Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some of us have exceptionally good theory of mind.

Ironically, sometimes due to having grown up with undiagnosed autistic parents who made us suffer if we didn't constantly dance attendance on them. But also due to being expected to understand allistic people the whole time without any explanations, while a lot of them experience no pressure - let alone an equal amount - to understand us.

I've been lurking on this thread a bit because of my abuse by other autistic people, and ordinarily would add a bit to show that - due to those experiences - I do know where people are coming from on this. I don't have time right now. But I can't let that one pass.

Poor theory of mind is yet another thing that anyone can have, with a higher incidence amongst autistic people than in the general population, sure, but it's not what autism is.

It's not selfish to point that out, given that some people who've struggled with the specific autistic traits possessed by those around them are themselves autistic. Not everyone who's suffered due to someone else's lack of diagnosis/support/self-awareness is allistic.

The conclusion I've come to in the end is that someone being not right for you due to a disability is no different to them not being right for you for any other reason. I don't understand why there's this idea around that it is. Maybe it's lack of awareness/visibility of the range of disabilities that exist; something that affects someone's personality is going to be different, relationship-wise, to something that affects their mobility, for example.

But it's clear that it's drawing in, and causing a lot of suffering to, vulnerable people, both autistic and allistic. It's ok to leave someone - or turn them down - because of something they can't help. Or because they've changed, long-term, into someone who takes more from you than they give back.

I agree changer on the numbers of diagnoses being higher but not necessarily the number of people with it increasing.

Chatting with my mum recently about DS and his assessments, and it became glaringly obvious that my DSIS has many of the same traits, and was exactly like DS as a baby / toddler irt behavior and how it presented. My dad also said he'd wondered a lot whether he was on the spectrum too given what he finds awkward.

There's definitely patterns on DHs side too - however I do find its a generational thing. My parents and the ILs are in their 70's and 80's and don't really 'do' emotional connections or empathy - I suspect this is more to do with how they were brought up

Electra this isn't a dig, just an observation. One of the most irritating things about DW is that she will make up her mind about a third of the way though s sentence, then just not hear the rest. Today it was choosing doors!?! She also tends to imply things where the communication was very explicit. I know reading through a ton of posts is hard work but you seem to be reading things that haven't been written.

*I also agree with the idea that having grown up with a narcissistic parent is an example of a vulnerability that could lead someone to not be able to identify that they need to get out of a relationship. And that that doesn't mean autism = narcissism.

Electra But nobody is or has linked autism and narcissism apart from you, twice now. Others, me included, have gone to lengths to explain that we don't think they're linked and why. You'll see that any time they've been mentioned relates to the partner's experience, not the motivations of the partner with Aspergers. In fact most of us would find it easier if the behaviors we deal with came from horrible people. What makes it so difficult is that they don't.

And time and again posters have said they know that everybody is different. If you look at posts about our partners, we've almost all directly said it at some point. If you read my post (and many before) you'll see I absolutely agree that not everybody with Aspergers/ASD is the same, in fact I was asking you why you think your singular experience is more relevant than those of the people we live with, or more pertinent than our experience of our partners, given the thread title. You're entitled to your experience, but it's only your experience. I would question why you need to be on here when the thread is for "partners of". Are you here to read about how we experience things to try to understand more? Be curious, ask questions, read silently? Or are you here to tell us how it is? If it's the latter, then how does that work when "if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism"?

Also, crucially, the thread isn't about "autistic people". The thread is for partners of people with Aspergers. If the thread/thread title was about "autistic people" or "Aspergers people" I'd have reported it to MNHQ. It's about our experiences.

To those of you worrying about DCs with AS, I have a stepdaughter with a diagnosis who was the most difficult small child, but who has grown into herself now as a 30 yo+ adult and who is just all heart, and honesty, and integrity. A beautiful soul.

I think that possibly I have interpreted 'maybe there's a link here' the wrong way.

somewhereoverthrainbutt

Beautiful post. Thank you.

