Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

littlemy your point about previous generations frowning on emoting anyway is spot on - my aunts proudly told me (my mum also has said the same) that she’d never told her children she loved them as loving was about actions and she expected them to just know it.

Emotions were viewed often as things that had to be conquered to get on with doing the right thing certainly in both sides of our family in past generations.

That sounds really tough changer.

I am still away from home but the war of words continues by messages. I have been accused of betrayal because I am so close to my own Lovely dad. Honestly, I have lived with a man who has not been emotionally available for fifteen years and he is offended that I speak to my dad about everything I need to.

Dad is really proud of me and my achievements, DH considers my job lowly because I haven’t got a PhD. I earn more than him, even after ten years as a mostly SAHM, retraining in something I could do anywhere rather than just London based.

DH was going to contact my family to ask them for money so that DD and I could carry on living comfortably in a big house. That isn’t me, I could be very happy (and much better off in a smaller house). When I asked him not to he refused so I confided in my Dad, which is betrayal apparently.

DD often tells me that ‘you are my Grandpa mum’. What a shame that she won’t have the same relationship I do.

Good point, WishI. Whereas psychotherapists would have us feel our emotions, sit with our emotions, express our emotions, share with other people, give it time, make allowances for ourselves and others. A complete contrast with the "ignore and move on quickly" approach.

Box well, I don't consider that betrayal! He maybe feels embarrassed or exposed, but easier to accuse you of betrayal than recognise and own his own feelings...

It's funny how the advice for partners of people with Aspergers is to build a big support network so you can get your needs met outside the relationship. It's a nice idea and I guess can work in certain circumstances, but when getting those needs met goes against what the partner views as the rules of the relationship then you're high and dry, completely isolated. Unless you do confide in people against their wishes in which case you need to brace for the fallout of that. In my case that involves a lot of blame on me and no allowance of why I had to (note: had, not simply "felt like it").

For my physical (touch) needs I get massages. People think I'm a pampered wife. They make jokes about it - for years - and in the past I've just smiled. I'm lucky to be able to afford it, definitely, but that's where it ends. If I don't have a massage once a month, I have would have no physical contact that month.

Obviously when it comes to sexual needs being met then it's a totally different situation too...

@Changer I told my therapist that I go to yoga fortnightly, just to be spoken to and touched with care. My DS came in for a cuddle last night. He stroked my face and held my hand and I know we comfort each other.

When discussing what soothes us with DH he said "just being left alone". :( Makes me feel redundant and unloved.

I have massages too. It is incredibly difficult to build a support network when your dh is vehemently against it. Also people sense that there's something "wrong" with us as a couple; we make them feel uncomfortable. And of course dh can be openly hostile.

Sorry to just barge in with no introduction, btw. I was so struck by ChangerOfName's post. Anyway, for my intro, just read what she wrote.

Yes today at a certain age people expect to do more couple based socialising particularly at weekends but my DH hates it - it is possible though I’ve made a few friends who are single and they have improved my life so much the last few years, so lovely to be able to meet up at weekends and not be trudging around on my own with the children.

In fact I’m more inclined to join groups these days than I’ve ever been as somehow having dc made me lonelier - before dc I was always happy on my own, I am never lonely on my own but my children want to do things and there’s something I find so depressing about trudging around family events on my own - whereas if I meet up with a friend it’s much more fun.

Wish, I'll sometimes tell DW it's difficult to tell whether she loves me or not, her stock reply is she "wouldn't be with me if she didn't love me". I just a blank look of bewilderment if I explain that sometimes I need to hear it said to feel it.

Wish I have lost all confidence in being around other people, I find it nearly impossible to join a group. I'm sure they'll see immediately that I'm not a proper person, that something is missing from me. I know somewhere that that's not logical, but it's how I feel.

I used to be very adventurous. Did a gap year unorganized and alone, lived in different countries alone etc. He seemed to be entranced by that part of me, but looking back I can see it was too challenging for his need of security. It has come out as years of undermining me to the point where I'm "safe" for him so he barely needs to in any major way. He's not trying to harm me, his need for security is primal and overrides everything. But it has harmed me. I don't feel like I'm any use to anyone, that I could have a legitimate place in any group.

And the lack of touch, affection and sexual intimacy has cemented that: to not be worthy of being touched, of being made love to, has degraded something at the base of my self esteem.

I am working on undoing all this with a therapist, but I don't honestly know if I'll ever feel that I'm an acceptable person again. I'd like to hope that he's wrong in how he's made me feel, but the fear of someone confirming it is immobilizing because I am so used to being "wrong" about everything and i couldn't bear to have other people confirm my unworthiness.

change that sounds so awful - i can see why you'd not want to risk it until you are already feeling better. I've been lucky to meet nice people so far.

Change

She's been lovely today.

Sorry to hear if you're difficulties Change, one of the things that I do d very non-AS about DW is that she's actually very gregarious and totally at home in many social situations. We both like clubbing still (once a year! But worth the effort), parties, pubs, gig's etc. Where she does fall over is at significant family events, birthdays, Xmas etc. The more she looks forward to something, the longer she has had to think things through, so the more rigid her expectations and the bigger the event the less likely those expectations will be met.

I do d = is

Change - certain bits of your post resonate here. Not all. It is a hard road.

I think you got it 100% right about him being embarrassed and exposed. The thing is I don’t say or write anything I a) don’t mean and b) I would be ashamed to admit to. He can’t say the same. Who was it upthread that said if you want to see true colours try divorcing, It is really unpleasant - he is writing/saying such venomous things.

Box

Thanks daft, I am finding it really wearing atm. “Everything is my fault, I have destroyed everything, I never listen, his dedication to his work (24/7) is for our future (or Dd’s Now)”.

It is like a stuck record.

Bum. I spoke too soon. Massive melt down. We can't afford €1k for a wedding weekend.

Anyone's aspergers partner consistently defer decisions to u or want u to do their thinking for them ? My H even wants me to decide what he has for dinner - err no and t give him directions to my mum's house who lives and has always lived in the same house/town since we've been together for the last 15 years

Yes Peach, DH cannot decide what dinner will be without input. I had an office full of people recently, he popped in to say Hi and then asked me what was for dinner, would I like him to make it and did he need to buy anything from the food store ... in front of everyone. He is in his 50s - you would think he might have worked it out by now. Obviously his diagnosis means that he wouldn’t think the conversation inappropriate but I did.

All the time Peach DW is demand avoidant which is kind of extreme passive aggressive. Almost any decision is very difficult, which then means that whatever happens is my fault. She argues with everything and rarely has anything positive to say, to me at any rate, and I must admit my frustration can show at times.

The main input my DH has is vetoing certain options, or criticizing after the fact, but if you ask him to actually choose, he dithers and changes his mind, I wonder if that's why he says no to so many things, just reduces the choice set?

I’m in a relationship with an Aspie man. Now early 50’s and recently diagnosed. He seems to lie or exagerate lots. Have any of you had this issue?