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Original poster

Just found my DP online dating sites.

51 replies

Victrix · 06/08/2018 13:46

Yes, plural.

Been together for 8 years, not married but lived together for 7 years, no DC. DP has been amazing while I've been ill with depression for the last few years. Now I'm recovering well, trying to get back to pulling my weight in the relationship, making suggestions for things to do etc.

DP has been down recently, told me it was work and as he has a v stressful and responsible job I believed him when he said that's all it was.

Just found online dating profiles. Profile photo is part of a holiday photo canvas in our fucking bedroom. I feel sick and I'm shaking. WTF do I do? I feel guilty for all the shit he's had to deal with in regards to my health but what the hell?

Has anyone ever been able to get over something like this? If it's "just" chatting I think I can deal but if he's even touched someone else I'm gone.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 06/08/2018 13:56

How did you find him on dating sites if you're not there yourself? Genuinely wondering!

yetmorecrap · 06/08/2018 13:56

howdid you find this OP. Did you suspect something or was it in his history on computer? what has he said about himself, has he said 'single' etc. I do know someone elses partner who did this and said he was just 'curious' as to whom would respond and never intended to do anything about it but I have to say its extremely untrustworthy behaviour whatever the motives. I would personally say nothing and get snooping/monitoring discretely.. If he then comes out with the 'curious' kind of shit and you know he has been responding at least you know where you are.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2018 14:02

How did u find out ? Is he active on them or could they be old profiles. Sorry I have no idea how they work hopefully someone will be able to advice you

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 14:03

Hah, yeah that's always a fair question Grin

I found out because he got an email from one of them and the notification with the name of the site came up on his smartwatch. I thought to myself, nah, it's just spam, there's no way. But it niggled away so I did a quick search for "local singles" etc and there he bloody was. I haven't gone near his phone or PC, that's going to be a conversation for when he gets in from work in a few hours.

The thing is I felt really guilty for looking and being mistrustful then I found him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 14:04

He is active on them. I took the photo he's using as a profile pic (holiday photo) so even if not recent it's been while we've been together.

OP posts:
Chickenkatsu · 06/08/2018 14:06

You could create a fake profile and make friends with him. He's unlikely to tell you the truth directly so you might get a better idea that way.

cakecakecheese · 06/08/2018 14:08

I'm so sorry. Be prepared for him to tell you he was just looking and it is because he's been depressed etc. If you are to even consider staying with him he'd need to show you the messages to prove it's only been chatting and to delete the account in front of you. If he spins you a load of lines it's time to get rid.

Theruggedskyline · 06/08/2018 14:10

Second the advice to create a fake profile and contact him and see what the story he is telling about his life is. Whether he is single / with someone / recently separated whatever. See if he is suggesting meeting up.

Otherwise he is going to tell you that he was “just looking,” and never met anyone or wanted to meet anyone.

Unicornmammy · 06/08/2018 14:16

God this brings back memories my stupid ex joined some dating site years ago and it actually sent me an email to see if i wanted to join aswell? Guessing he didnt mean to do that. Moron.
Hmm yes set yourself up one and try and find him!

letsdolunch321 · 06/08/2018 14:21

I do agree with making up a fake profile, he sounds a sleaze bag.

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 14:25

cakecake I plan to make him show me.

I've already found him. Printed out his profiles and left them on the couch for when he comes home.

I don't want to do a fake profile. If he refuses to show me what he's been doing/sending it's going to hurt just as much as anything else. Don't get me wrong, when I say I can deal with it I'm still going to be furious.

I was really worried about his mental health as well, going on about knowing he could always talk to me and that he didn't need to worry about hurting my feelings etc. Fuck.

OP posts:
shoelaces · 06/08/2018 14:28

Ageee, make a profile and chat. See where it leads. I found DH using hook-up sites. I confronted him and had a bag packed. He swore he was just curious and that he never met up with anyone.

Our relationship is great now and I 100% trust the man he has become. We've been together 18yrs and this was in the early days of the internet and before smartphones!

