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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off.

61 replies

Neededastealthname · 07/08/2018 11:14

I'm sat downstairs with my 3 year old who has been a nightmare recently, I slept in this morning while my partner got up with him and as soon as I got up he sods off upstairs to play a game, I presume he feels he needs a break after a few hours with our DS who is going through a growth spurt which always makes him very moody and the heat isn't helping.

I've had a horrible few weeks, my DS has had me in tears numerous times (not his fault he's just having a tricky phase) but my mental health has also decided to take this particular period to nose dive Hmm I have told my partner my mental health isn't great right now and told him this morning I didn't sleep great because I kept waking up feeling as though I was having a panic attack, less than five minutes later he's buggered off upstairs!

I am sick of him feeling he needs a break and getting grumpy after dealing with our at the moment very grumpy toddler when I do it whilst feeling like I can't fucking breathe for the anxiety and depression but still just get on with it, I even manage to adapt my parenting (eventually) for our toddlers current mood and just get on with day to day with him.

I have told my partner just how bad my mental health is right now and even though he makes all the right noises at the time he doesn't appear to change anything in order to cut me some slack or accommodate for the fact that I am on my bloody knees right now.

I have a habit into throwing myself into caring for others when I'm not doing great and maybe this is why he seemingly ignores what I am telling him, because my behaviour isn't matching up.

I can feel a panic attack building, maybe this time instead of quietly riding it out I should let it be known in all it's bloody glory Hmm

OP posts:
LeroyJenkins · 07/08/2018 21:03

I just told him I had a panic attack upstairs

i'm going to tell you how i feel about panic attacks (which i know will annoy a LOT of people) - I think you're just over reacting, and feeling a bit stressed, and hyperventilating is not a panic attack, its an attention seeking tool

HOWEVER (please read this before you all jump down my throat!!) I know with my more logical head, that they are real and I need to be more understanding, and then i get cross with myself because i'm not being understanding - and thats my problem not yours. I'm only saying this as this might be how he feels?

I'm sorry if this sounds like i am a bitch, but i try not to be

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 21:04

Oh and FYI my partner has no idea I feel this way

That might be the issue.

Bekabeech · 07/08/2018 21:10

You really could do with considering asked by Home Start for help. If just to get be you a breather so you could: have a coffee or tea by yourself, tidy the kitchen, veg on Mumsnet or whatever, they give you strength to go on.
The volunteers are not professionals, but people who are experienced patents and know how difficult it can be. (And they have the huge advantage of being able to go home and get a good nights sleep.

Are you getting help for your mental health?

Original poster
Neededastealthname · 07/08/2018 21:10

RLOU, sorry you are having such a rubbish time. I found around the eight week mark to be a turning point with my son so I hope it's the same for you.

My main issue right now is with my partner 'checking out' of family life when it's less than advert worthy, so I don't need any additional support, my toddler will go back to being lovely and I will get a grip on the anxiety.

I recently had the epiphany that my anxiety will never go away for good but I also know it won't always be this bad, I know it's strange but take the fact that you thought it was a distant memory as a good thing because it shows just how much better you have been and can be again.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 21:21

If it is in any way possible for you to go back to work, even part time, I think you should.

Original poster
Neededastealthname · 07/08/2018 23:46

Trying and Beka, I'm honestly OK without extra support, my issue was that I wasn't getting support from my partner, or rather just that he wasn't pulling his weight, extra help would just encourage that.

Ayn, I am going back to work this year but it's not commutable by public transport so I am having to get my driving licence first.

Leroy, I won't lie that is quite annoying! I have hidden many many panic attacks over the years and I don't like people being near me or touching me when I have one, I find it quite embarrassing and my partner knows to leave me to it then just carry on with our day so not an attention seeking tool. And yes panic attacks are hyperventilating and they are because you are stressed and they can be bloody terrifying, when I was a teenager and didn't know what was happening was 'just' panic attacks I genuinely thought I was dying, it was horrible and there was no one around for me to be trying to gain attention from. My partner knows I'm not the attention seeking and that if I mention my mental health it's because I need to talk something out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neededastealthname · 07/08/2018 23:50

Leroy, sorry I should of added that I am not actually annoyed by your comment and understand what you were trying to highlight.

OP posts:
LeroyJenkins · 08/08/2018 06:54

@Neededastealthname

Thank you for taking my comment how I meant it I was really in 2 minds about whether to post and if it would be helpful

Butterymuffin · 08/08/2018 07:04

Practicalities. Is there anyone else who can have your 3yo so you get a break? Can you pay for some childcare for right now, even if by cutting back on other things?

RLOU88 · 08/08/2018 07:12

@ Leroy

Why don’t you do some research into panic attacks and their true range of symptoms etc. This might stop you feeling the way you do about sufferers of this awful sidekick to mental health. I myself have a panic disorder. I suffered panic attacks daily (mainly in the evening when my body was at rest, but also at work) these attacks could last hours and took over my life completely. I don’t hyperventilate but my heart beats so fast my chest always had a perminate ache. Nausea and dizziness along with a fear of impending dread (and I mean truly beleiving you are dying) also play a major part for many which then means the fight-or-flight response is inappropriately triggered and you go round and round in circles.

Please try not to judge panic attack sufferers, we are probably judging ourself at the time for how stupid we are being believing we are dying again!

GeorgeIII · 08/08/2018 07:12

I think you are assuming that your DH's brain works like yours and if you are stressed and upset he will sense it, and that when he realises you are stressed and upset he will do all he can to help you recover.

