Drunk argument with husband

[LizNite]

Hi, as the title says I had a drunken argument at the weekend with husband. I don’t very often drink, mum of 2 young kids and trying for our 3rd. Anyway, we had drinks at home, then went into town (kids were at their grans). I was very drunk before we even went into town so really shouldn’t have done. I was in a low mood before we even started drink so looking back I shouldn’t have drank. I was down as I recently had my second miscarriage and was down about other things (still grieving my first loss, was a late miscarriage, and my dad passed away last year) so was just feeling quite low. I started talking about all of this whilst we were sitting in the pub and he got mad and said this is not a councelling session, it’s a night out, he took my keys and went home. Leaving me in town. I should have left then but felt if i’d Gone home too at that point, we would have argued more. So I sat in the pub on my own, crying. It was about 2 hours later when I got home. I remember about an hour of that time, but 1 hour I can’t seem to allocate for, I feel like i’ve Had a drunken blackout. I’ve checked my phone, and bar ringing him and my mum, there were no other calls, but I have a memory of deleting calls from my log. I feel sick with worry that I rang someone drunk and am just waiting for that embarrassing text asking what I was doing? Or i’m worried that someone saw me staggering round town, drunk and in a state. This was on Saturday night, do you think I would have heard by now if that was the case? I hate that I got that drunk and to be honest since falling pregnant with my eldest 6 years ago I don’t really drink. I used to get in that state when I was younger but I hated that person, and I hate even more that she’s still ‘in there’ somewhere. Sorry for ranting, I just don’t know what to do x

Do you think you called an ex? Is that why you are so worried and need to find your call
Log details. You are obsessing about that for no reason other than if you called someone you shouldn't

I didn’t call an ex, we have been together 10 years, and I don’t have any ex’s numbers in my phone, so it’s not that.
We have recently moved house and our ex landlord is holding our deposit due to light bulbs and we need the money, I know we were talking about that before we went into the town and i’m Thinking did I call him drunk having a go? Or i’m I just thinking about it cause we spoke about it before? I deep down don’t think I have as I would have heard something off him, and I was more upset about my husband leaving, my dad and the miscarriages (that’s all I spoke about to my mum) but I will deal with that if I have, it’s the more not knowing and the worry that why can’t I seriously remember an hour of the night.

I think there’s bigger issues with me and my husband, like the not listening to me when I need it. And I honestly do not go on about my dad or the miscarriages, I do get a lot off my chest to my mum rather than talk with my husband, but I’ve just felt so overwhelmed this week by everything, not really sure why this week, but it has got on top of me, and I did try and talk about this sober to him earlier on last week but got dismissed.

Please go easy on yourself! What you’re having is post-drink anxiety/the guilts. We all get it when we’ve had too much to drink. Your body isn’t used to it and your mood was low before you started so just draw a line under it and forgive yourself. You’ve got two small children and have experienced a lot of loss over the past year. That, coupled with your DH not listening has affected you. We’ve all been there and done worse. Drink lots and lots of water - your brain will feel so much better x

Thank you. I know it’s the after affects of drinking so much making me feel so bad/anxious, this is how I used to feel in the past and I said I would never be like that again, not just for husbands sake ( and obviously the kids) but for my own.

He's not being very supportive though is he?

Pissed up row aside, why won't he listen to you?

If I heard one of my DC had abandoned a friend in the state you were in without making sure they got home safely; I would be furious!

To be honest: he hasn't got your back and isn't looking after you.
He must have seen how drunk you were before going into town, he knew what a bad time you've had, and he abandoned you.

I really hope the counselling helps you sort out a lot of things.

