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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s leaving tomorrow. I’m devastated

54 replies

springersmum · 06/08/2018 02:30

I caught my DH texting another woman last week ‘missing you’, we were sat in bed and I grabbed phone off him. He quickly admitted they’d also slept together. We were abroad on a family holiday, so I told him to leave, he seemed surprised but not upset. He was actually really cold, emotionally blank and unapologetic. Said we’d not been good for long while. Told our children (5, 8) he was heading for a business trip and packed a bag went. I was raging, crying...nothing.
He’d been awful through the holiday, shouting and grumpy with the kids, ignoring the other family we were with. It got so bad the day before that I’d asked him if he wanted to be there.
A week on he’s been on a business trip to Far East, posting pics on social media and carrying on as if nothing has happened.
He came home yesterday and we talked, he drank heavily and told me he’s not sure how he feels about me ‘his head is a mess’, but he was willing to stay home and see if we can get that ‘spark back’. Today was awful, he was drunk by early afternoon and then fell asleep for the afternoon. Really distant with me.
I’ve told him to pack his bags and leave in the morning (when he can drive).
We have a counselling session booked in a week, but I have an awful feeling it’s the end of the road for us. He’s done some pretty crapping uncaring things in the past, normally with heavy drinking so I’ve forgiven him and tried to help.
He’d said the affair was just a casual thing and is over but he’s glued to the phone still (like on holiday). Pretty sure they’re still texting. She has a young family too.
Can’t sleep/eat. Have the whole summer with my lovely kids and I just want to crawl into a hole.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 06/08/2018 06:58

He is a repeated cheat and you are well rid of him. Don't ever let him make you think you have done anything wrong. The "bad patch" in your marriage was probably his own invention as an excuse for what he had done; even if there was a bad patch, how on earth doors that make you fall into the arms of five other people?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

MisstoMrs · 06/08/2018 07:11

I’m so sorry OP Flowers

Get some support today from friends, family, neighbour, whoever you can. You’ll get some really good practical advice and support here. Mumsnet is only an online forum at the end of the day but through it there are lots of real people out there rooting for you. You can do this. Even when you think you can’t, you can.

user1486956786 · 06/08/2018 07:11

You are definitely doing the right thing. He needs to go away and seriously think about what he's done and what he's lost / may have lost. You may work it out in the future but I wouldn't rush anything right now. One day at a time. Do you have family or friends you can confide in? Start booking in play dates , activities, keep yourself as busy as possible.

Don't rush to tell your kids, wait until you feel ready to do so.

Thatsfuckingshit · 06/08/2018 07:12

I am so sorry.

I know you are devastated, but he repeatedly cheated. He won't stop. The latest one isn't special, she is one in a long line of women he has used. Don't be another one he uses.

He doesn't love or respect you and your marriage.

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, but that won't stop if you get back together with him. He will do this again.

ClemDanfango · 06/08/2018 07:25

You deserve better than this utter shit you’re married to.
Cry your tears, find your strength and take the fucker to the cleaners.

lonelyplanetmum · 06/08/2018 07:26

I'm not a frequent poster on relationships, but just saw your post and thought I'd say I'm so sorry, and that you sound great and you can do this. His loss.

I know it's very early days and it's such a shock but it seems the people who cope best and recover the fastest are those who throw the cheater out and then emotionally start to distance themselves. The best copers seem those look after themselves and take the immediate days in small chunks of time.

If you have a five year old I'm guessing it's their last holiday before starting school ? So extra shitty timing.Just draw on every grain of strength you have and give the kids brilliant summer days, paddling pool, play dates, trips to the park, ice creams, visits to the nearest coast etc.And time for you too if you can.

I have noticed the following things from relationships threads:

  1. All the women with shitty unfaithful husbands do get through it, and importantly they come out happier.
  1. You often get women posting a couple of years later saying they met kinder, less shabby men.(My friend's sister who went through this in 2015 and was devastated now says her DH did her a huge favour. She just posted pictures of herself with new boyfriend cuddling and drinking champagne at Gatwick!)
  1. I really do think the affect on the kids can be minimised. I split up from my eldest DDs father when she was pre school. Although I was devastated at the time, sobbing into my bed at night etc. The message I always gave my DD in the day was, "we are fine " we are a great team. I always emphasised that I loved her, Grandma loved her, Grandpa loved her .Also my best friends K and Auntie L and X, Y and Z love you. Anyone I could think of. Some Daddy loves you too, I know that's important although it stuck in my throat a bit! It's very interesting, as oldest DD is now an adult. When she talks about friends whose parents divorce she always says the same thing, along the lines of it's no big deal, well it wasn't for me anyway.
Mary1935 · 06/08/2018 08:12

That’s tough Springer - he’s sounds and acted very callous.
Can you tell your children that Dads away on a trip - it will give you space for a while. It’s not up to you to tell them - either he should or you do it together.
Get support from your family and friends if they are useful
S
Yes to an STD check - sorry I know that will hurt but you need to protect yourself.
Lock down your finances as you just never know.
Think about contact and maintainace - don’t let him come to the house.
He’s been unfaithful and he clearly has a drink problem.
You may not see it now but you will - YOU are better off without him.
🌺

ManeNachger · 06/08/2018 08:20

Don't take him back. Twat.

