Pissed off.

[Neededastealthname]

I'm sat downstairs with my 3 year old who has been a nightmare recently, I slept in this morning while my partner got up with him and as soon as I got up he sods off upstairs to play a game, I presume he feels he needs a break after a few hours with our DS who is going through a growth spurt which always makes him very moody and the heat isn't helping.

I've had a horrible few weeks, my DS has had me in tears numerous times (not his fault he's just having a tricky phase) but my mental health has also decided to take this particular period to nose dive I have told my partner my mental health isn't great right now and told him this morning I didn't sleep great because I kept waking up feeling as though I was having a panic attack, less than five minutes later he's buggered off upstairs!

I am sick of him feeling he needs a break and getting grumpy after dealing with our at the moment very grumpy toddler when I do it whilst feeling like I can't fucking breathe for the anxiety and depression but still just get on with it, I even manage to adapt my parenting (eventually) for our toddlers current mood and just get on with day to day with him.

I have told my partner just how bad my mental health is right now and even though he makes all the right noises at the time he doesn't appear to change anything in order to cut me some slack or accommodate for the fact that I am on my bloody knees right now.

I have a habit into throwing myself into caring for others when I'm not doing great and maybe this is why he seemingly ignores what I am telling him, because my behaviour isn't matching up.

I can feel a panic attack building, maybe this time instead of quietly riding it out I should let it be known in all it's bloody glory

Petit, I also explained (granted in a later post) that I had been up half the night most nights for the past few weeks, I would of thought that's the reason I had the lay in?

The comments to 'make a fuss of him' are absurd, of course that annoys me.
I am being told to seek couples counselling (he won't do that) and I am being told to communicate with him AFTER I have explained that he has openly admitted to me that he has been ignoring me and checked out of family life. Communicating with him isn't an easy bloody task because that's how he likes it, I can't ask anything of him that way.

I think what annoyed me so much about the responses were that I explained even in the original thread that I wasn't doing great with my mental health and still people had the opinion that things should still be completely 50/50 and I was seemingly completely unreasonable to ask for one lay in. Why? When we were ill with food poisoning I could see that he was fairing worse than me so I let him stay in bed while I looked after our son and I did it without expecting him to 'give me a break' when he got out of bed. Why should it be different because my illness is mental?

You do sound very bitter, and I can understand the frustration but you need to communicate what you need better...he isn't a mind-reader. My mental health is poor at the minute, I have a CPN visit weekly, weekly psychologist appointments and quarterly psychiatric appointments...I also have young children I'm with constantly and a husband who works long Night shifts and sleeps in the day. No family on either side to help. So I cope. Like you do. And I get exhausted. Like you do. But I still accept that my husband needs downtime too as an individual as he bears the brunt of my tears and sleeplessness grumpiness and panic. Does it annoy me when he seems selfish with what little time he is with us? Sometimes. But I'll talk to him and we'll cuddle. Thing is, I know utterly that he adores me and will help me if I actually say what I need rather than expecting him to be a mind reader.
I hope your health takes an upward turn soon.

Can you sleep on the sofa so he gets up with DS through the night?

Teacup, I have already explained that I had been trying to talk to him and he has been intentionally ignoring me. I have literally said to him "I am really struggling with the anxiety right now" and he has shut the conversation down. And he doesn't bear the brunt of anything, that's probably what frustrates me, I go out of my way to ensure that.

At this point I almost want to list other examples of when he has been an arse but I genuinely think it wouldn't make a difference to the way this thread has gone.

I have had a conversation with him where he said that he was angry that he wasn't getting more recognition from his colleagues at work and he took it out on me, that he ignored me when I was asking for help, he told me he was angry at the situation.

He ignored my mental health, me and our child because he was angry that he wasn't getting enough praise at work. That is the situation in a nutshell.

This situation started last Saturday, he came home from work and I told him it had been a difficult day BUT I also asked him how work was, he was moody after that and I kept asking if he was OK and if he was annoyed at me, I already knew he was but I finally got fed up of it on Tuesday (my original post). I have to admit I have bumbled this thread whilst trying to figure out the situation myself.

I bloody well asked him about work and I praise him too all the time and I never expect more of him than I do myself.

He's told me he gets annoyed if he comes home and I tell him our son has been difficult because he knows it will be a stressful day. I can't stop things being stressful sonetimes, this phase will pass with our son and he will be lovely again, I will get my mental health under control, what else can I do?

I had a year of anxiety and panic attacks after my son was born. I realised that in my case tiredness made it worse. I went to bed at 7 which allowed me to cope with getting up in the night and let Dh sleep as he had to get up and go to work.