I do feel like there’s a lack of support but it’s kind of always been like that, I guess it’s never been that much of an issue/obvious cause i’ve Never really needed support before, this last year has been the most horrible time of my life.
I do love him, we get on so we’ll and he’s a great dad, but he can be quite selfish and put himself before us all (has a sports hobby which he takes trips away 3 to 4 times away-one being a annual 5 night trip abroad) and to be honest this has never bothered me, but it’s starting to cause I feel like I am being abandoned not given a second thought, and if I had more support whilst he was at home then I wouldn’t mind.
This whole thing with the landlord, if I have rang him, so be it. I will apologise as it was wrong and I will deal with the after math, it’s the worry that the landlord rings my husband and tells him, i’ve Felt sick the last few days when husband has come home from work not knowing how he’s going to be.

And I think now i’m Starting to be over the affects of the alcohol, i’m Seeing the night a bit clearer (still not that hour I lost mind) but the build up to the argument.
I was a bit off on the Sunday, was trying to get the councelling organised, felt tired and hungover, so was just a bit quiet. He accused me of not being with it and asked me if was capable of looking after the kids for the week. Which I thought was a bit harsh and a bit of a kick whilst I was already feeling quite low.
I know I was drunk, I know how I behaved was wrong and I do honestly mean it when i say i’m Not going to drink again, i’m Going to councelling to sort out the underlying issues and it will take me a while to get over the night as I do feel that guilty and upset about it. But I feel like him leaving me, taking my keys and ignoring a lot of my calls before finally picked up, escalated the situation. And i’ve Had no apology for that.

Does this incident make you look at your DH in an unfavourable light? It would me. The fact that he wants you to stfu is bad enough but leaving you intoxicated and upset is appalling. You could have fallen, been robbed or worse. As a pp said he doesn't have your back.

Cross post with you op. Glad you're seeing it that way

You were drunk.
You wanted your husband, who should be your rock at times like this, to listen and hear you.

How that makes your behaviour 'bad' I have no idea.

and I just feel like i’ve let everyone down
You have not let anyone down.
You are allowed to get drunk once every few years!
Stop beating yourself up about this.
Your husband should be your shoulder to cry on but he's just not doing it. So you are venting in other ways.
But you have counselling booked and are tackling it.
I suggest you have some joint counselling as well as your DH needs to support you and he's not doing that.

It does, and like I said he used to walk off and leave me quite a lot in the early years of dating, and not just due to arguing. I always said that he makes the situation worse doing that. And the next day it was always my fault, if I tried to say he needed to take some responsibility then he’d walk off. I just think we’ve never got on whilst drunk, and with me not really drinking for the last 6 or do years, we’ve got on great.
He’s behaved in ways whilst being drunk that have been quite upsetting, but that seems to be alright, then when I behave like that whilst drunk it’s like i’m The worst person ever.

I think when i’m Sober, I’m very lever headed, very understanding and can discuss issues quite well, I hate to argue, I really do. When he’s behaved in a certain way drunk, I let him be until he’s sober as I know i’m Not going to achieve anything whilst he’s drunk, but he seems to take advantage a bit when i’M drunk, if that makes sense. It’s like he knew saying ‘this is not a councelling session’ whilst I was upset and drunk would rub me up the wrong way, he could have just said, ‘look your drunk let’s talk about this in the morning properly when we’re both siber’ And given me a hug! I just remember as I was talking I just wanted a hug and to be told it’ll be okay.
I tried to go councelling when my dad died, I booked a evening appointment about a week and a half in advance (checked with hubby if the date was okay and he said yes) then the day before he said he had tickets to football, and had it booked for weeks so couldn’t cancel. I had no one to watch the kids so had to cancel my appointment, this happened another 2 times for similar reasons, I lost over £100 as I didn’t give enough notice to cancel so ended up giving up on the idea. That makes me quite sad when I write that

I’m another one who is appalled at your DH leaving you in the pub when you were so obviously distressed and the shame he’s now pouring on to you, does not put him in a good light - especially as he is allowed to get drunk and misbehave at times.

It sounds like your relationship is very unbalanced and I expect this is replicated in lots of areas. I would definitely hold off on having another child. Good luck with the counselling.

