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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunk argument with husband

53 replies

LizNite · 07/08/2018 08:08

Hi, as the title says I had a drunken argument at the weekend with husband. I don’t very often drink, mum of 2 young kids and trying for our 3rd. Anyway, we had drinks at home, then went into town (kids were at their grans). I was very drunk before we even went into town so really shouldn’t have done. I was in a low mood before we even started drink so looking back I shouldn’t have drank. I was down as I recently had my second miscarriage and was down about other things (still grieving my first loss, was a late miscarriage, and my dad passed away last year) so was just feeling quite low. I started talking about all of this whilst we were sitting in the pub and he got mad and said this is not a councelling session, it’s a night out, he took my keys and went home. Leaving me in town. I should have left then but felt if i’d Gone home too at that point, we would have argued more. So I sat in the pub on my own, crying. It was about 2 hours later when I got home. I remember about an hour of that time, but 1 hour I can’t seem to allocate for, I feel like i’ve Had a drunken blackout. I’ve checked my phone, and bar ringing him and my mum, there were no other calls, but I have a memory of deleting calls from my log. I feel sick with worry that I rang someone drunk and am just waiting for that embarrassing text asking what I was doing? Or i’m worried that someone saw me staggering round town, drunk and in a state. This was on Saturday night, do you think I would have heard by now if that was the case? I hate that I got that drunk and to be honest since falling pregnant with my eldest 6 years ago I don’t really drink. I used to get in that state when I was younger but I hated that person, and I hate even more that she’s still ‘in there’ somewhere. Sorry for ranting, I just don’t know what to do x

OP posts:
emmaluggs · 07/08/2018 08:14

Yes I’m sure that you would have heard if you did something particularly embarrassing. If it’s out of character I’m sure whatever has happened, you would be cut some slack.

Don’t be so hard on yourself like you said you don’t like being like that and it’s a extremely rare occurrence.

Maybe a frank discussion with DH about your feelings that were the catalyst for the drunken episode, you obviously need some support.

Take care

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2018 08:17

Your dh acted like a dick, leaving you in the pub was completely out of order. He's the problem, not you.

Chocolate123 · 07/08/2018 08:18

I'm actually shocked he left you alone it that state. As for other people don't worry about them take care of yourself

Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 08:20

Thank you for your reply. Yes I feel like I’ve not been very honest with my feelings and the struggles I feel, but we had an honest conversation Sunday morning and I pored my heart out. I’m starting councelling on Monday.
I think it’s just the fact I behaved how I did, the lack of memory, potential drunken phone calls. Just hate that I got like that. And my husband did say He thought he’d never have to deal with that side of me ever again, and I just feel like i’ve let everyone down. X

OP posts:
Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 08:21

Yeah I was mad at him leaving me, and he used to do that all the time when we were younger. So I think that just bought back even worse memories.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/08/2018 08:34

Did he mean he thought you'd never be drunk again or upset? You're allowed to be upset and alcohol is a depressant so will make a sad time even worse. Hope the counselling helps..

junebirthdaygirl · 07/08/2018 08:41

Its good you are starting counselling as there is stuff there to get out. It looks like you are a person that alcohol doesn't suit . I can understand your dh not wanting to deal with that but leaving you on your ow was a very irreponsible thing to do. We wouldn't even do that to a casual acquaintence. Also if alcohol doesn't suit you you are best not having it in the house at all.
Maybe hold off on getting pregnant for a while until you get back on a steady footing.
Forget about the phonecalls. That is a natural fear after a bad night. Mind yourself. Hopefully that nigjt marks a turning point in your life.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/08/2018 08:47

He’s an arse for leaving you alone in that state. You might not have made it safely home at all.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 08:48

Your dh acted like a dick, leaving you in the pub was completely out of order. He's the problem, not you

Yeah, you're right, she bears no responsibility here. Confused

Op, you'd have heard if you'd done anything. Don't worry. 💐

user1467718508 · 07/08/2018 08:57

@Bluntness100 ...actually, I'm not sure OP should bear any responsibility.

She's had a harrowing year without any outlet, and - as far as I can tell - is only guilty of getting pissed and trying to talk about it whilst drunk Confused Classic drunk behaviour. Not worth being abandoned in town over or made to feel like an embarrassment/failure.

Guilting you with weighted phrases like 'I hoped I'd never see you like that again' when you're already feeling low and remorseful is utter BS.

In the grand scheme of things, getting too drunk (when you're no longer a regular drinker) is SO understandable and forgivable.

