To tell DH about fling with his friend

[decisiontobemade]

This could be outing so have namechanged. The back story is I had a one night stand with a guy in my first term of uni, 12 years ago. It was a drunken fling (barely managed to have sex from what I remember), we didn't exchange numbers and just said hello to each other if we saw each other on campus. What I would class as totally no strings.

I got together with my husband, who attended the same uni 5 years ago, we got married last year. I was unaware at the time he was friends with fling guy. It emerged about 3 years ago that they were loosely still in touch and DH went to a bbq at flings house (I genuinely couldn't make it). At the time I did some subtle probing about how much they were in touch and it turned out barely, and it was the first time they'd seen each other in years, and DH suggested that he would probably not see him for another 10 years so I thought there was no reason to tell him.

Last year however we ended up going to another bbq where they were. I didn't say anything as we were having a bad time with family issues at the time. Now some people in his group are trying to include fling (and wife and 2 kids) in more stuff that we do. DH has also brought up inviting them to a bbq later this year.

I feel like I need to tell him about what happened now, especially as he wants to invite him to our home, but also that he will be more included in gatherings in the future. What would people do?!!!

My gut instinct is to tell him, we have a good relationship and I know it would hurt him to find out from someone else, but a small part of me thinks let sleeping dogs lie. I have no idea if dh or anyone else in group knows about the fling and doubt they would let slip if they did.

Personally I think this is a total non issue. So you had a bit of a drunken fumble with someone before you got together? So what? Tell him or don't - it doesn't matter, it's nothing.

It would be something if op's partner was inviting a woman into his home he'd shagged/fumbled some time in the past - and didn't tell op.

I think I will tell him but say it was a drunken fumble rather than a one night stand as someone else mentioned. This way if it ever did come out he would at least not be clueless about it, and a 'fumble' is a bit more palatable than 'no strings sex'...
Thank you buffalo 😊 he's my best friend and so hope I'm doing right by him! I hope he takes it well, I can imagine he will be a bit off with me and not really be best pleased about it, he wouldn't be angry I don't think though, just sore.

You had a drunken shag with someone seven years before you started going out with your husband? Not really worth mentioning.

Sorry leaving, I agree with springy. If it weren't for the fact that they knew each other then I agree, it's no one's business and not relevant. But the way things are going, for all I know 'fling' and his family might become regular visitors, kids might become friends as they grow up, we could be 10 years down the line and then it could come out of nowhere. That's what I would like to avoid.

Does it matter so much?
I would just forget it and if it ever gets mentioned just tell him it was an unmemorable drunken fumble .

Sorry just seen rest of thread and fumbling has been mentioned already

First of all I thought don't tell him but have changed my mind! Flings wife might know and it would only take her to fall out with you for some reason and she could bring it up. So prob best to tell him and he's then prepared if it crops up. You could make out that you weren't sure at first as so long ago. Good luck whatever you decide OP.

Just seen yr update OP. Yes if you say drunken fumble then more palatable to dh. It's not nice for him to imagine you and his mate together everytime he sees him.

If you raise it now then don’t you run the risk of making it look like it’s an issue for you?

The past is in the past and changes nothing. Leave it there.

Absolutely unnecessary to tell him. Many years ago before I met DP I slept with a couple of people my DP is now loosely friends with. It would just upset him to bring it up, so I don’t. Of course, if he straight out asked me i would tell him, but we don’t really discuss past partners so I doubt it would ever come up.

Do you think your partner would be upset if he found out from someone else Sloth?

#SlothSlothSloth

I had the same situation you describe and have done the same as you.

I think it would actually affect the loose friendship. I can see my OH backing off the friendship. We're both married with kids.

The fling happened around 25 years ago.

He and I are the only ones who know and none of us will be saying anything.

This is such a non-issue, I can’t see why it would warrant a dramatic reveal or even mentioning at all.

From your title, I thought you meant you’d cheated but this is just daft. I’d be and if I were your DH and you randomly volunteered this information; it’s ancient history and has no bearing on your life. Just my two cents.

I wouldn't even say it was a fling, it was a shit one night stand over a decade ago, you are way overthinking this. Definitely doesn't need to be mentioned, unless you are the type of couple who discuss exes in detail and I guess some do. My partner socialises with a lot of my exes when we are out and doesn't know they are exes, likewise the other way round probably.

No I wouldn't tell him.it might make him feel uncomfortable and ruin the friendship.and maybe wonder if there was more to it

I wouldn't say drunken fumble. For some reason to me it sounds like unfinished business. I'd just say I had a 'thing' with him years ago at university and if pressed yes we shagged but it was crap. Fumble sounds more sordid to me. Not sure why though.

No point in telling him not that it matters what you did 12 years ago.
The fling won't want anyone to know so your secret is safe.

Most of us have done daft things, try not to let this one off occurrence spoil your life.

I don't think it matters either way. It was 12 years ago and a long time before you got together with dh. Tell him if you want, don't if you don't want to. It has no bearing whatsoever on your life. I think you're over thinking it. I'd probably tell my dh just as I would any anecdote about a person we had in common, we'd laugh about it and that would be that.

DH and I went to the same uni but got together 10 years after graduating. It was a fairly small, close-knit campus, so he would remember most of the people I slept with if it ever came up, and vice versa. We are both still vaguely in touch with some of those people, but there's no awkwardness, if you get together with someone in your late 20s or 30s you know they've had a past.

What if the fling was also invited on your annual camping trip that you do as a group? Someone else in group suggested this. I just can see him becoming more and more part of our group (now most of us have kids and do kid orientated things). @Choccywoccyhooha would this change anything for you? If he became a closer friend of your oh, and not just a loose friend?

@Sisterlove interesting to hear someone who has been in this situation! Did you ever feel tempted to tell him. Like if your oh was inviting him round to your house, etc?

Rebecca I think you got the wrong end of the stick, I don't regret to fling and don't really see it as a daft mistake, just part of my past. It's not keeping me awake at night, but my dilemma is that if this guy now becomes a closer part of our friendship group and oh somehow finds out later down the line he may wonder why I didnt tell him sooner.

I'm not trying to turn this into a drama, just a genuine question about what would others do and if they think their partners would not be bothered finding out through someone else. Atm I think oh would be hurt if he found out from someone else, that's my issue.

OP, do you generally talk openly about relationships/encounters before you were together? If your a couple who avoids this topic, I think reasonable to leave it. If you are generally fine with discussing previous sexual partners, I agree you should probably tell him. Hopefully any discomfort/upset will be brief.

*you're

Fuckme, no we don't openly discuss this. Also oh was in a very long term relationship whilst at uni and after. So whereas I had a few serious bfs, and people I was seeing over the years that he knows about (and flings / ons don't get brought up at all), he was with one person over same period. Think that's also why I'm not sure how he would take it finding out later on. I would be fine if he told me if it was flipped, but then I'm not exactly a virgin 😂