Just read your update. Wow. Unbalanced is an understatement.

Why was it more important for your DH to go to a football match than you to go to counselling? I’m guessing you have a life-long history of putting other people first and not looking after your own needs. Don’t let him stop you going this time.

I won’t let him stop me this time, I don’t know why I did before to be honest.

Hi everyone, so turns out I didn’t ring my landlord about the money owed to us. I feel a weight has been lifted and can go to my councelling tomorrow with a clear head to be able to focus on what I really need to talk about.
Thank you to everyone over the last week with your reasureance and encouraging words. It helped me to realise the issues I have with drink and that i’m Not going to drink again and get in a state like that again, because the way i’ve Felt this week has been horrible. So thank you again 😊xx

I think your DH has acted like a dick. So it’s ok for you to listen to him moan on and on about his issues. You have to be there for him but he doesn’t want to talk about your dad or your miscarriages?! That’s pretty rough to be honest. He sounds selfish and unsupportive and no wonder you let it all out with a few drinks inside you. Sounds like you are in a lonely marriage and he should be going for counselling too!

Good luck with the counselling op. I would definitely hold off ttc for now. Any chance your dp might attend a session with you at some point, to try to resolve some of the issues around you feeling unsupported?

I think he would if I asked him, but I think to be honest, before my dad passed away and I had the miscarriages I was very strong, would basically take no crap, and I think he appreciated my honesty and bluntness as he’s never really had that (his dad his very controlling and selfish and his mum is a doormat) but I think when everything happened last year I just went into a bubble and just didn’t really care - and just focused on the kids as I just didn’t want them to suffer.
So I think if I can get back to a better place, how I was before and deal properly with the issues I have then I can strongly talk to him about the issues in our relationship.
I have told him I was very upset and disappointed he left me, and I have said I don’t think he’s supported me enough through this. And I said to him he thinks because he has dealt with the miscarriages he thinks I have, but I have explained that it was harder for me and will take longer. I don’t mean that in a selfish way but I had started to feel the first movements/flutters and had to deliver our baby and then have a d&c. Explaining this to him I think opened his eyes a bit and he’s been more supportive this week. He’s took today off to help with the kids as he knows my mind will be elsewhere thinking of my councelling later. So as much as the drunken argument was horrible at the time, I think it shocked him and made him realise how difficult this last year has been for me and that he needs to be there more. Hope that makes sense (I can ramble a bit) xx

I hope that the counselling helps you see what a complete and utter twat your DH is. Taking your keys, leaving you in a pub distressed and vulnerable then ignoring your calls is a fucking disgrace. No one in a loving relationship acts like this. No one.

It seems from your posts that you have lost your strength from all the adverse life events and instead of supporting you like a normal loving husband he decided to trample you down even more. Sounds like he may be more like his dad than you think.

Yeah I have started to see his dads traits in him, and I have told him he’s going to end up like his dad, but I won’t be like his mum and just take it. He has told me himself he worries he’s like his dad and really doesn’t want to be, and I think that’s why he used to like it when I told him and put him in his place kind of thing. His mum is very much ‘yes sir no sir’ and i’ve Always said I will never be like that, that we are equal in this relationship or we won’t be in it anymore. And I know i’ve Let that happen over the last few months, but not anymore. He needs to put me and the kids first and I’m hoping that today is the start of that.
And your right, I lost my strength due to the events over the last year. I mean even my dad dying was not just that, family arguments hVe happened, falling out, arguments of his will (or lack of it) not by me or my bro but with my aunties (horrible woman). 2 days after my dad died they were asking my brother for their share of his money (bro is older so dealt with estate). But anyway, it has been a long year but I feel quite positive and empowered today. X

You sound like you're getting back to yourself again. Maybe getting hammered wasn't a bad thing after all. It's got you back to this position of feeling stronger again! Good luck. Maybe counselling would be useful for your DH as well with his family background