'I would question why you need to be on here when the thread is for "partners of"'

You can't tell people not to post on a thread. It's not 'for' just you. And I think sometimes it helps to know that men and women on the spectrum can present quite differently.

No one told you not to post @Electra. They said they were curious as to why you were here rather than on a "people with Asperger's" thread as this one is directed at "partners of..."

If anybody is reading this thread worrying about their diagnosed children having relationships, don't. The majority (if not all) of posters are here because they are seeking support dealing with a partner with Aspergers who was not diagnosed in childhood.

This is crucial (in terms of intimate adult relationships) because from an early age it lets the person know that not everybody thinks like them. Many people with autism of any type do not have theory of mind (according to a poster above, and I accept the correction, some do). This inhibits understanding that another person might hold other ideas about the same issue, as well as why they might. Not knowing this makes intimate adult relationships very difficult for the non-Aspergers partner. It doesn't make the Aspergers partner horrible.

I really hope this thread won't end up the way it was forecast at the end of the previous one. There is very little support for people in our situation. As most of the posts by partners in our situation indicate, it's much needed.

'No one told you not to post @Electra. They said they were curious as to why you were here rather than on a "people with Asperger's" thread as this one is directed at "partners of..."'

Yes which pretty much amounts to the same thing. 'Stop posting on our thread' and if you read my posts you'll see I had many of the same problems as some of you with my own Aspie husband.

Anyway I don't have anything further to add.

Electra if you read this and the previous thread, i think you'll see that it's known here that men and women present differently. We also know that not all women and not all men present the same either. And you've pointed that out yourself too.

I didn't say not to post, I asked if you were posting to learn about us or to tell us about your personal experience of autism on a thread for partners.

‘But the point is that living with someone who has grown up undiagnosed and was undiagnosed at the time of marriage IS horrible. Once there's an understanding in the person with Aspergers that not everyone thinks like them (the whole issue with not having theory of mind) that they can't understand alone because the condition means that's exactly what they can't see, there's a chance for things to be different (if they choose). ‘

In this post you have generalised about people with AS. Then, you decided I’m obviously exactly like your husband. Even though you’ve never met me and you don’t know what I’m like to live with.

For these reasons I feel the need to say what I have. If you think my autism means that my opinion is obviously not relevant here then that is up to you. I just find it quite funny that people with AS are so often labelled as having no empathy. Yet when we get frustrated about generalisations made which cause stigmatisation about autism on a daily basis I don’t see much empathy from others about that. Which is ironic.

Yes Electra. 'There's a link there' didn't refer to the person with ASD, it referred to the person who chooses to spend their life with them. The person who has a low expectation of their own needs being met, as a result of having a narc parent.

You've given us some insights, Electra, and personally I don't want you to leave the thread.
However, please try to stop challenging people about their own experiences. That is what this thread is about. Our experiences.

Electra I very clearly was not referring to everybody with Aspergers, but a specific group within that in specific circumstances (long term, intimate relationship).

Maybe it's difficult to read posts on this thread and feel yet again, people with Aspergers/ASD are being attacked and made out to be horrible people and that those people's own suffering isn't being taken into account.

Speaking only for myself (ie not generalising), I have suffered greatly because of a relationship with my DH who is extremely kind, but has very little empathy and can't see what someone else may be thinking unless it's pointed out to him, Every. Single. Time. Who married me then decided he didn't need to touch me very much ever again, without being able to say why (masked his issue with touch). However, my experience of that does not mean his life is easy. It does not mean that he wants to wave a flag saying "I have Aspergers" because he knows that there'd be stigma attached to that. In fact that's partly why he doesn't accept he has it all the time. My difficult experience of living with him does not nullify the tough time he had through adolescence and university years. It doesn't make it easier for him to make friendships now. All those things are just as real as my experiences of being unintentionally ignored physically and emotionally, talked over, hearing "No" to everything I ever suggest, being wrong about virtually everything until/unless he's experienced it, losing lots of money in the housing market because making a decision is too difficult and losing any ounce of spontaneity in my life. The two experiences can and do exist simultaneously. As does the fact that he's a kind person.

