Pissed off.

[Neededastealthname]

I'm sat downstairs with my 3 year old who has been a nightmare recently, I slept in this morning while my partner got up with him and as soon as I got up he sods off upstairs to play a game, I presume he feels he needs a break after a few hours with our DS who is going through a growth spurt which always makes him very moody and the heat isn't helping.

I've had a horrible few weeks, my DS has had me in tears numerous times (not his fault he's just having a tricky phase) but my mental health has also decided to take this particular period to nose dive I have told my partner my mental health isn't great right now and told him this morning I didn't sleep great because I kept waking up feeling as though I was having a panic attack, less than five minutes later he's buggered off upstairs!

I am sick of him feeling he needs a break and getting grumpy after dealing with our at the moment very grumpy toddler when I do it whilst feeling like I can't fucking breathe for the anxiety and depression but still just get on with it, I even manage to adapt my parenting (eventually) for our toddlers current mood and just get on with day to day with him.

I have told my partner just how bad my mental health is right now and even though he makes all the right noises at the time he doesn't appear to change anything in order to cut me some slack or accommodate for the fact that I am on my bloody knees right now.

I have a habit into throwing myself into caring for others when I'm not doing great and maybe this is why he seemingly ignores what I am telling him, because my behaviour isn't matching up.

I can feel a panic attack building, maybe this time instead of quietly riding it out I should let it be known in all it's bloody glory

I understand there may be more to it, but it sounds like he's been looking after his son while you slept and now you're up he's having a break. That sounds fair to me?

It sounds like he’s not listening to you OP, and that you need more support from him.

Faeriequeen, yes that is fair normally but am I asking too much that he just put in a little more effort or consideration, I do the same for him if he is stressed or tired or sometimes just because, I never ask for time to myself or allowances be made for my mental health which is why it bothers me so much that when I am struggling this badly he can't just try a little harder, I feel like I'm drowning and he hasn't even noticed.

I just told him I had a panic attack upstairs, granted I did it in a passing comment type way but he mumbled a response and that was the end of that.

The difficulty is when you're both struggling - as it sounds like your child is going through a hard stage at the moment - when it would be reasonable for him to take a break after he's done the early shift. Rather than taking it out on your partner, let hm have a break then maybe suggest doing something altogether as a family?

Maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to do any extra at all, it's just mental illness after all it's not like I'm physically ill and he does go to work while I'm just sat at home, and I had a few hours extra in bed when all I did was spend the past few weeks up half the night with an overheated toddler.

Silly me, I forgot men deserve more and mental illness doesn't actually count as being ill.

But don't worry the next time my partner is a bit grumpy from being tired and I'm exhausted from panic attacks and being up half the night with a cranky toddler and researching ways to be a better parent because the guilt that comes with depression has me in knots, I'll give my head a wobble and remind myself how selfish I'm being.

Oh and FYI my partner has no idea I feel this way, I am taking nothing out on him.

What would be his response if you went out for the day and just left him to it?

How he needs a break when it sounds like he does the bare minimum is beyond me, it’s different for you as you’re at home with the wee one all the time, but a couple of hours and he’s off for a break? Especially after you’ve told him you’re struggling?

He sounds like a prick.

Go out. Tell partner he's going to have to stop playing his game whilst you go get some air xxx

It's all normally quite fair and 50/50, we don't go out separately because we enjoy doing family things, but he does this weird thing when I am struggling of copying my behaviour? If I get stressed so does he and I end up stepping up and pushing my stuff aside so it doesn't descend into us all just being miserable.

What is that? What is he doing? I say I am struggling and all of a sudden he is too? He has no mental health issues BTW.

If I am completely honest I try to just get on even though I am struggling because I worry if I admit how bad I am he will 'get stressed' and I'll have to back down. The problem right now is that I am really struggling and I'm worried I can't just get on with it but I also worry about his reaction if I admit how bad it is.

It sounds like you need a bit of extra support. Have you considered the charity Home Start? They provide trained volunteers to support families with pre-school age children. I volunteered for them for 7 years and I'm still in touch with some of the families. Each family I supported was unique - some required emotional support, others physical support, and some a combination of the two. One family the mother was a teacher suffering with ME, I used to entertain her little lad or get him helping me with the housework while mum had a sleep. Yours sounds like exactly the family situation Home Start was set up for. Some people are embarrassed to admit they are struggling, but please use the help that's available - it could make all the difference.

Had a conversation and finally dragged out of him what I had already guessed was wrong, I was stealing his thunder 🙄 he has had more responsibility at work recently and it's been overshadowed by my mental health, he was completely denying that he was angry with me because that of course doesn't paint him in a very good light.

