Just found my DP online dating sites.

[Victrix]

Yes, plural.

Been together for 8 years, not married but lived together for 7 years, no DC. DP has been amazing while I've been ill with depression for the last few years. Now I'm recovering well, trying to get back to pulling my weight in the relationship, making suggestions for things to do etc.

DP has been down recently, told me it was work and as he has a v stressful and responsible job I believed him when he said that's all it was.

Just found online dating profiles. Profile photo is part of a holiday photo canvas in our fucking bedroom. I feel sick and I'm shaking. WTF do I do? I feel guilty for all the shit he's had to deal with in regards to my health but what the hell?

Has anyone ever been able to get over something like this? If it's "just" chatting I think I can deal but if he's even touched someone else I'm gone.

This is horrible, I'm so sorry to all going through/have been through the same thing.

Well, this doesn't sound like it's going to end well. Depending on how you put the topic on the table, things can turn out in different ways.

He will not log in. From personal experience they prefer to take the shit over not logging in, leaving the house then coming back with empty messages.

Make a fake account up

I'm hoping everything will be OK with some work and a meaningful conversation, I suppose I just need to wait and see.

When's he home from work op?
Hope it can be sorted x

Maybe around five-ish, tonight would be a very bad night for him to work late!

Thinking of you - x

I can't imagine any way that he's not been cheating, sorry OP. As someone who uses these sites I can tell you there are quite a few married/partnered men who pretend to be single. They don't just chat, they go on dates, have sex etc. I don't know what your dp has done but multiple sites suggests he's been busy.

This EXACT scenario happened to me. Found DP of 7 years on dating sites using photos I had taken of him (for that extra kick in the teeth). And all of this followed a particular tough time I was having.

I confronted him and he laughed it off saying "oh you found those?" and said he was just curious etc. I had become no fun so he wanted to see what was out there. It was the beginning of the end.

I think you should try and find out how long he's been on there (ask to see his signing up emails) and any messages he's exchanged. Otherwise it's always going to eat away at you. Good luck OP.

Right, well.
He came home and asked how my day was. Asked him to let me see his OLD profile and he crumpled in on himself but did agree. Looked at all messages, fairly even mix between conversations started by him and started by others. Just fantasy role play stuff, few pic requests (ugh) . No sign of any offline communication like exchanging numbers. A few mentions of webcams which I did not like at all.

Have made it absolutely crystal clear that if I even get the slightest bit of proof that it's happening again I am gone. Told him I'm always going to be so grateful for the support he's given me but that's not going to be enough if it happens again. Made it very clear that I'm pissed off and that I would never do that to him.

Going to give the cat a few treats now, she's been great today and so have you lot xx

I work in the industry. He will do it again, they always do. Once Pandoras box has been opened...

The fact he has set these profiles up shows his intent. You’ve spent some considerable years with this man. I assume you want children at some point ? There’s a possibility he’ll actually go through with it next time and just be more cautious then leave when he’s found that person he wants to make the leap for. You really can’t trust him op , I wouldn’t waste anymore of your precious time on him. Wishing you all the best xxx

Has he said why??

Well he seems to got away with this hasn't he? He's basically been told off and that's it. He's shit all over you.

Hope you at some point realise you don't need to put up with that and then find the courage to dump him.

Mostly standard lines about wanting to feel attractive etc. Standard stuff, I know. Also, I know it's easy to say "oh but I would have left if" but I had a list of flats to view, a spreadsheet for hypothetical finances and a bag ready to go.

Ball's in his court, I trust him enough to give him a chance to prove himself again, I didn't just go oh well you were sad, that's OK!

I've taken the holiday canvas down, he was a bit like but I was I'm not going to be sleeping with an OLD profile pic on my fucking wall!

Can you really trust him op? Ask yourself honestly. Like you said you wouldn’t have done that to him , he’s a dickhead. This was your wake up call. Xx

I'm very angry and upset.

The thing is, as much as this would normally be a final straw, it's a first straw for us. 8 years and never any sign of any issues, and hardly any arguments. Maybe I'm naive, and it's a big fucking straw, but he's getting a chance. First and last.

(just want to make it clear I didn't just go, oh OK love you)

you won't know what you are dealing with because he will delete them and minimise.
I'd want to know the truth and I'd have to watch his every step to avoid the inevitable attempt to delete.

You don’t have to convince us , we are a bunch of internet strangers but please consider yourself , you do deserve better than this. Don’t waste your fertile years (making the assumption that you’re relatively young) on someone who clearly is a liability is my advice. A few months of heartache vs potentially a few more years of being messed about (without you knowing as he’ll have sharpened his deceit tactics) then he leaves you on HIS terms . Wishing you all the best lovely I really do xxxx

Oh dear, just got the update.
So you are giving him permission to continue, why do women do this?
He may upgrade to prostitutes next, unless of course you are there for him whenever he needs you, and of course he is no longer depressed.

This is a really difficult situation & I feel for you. Do you think a deeper conversation about how he dealt with your depression may be in order? How was your sex life during that period, that kind of thing? He's clearly somewhat at odds with your relationship & hopefully you can use this as a turning point & get to be more honest & have a deeper understanding of one another.

This is the thing, what you had together he can’t mend, there’ll always be that doubt when he gets a text or has to work late, meet up with his friends, etc that he’s not lying or hiding something/someone from you. And let’s face it from what I’ve seen on the Relationships board on here they just get better at hiding it from you, new phone they hide in their car/at work, etc.

You have to seriously ask yourself can you live like that? That you deserve better?

So sorry

Victrix, I know everyone’s different, but I divorced my XH of 7yrs for being on one online dating site and I don’t even know if he’d chatted to anyone on it, and we had a DC.

It's easy for us to say LTB. Many saying it would likely not do it immediately either.

He's got a chance. I hope he doesn't blow it. No one can say every single person that does it will do it again. That's ludicrous.

Wishing you well x

Glad you can move forward xxxx