Please don't beat yourself up over it, OP Thanks

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 09:04

As much as I have sympathy for thr op she does indeed bear responsibility for getting wankered.

I'm not saying the husband should have left her, but we don't know how w drunk he was or how drunk he thought she was.

They were both at fault.

RachelAnneJ · 07/08/2018 09:09

Can you not log on to your account and check to see who you phoned? At lease then you'll know who you called and how long for. If I was on the receiving end of the call though, I would probably call or text the next day to make sure you were okay so maybe things aren't as bad a you're thinking they are.

I think your husband was out of order to abandon you knowing you were drunk and upset.

BastardGoDarkly · 07/08/2018 09:15

Oh love, don't beat yourself up. You got pissed and tearful! With the year you've had, I'm not at all surprised.

Don't worry about the possible drunken calls, those that matter won't mind, and those that mind don't matter.

No, your dh shouldn't have left you, but I take it he was pissed and upset too?

Cut yourselves some slack.

I really hope the counselling helps you.

Good luck Flowers

letsdolunch321 · 07/08/2018 09:18

Relax no harm has been done if ypu did call/text anyone. You got home safely in the end and more positive you start councilling on Monday.

Good luck 💐

Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 09:22

I take full responsibility for behaving how I did, I was wrong to drink knowing I was in a depressed/low mood to begin with.
We drank about the same, but like I said I don’t really drink anymore and hadn’t eaten, so it affected me more than my husband.
I know why he left because he didn’t want to argue, but we only started arguing when he said this is not a councelling session. I’ve tried talking to him sober, about my dad, the miscarriages, but he hated my dad and kind of shrugs it off and says he doesn’t want to talk about the miscarriages as it upsets him. Which I know it does, but I want us to talk to each other, and get through this together. And i’M going to councelling because I feel I can’t talk to him about my feelingd but need to talk to someone. And that upsets me, cause I listen for hours (and I do mean hours) about how he hates work, falling out with his dad, and I just want him to do the same for me.

OP posts:
ferando81 · 07/08/2018 09:24

Both at fault.Your partner was at fault leaving you but listening to a drunk is hard work

Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 09:24

Alcohol does not suit me, past experiences made me stop drinking, but for some reason I just wanted to get drunk on Saturday. I don’t really know why cause like I said I knew before it wasn’t going to end well. Maybe I just thought if I was drunk I could talk about things more honestly

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 07/08/2018 09:26

The only person who has been let down is you. He is your husband and you needed to talk, to share, to be heard, to be supported. He let you down, abandoned you to your grief, and then left you in a potentially dangerous situation - intoxicated and distressed out at night.

Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 09:27

How do you long into your account to check call logs if I might have deleted them?

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 07/08/2018 09:29

We've all done it, love. You recognise you weren't in the right place to drink and will learn from that and that's all that can be done.
You would certainly have heard by now if you had embarrassed yourself. You just have the fear x

Your husband, however, was an arse - leaving a clearly drunk and upset woman alone to get home... what if something had happened? What if you hadn't been able to get home? Very irresponsible, you also say he took the keys - did he drive home drunk?!

Maybe some grief therapy could help? Your husband too, maybe he reacted badly because he is grieving too and is ignoring it?

Sorry for your loss, love, let the night go, forgive yourself x

LemonysSnicket · 07/08/2018 09:32

And you can log into your account on your contractors website or call them and ask for a call log from your number.

Parky04 · 07/08/2018 09:40

Your DH should never have left you on your own. That is unacceptable. Also you know that you and alcohol do not go well together if I was you I would give up alcohol forever. Professional counselling is a far better way to deal with problems.

Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 09:41

Okay i’ll Try ringing my contractor. No he took my house keys, he didn’t bring any.

I know I should have heard now if I had rang someone but just have this feeling. I can’t eat cause I feel sick with nerves. What a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
LizNite · 07/08/2018 09:44

No i’m Not drinking anymore, have so much more fun sober, have a laugh a dance on a night out, just end up a unhappy, miserable annoying drunk. So i’m Giving up on the drink for good. Always blamed my actions when drunk when I was younger on being younger and emotional but Saturday proved that it’s me as a person no mater what age that doesn’t agree with alcohol, if that makes sense.

Thank you all for the kind and honest words x

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 09:48

Not quite the main point but If I was with someone who needed me as a listening ear to go on and on about their issues and then shut me down when I dared try and discuss an issue of my own, I’d be pissed off... next time he wants to talk id say that caring about how your spouse feels is a two way street and it’s not fair for him to unload problems on you if you can’t do the same.

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