave me a lot of false hope that they would reconcile.

This was my experience as well so I wouldn't recommend it for the sake of the child.

TastelesslyDone · 07/08/2018 17:00

My parents split way before I remember, and I used to love having two birthdays, Christmasses, Easters, holidays, etc. And they were perfectly amicable, still are, but it would have been weird (for me) if they’d done a joint thing.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 17:06

I think it’s inappropriate. I’m sure child would love mummy and daddy to be together but they’re not

It has nothing to do with the relationship status of the adults. It's about the unique relationship that only they have with the child.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 17:07

Their children don’t get a happy family with mummy and daddy together often because they didn’t think ahead before having children in the first place!

"they didn't think ahead" what does that even mean? No one should have children because they may one day divorce?

thenorthernsinner · 07/08/2018 17:09

I think you should go round for presents in the morning let your ex take the little one out for the day then at tea time you pick the little one up and have them for the evening. Me and my ex split when my son was 1 and we've never done days out together since, to confusing for the little one.

You aren't a family no more.

sadrobot · 07/08/2018 17:10

Me and my DC's dad often spend days all together and my DC loves it. It's not confusing at all and I think it's incredibly important to show that just because we aren't together we still love our Dc very much, and are mature enough to spend time together because we both make our dc happy.

ScrubTheDecks · 07/08/2018 17:16

AliceRR there is no doubt at all that if a marriage / relationship has failed there has been some sort of weakness. But that doesn’t have to mean that parenting has to be DH e seperately. And I do think that while a new partner shouldn’t be expected to support any lingering relationship loose ends with an ec, they do have to leave their Dp to get in with parenting, including if it is their choice, events that involve both parents.

Yankeescot · 07/08/2018 17:23

I'm in the confusing for the child camp as well, especially as the child is only 4. If child was older then fair dues, but the wee un is just coming out of toddlerdom.

Also, the ex still having feelings for you is the differing dynamic here. Sounds as if she wants to play happy families on the day and try to win you back around. My DD's Father and I were very amicable with neither side having feelings and we did a zoo day when she was about 4 or 5 and she thought Daddy was coming back home to live. She had to suffer hurt all over again when we had to tell her that wasn't the case. We never went for another full day out again, but drop offs on Xmas etc were all very amicable to pop in and say hello to the other family. And then leave after about 15 minutes of pleasantries. That was the much healthier choice for my DD.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

AliceRR · 07/08/2018 17:27

@scrubthedecks I don’t think you should disregard your current partner’s feelings any time children are involved and I don’t think it’s beneficial for the child either. This is dreamed up by the ex for the ex. But that’s my opinion.

swingofthings · 07/08/2018 17:38

I'm in the it's great for the kids' clan. I loved it when I spent a day with both my parents. I never imagined them getting back together or ever really wished it. I just saw these days as being able to share special moments to me with the two people I loved most.

I think your girlfriend is being quite possessive considering you've only been together 6 months. If my OH has put me under pressure by saying he would be upset if I got together with my ex for the sake of the kids, it would have raised warning bells.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 17:51

@AliceRR

Their children don’t get a happy family with mummy and daddy together often because they didn’t think ahead before having children in the first place!

Do you have your own personal definition of the word OFTEN?

It's not often. It's a birthday. Occurs once a year.

Even if Christmas is thrown in. It's still not often...it's occasional.

thethoughtfox · 07/08/2018 17:56

One of my niece's most treasured memories is of her separated mother and father taking her for a day out for her b'day FWIT

AliceRR · 07/08/2018 18:02

@SandyY2K I think you misunderstood my post but well done for being so aggressive about it!

Anon90 · 07/08/2018 18:05

I sympathise with your new partner. My BF has had a couple of days out with his kids and ex. Roughly same time scale as you.

I find it annoying because i know his ex well enough to know shed only be inviting him out if it benefits her, or because shes got no one else to take along because her "new boyfriend" and father of her unborn is actually a married man. When you know theres an ulterior motive, no matter what, its natural that it would have a negative emotional effect.

But i dont raise complaint because it makes the kids happy. Ive spent enough time listening to those kids about how unhappy they were when she was making it impossible for him to see them. I would never want to deny them a single second of his time just because i think their mother is a twat.

safetyfreak · 07/08/2018 18:09

The problem here is the ex wife still has feelings for the OP, I think he is right it may give false hope to the child mother. It sounds like you have a good plan, your see your child in the morning for presents and in the evening....leave it at that.

Lemonyknickers · 07/08/2018 18:10

My DH parents divorced when he was 4, they did multiple family days, Christmas, holidays etc. Then when FIL got a grilfriend she joined it. In fact up to FIL death last year they still did this. (DH now 45). Im sure it had its tense moments but DH says he never felt torn or moved around, however there was no getting back together on the cards and I think that would make a difference. As others have said centre what the child wants and try and make itwork

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 18:21

If the parents are civil enough, the attitude of Their children don’t get a happy family with mummy and daddy together is clearly not placing the child first.

It's like saying tough s**t... to the child. Your parents spilt up so deal with it.

SemperIdem · 07/08/2018 18:35

I think it is a really nice idea and something I would like to do with my ex and child at some point.

I fundamentally disagree that we’re “not a family no more”. We created a child together, we will always be family.

It is the sort of thing that both parties must be comfortable doing though or it won’t work.

If my new partner kicked off about it then I would re-evaluate my relationship with him.

GreenTulips · 07/08/2018 18:38

The problem here is the ex wife still has feelings for the OP

Nope - he just thinks she does

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 07/08/2018 18:44

I have to be honest I’m struggling to make the leap from a nice birthday day out to ‘it’s confusing and the kids will think you’re getting back together’. Surely it’s down to the parents to manage that message? We’ve done multiple things and not once has my daughter said/thought that me and her dad are getting back together.

Anon90 · 07/08/2018 18:53

The problem here is the ex wife still has feelings for the OP, I think he is right it may give false hope to the child mother

As long as OP makes it clear to his ex that there are boundaries, that this is in no way a sign that he may want any kind of relationship with her beyond parenting their child etc and conducts himself appropriately then id say his conscience can be clear over that one.

OP can i ask how you know for sure ex wife has feelings for you? Has she made this clear? Is she manipulative in general to get what she wants? Because if she is doing this to get time with you for herself that is very manipulative. I dont think most people would be that manipulative.

Even if i ever did have those feelings for my ex again i would not lower myself to crowbarring him away from his new partner in order to snatch a few hours of his time and paint it as co parenting.

It could also be that her wanting to co parent more is a sign that shes actually moved on and has adjusted to just being a parent with him and not a couple. I know that took me a long time to get past with my daughters dad and it was incredibly emotionally painful for me.

I could easily go out with him and not harbour any feelings towards him at all now. I just cant see him as a romantic interest anymore. I dont even care about all the emotional shit he did to me because theres zero chance hed ever be able to do it again and he has nothing else really.

user1490465531 · 07/08/2018 19:25

posters are missing the point his ex wants him back she may have a hidden agenda in all this

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