Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Changer - that may be worth pursuing. One of the DC has formally diagnosed adhd and asd and DH is really similar.

I have been looking at Different Together and feeling really inspired by the advice that if you like socialising to go and do it.
I'm thinking of classes I can go to in September and feeling quite excited. My life has got really small.

I do think I am dealing with the consequences of a mixture of DH's neurdiversity and other stuff and it has been really helpful to read other people's experiences.

Doing your own thing is so important! It takes the sting out of the other half doing his own thing.

Pickle I did smile at you being caught between the irresistible force and the immovable object

I have a lot of experience in smiling sweetly and 'wondering' various solutions out loud until someone claims one of them as their own.

One of my reactions to DWs behaviour is too drink too much, not to get drunk but to take the edge off things. I've struggled for years. Thanks to this thread I realise that as I try to cut down I need to do it for ME. Trying to do anything for DW will never be good enough because she has such incredibly fixed ideas of how a relationship should be. For 20 years nothing I have done has been good enough. I feel like a complete failure.

Do this for me makes it seem so much more achievable.

Hello...aspie here.
I havent rtft, but was wondering if you lot could help me.

My DP sometimes tell me that he feels unloved and unappreciated.

I do love him. Immensely. And i appreciate how hard he works to make our family work (he is a SAHD to a 9 year old with glue ear, a 4 year old with selective mutism and a 3 year old we suspect to have an ASD, plus aspie me)
But i don't know how to show him that. I have asked him but he says to just give him space. Which i do. But then he complains im not affectionate enough.
Can someone please tell me what im meant to do? Am i missing something?

Hello HRF!

I know that must be tricky. Daft May have a better idea, as I think the male female dynamic may make a difference here. Also he is the stay at home parent, so that's different too.

So, I'd love DH to touch me more in a way which isn't about sex. So brushing my hair (which I find a real turn on and he's never done), sitting touching me on the sofa, maybe with his hand on my leg or an arm around me. When he does touch me, it feels like 'oh, I know, I'll give her a hug and then we can have sex'.

Also, to really look at each other, and really listen. I know that is hard for you to do spontaneously, but maybe you could have a regular time when you sit with him and really pay attention.

Asking me my opinion, or how I feel about something, and being interested in the answer.

Does that help? Perhaps using words to tell him how much you love him, and wish you could express it better. How do you best communicate?

Thanks pickle
The scheduling in time to listen is a really good idea. I am aware i dont always pay attention my mum says im smart enough to know im being awkward, but not smart enough to stop being awkward, which is pretty accurate!

I am actually the one who would like more touching. I cant seem to find a happy medium with it though, and i think thats part of the problem. I either smother him with affection or i completely blank him
I dont mean to, but he says he wants time to himself so i leave him be. Then he says he wants attention, so i give lots of it, thinking thats how i will show him i love him, but i think i might be too full on.

A whopping great big hug - and then just say what you said here; "I love you and I appreciate everything you do". Run a big bath, pour him a beer or wine and take it from there.

I'd probably cry if DW did this for me.

Thanks daft
Thats really helpful.
I actually did that over the weekend, so hopefully im on the right track!

Just knowing you are trying will mean an awful lot!

The thing that seems hard is being responsive to each other. Maybe mentally scheduling some time when you will make a small affectionate gesture, then stop. Maybe every time you make him a cup of tea, or every time you leave the house for example.

Sorry, just meant to add, run the bath, pour the beer, then leave him alone. We all need to decompress, it's not just aspies who need alone time!

I dont actually make cups of tea...he does them all. maybe i should start.

Seeing it wrote.down it actually looks selfish. It just doesnt occur to me to make a brew.

HRF sorry if you have seen this before but it’s been a revelation to me. Advice for both partners in a ND/NT relationship

different-together.co.uk/frequently-asked-questions/

Thanks heather I'll take a look.

HRF you sound so positive, and that is very big deal. Every relationship relies on honesty and communication.

I might suggest that as aspies sometimes find it difficult to put themselves in someone elses shoes, you ask OH exactly what you can do relieve a bit of the monotony of SAH

You sound very aware and very positive - keep at it and you'll fine. All relationships take work from both sides - just don't let it get out of balance.

Sorry that doesn'ti very positive, you sound great!

I would simply ask him what he needs to feel loved.
Running a bath, preparing a cup of tea are all very good points and so is just truly listening or asking him how he feels about something (I’ve just realised I can’t remember the last time H did that!)
But it might well be that it’s something else that would REALLY make the difference for him. Or that he could actually tell you how much space he needs or how much affection he needs so that you are neither withdrawing nor been too affectionate.

I wouod add to that giving him the possibility to have some time for himself wo the children. Being a SAHP is hard work and he will need a break from that too!

Just though I'd cut and paste a couple of the links from the previous thread, starting with the previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers

And this - more than just a linear spectrum:

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Good idea, daft! Not daft at all.

Thanks everyone

hermione i was a SAHP for 8 years. I know how shattering it is, and i try to make sure he gets plenty of time without the kids at weekends, but it means im exhausted on a sunday because ive done saturday solo.

He has kicked off at me today. Because i asked him to look at some of these links ive been given.
Im starting to feel like he doesnt actually want to make this work but i dont know because hes never very clear about anything.

Oh bless you.

I have AS and also I've been married to someone who I strongly suspect has. A lot of what some of you have written I identify with. So what I'm saying is that even when both people are ND it can be problematic. I also think that men with the condition can present quite differently from women.

The issues that some of you have posted are very familiar to me. My ex-DH was closed to changing his mind about anything. He would completely refuse to talk to me when he came home from work if there was something important that I needed to discuss with him and he was tired. My own AS means that I have trouble even identifying my own feelings so in the end the relationship ended primarily through lack of communication.

Electra, really interesting. Yes, the reseárch suggests gender differences implying quite lot of unrecognised and unsupported women, but I hadn’t thought on the effect on a partnership. Thank you..Makes me reassess.

I'm with the in-laws now aka Aspergers Central. It's nice to see them. Nice to see my kids with their relatives.

It's hard to see FIL who also has physical health problems that stress him out, plus be around his grandchildren (he lives them but it's hard for him when they won't sit down and read/watch TV/be very quiet. He has OCD too regarding security. Hearing him counting the number of times he tests the door handle is heartbreaking.

He repeats himself multiple times (as in says the same thing in the same words repeatedly). I'm pretty sure it's related to stress and finding social comfort. People walk out the room or get annoyed (it is annoying!).

I just don't know whether I should mention to SIL who is really irritated by the repeating at the moment that I suspect he has Aspergers. She just found out her brother (DH) and I are separated so I don't want it to appear that I'm badmouthing her family.