Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Dh. Undiagnosed HFA. Unless you know him and know him well you wouldn't suspect much

DH's brother. Diagnosed AS
DH's mother. Not sure if she is neurodivergent or just thoroughly nasty. Yes, there's a backstory.

His childhood isn't one for a public forum but he didn't get much in the way of mothering when he was growing up. It might explain a lot though

No, this thread isn't disablist but what it is though is a revelation that it isn't just my husband who acts in a certain way or does things in a certain manner. And yes, it can be out and out exhausting sometimes.

To coin a favourite phrase of my 8 year old (who def. Isn't allowed to be rude about people to their face)

Daddy doesn't think

I was on the original thread a bit, I'm still here, just watching quietly as currently things are good here but I take comfort in recognising us in your descriptions

I was going to name change before posting here but so exhausted i cant be bothered. I lurked and have read this and previous thread but after a draining "discussion" with dp, needed to join in.

I am tired, so tired of it all. I am the parent / rescuer, organising and planning our lives. Dp finds it too hard to even do the basics any more so all 'grown up' things fall to me. I have to take all the resonsibility for everything above his obsession with the laundry and dishes. Finances, childcare, holidays, days out, insurances, clothes buying, kids schools fall to me. If i dont do it, nothing gets down. We have had a couple of quite serious incidents where dp basically lied that he had sorted things out like contents insurance and council tax. He hadnt for 6 monthd but was so angry with me when i found out and did it myself. We were due to go away for a weekend recently with kids. I scoped out all travel options and all he hsd to do was book it. He said i could trust him him to do it and i wasnt to nag. Found out the morning of travel that he hadnt done it and then i was to blame as i hadnt repeatedly checked that he had.

The list goes on.

He was undiagnosed when i met him at Uni and his quirky ways were not so significant as he / we didnt have as many responsibilties and more time.

I love him but am no longer in love with him. Hes a great man but i believe he and i would be much happier if we seperated. He has said as much. He would have all the solitary time he wants without having to think about others and being bothered by my now boring ways of wanting a decluttered home with food in the cupboards.

I / we have tried new systems and ideas to work as partners but he always reverts back to his old ways. He suggested tonight that everything would be fine if i could give him a room of his own with his books. Hard to do in a small 3 bedroom flat with us and 2 dc. He honestly thought it was reasonable to ask me to get rid of most of my possessions and move into our eldest girls bedroom to give him a reflection room. Apparently I am a selfish bitch for not doing so.

Wee onion for me that last comment is an ArSe comment, not an Aspergers one - although it may originate are in an Aspergers place. Still shit for you.

I've been reading the housework and childcare comments with interest. My DH does a lot of housework and a good 50% of childcare. I think in this aspect he is maybe better for the kids than me because of his love for routine. He always wants to go shopping (food) on Saturday mornings, for the things he couldn't get at the supermarket (he comes from a country where you don't buy everything at the supermarket). So he goes with the kids, they stop and get a muffin at the bakery on the way, they go to the park after etc. Now, I hate doing food shopping at the weekend and I would order it all online if it were me. I also don't like routine at the weekend (unless it involves chilling) - it's good for the kids though I think as they're still young.

So people see this guy doing the food shopping, cooking at the weekend, taking care of his kids. And think I've got it made. And I absolutely agree that I'm lucky on one hand, from a practical level. What nobody realises is that he's not doing it to help me out. He's not doing it as part of our "team" (ha!). It's all part of his need for control.

• So he shops because I don't do it properly, I am not good at choosing fruit and veg.
• He cooks because apparently I don't feed the kids properly during the week.
• He cleans the bathroom to make sure it's done properly.
• He takes the kids because I need a break..even when I don't and I'd like to do something fun at the weekend with them.
• other things he does "or they won't get done".

So what am i? Some dirty person who can't bring home the right food, feed her family or manage her kids? All round incompetence there then.

For years I felt utterly worthless. I don't feel worth much now, but at least I know it's him not me.

It happened with care of the children too in general and I'm only now (school age kids) believing that I'm able to do things alone with them and brave enough to try. I always thought I'd make a mistake and go somewhere I shouldn't with them, or I'd have a problem and wouldn't be able to solve it.

And the confusing part about all these things is that he isn't malicious. He wasn't being (or trying to be) mean. He wasn't trying to undermine me. His need to control an uncontrollable life and wife expresses itself in this. A colleague of his mentioned once that he's a micro manager.