But your assumptions are wrong. So he doesn't see you are stressed (this could be deliberate but it could also be that he lacks empathy and awareness which if he is like my DH would be the case) and is oblivious to others' emotions,

I would stop pussyfooting about your anxiety and explain how you feel. However if you say how you feel he probably won't rush to help. You also need to explain what would make you better. and be clear. No 'I need some help' more 'please can you take DS for a walk to the park for an hour while I do...whatever'.
Perhaps stop family time and just one or other of you take DS out. I would take him out all the time park/ football in garden/ sandpit whatever,as imv that is easier than being stuck indoors.
Get a good book to read. and When DH takes DS out sit and read and relax, just as DH sits gaming.
Also do some 'fussing' over DH as he probably wants to be mothered so there is less chance of competitive hard-done-by-ness when you explain how you are.
I can see the lack of support he gives you but I think you could probably arrange things more to suit you by speaking up.

LeroyJenkins · 08/08/2018 07:20

@RLOU88

Thanks for missing the point of my post

RLOU88 · 08/08/2018 07:22

Also do some 'fussing' over DH as he probably wants to be mothered so there is less chance of competitive hard-done-by-ness when you explain how you are

Why on earth does OP need to fuss over her DH and “mother him” when she is exhausted mentally as it is? Just for him to be more reasonable and open to suggestion? Each to their own but I would not be doing this.

RLOU88 · 08/08/2018 07:23

LeroyJenkins

I honestly didn’t see the point of your post. Apologies.

GeorgeIII · 08/08/2018 07:35

Why on earth does OP need to fuss over her DH and “mother him” when she is exhausted mentally as it is? Just for him to be more reasonable and open to suggestion? Each to their own but I would not be doing this

So that he is more reasonable and open to suggestion. It sounds like they have competitive anxiety and exhaustion (whether is is deserved is open to debate) but the OP is at where she is at.

Original poster
Neededastealthname · 08/08/2018 09:03

George, I will not be making a fuss of him, he has openly admitted that he stonewalled me these past few weeks when I tried to talk through the different ways I wanted to approach our toddlers behaviour and my mental health because I didn't give him enough attention about work, so you're right it is because I didn't make a fuss that he has behaved like this but he doesn't get to check out of family life because I was too busy struggling with my own stuff for a while to give him attention, he's a MAN not a bloody child!

OP posts:
Petitprince · 08/08/2018 09:13

It sounds like you could both really benefit from talking to someone about the way you communicate. Would couples' counselling be an option?

Original poster
Neededastealthname · 08/08/2018 09:39

He has already said he has been ignoring me because I didn't give him more recognition about stepping up at work, he thought he would get more props, he thought he would get more props from people at work too and has taken it out on me, there is no miscommunication just him being an arse.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 08/08/2018 10:16

The answer is obvious here ...welcome him home in your cheerleading outfit,waving pom poms around in a magnificent happy dance, followed by a steak,cake and a bj.

Or just tell him to grow the fuck up and if he craves recognition that much he can buy himself a pack of stickers.

Bekabeech · 08/08/2018 11:37

Okay he is acting like a child - because you aren't making more of a fuss over his promotion.

But also you are digging your heels in because it has to be him stepping up to look after your child more because of your mental health issues. Yes he should but you can't force him to.
Which means you have the choice of getting more help somewhere else or being a martyr.
If you get more help you can decide if this relationship is doing anything for you.

And I'd recommend trying to get back to work, to regain control.

SarahJop22 · 08/08/2018 11:59

I have ongoing anxiety issues and panic attacks. I know how hard it is.

I think that it's sometimes difficult for people who don't know the extent of its impact on everyday life to fully understand.

My partner 'makes the right noises' too and I know he tries to understand but I don''t think you really can if you haven't been there. It's so difficult to keep it in your own head so I know exactly what you mean about showing it in it's full glory. Sometimes I feel like screaming just to get it out how bad I feel.

Could you get out of the house rather than trying to have 'down time' at home? I find that getting out and being 'me' for a while helps. If you're at home then you're always on call and (if you're like me) feel guilty for having the breathing space you need.

Original poster
Neededastealthname · 08/08/2018 20:18

Bekabeech, of course it has to be him to step up and look after HIS child Hmm and I am not asking him to do MORE than me just an EQUAL amount, I'm just asking that he not shut me out because I was distracted when he wanted attention.

The amount of advice I'm getting to put up this sort of shit and try harder to be a better partner/Mum/woman is scary.

OP posts:
Petitprince · 08/08/2018 20:38

It doesn't matter who the man is and who the woman is in this situation.
Perhaps the reason you're getting these responses is that your original post talks about a situation where you get a lie in while your partner looks after your (shared) child, then when you get up he goes and plays a game (and gets some downtime) while you take over. You say you resent this because he should be more sensitive to your mental health issues.
You then dripfeed and say that he's been off with you because you haven't been as supportive of his promotion as he'd like.
We suggest lots of things to maybe get you working as a team again and not just chucking blame at each other, and you bite everyone's heads off and accuse us all of being sexist.
If you want your relationship to work it's about being a team, not fighting a battle, and I say that as kindly as I can.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/08/2018 20:40

This is one of the very many cases where I think you should be talking to him, not us.

Even if we all agree with every word you're saying, what can we do about it?

Bekabeech · 08/08/2018 22:48

You can't make another adult do anything. And you can't make your partner do an equal or fair amount. They should want to, but you can't make them.

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