To tell DH about fling with his friend

[decisiontobemade]

This could be outing so have namechanged. The back story is I had a one night stand with a guy in my first term of uni, 12 years ago. It was a drunken fling (barely managed to have sex from what I remember), we didn't exchange numbers and just said hello to each other if we saw each other on campus. What I would class as totally no strings.

I got together with my husband, who attended the same uni 5 years ago, we got married last year. I was unaware at the time he was friends with fling guy. It emerged about 3 years ago that they were loosely still in touch and DH went to a bbq at flings house (I genuinely couldn't make it). At the time I did some subtle probing about how much they were in touch and it turned out barely, and it was the first time they'd seen each other in years, and DH suggested that he would probably not see him for another 10 years so I thought there was no reason to tell him.

Last year however we ended up going to another bbq where they were. I didn't say anything as we were having a bad time with family issues at the time. Now some people in his group are trying to include fling (and wife and 2 kids) in more stuff that we do. DH has also brought up inviting them to a bbq later this year.

I feel like I need to tell him about what happened now, especially as he wants to invite him to our home, but also that he will be more included in gatherings in the future. What would people do?!!!

My gut instinct is to tell him, we have a good relationship and I know it would hurt him to find out from someone else, but a small part of me thinks let sleeping dogs lie. I have no idea if dh or anyone else in group knows about the fling and doubt they would let slip if they did.

You sound very bothered about putting the best possible gloss on it to your DH because he will potentially be upset. This sounds a bit much to me - is he usually a bit antsy about your past, not liking the idea that you’ve slept with people other than him, etc? Because otherwise I can’t see why it needs this level of finesse putting on it.

Also it’s unclear whether you’re concerned about why your DH will think or whether you are yourself a bit uncomfortable with having this guy integrated into your friendship group. If it’s the latter then can I ask why exactly you’re uncomfortable having him around ? I can’t imagine anyone else gives the slightest fig about your very brief shared past.

I'm in this situation. Kind of. I had a fwb back in the day. Dh knows. From time to time we find ourselves on a night out with fwb and his wife. Me and his wife always chat and generally get on. She has told me very personal things about her. I think, oh good that she sees it for what it was and it doesn't bother her etc. Only I found out during the last night out that fwb has told his wife nothing at all. Everyone else knows. I now feel a bit sly; that I'm there being all chatty and friendly and she doesn't know I've had sex with her husband.

If the roles were reversed I'd want to know. I'd feel like a right twat. I wouldn't have got so chatty with this wife and would have probably kept a bit of distance if I'd realised she wasn't in the know and accepting of the situation.

Do you think your partner would be upset if he found out from someone else Sloth?

I think he would be no more upset than if I told him. We don’t talk about these things so it would actually be pretty jarring for him for me to bring it up out of nowhere. It might make him think it’s something he SHOULD be worried about.

Also maybe this isn’t your situation, but I’m pretty much 100% certain no one i know would ever tell him. Only a handful of people know, if they even remember; and I just don’t know anyone at all who would ever tell my DP something like that for no reason. The group just isn’t like that. It would be a totally mental thing for someone to do.

However, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind to tell him, and you know your relationship best, so do whatever you think is right. I don’t think it will be a massive deal either way tbh, unless he’s a very jealous type, in which case you have bigger problems.

Show him this thread - done. There’s no doubt about your intentions, and he can see the agonising that has gone on.

I think by telling your dh it seems as though there’s a lot more to this than there actually was.

Do you still fancy fling guy??

My advice would be nit to say anything. It’s not a secret, just the past.

I don't fancy him at all, I didn't particularly fancy him then, think the feeling was mutual and explains why it went no further after that night. Husband has never shown a particularly jealous / possessive side. When we have bumped into my ex (who I was with for a few years and lived with) he has just been polite and left it at that. It's never been an issue for us. I think it's like canwejustrelax said, I think I would feel like a twat if this was flipped and I had been pally with someone, inviting them over for bbqs etc and then found out my dh had actually slept with them. It's not the jealousy or thinking that they might start an affair or anything, it's just the feeling that others knew and I didn't.

Just to add, fling guy does seem like (and did back then) a nice person, easy going etc, just not my type.

I'm in a long term situation like this. We didn't tell our now respective partners. No conversation but I did check with the years ago fwb if his now wife knew, before I decided not to tell boyfriend.
He already knows my exes, some close friends of his and vice versa, but not friends or even see his exes tbf.
Nothing is going to change the past though and why put those weird feelings onto our current and hopefully life-long partners?

Yeah, just tell him. Bet he's fine.