I'd read threads in MN about emotionally abusive husbands. I recognised what many women described feeling, but not the traits of their husbands. I wondered if I was in denial, but ultimately I realised, before understanding Aspergers, that he wasn't being controlling to be manipulative. He's a genuinely nice guy, very well intentioned with a good heart.

The whole situation is and has been so sad.

change that resonates - the feeling of never having done anything ‘properly’, it’s funny because if we do something like fill in a form together, DH has to take it over, but then there are huge chunks of life he leaves completely up to me (the only thing he reliably does is cook dinner a few times a week).

who wouldn’t want to be left alone in a room with their books? weeonion hard to be in love with that level of lack of self awareness. Is he Virginia Woolf?

I deleted a paragraph there. All these things are his stabilisers. To take control in an uncontrollable life with an otherwise uncontrollable wife (when we met I was adventurous and living a life that he couldn't believe/understand - I don't recognise myself now). He doesn't feel in control of much (he is actually, but doesn't feel or see it) so he grabs on to these things and holds them for dear life.

However, he doesn't understand fully that that's what he's doing. So his criticisms of me are primarily an inappropriate expression of his stress. If I were actually incompetent, he wouldn't say them. I threaten his strength of hold over these things that he needs so any way possible he kind of subconsciously needs to push me away from them.

When I challenge him and say, "So you think I'm incompetent?" He genuinely has no idea what I'm talking about. Even indirect context.

If he were actually abusive the subconscious motivation would, I believe, be needing to feel bigger than me, needing me to be smaller needing control of me, the shopping, cooking etc would be the road to undermining me. For my DH undermining me is the road to be able to get control of his stabilisers/security blanket.

Btw I don't argue with him about any of this now, I get their importance to him, I don't let him do it all either (although it's tempting sometimes!). He hasn't changed to try and undermine me in another way - there are other ways it goes on, but they were there before these things, so not replacements. If he was abusive, he'd have found a new way to undermine me, because the undermining would be his need.

*Even un direct context (not "indirect" which changes the meaning!)

Oh bloody phone: IN DIRECT!
Sorry!

@changerofname :(

In some ways I can relate to your husband. I have a need to control things (with OCD) because of childhood trauma / stress.

This is one reason DH is good for me. I know he isn't going to do anything too spontaneous. I also like routine for this reason and in some ways I am worse than DH (overthinking / worrying / over packing etc).

He does childcare / shopping / things around the house because I am chronically ill and I need him to. I.e. he needs to cook because I'm not able to / he won't eat otherwise. Especially when I was bedbound, he was required to step up.

It's an advantage that your husband wants to do these things even if what he says / his method isn't the greatest expression in your eyes. I can see the difficulty both ways.

Changer, that resonates with me.

I took all the housework and rushing around as a criticism of me. However, I reframed it and decided that if he wants it tidier, done earlier, than I do then it's fine for him to go for it. I regularly point out that I'll do it later/next week/when it's convenient to me, but he wants it done now. We both feel much better. He has done some soothing vacuuming, , I've woken up slowly and had a couple of cups of coffee.

He also has to walk the dog first thing on the weekend. I prefer to go later and perhaps go somewhere different. But it's always done before I get downstairs. He complains that the dog nags him to go out, but that's only because he has set up the expectation!

I don't try and win his approval, worry about his moods, think that I have upset him. I feel much better for it, and he hasn't noticed the difference . His mood isn't about me, and his emotions are his responsibility to manage.

@pickle I think that's good advice and something I'm trying to remind myself of. And also, sometimes when I think DH is grumpy, he'll say he's an 8 out of 10 on the contentedness scale (10 being ecstatic :D). Have to not give meaning to his facial expressions.

Pickle - we have that mismatch of rhythm that plays into it too. He wants everything done by the time he wants it, or it simply doesn't count as being done (because it causes him stress). But unless I literally march to the beat of his drum, which I did for years, to avoid arguments that drained me and left me feeling absolutely empty, he will do it before me. Then he thinks I leave X to him to do. If I tell him I will do it, but in my own time (I managed to live before I met him after all!) he scoffs..then walks away.

I had to stop doing everything in his timeframe because it was like a constant micro stress that accumulated over the years making me feel ill. There's a great relief in telling him to leave it to me if he wants, mean it and then do it in my own time, if he's left it. And if not, not to stress. There are other things of bigger concern to focus the little energy I have on.

Actually I've been in therapy for a long time to help me deal with this and another issue in my life. I always thought I was lucky because at least I didn't suffer from anxiety. Then I discovered I did, I just hadn't understood what it actually felt like. Or that I was feeling that way all the time, so nothing to compare it to. Now I have times where I don't feel it. The constant stress about doing things in his timeframe or face his arguments was a big, daily, contributor

change I agree with the feeling abusive but not being abusive. This is something that puzzled me a lot to start with. And confused me.

