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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s leaving tomorrow. I’m devastated

54 replies

springersmum · 06/08/2018 02:30

I caught my DH texting another woman last week ‘missing you’, we were sat in bed and I grabbed phone off him. He quickly admitted they’d also slept together. We were abroad on a family holiday, so I told him to leave, he seemed surprised but not upset. He was actually really cold, emotionally blank and unapologetic. Said we’d not been good for long while. Told our children (5, 8) he was heading for a business trip and packed a bag went. I was raging, crying...nothing.
He’d been awful through the holiday, shouting and grumpy with the kids, ignoring the other family we were with. It got so bad the day before that I’d asked him if he wanted to be there.
A week on he’s been on a business trip to Far East, posting pics on social media and carrying on as if nothing has happened.
He came home yesterday and we talked, he drank heavily and told me he’s not sure how he feels about me ‘his head is a mess’, but he was willing to stay home and see if we can get that ‘spark back’. Today was awful, he was drunk by early afternoon and then fell asleep for the afternoon. Really distant with me.
I’ve told him to pack his bags and leave in the morning (when he can drive).
We have a counselling session booked in a week, but I have an awful feeling it’s the end of the road for us. He’s done some pretty crapping uncaring things in the past, normally with heavy drinking so I’ve forgiven him and tried to help.
He’d said the affair was just a casual thing and is over but he’s glued to the phone still (like on holiday). Pretty sure they’re still texting. She has a young family too.
Can’t sleep/eat. Have the whole summer with my lovely kids and I just want to crawl into a hole.

OP posts:
CrystalDeCanter · 06/08/2018 02:54

I'm so sorry springersmum, but however awful it currently is I think you're doing the right thing in asking him to leave. It may be temporary but he sounds very unhappy and is behaving like an utter shit. You and your lovely kids deserve far better.

springersmum · 06/08/2018 02:58

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 06/08/2018 03:09
Flowers
redcaryellowcar · 06/08/2018 03:18

Oh gracious, that's so hard, but it seems you are clear and determined which I always think makes for better decisions. I think you are absolutely right to make him leave as o doubt he will see clearly whilst he's all clay at home with you and getting the rose tinted view of this other relationship. Value yourself highly, don't let him take any more of your kindness.

singlemominaus · 06/08/2018 03:20

God that's awful, what a crap situation to put you in. Do you want to work things out?

springersmum · 06/08/2018 04:19

I would love to work things out, but decision isn’t currently with me Sad

OP posts:
esk1mo · 06/08/2018 04:22

but he’s a cheat, why would you take him back? he will do it again and again.

he will never change. he doesnt even care enough to pretend he is sorry.

you would be so much better without him.

Movablefeast · 06/08/2018 04:22

You definitely need space apart as he is being abusive and you need to retain your self-esteem.

Monty27 · 06/08/2018 04:25

Kick him out. Cheating twat. Angry

springersmum · 06/08/2018 05:28

He’s going. Bags packed, going in an hr or so.
Have no idea how to get through today.

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 06/08/2018 05:31

I'm so sorry.

He doesn't deserve a second chance. He's been an arsehole to you and to the kids and isn't even sorry for what he's done.

Walk away and don't look back.

Zoflorabore · 06/08/2018 05:36

So sorry love :(

You will get through it for your lovely children, minute by minute, hour by hour.
Be kind to yourself. You are mourning a relationship that has died.

You need to eat and drink small and often, have a shower and a good cry in there too, don't cover for him to friends and family.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. Nothing at all.

He will regret this op. I promise you.
Whilst you have your dignity in tact, he is the one who will have the guilt of splitting up a young family and the repercussions of that.

Please contact your nearest and dearest for support. Don't make it easy on him and I know you're so hurt but he should be begging you for forgiveness here and doing everything in his power to show you he's sorry.

You sound lovely and I feel sick for you. Keep your head held high and post here if and when you need to.

Unfortunately there are many others who have been in your shoes and will guide you along the way.

Take care Flowers X

faeriequeen · 06/08/2018 05:38

Are you able to tie things down financially and legally? It often gets messy. Big hug to you.

springersmum · 06/08/2018 05:38

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:
singlemominaus · 06/08/2018 06:00

Oh god help you, I've been through something similar. Minus the cheating. Not going to lie it is super super tough at the start. But you'll find a strength within you, for you and your kids that you never knew existed: take each day as it comes and be gentle on yourself. Reach out to family, friends and online for support. You deserve a warm hug and a big cup of tea this morning. I hope you have family near by to give it to you.

springersmum · 06/08/2018 06:08

He’s gone.
Admitted that they are still texting.
Also to another 4 woman on business trips around the globe.
I feel sick.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 06/08/2018 06:14

Good riddance op, how horrible.

So it's not "just" the one. That is not meant to sound like it's ok of course, he's messaging multiple women? You're well shut of him.

You and your babies deserve so much better. I hope you realise this. I'm sure you do.

Thinking of you lovely xx

springersmum · 06/08/2018 06:21

Thank you. Your really kind words mean so much.
Need to find a way to talk to the kids when they wake.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/08/2018 06:22

You're obviously stunned and trying to get your head round it all, but you'll be better off without him. Who wants a bad tempered misery around, taking his bile out on you and the family, shouting and grumpy? He's let you all down badly. Now he can struggle.

inshockrightnow · 06/08/2018 06:26

This is the hard part, you are strong and will get through it. Thinking of you xx

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 06:26

He's absolutely disgusting to do that to you and your children. I know it hurts now but telling him to leave was the right thing to do.

Cheating with 5 women isn't down to some long marital rough patch it's chronic adultery.

Things will get better in time and not all men are cheating assholes.

Please schedule to be tested for STI's too, he essentially brought 5 other people into what you thought was a monogamous relationship and it's better to get treated as soon as possible if he's passed anything on to you.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2018 06:32

I am sorry Flowers

You need to arrange an sti test, love

Watda · 06/08/2018 06:45

Oh I really feel bad for you OP. However he sounds like a huge arsehole and I think in time, once the shock has worn off, you will realise you’re happier without him.

Sohardtochooseausername · 06/08/2018 06:48
Flowers
MadameOvary · 06/08/2018 06:48

So sorry to read this. I know you are devastated but he is doing you a massive favour by leaving. Please please be kind to yourself as you have had a massive shock.
Oh and please don't torture yourself over the "things haven't been good for a while" line. Things are never good when you are a selfish faithless lying twat. He clearly has no self-respect. He is showing you who he really is and you will look back on this as the day you were set free.