Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

A few things there. (I also have a dc who is very probably on the spectrum so I totally get why you are getting sad.)

For one, I didn’t know that H is on the spectrum when I met him so there wasn’t any knowledge of what I was getting into.
And then, the difference for me isn’t that much about conditional/unconditional.

The relationship I have with dc is a parent-child relationhsip. It can be fiery at times, we don’t understand each other all the time but in the end, as a child/teenager, I have the upper hand. He is still supposed to (and is) be looking towards me for guidance and support. H, well, this is quite the opposite. He wants things his way and expects them to his way (unlike dc who expects me to make the final decision in a lot of cases)
Then, with a child, I am independent from him. I dint rely in him for anything. That’s not my role. His role is to rely in me and then learn to be a independent as possible. Dc isn’t there to fill any needs (emotional or physical). In contrast, with H, I am entering a partnership which means I want to be able to rely in him for physical and emotional purposes. Not all the time. But when things are hard (eg in time of illness) for example. Or just because it will make me feel good and will maintain the loving relationhsip (eg by been attentive to my needs, acts of kindness etc...).
And finally re the deep connexion, I dint think I ahve a deep connexion with H. I never have tbh because he has never ever talked about him, how he feels, what is important for him etc.... I thought it would come with time. After all, not everyone wears their heart in their sleeve and not everyone is confortable been vulnerable. But it never happened :( even though I have made myself vulnerable to him (and it has, at times, been used against me)

So yes, a parent - child relationhsip is pretty different than one with a partner and it hasn’t nothing to do with conditional/unconditional.

Thanks for answering. For your son then and mine is there anything we can do, try to teach them or help them understand that they have to do to make future relationships work. One if the things I do now is to tell me son to observe social norms like hello goodbye how are you ect and even if to him its weird just fake it.
Is this going to work in a partnership and if its not truly who he is is there any point. I wont ask anything else after this dont want to derail the thread. Clicked on hoping to read a few tough but keeping it together stories but so far everyones leaving ☹

Tootired, Hermione explains very well.

I also have a son with ASD, and I fear for his future relationships. I rehearse what I will say to any girl who gets serious with him. However, as he hasn't spoken to any girls as far as I know it won't be a problem for a while!!!

We only realised about DH in the last five years or so. So the first 20 years of our marriage I assumed he was cross with me, bored with me, didn't care about me for a lot of the time.

I'm sure you can imagine how hard that is to sustain a relationship feeling like that? Intimacy was very difficult. I thought it would get better one day. Then I realised that actually, this is it.

I've learned how to read him better, and not get upset. I have to accept that he loves me, while not feeling loved, IYSWIM.

Does that help you understand at all? If we had known 25 years ago, things would have been very different.

@tootiredtospeak I think there are things you can do. DH was bought up by parents who were very very big on coming across confident, talking to strangers and guests, serving etiquette etc. DH has learnt all of that so well that people believe he has the best manners in town. In fact people often compliment me on how great it. Come home and he makes no effort at all, not even to chat. In fact the most i hear about him and his life is when guests come over.

There must be a way to make aspie people understand NT way of thinking.

@picklemepopcorn I'm admiring your strength. I've been married only for 10 years with one young child, and just realised this year that he is aspie. Would you advise me to stay or leave?

I'm here 25 years on!

Teach him to listen to his loved ones.
Teach him that people have to give and take.
Teach him to ask how people feel, and believe them what they say.

My DS has learned about expressing affection through babying our dog. I live in hope that he can carry this on into other relationships.

It's ok to ask- I'm happy to share what I have worked on with my DS. I point out to them occasionally what is normal, and what is unusual in my relationship with DH. 'When you get a girlfriend, don't walk out of the room while she is talking to you, she won't like it.'

They notice things themselves now, which teaches them what not to do!

Hermioni that is so true. I have to drip feed ideas.

We're coming to the end of a self-build project, which should be really good fun choosing finishes etc. But we can't seem to confer.

It depends what you want, coatcomfy. Try some different ways of doing things, see if it makes a difference. I have enough, now. I don't need more. I've got used to this level. And DH is better than he used to be, now we've taken the pressure off each other.

After two weeks of living hell, tonight she is so lovely my heart is melting.

It does help thanks. I hope I can help him I want him to experience love intimacy and having a family. I dont expect it will be easy and fully intend to be life coach and relationship coach every step of the way. Maybe if potential partners have an understanding MIL that can step in and listen to the rants knowing only too well just how hard loving him can be that will help.
All the best for your future relationships.

I suspect my DP is an Aspie. We have 2 children and I want to leave him. People in the outside world love him; he comes across as the kindest, most helpful man, I fear people will see me as the devil woman for leaving him.
But, this emotional and physical neglect is making me ill and no matter how much I excuse neglect for the suspected aspergers, it doesn't mean I have to sentence myself to a lifetime of this does it? I genuinely think I have physical illnesses as a product of emotional neglect.

• DP could not understand after DC1 was born, why I deserved the same amount of disposable income as him when I reduced my hours to part-time. There was already very little to go around.

• he believes that cakes and biscuits need to be shared equally and will eat one just to even things out between us.

-he doesn't get his hair cut

-he never buys clothes and accepts hand-me-downs from FIL... he will wear clothes until they have holes in them.