I am an Sahm now but worked when the kids were younger. It is easier to work than be at home but it’s really hard to get up early and function in meetings without sleep. Also I found not being at home meant I was less patient with the kids and less skilled with them. Just putting that forward from a work POV however I was always annoyed when my adult dh played teen games rather than spend time with the family. Would it have been less annoying if he’d done something else?

Is your 3 year old always up in the night? Is it just a phase? Do you find tiredness makes your anxiety worse too? Is there one problem here or is it multiple (for me the gaming would be a massive problem). I have found and accepted that being a sahp created a gender divide that wound me up. It helped us that dh is frequently out of work so we have swapped that role (tho not recently) and also to go full on gender stereotyping & have male and female jobs - he does lawn, bins ironing hoovering & washing up. I fo bathroom kitchen cooking meal planning shopping & finance.

Sorry, I wasn't clear - actually say what you want from him. When I say my panic attacks and ptsd flashbacks are bad so my insomnia is bad and therefore I'm exhausted my husband doesn't know if I want a cuddle, a cup of tea, him to take children for an hour, him make dinner, etc and yes sometimes I don't know either I just want him to take control and it's frustrating that he doesn't automatically but I try to count to 10 and remember he's not intentionally not getting it. I hate how men seem to need things spelling out, it's so damn unequal and unfair, but I do want out marriage to succeed long term so try.
I'd be really hurt with what your husband has admitted, it's unutterably self-absorbed but you do need to talk as the alternative is to become two housemates rather than a couple.

Oh, my husband really listens to my CPN even if she is saying what I was saying - he seems to accept it as real from the experts! Could drive me potty, and does when I'm grumpy.

Manitz, it's just a phase, he does it whenever he has a growth spurt and I think the heatwave made it worse, he is already better and has grown both mentally and physically!

Housework is fairly divided, we don't have many set jobs and just divide it as we go.

I didn't really care that he was going upstairs to play a game (he normally just does it in the same room as us) it was that he was really just walking away from me because I said I had been having panic attacks in the night.

Being tired seems to make the physical aspects of anxiety worse but I find tiredness makes the depression worse. I wouldn't ask my partner to do any night shifts though because he is up really early.

I don't know how the dynamics will change when I go back to work but I will definitely be talking it through with him in detail beforehand!

Teacup, I am normally pretty stubborn about dealing with it myself but I will ask for a hug or a drink.

I have gotten pretty adept at explaining in a way he can understand but I know he is more in tune than he let's on because on Tuesday I went into the bathroom to have a panic attack and whilst in there had an urge to self harm (I haven't done it for over 7 years but still have the odd small urge when I'm at my worst) and when we were talking later he mentioned that he thought I might have been self harming (I hadn't) but that shows just how well he knows me, he can't really claim ignorance when he may as well be clairvoyant about it at times!

He was like you said self absorbed and it did hurt especially because it's not the first time, he did the exact same thing when I got pregnant (a planned pregnancy after him initiating the "shall we have a child" conversation) and then when our son was born, I left hospital before I was ready because he was fed up of being there and wanted to get home and 'back to normal' and once back at home I would pretend I was recovering well and having a newborn was a breeze to accommodate for him. I couldn't tell anyone I was struggling because I would of had to tell them it was because of him.

At this point I just need to work out if he is maliciously selfish or he sometimes gets a bit too self absorbed.

Ahh I'm sorry to hear all that. I think your last paragraph nailed exactly what you have to work out.
I know I'm very lucky with my husband (my third, I chose appallingly before him) and there is no way he'd have had me out of hospital earlier than I was comfortable with...women can without realising fall into societal expectations of accommodation of men's needs/desires first and foremost and it's a shame.

Can I just say, please contact your local mental health team re your recent urge to self-harm - the fact that it has resurfaced needs to be something they are aware of to best help you. I wish you all the best, and the strength to not settle for less than you deserve.

Thank you TeacupTattoo, you're right about about the societal expectations, my Mum very much had/has those beliefs and I ended up in an abusive relationship throughout my teens as a result and then was called numerous things when I finally saw sense and ended it, this same woman would probably claim to be a feminist

It sounds ridiculous but aside from a very helpful course of CBT any outside help for my mental health seems to make me worse, it's like I'm giving it power, my coping technique is possibly a weird one but I treat it like an annoyance, I minimise it and it has worked, about five years ago I was unable to leave the house it was so bad and I am now doing things I didn't think would be possible for me. I am not worried about the urge to self harm, it was a passing thing in the midst of a particularly difficult panic attack and I know I wouldn't of acted on it.

Thank you for your kind words.