I honestly don't know sometimes if he is emotionally completely dense or can actually be a bit of an arse.

Fishing, thank you but we are really fine, even when my mental health is at it's worst I can still carry on unlike a lot of people who have it so horribly they can't function, my son is just being a typical (granted very stubborn) 3 year old who's having a growth spurt in a heatwave and my partner grew up around people lacking any empathy at all, truly selfish people and needs a nudge away from that sort of behaviour sometimes.

I think (puts on generalising hat) that we don't realise that most men are quite emotionally dense, and see things so much more simply than us women - I have circumnavigated so many shouty arguments by just saying, "I feel really sad, can I have a hug". Saves me overthinking, him wondering why I'm grumpy, and just general misery all round.

Sunflower, I would tend do generalise like that too even though I know I shouldn't. I have told him to look up what it's like to live with anxiety and depression everyday to remind himself because he has a tendency to forget and I am trying to get on with things I don't want to have to remind him all the time and in the process be reminding myself how much it sucks.

He's told you he has more responsibility at work. Sounds like he is stressed and is perhaps struggling to cope with your anxiety as well. Are you offering him any support? It goes both ways.

He probably doesn't understand why you are struggling to cope. You are a SAHM of a toddler who is going through a tantrummy time, no different to what most mums go through and so doesn't understand why it is leading to you suffering panic attacks. He is probably tired with his job and desperate for a break too.

Are you getting support for your anxiety? The earlier you can get help to learn coping mechanisms, the easier it will be to apply them.

He has had one stressful work day that I supported him with. He just wanted more recognition that he was stepping up at work and has said as much. He doesn't 'cope' with my anxiety, I do. I have already said that I never ask allowances be made for it or time to myself.

Wow, very insulting to insinuate that I am having panic attacks because my toddler is having tantrums.

So far I have been accused of not supporting my partner, not being able to cope and having panic attacks because my toddler is tantruming. I should of just spoken to my penis worshipping/woman hating mother

You say you aren't asking for allowances to be made in one post, but then in another you say "when I am struggling this badly he can't just try a little harder".
I know you're having a hard time but you're being a bit aggressive here - we are all only trying to help.

Petit, the thing is I don't ask for allowances, I am not even asking for them now, I only ask that he puts in the same amount of effort with parenting that I do, he has openly admitted that work is less stressful than being at home entertaining a toddler all day, he even jokes about going to work to 'have a break' and it's not as if he is ever left to look after him by himself!

As for being aggressive, I get my back up when people jump to the defence of a man because he works when most men would choose it over being a stay at home parent. Too many stay at home Mum's are seen as 'less than' compared to their working husbands.

I didn't know you were a SAHP when I replied to you. I am too.
Nor did I know your partner works OOTH. But I stand by the point that if one of us does the early wake up, the one who has had the lie in then takes over for a bit.
There's really no need to bite everyone's heads off.

You come across as very defensive and angry at the moment and from your posts you're seeing it only from your perspective.

Living with a partner with MH isn't always easy. You don't think you take it out on him...but silence, body language and tone speak volumes.

Faerie, there is every need when you stand by the point when I have explained I was up with him half the night most nights for weeks, there is every need when I have explained that I put in more effort than him when I have more on my shoulders.

Do you know why he wanted to go upstairs for 'a break'? Because he had been watching videos about a game on his phone while he was up with our son and wanted to try out something he had seen in these videos on his game, it wasn't because he actually needed a break.

Sandy, you have no idea how wrong that is, my partner doesn't even know when I am struggling until I tell him and when I do tell him it's normally something along the lines of "ugh the anxiety is being such a bitch". He is often surprised when/if I tell him how I have actually been and not just how I'm acting.

Mental health aside, he has admitted work is easier than a cranky toddler but I am still expected to pick up the slack with parenting because he works?

I’m suffering extremely bad with anxiety and my panic attacks which I thought were all but a distant memory. Baby 8 weeks and very colicy. I’m up all night and day with screaming and my prtner is out of the house 15 hours a day. Luckily I have my Mum around the corner otherwise I seriously wouldn’t cope. I assume you have no additional support? I’m so sorry you are going through it. I really hope it gets better for you too

I know how you feel OP. I'm still feeling the effects of PND and have a 7 month old and a 20 month old to contend with.
My OH also 'forgets' that I'm struggling unless I constantly remind him the state of my mental health. It's difficult when all you want is some support, but you're made to feel like a villain in the process.

Do you have any family members that could help out at the weekends perhaps? Even if it's just to take your son off your hands for an hour or two so that both you and your husband can have a little break?