-he never sees the bigger picture. When we took out our mortgage he wanted us to pay astronomical amounts each month so to pay less interest over the years (sensible) bit he hadnt even thought about how we were going to pay for necessities like clothes, general day to day purchases etc!

-he is miserable in his job after 15 years but refuses to leave

-he thinks its ok to pursue his hobbies on my birthday

-took off on an abroad holiday 1 week after my father passed away and couldn't see why I was upset that he'd chosen to do this

• can not understand why he can't keep up his usual social commitments when we have a newborn "just because you can't go out without the baby, doesnt mean I cant." He says.

-Interrupts my funny stories when talking to friends to correct minor insignificant details.

-Regularly drives the wrong way when we're going somewhere and can not talk and drive at the same time easily and will slow down to talk.

-becomes obsessed with random things even when the timing is massively inconvenient.

-has no time management and thinks its perfectly ok to stop me as I'm leaving the house for an appointment to show me a random youtube clip.

• is unable to manage the volume of his voice even when the children are asleep or will decide to strart drilling something at 10pm!

Aside from all this.. he adores me. My head is pickled and he conceals all of these quirks from friends and family.

The cruelty is hard to live with and hes no idea that hes being cruel so I cant even get him to see my point of view. Its like hitting my head against a brick wall every single day... its soul destroying.

Leaving him will be a nightmare as he will just see everything in black and white. I don't know where to start.

Marking place.

And he's stubborn with it. He sees everything as a personal criticism. If I pull him up on something, he sulks sometimes for days. He wss bottle feeding the baby expressed milk last week and allowed her to suck pure air from.the bottle when all the milk had gone (she has colic). I mentioned this to him pleasantly and calmly and he ignored me for 3 hours afterwards. Although I did get an apology on this occasion.

Oh god, the drama triangle. My life, I never knew. I am the rescuer, he is the victim, until I step back and don’t rescue, when he becomes the persecutor.

Oh choc.

If he accepted that he may have ASD, and did some reading/counselling, would you give it time?

I think I was the persecutor sometimes, with my demands for understanding and sensitivity he couldn't imagine, let alone show.

Choc I think you married my DWs twin brother...

Sorry, I should have posted that a couple of hours ago!

Hi everyone,

I'm on a different time zone as I live in Australia so
I wake up and read all the posts every morning.

@tootiredtospeak and others with ASD loved ones- I hear what you say about worrying for your children with a diagnosis and wanted to say I do still love my husband even thought we are now separated. I just can't pretend we have a relationship when we don't. But if I were less emotional, if I didn't want affection or a sexual relationship, if I were happy to mainly talk about politics, i would be happy with him as he also has some great attributes.

The diagnosis of ASD for him is very new and he came from a childhood where he was sent to boarding school aged 8 and his family were/are very uptight- no emotional conversations in that house - ever. I thought his issues were from his childhood (and this is probably a factor too) which is why I tolerated such a long time of obvious issues in our marriage.

By separating I don't feel I am rejecting him as a person, it feels more like me recognising that I cannot be married without a connection as that is essential for me. Maybe one of the key ingredients is not about rejecting him, but just stating clearly what I need - and if he can't give that then it's no-ones fault.

When I began counselling myself, the counsellor immediately suspected ASD in DP and gave me a book to borrow on the topic. It was written for partners of ASD sufferers. DP saw the book in my bag and found it comical that the counsellor and I suspected this, actually howling with laughter. I them read some sections and although he could see aspects of himself, refuses to believe it. We went to relationship counselling with a different counsellor and she kept on implying DP was ASD, I pointed it out to DP, but again he refused to see it.

If he would accept the possibility of ASD and work at being more empathetic, we would have a chance. But he thinks Im barking mad and that he's perfect just the way he is.

How frustrating. I've found myself wondering in the past if it is me who is controlling and inflexible. There's a weird sort of transference that happens. I believe I do all the feeling for the family, so they don't have to!

@Choccheese - I had a similar experience as it was our relationship counsellor who suggested books on ASD and I outright rejected the idea. It was only when I did more research that I realised and accepted the possibility. This website is really helpful and supportive:
different-together.co.uk

My H did some online assessments and that started him thinking.... you could try that maybe.
It is not the same as a formal diagnosis of course.

On he’s always right, we had the following illuminating conversation:

Me. So you think that if I disagree I’m either stupid, ignorant, you haven’t explained well enough ( because otherwise I’d agree with you) or deliberately winding you up. You know I’m not stupid, though there are cases where I am ignorant. But can you not see that, for example, I might be attributing different weights to the different events of your view, hence holding a different position?

Him, No, because if I had explained it adequately you wouldn’t hold a different view. Which is why I have to explain it again. And again, perhaps using different words. Or else you’re just deliberately refusing to se my point of view.

It’s logical. But am I glad he’s not a diplomat. And the result is I no longer talk to him because if we are in accord there’s no more to be said and if we are not we never will be without me changing my view to accord with his, after argument when he goes on and on in order to persuade me.

That sounds oh so familiar orlanda

Him "why do you keep persisting in asking me the same thing about X when I've already explained it?"

Me "because I don't understand / you're not explaining it how I can understand, and I just don't understand why you'd do X in the first place"

Him "Its perfectly logical. You're just having a go at me about my choices"

Rinse and repeat.

little love rinse and repeat...made me chuckle