MissMarplesKnitting · 06/08/2018 08:30

Gosh, I know right now you're devastated but I think eventually this will be for the best as he sounds like a serial adulterer and he won't change.

Use him being away to to through all the paperwork. Get copies of everything to do with your finances. Speak to a solicitor for a free 30 minute consultation and find out what your rights are.

Above all find friends or relatives you can talk to. You can't keep this to yourself. He deserves no such privacy, and you need support.

Original poster
springersmum · 06/08/2018 08:31

Thank you all so much.
My mum is driving over.
Have never accessed our joint account, just spent it. Do I need to do anything? Guessing I can’t ‘lock it down’?

OP posts:
happiertomorrow · 06/08/2018 08:31

I'm going through something similar and also have a 2 year old and am 20 weeks pregnant. It's absolutely heartbreaking but I know deep down that I deserve better than a cowardly, dishonest cheat.

Each day is hour by hour at the moment but I remind myself of all the positives I have in life which makes it easier.

I'm wishing you well and hope you get real-life support. You sound lovely, have done nothing to deserve this and things will get better. xx

Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2018 08:42

Sorry u are going through this op glad your mum is coming over to help u.

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 06/08/2018 08:42

That's horrible. You and your children deserve better. Flowers

kateshair · 06/08/2018 09:01

So sorry for you op. Must feel like a bad dream for you. Sending you strength. Keep drinking water, if you can eat just have bananas. Stay away from alcohol at least till the utter shock has passed. Don’t be scared to go to your gp if your not coping. Tell family and close friends. Stay clear of social media for a while.
This time shall pass xx

Original poster
springersmum · 06/08/2018 09:08

Thanks you all for the messages. Now I know the extent of the cheating I know we’re done, the first was a woman from a bar in KL when my DD 8 was a newborn.
The person I thought I was married to never existed.
Time for me to start again, thankfully I have lovely friends and family.

OP posts:
nc1731 · 06/08/2018 09:16

It's probably not much comfort at the moment, but this is one of those rare posts where I read and think "She's going to do so much better without him." Your children will too. I know that you love him and that you didn't want any of this to happen. But on the outside looking in, it's very apparent that you are a lovely person who has a bright future.

Sending you strength.

happiertomorrow · 06/08/2018 09:19

So so sorry. It's devastating grieving for the loss of a relationship and the person you loved before these new things came to light.

Remember who he is now and emotionally distance yourself. Keep thinking of the positives in your life.

x

Teabay · 06/08/2018 09:49

Definitely empty the joint account today, just in case. Do you have money to live on, or a salary?

yetmorecrap · 06/08/2018 09:51

You are lovely and sadly he will always need ‘that buzz’ better you know now than 10 years down the line.

faeriequeen · 06/08/2018 09:52

Can you go to your branch or do online banking? I'd be tempted to withdraw or transfer enough to keep the family going. Or all of it...

springydaff · 06/08/2018 10:18

Sounds like you could do with a trip to al-anon. You know his drinking (and subsequent shit behaviour) isn't your fault, yes? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it - that's all on him and look what he's lost!

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Easy to say you'll be so much better off without him but for now you have to get through the summer with your kids. I agree to tell them he's away on business to give you time to get steady.

So glad you've a great family and great support. That's priceless 🌸

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/08/2018 10:43

So he's got half a dozen women on the go? What a shit. You are better off without, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Please get yourself tested for STDs too. Get a hold of your financials too. Don't just hope that he'll do the right thing, you need to protect yourself and your DC.

Great that you have real life support. Get them over. You will get through this. Flowers

Orange6904 · 06/08/2018 11:17

So sorry for you op. Must feel like a bad dream for you. Sending you strength. Keep drinking water, if you can eat just have bananas. Stay away from alcohol at least till the utter shock has passed. Don’t be scared to go to your gp if your not coping. Tell family and close friends. Stay clear of social media for a while.
This time shall pass xx

What @kateshair said above

Sorry op, that's horrible, first few weeks will be total shock. You sound like you have a lot of support which is great. x

faeriequeen · 06/08/2018 17:07

Hope you're ok op.

Original poster
springersmum · 06/08/2018 22:44

Thank you all so much for posting. Your messages made an awful day more bearable and helped me to stay strong for my lovely kids. I had help from my fab family and friends, weirdly have gone to feeing blessed that they care so much x

OP posts:
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