I also have not asked you to leave the thread, but yes, I did point out that the thread, like all, has a title indicating something. It's a gathering of people who happen to have a difficult experience of something almost nobody else, therapists included, have any idea about. There are lots of books and sites and even threads about autism in general, as well as Aspergers/HFA specifically, but far less so about our situation. That is why this thread is here.

Changerofname - yes I do understand what you are saying. I really do. I’m not trying to challenge anyone’s experience, honestly - I’m sure the difficulties you have with your partners are happening. I think that my main concern is people reading this thread who know nothing at all about autism (which will happen because it’s a public forum and not a private group) and concluding that autistic people are all terrible partners etc. And at some point someone had posted ‘x read this thread and then left her husband’ I don’t think I explained that very well though.

Daftasabroom - if I had posted on this thread without saying I have AS I very much doubt that you would constantly be saying that I am exactly like your wife.

I have said it once, in one very specific way. Certainly not constantly - you're taking one phrase and exaggerating it.

Please try to read my post, the point I was trying to make is that when a person totally missinterprets a comment to fit a preexisting idea, seemingly without any attempt to try understand the writers or speakers point of view it makes discussion impossible.

I seriously do get more than enough of that crap at home.

I hope that most NT readers unaware of AS would be able take an overview of the whole thread.

Yes, thank you I have read your post and what you’ve done is to use my AS to discredit my opinion.

‘I hope that most NT readers unaware of AS would be able take an overview of the whole thread.’

This isn’t about NT readers vs ND readers. ND people are very often in relationships with other ND people. Which was the point of my original post on the thread actually.

Can we just move on please?
Let's stop telling each other we are wrong. Just let each other speak.
If you don't like something, don't respond to it.

Changerofname, that is the most brilliant summary.

Changer I think you nailed it.

I'm still with my in laws. FIL (undiagnosed but undoubtedly Aspergers) has been so stressed with grandkids around and we've been trying to keep them quiet etc but they're kids on holiday and excited to see their grandparents. His OCD breaks my heart every evening (checking doors and windows are locked). It is worse when he's been more stressed by the kids.

My DH who finds his father exhausting (ummmmm hello?!) took himself off for a four hour bike ride this morning to get away from us all..leaving me to deal with everybody. Then he came back and he turned into food micromanager stepping in to check that I'd fed the kids the correct breakfast (he knows not to ask me so he asks them what they had).

Got a dinner tomorrow with the extended family. It's so hard because it's all in another language, DH doesn't like socialising with them because he doesn't like socialising and he thinks they don't ask him enough questions about him... And there are at least three people present, sometimes more, who have (almost definitely) Aspergers too so the jokes are not always, well, funny, and for me trying to translate them I basically end up laughing at things I shouldn't and not laughing when I "should". And to be clear, it's definitely not a lack of language skills as over the years I've double-checked. It also means there aren't enough people to hold a conversation up. A topic will be started and run dry or someone will simply interrupt with something totally unrelated. The person interrupted gets irritated, but suppresses it and then ultimately the same thing will happen to the interruptor...

Just painful all round.

I find when I'm here I have to dive underground and kind of hide inside myself. I can't have emotions because it freaks everyone out. I got hit in the head full force by a car door last year and nearly collapsed/blacked out. I was dizzy, in pain and cried (not howling, but tears were rolling!). Everybody upped and left: too much emotion for them to deal with. This includes MIL who is either conditioned through 40 years with FIL or also has it (she has some relatives with it too). I'm not a crazy emotional person (anymore ) anyway, but it's so hard to pretend a part of me doesn't exist, and it's not getting easier as time goes on. I just want to go home and be in my space and be me.