If DH pins me to the seat

[quarterto5]

Thumb on my throat and rest of hand on my shoulder pushing me down to get square in my face to tell me to stop swearing in front of the kids, is it justified? We had an argument because He didn't want to talk about something that happened today because he has friends coming over. That annoyed me so I started calling him names and He held me down with kids watching because I swore at him in front of toddler/baby. he then broke my phone by throwing it at the wall which kids saw.

I'm not surprised he's laid his hands on me like that, almost expected it but there's no history of DV. I'm Not shaken up by the incident, back to being civil. Is this normal?

He will say I made him pin me to the seat because I wouldn't stop so is it actually my fault I pissed him off? He will justify his actions tomorrow, that much I'm sure of. He also won't feel any regret at what he's done. He didn't seem like it affected him. Just don't know what to think of the situation.

God I despair for the damage done to children by idiot parents. No... he should have touched you. Or smashed a phone. And you shouldn't have been swearing.

Your attempts to normalize this behaviour will destroy you're children's future relationships.

*shouldnt

I just don't want social services involved if I report the incident today, does anyone know if that will happen?

And there it is, self preservation and the green light to fuck up the kids even more.

You don't get him to see. You take your kids away and protect them from your relationship.

Both of your behaviours are damaging. Your relationship doesn't work and you need to end it. They don't deserve it.

End your relationship

It is dysfunctional and is already escalating

Your children are being damaged

You should have no fear of SS unless you stay with a violent man

Please report it and make a statement to 101. If SS get involved it will be to help your children who are being harmed by what they are witnessing. If you separate, need legal aid etc you will have evidence if his behaviour.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you in terms of getting your own needs met?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And no to any joint counselling either; such is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship.

Sod what either family think here; they are not living with domestic violence like you and in turn your children are. They have seen and heard more than enough already in their young lives. Do not attempt to further minimise what is happening here to you because abuse can and does affect them. His abuses of you is what they will remember about their childhoods particularly if you do not leave and it will follow them into their own adult relationships.

Your man is like a volcano waiting to explode and he has done so before now as well. His behaviour with your phone and the nappies are examples of domestic violence as is his pinning you to the seat and hand to the throat. Its a huge red flag and the domestic violence has already escalated further.

Protect yourself and your children from abuse by leaving your abuser; staying within this because of what families may say gives him the green light to continue. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships?. It makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up, did your own father act similarly towards your mother?.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are worth contacting as well as the Police here because of the escalating violence against you and in turn them.

I agree with Babdoc, putting his thumb on your throat is very dangerous. It takes seconds to kill a woman in that way, there's also the damage that can be done to the thyroid.
You're living with a dangerous, violent partner op.

So you can’t swear in front of your kids but he can physically abuse you in front of them?...its so messed up. Your kids shouldn’t be witnessing any of this.

I hope ss do get involved as someone needs to look out for them, what this man did is not ok and there is no way a guy would lay a hand on me twice so throw him out. His family sound just as bad If you say they wouldn’t bother he’d hurt you. Phone the police sort this out for the sake of your kids

He's just woken up sitting next to me on the bed playing with toddler. Acting like everything is normal, I can't believe he thinks it's ok to act like that. I know I was wrong to swear, but I wouldn't physically harm him. And act like it's ok the next day

Not worried that my family won't support me, but they'll be outnumbered by about 3 people and his family are generally more vocal and they won't see the physical contact as horrendous at all

This is where he gets his behaviour from - they are bullies. Do you want your children to be the same? This is domestic violence and abuse - look at this list:

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

I reckon he ticks half those boxes don't you? In time if you do nothing he will tick more. You can't let him and his family bully you into staying in an abusive relationship. If, as pp have said, you accept this and the children mention it at school, you might also be considered to have put your children at risk.

OP this will escalate and he'll do something much much worse next time. He's tested the waters to see how you'll react, do nothing and he'll gain momentum. First it might be a shove whilst walking past, then a push before finally openly hitting you.

All the while your toddler will be watching and learning that this is normal and the cycle continues.

Please call the police he assaulted you, then call women's aid and your parents.

The relationship between a mans hand around your neck and further, worse, violence is becoming well proven. Please take the advice of those on here.

www.abc.net.au/news/2018-07-23/non-fatal-strangulation-offences-focus-of-new-push-in-wa/10023184

www.facebook.com/notes/destroy-the-joint/take-action-against-non-fatal-strangulation-in-western-australia/1938484712865930/

Quarterto5 - he is abusive but for some reason you seem to be taking responsibility for his behaviour believing it’s your fault.
You do need to protect your children. They will be damaged.
Don’t beat yourself up for swearing - he maybe deliberately provoking you.
He probably won’t go sadly they never do. I would speak to women’s aid and tell your family. He will get worse - those of us who have been there know this.
Protect your children from this man - seek advice - please do. 🌺

He will say I made him pin me to the seat because I wouldn't stop so is it actually my fault I pissed him off?