Juneonthewestcoast · 06/08/2018 14:33

I'd also say keep your cards close to your chest for now (so don't leave those profile print-outs for him to see). You might be able to figure out some more stuff now that you are alerted (e.g. looking at bank statements, phone messages etc).

Sorry, you are going through this! Remember he is the flawed person and you are worth more x

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 14:47

The cat can tell something's wrong, she's climbing all over me. Can't afford a flat that would take her so I really hope everything is OK. I wish i hadn't seen that email, we were looking at holidays yesterday

OP posts:
StillAgony · 06/08/2018 14:59

I found my DP had emailed a dating site for further info, hadn't actually joined. I confronted him, he used the 'curious' line...in a way I wished I'd kept my powder dry and waited, but we don't live together so would have been difficult to keep tabs on...we are trying to work through things - this was 6 mths ago - we go on holiday in oct and that is the time frame I've set myself, if I don't think things are moving forward I will walk away.
There's no definitive advice or answer when someone is in a situation like this, but just make sure you look after yourself x

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 15:02

I've moved the printout, I'm just going to ask him to log in to his account and show me his messages and see what he says. I'm not sure how I feel, I'm swinging between sad, angry and just sort of numb.

Also wishing I'd waited until nearer the time for him getting home.

OP posts:
Juneonthewestcoast · 06/08/2018 15:03

It's better to find out these kinds of things sooner rather than later when you have kids and a house! I rent and have a cat too, it can take a bit longer to find somewhere that allows pets but I don't think they are usually more expensive :-)

If he's not fully committed to your relationship you have a right to know and to act accordingly. I'm sure you'll have lots of lovely holidays in the future no matter how thing work out.

Juneonthewestcoast · 06/08/2018 15:08

That's a good idea! Try to not give him a chance to back out of showing you the messages there and then. He might try to deflect or cause a scene to avoid showing you what's on there before he can delete things. Maybe it'd be good to see his WhatsApp too - I think people usually move on to communication there from dating sites when they are thinking about meeting up.

Remember that he is in the wrong! You've found he is on dating sites - he's betrayed you. The logical conclusion from that is that he is actively trying to (or is) meeting up with other women; you aren't being unreasonable in saying this to him.

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 15:08

The house is in his name due to earning power at the time of purchase, when I worked FT I paid half the mortgage and a good chunk of the bills and also bought most of our furniture, but then for a couple of years I wasn't earning due to various health issues (including depression) so he paid it all. That said I paid my own expenses out of my savings/credit card, didn't want him to have to do it. So that might be an argument later. I hope it doesn't have to be.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 06/08/2018 15:09

You have the advantage of hours of thinking of all possible scenarios. How he will lie, minimise, or even be upfront. HE doesn't know this is coming, so will have had no time to think up stories.

Ryder63 · 06/08/2018 15:10

And yes, ask to see his WhatsApp!

annandale · 06/08/2018 15:10

It's interesting that it is now you are recovering this has happened. Something to talk about?

Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 15:15

I was wondering if he was waiting until I was better to leave, maybe he was worried about me mentally if he said we were over sooner? I don't know.

I'm naturally a bit of a catastrophiser so I've used today to do some worst-case-scenario planning i.e can I find somewhere to live locally with just my basic salary (work part time but can usually get extra hours if wanted) and I can, just. Would be tight but doable, which means I can go into this wanting to save our relationship for it's own sake, not just from a practical point of view. Did that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Victrix · 06/08/2018 15:16

Plus I completely accept that the last few years have been crap, but things really have improved recently. I thought they had anyway.

OP posts:
CheesyPizza · 06/08/2018 15:21

Sorry you are going through this.

I found out last week that my DH has been spending money on hotel rooms, concert tickets etc and I haven't been included in thise jaunts.

Best to have it out now. Prepare your questions, make sure he logs in in front of you.

Could be worth checking his phone first to see if he has exchanged numbers with anyone.