To tell DH about fling with his friend

[decisiontobemade]

This could be outing so have namechanged. The back story is I had a one night stand with a guy in my first term of uni, 12 years ago. It was a drunken fling (barely managed to have sex from what I remember), we didn't exchange numbers and just said hello to each other if we saw each other on campus. What I would class as totally no strings.

I got together with my husband, who attended the same uni 5 years ago, we got married last year. I was unaware at the time he was friends with fling guy. It emerged about 3 years ago that they were loosely still in touch and DH went to a bbq at flings house (I genuinely couldn't make it). At the time I did some subtle probing about how much they were in touch and it turned out barely, and it was the first time they'd seen each other in years, and DH suggested that he would probably not see him for another 10 years so I thought there was no reason to tell him.

Last year however we ended up going to another bbq where they were. I didn't say anything as we were having a bad time with family issues at the time. Now some people in his group are trying to include fling (and wife and 2 kids) in more stuff that we do. DH has also brought up inviting them to a bbq later this year.

I feel like I need to tell him about what happened now, especially as he wants to invite him to our home, but also that he will be more included in gatherings in the future. What would people do?!!!

My gut instinct is to tell him, we have a good relationship and I know it would hurt him to find out from someone else, but a small part of me thinks let sleeping dogs lie. I have no idea if dh or anyone else in group knows about the fling and doubt they would let slip if they did.

Who else is likely to tell him? I wouldn’t bother, personally, it was 12 years ago, you were drunk and it didn’t mean anything. You’d likely have forgotten if you hadn’t seen this guy again.

Would you want to know if it was flipped?

Does fling remember??

If it was that drunken of a night I’d just pretend I had no memory of it if it ever came up. Personally I’d let sleeping dogs lie. If you’ve seen the guy since and he hasn’t mentioned it to you or DH he’s likely to let it lie too. Doubt he wants that brought up to his DW either.

I'm a bit conflicted about how I would feel if flipped, I know I would shrug it off as there is nothing to it as it was a no strings fling. I think the sticking point is that he now wants to invite him into our home, I feel a little incomfortable about it, and if he did find out I can imagine that would be hurtful for him.

Good question, not sure if fling remembers even. I suspect he does but like me it was soo long ago and such a hazy memory that it doesn't mean enough to induce guilt or embarrassment when we saw each other last time.

Going against the grain here, I say tell him.

In a, oh my god, you’re not going to believe this but.... kind of way. The only issue is that your DH has already been in a few social settings with him where you could’ve given him the information beforehand.

I’m all for being open and honest, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. I’d feel uncomfortable also if I was in your position knowing he was coming around to my home.

Exactly rtm, we're both married with kids and any others who know would not really jeopardise that for either of us. I just hate the idea of others knowing and not dh. I feel guilty for keeping a secret from him but also don't see the benefit in telling him.

I think currently it's nothing and your dh probably won't care but if it comes out later down the line I think he'd be hurt.
If only due to thinking people knew and he didn't.

Surely it's nothing to do with your dh?

It happened before you met him so not his concern?

Yes offside, this is my issue. I have had unfaithful bf in past and that was one aspect that hurt me, knowing that others knew before me. Not that this is the same as no cheating has gone on but it's just not a nice feeling all the same. I think I will tell him. I would rather him be upset with me now than further down the line. I know it will change things between us potentially but I couldn't stand it if he found out from someone else.

I agree imatter but I know I would not like it if I invited someone to my house and later found out that my husband had slept with them, even if it was 20 years ago.

I think you have no choice but to tell him because other people, like the flings wife might know and if it ever came up in a tipsy conversation and your dh didn’t know, he would be very upset.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar.

"Oh my god H! I had this feeling that Fling Guy was familiar but because he's changed his clothing style/career/gone bald I didn't realise, but I had a brief thing with him at Uni!"

Then let the conversation develop naturally.

If I hadn't been in friendly contact with an old FB already I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting them to my home.

Ummm...I am genuinely not sure if I would recognise a ONS from 12 years ago

Are you sure fling guy actually remembers you?

I probably wouldn't raise it if it were me, there just doesn't seem much point. But equally if it's playing on your mind and you'd feel more comfortable if your DH knew, just tell him. It's not a big deal. It is not like you cheated on him or something, it was way before you got together!

i agree with offside, next time you spend time with fling guy, once youve left with DP make it out as you have just realised/recognised who he is e.g 'oh my god, i cant believe this, i knew i recognised him' giggle in 'shock'. your DP will understand that you had a life before him and 12 years ago is a long time its believable.

Ah peanut, I wish I could go down this route but I am a terrible liar and dh knows me too well, I wouldn't be able to do it convincingly, I would so do this though if I thought I would be believed!

I am 100% sure it's him, we were at same uni and used to bump into each other every now and then, nothing awkward but there is no way I've mistaken him for someone else.

Bird, yeah this is the scenario I'm worried about. No one would ever intentionally bring it up but if someone had a moment of indiscretion after a drink then it would be too late to fix.

Thank you clockwork, I do need to remind myself it's not a big deal, and was years ago and not cheating so I just need to come out with it really. Just need to get the courage up!

Deadbod, nope not posted about this before, must be a common issue 😂

I would still tell him, better off finding out from you than fling guy. just be honest, that you didn't think it was relevant at first, but now you'll be seeing more of him you didn't want any secrets. hopefully he will understand. hope all goes well , if not have yourself a

I don't think you should tell him. It was meaningless and nothing to do with your relationship. It may sour things needlessly.
It's irrelevant.

Tell him but also completely lie. A drunken snog and fumble...can't really remember...thought I'd mentioned it before...you were obvs too pissed to remember...Oh well.

Tell him. It's strictly none of his business but if he finds out from someone else in 6 month's time he'll wonder why you didn't tell him in the first place. As you were cheated on you'll know the value of openness and that's why you feel you should tell him. Why not explain all this to your DH when you tell him about the fling?
You sound lovely by the way

Tell him because he's your friend and you don't want to hurt him. That's all.