Does he treat Work colleagues like this if they disagree with something? Does he treat, say, his bank manager like this if he can’t get the loan he wants?

I doubt it.

It’s domestic violence. There is no excuse.

Take advice from Women’s Aid or a community police officer about what options you have.

Next time, what extra force will he use? Will he break one of your bones?

Fighting and arguing in front of the children really isn’t on.

The Kids must get really scared.

He will not make you happy.

This will never end well.

This is just the beginning OP, if you allow him to believe this is acceptable his behaviour will get worse. One day you might find more than his thumb on your throat

Nip it in the bud and get yourself and your children safely away from him

Your kids are not ok.
Wake up.

No his actions are not justified as a response to yours.
He should have walked away.

Youre worrying about the wrong person.

"It was wrong to swear at him"
"But I wouldnt hurt him"
"Hes never been physical to me before"

It isnt just about you two. This all happened in front of your DC. Hes pretending its normal and you are at risk of accepting that. Thats a dangerous game for you. It really could be (other people have already explained your physical risk).

But if you accept it, you can bet the kids accept it too. Your future is their future. You have to show your DC that violence is never acceptable, least of all from a partner. If its ok to put hands on you for swearing, is it ok for him to do the same to them when theyre 14 and telling dad to fuck off?

No, it isn’t normal behaviour. When couples row, they sometime shout and say unkind things, or maybe stomp out of the room or slam a door. They don’t put their hands on their partners’ throats or throw phones against the wall.

Nor are matters like money trivial - conflict over these areas is not healthy.

What would you say to your son / daughter if they were adults and in this situation?

You can split up, fear of being blamed shouldn’t keep you and your children in a toxic and abusive environment.
He will blame you, of course he will but you have a choice, you can either feed in to his lies and control by getting upset about the blaming or say “whatever makes you feel better about being abusive, I know the truth and you know the truth but you crack on with the lies if it helps you sleep at night.”
Then stop engaging, shut down conversations with both families because it’s none of their business what you do with your life.
You have every right to end a relationship for any reason and that’s no ones business but yours.

Not normal. It's physical abuse, a way to intimidate you with strength.

I'd go ape shit if my boyfriend did that to me. He's 100% in the wrong.

Op please listen to those on here who have been through this.......it doesn't matter if you were swearing.
It doesn't matter if you were arguing,
it doesnt matter if you 'made ' him angry

HE CHOSE TO ASSAULT YOU INSTEAD OF WALKING AWAY TO CALM DOWN....Good husbands walk away when furious in a row.

Forget who will disbelieve, not support, or minimise, none of that is relevant, you HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO, to protect yourself and your small children. IT IS DONE. BY HIS ACTIONS. HIS ALONE.

Of course he is pretending nothing happened, stop trying to understand, it is impossible to understand, refocus your energy on an escape route.

You don't have to listen to him
You don't have to listen to his family or friends
You don't have to do what he or they say.

Think back to your younger self would you really want this sort of relationship for you? Stand on your own feet and take control of this situation before something really, really bad happens to you...we all wish you luck op.

No, he should be filled with remorse and desperate to sort it out.

He needs to go. I bet he's done lots of physical stuff to you before. Blocking a door and not moving when asked so you can't get by, pinching passed off as accidental, maybe a push 'by mistake' laughed off as an accident. Little things which you overlook and have already normalised.

Pinning you to the chair with his thumb on your throat is really, seriously bad. He could actually have killed you by mistake (or accidentally on purpose, rather).

Get him out or get yourself and your children out.

SS only want to help. If they see you are protectong your children from a violent man by kicking him out' or leaving him, then they'll be a big support and very helpful. Just treat them like human beings, not monsters, and discuss your options with them, listen to their advice, be honest about your situation and what is difficult for you.

Please get away from him.

Not normal
Not safe
Very dangerous.

You swearing at him is irrelevant.

Get out now. before it gets much much worse. Because it will.

This is his trial run. if you put up with it - well he knows where he stands - he can do whatever he wants with you.

If my dh did what yours did I would be gone or in a solicitor's office or both as soon as possible.

Your children are absorbing this fucking awful violence as normal - don't do that to them.