Stereo, I did toy with idea of getting in touch with fling to ask about who knew. As I am the 'plus one' from their uni friendship group I don't know what might have been shared in the past, and if his wife knows.
He is now on a fb messenger group for bbqs and catch ups so I could easily send him a message, just worried incase it pops up and his wife sees it before him.
Ideally this is what I'd do just to check and if he was sure no one else knew and that they would never let slip then I would 100% leave it and not tell oh. Do you think it's worth getting in touch with fling?

Sisterlove interesting to hear someone who has been in this situation! Did you ever feel tempted to tell him. Like if your oh was inviting him round to your house

I wasn't tempted to tell him. I was a bit shocked that someone I knew from way back now knew my DH.

They aren't close friends but are on a whatapps chat group for a shared interest.

They go out as a group a couple of times a year.

But.. I was a bit floored or taken aback when I was organising DHs birthday party and he asked me to invite said fling. I cringed a bit because of our history ....DH knows I knew fling years before him...but would be put put if he knew we had a thing going.

The party wasn't in our house though.

In my situation the fling also knows my family members to the same extent he knows me (at least they think its nothing more) and people see us all as friends (not close) - nobody knew about our fling for a good reason.

So we both know nobody else will ever say anything.

OP - you didn’t have a ‘fling’ with this man - you had a drunken ONS -and at the time your just got to uni and experienced freedom.
Fling would imply a number of interactions, not a one time thing.

You don’t even remember well if you had proper sex or just fumbled.
I can more than guarantee that the man concerned doesn’t remember either.
And - why would any of his friends know anything - where there isn’t anything TO know.
He probably went on to have many many similar experiences like that.
That first term of freedom is a blur to many people.

Anyway - this molehill is now an Everest in your head. Unless something else is going on.
So - just tell your H - that you know it’s not a big deal but it bothers you and you need to tell him that you had a drunken encounter you can’t remember well with this guy ages ago.

Wow that was long. Got to add I wouldn't want to get quite as close as going on camping trips. Is feel uncomfortable and fling can be something of a flirt/charmer, so I'd not like to place myself in that situation were something could happen.

Tell him. It's strictly none of his business but if he finds out from someone else in 6 month's time he'll wonder why you didn't tell him in the first place. As you were cheated on you'll know the value of openness and that's why you feel you should tell him.

^I agree. You should tell him before he finds out from someone else.

You're making this into more than it was. I'm pretty sure my now ex had something with a couple of peopl3 we socialised with occasionally. I wouldn't expect him to have told me and if I had found out then it wouldn't have bothered me.

I think either stop thinking about it or tell him.

Let sleeping dogs lie. I think this could be one of those situations where you tell him and then really really wish you hadn't. I think safe to say fling guy is probably also happy leaving it on the quiet.

You were a kid at uni, another time & place and your past is yours.

But if you have the type of relationship where you told each other of everything you did previously, then you have to spill.

It’s all getting a bit drama llama now. Don’t start some kind of secret squirrel covert messaging of him, that really would put your DH out if he found out about it because he might wonder why you were seeking for reasons to strike up a private contact with this guy.
Just tell your DH, downplay the significance (drunken fumble not fling fgs !) and move on with your life. I guarantee that nobody other then you cares.

Yeah, don't secretly message him. That looks like you're trying hard to cover your tracks, make sure nobody finds out, when there's nothing to hide.

Either brazen it out of it ever comes up - oh didn't you know that? Yeah one night, too drunk, x years before I met you, don't remember much.

Or tell him, didn't think it was relevant before but now we're spending more time with him, wanted to let you know. Not sure if he remembers etc.

Definetly don't message him. That just looks dodgy.

I can understand you not wanting to get all apply with him and his family. That would be too close for comfort.

Glittery, do you think it make any difference that I did know oh then, I met him at roughly same time, but we didn't get together til years later.

I know I would not like it if I invited someone to my house and later found out that my husband had slept with them, even if it was 20 years ago

This is a most bizarre attitude.

I don't know why you didn't just tell him when the 'fling' (not my definition of a fling btw) person first appeared on the radar as one of his friends? My DH and I met at work, he had slept with a couple of other people at work in the past and was always open about it. It's not an issue. You've sort of made it an issue by not mentioning it straight away and now again by agonising about telling him.

There's no reason why your DH would be bothered about the 'fling', it was way before your time. I see one of my DH's fling people practically every day and it barely enters my head that they slept together because it's such a non-thing in relation to our marriage.

You should have told him straight away, that would have been the normal reaction in my opinion. But you didn't, so tell him now and explain that you felt awkward which is why you never said anything earlier.

OP either tell him or don’t, it will make not a bit of difference to anyone! This “oh but what about this element of the situation, what about that element” is getting you nowhere. I wouldn’t tell him, but you obviously want to, so just get it over with! If he’s a reasonable person his response will probably just be “Oh. Um. Okay then.” And you’ll never hear of it again.