If DH pins me to the seat

[quarterto5]

Thumb on my throat and rest of hand on my shoulder pushing me down to get square in my face to tell me to stop swearing in front of the kids, is it justified? We had an argument because He didn't want to talk about something that happened today because he has friends coming over. That annoyed me so I started calling him names and He held me down with kids watching because I swore at him in front of toddler/baby. he then broke my phone by throwing it at the wall which kids saw.

I'm not surprised he's laid his hands on me like that, almost expected it but there's no history of DV. I'm Not shaken up by the incident, back to being civil. Is this normal?

He will say I made him pin me to the seat because I wouldn't stop so is it actually my fault I pissed him off? He will justify his actions tomorrow, that much I'm sure of. He also won't feel any regret at what he's done. He didn't seem like it affected him. Just don't know what to think of the situation.

Is this the first time he's done this? Physically restraining you against your will is not ok. Throwing your phone and breaking it is not ok. The fact your children witnessed it all is not ok. Get out.

No, that isn’t normal at all and I wouldn’t stand for that, especially in front of the children.

Has anything like this happened before? Were you surprised by his reaction?

Hope you’re okay

It is unnacceptable and abnormal. A massive red flag. But so is arguing and swearing at him in front of the children.

Get out, take the children but also het some positive parenting classes behind you. If the dc repeat what happened in school ss will get involved.

That is not normal & is completely unacceptable behaviour for which there is no excuse at all. Hope you are OK

I'm ok, kids are ok too, I don't swear in normal conversations with people, let alone in front of the kids. Today I just flipped because he dismissed me when I tried to bring up the problem I had with him, ignored me when I was talking and started engaging in conversation with toddler while I was trying to get his attention. There's been issues in the run up to this and I think this is just the straw that broke the camels back so an argument started.

Nothing physical towards me before this, but 6 weeks after the birth of our 2nd baby he flipped and threw my phone 3 times at the wall/threw my clothes on the floor/kicked a box of nappies across the room and said some horrible things to me because I wouldn't hold her while she was crying at night. I had cracked nipples and was overwhelmed with the pain and her constant crying.

As pathetic as it sounds I can't get out if I wanted to, he'll pin this whole thing as my fault, get both our families involved and generally paint me as the one causing a fuss. Other than these two incidents he's not violent, just trivial issues like money and being generally selfish with time etc. Nothing as big as this.

I just genuinely wanted to know if that was justified as a response to what I was doing.

Violence is never justified.

No it wasn't. Let him involve both families. Surely yours will 100% support you.

He sounds vile. Of course you can get put and you must.

No its not justified - ever

Your post implies that you think some level of violence is acceptable.

The acceptable level of violence is zero.

Neither of you sound like you handle conflict with aplomb, but his reaction was niether reasonable or acceptable.

The concern of course is if this response becomes normalised and indeed escalates.

Thanks all.

Not worried that my family won't support me, but they'll be outnumbered by about 3 people and his family are generally more vocal and they won't see the physical contact as horrendous at all and will probably take the stance that we're both equally wrong. Just wouldn't want to involve families in the first place, will worry my parents.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole.

Fuck families. How would they have reacted (or judged) what just happened? You poor poor love. I think you already know what you need to do.

What will he do to you next?

My ex used to do something like this about every 6m. I had enough waiting for the next explosion. I felt after the last torrent of abuse he might as well have thrown me down the stairs. Sometimes it is stronger to do what's best for you and your toddler and baby girl. No one deserves this kind of behaviour. Ever. It should not be tolerated.

His was a criminal offence. Yours was not.

@HelenUrth I don't accept it's normal but what can I do to show him that I don't. Nothing is ever going to shake his core he'll just accept it and move on

You could call the police, because it’s a crime? Their talking to him MAY help him acknowledge, but it will certainly make it clear that you know it’s unacceptable and will report it not just let him get away with it.

It's not going to get better. It will very likely get worse. The problems that you may encounter if you leave now will also happen if you wait.

Maybe he hasn't been violent to you before but putting his hand to your throat is serious. How you describe him and his family's attitudes also suggest this is only going to get worse.

As pathetic as it sounds I can't get out if I wanted to, he'll pin this whole thing as my fault, get both our families involved and generally paint me as the one causing a fuss

So what? You have to forget all of that, you really do. You have children. He is violent. It doesn't matter one single jot what your families say. You are responsible for yourself and your children. You should make plans to leave. He has assaulted you and is a risk to your and your children.

I don't accept it's normal but what can I do to show him that I don't

You leave him. He can take it how he wants.

Sorry OP, I really am. I know leaving a violent partner is not easy, but don't minimise, don't make excuses for him and don't put up with violent behaviour. It will be what your children grow up seeing.

I’d drag him to counselling, underlining the word ‘illegal’ in every sentence I uttered. I’m aware there are particular guidelines for DV and couples therapy, but I’m sure you could find someone trained in DV to help you. It may be early enough in the escalation to break through to him?

I’d let him know that I’d be telling the families. They all need to hear the word ‘illegal’ a few times too. I really doubt they’ll all take his side or underplay it, I’m sure someone will have a stern word with him. If only in their own self interest (fear of losing access to grandkids, loss of family reputation, etc).

I agree that letting it all normalise in the household is the worst possible thing. For everyone. I’m sure there’s quite a feeling of ‘relief after the storm’ but you have to assume next time will be worse, so act now and decisively. Don’t worry about looking ‘silly’ or rocking the boat.

I didn't do anything last time and got a pittance of an apology but I'll call 101this time. Last time didn't put him off, I mentioned the incident during the argument and he just said "yeah I know".

I just don't want social services involved if I report the incident today, does anyone know if that will happen?

It's likely because the children witnessed it.

Decide who you want to be. Someone who calls their partner names in front of their dc, someone who accepts violence, someone who is more concerned about what extended families think than what her dc see and experience as normal. Calling the police is irrelevant unless you want things to be different. There are refuges and support our there

The detail that worries me most in your post, OP, is the hand to the throat. Men who throttle their partners very often go on to murder them. It’s a massive red flag.
This man is violent. He has smashed your phone, displayed violence in front of your children and physically attacked you. What are you waiting for? How much worse does it have to get before you protect yourself and your children by leaving him - or having him removed from the home with a restraining order?

Keep minimising it OP and as it escalates and your DC witness it you will see the long term affects of witnessing abuse as they get older. If you have a DD don’t be surprised when you find she is with an abusive man who is beating her but because how she has been brought it up she will see this as normal. I have witnessed this as a DC and it is very damaging. As an adult you can make your own choices and choose to stay and allow this. Your DC don’t have a choice so you need to accept the consequences.

If you dont do something about this, and his behaviour escalates (as it will), social services will be involved and asking why you have stayed and enabled him.

Police