I'm also finding it hard to separate what is AS and what is ArSe.
So when he acts as if he shouldn't be doing more hw, is it ArSe and sexist or is it AS (white board syndrome)? I think sometimes the two conflate when it is to his advantage.

Hermione, if you have asked him, nicely, provided the rationale and helped explain what, when, how, where, why, esp if he has agreed, reminded, nicely, possibly by text and email, and he doesn’t do it, in my view it is ArSe with passive aggression. Unless he gets back to you and explain that it reduces him to a gibbering wreck.. because..

I’ve thought long and hard about this, especially when it comes to washing up.

Found new thread. I have had to remind DH that he is leaving and he has acknowledged it, once the new school term starts (I think it would be better if he went sooner but there you are). He has turned into flipping Disney dad.

Do you know what though, I have been working on a big project at work, working really closely with lots of people, for weeks on end. I came away from a long spell with one guy and thought what a lovely guy, how his wife and children's life must be so very different to mine and DD's life. Not from a romantic viewpoint, just an observation. Thoroughly nice man with no sharp bits and the ability to engage well with people. I laugh far more at work than I do at home.

Just reinforced that although very difficult right now, I am doing the right thing. DH doesn't want to help himself, doesn't acknowledge his diagnosis or the issues it creates at home. No hope at all.

Well i will say that if he is having a go at the dcs for not doing something (eg putting the dishes in the dishwasher rather than in the top, not washing the dishes properly - leaving bits of food on them) and then HE is doing that himself, then I will say it’s ArSe.
And I am refusing to send him an email, tell him nicely etc... because he clearly know that’s what he should do.

Strangely, when he does it, it’s ok (he is in a rush, he is trying to help etc...) but when it’s others doing that (me or the dcs) then we are all lazy

Thebox do you think he's actually going to leave the house? Mine said he'd get another place, hasn't, is stalling, but I can see that a move I to a new place is such a huge change for him, if we're living apart then one of his constants in life, one of his routines (me) will not be there. I can see it would be easier if I moved out. But that's not happening, nor is it able to (it's not me being obstinate).

I wonder now when I see other families looking happy if they truly are. If I see a husband being affectionate towards his wife I wonder if that's just what happens on the outside, if he ignores her at home. I'm starting to understand that there truly are men who want to touch their wives and that it's not only something from chick flicks. But I don't really believe it's a normal thing.

And when a friend mentions cuddling with their husband in bed or something similar, in passing, because it's not a big deal to her, nice as it is, I want to say "You've no idea how lucky you are, I'd give anything for that just happening once."

Not sure Changer.

I am feeling a bit broken today, I have been strong forever but DH has gone away for a bit (holiday) and then I am going away when he gets back. I do love the man I married and still see glimpses of that but I don’t like who he is most of the time. He sees my reactions as attacks not as someone who is reacting to his behaviour.

We are actually quite affectionate, or used to be, at lot of the time but I feel so emotionally distant after all these years that I am now not terribly interested. He used to be very different. “Good morning beautiful” and a cafetière, China cup and milk jug in bed was how I woke up for years and years. Now I find a prepped cafetière, empty cup and milk jug next to the kettle!

I blame his success at work which has allowed him to become quirkier and quirkier and means that he spends 9/10 of his working life alone.

It is a complete obsession and his downfall.

Hello
New to the thread but have ploughed through last one and wanted to join.
Married 20 plus years to someone who thinks he has adhd because of attentional issues and dyslexia. He has really marked processing issues and finds it hard to listen. He gets really anxious about loads of things which can make him really angry and explosive. He finds peopling incredibly difficult and if there are people in the house he has to lie down saying he can’t stand the noise.
I have some sensory issues myself but like being with people and spending time with my friends.
I’m not sure if we are both getting less accommodating as we get older or what. I am struggling with perimenopause and young adult/teen kids need support as they have a combination of dyslexia/ADD/ASC.
He thinks I’m being nasty to him but I feel burnt out. When he asks if these are his reading glasses (he’s had them two years), I said “Eh?” instead of “Yes darling.”
I’m not sure if some of his behaviour is abusive or driven by anxiety but I experience them as controlling.
Young adult kids have started to say “do not tell dad this.... he’ll just obsess and do my head in” or “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

Today has been such a struggle.

First thing DW complains about a lack of family time. But she makes it all so difficult.

I suggest we go out for the day, which is followed by a heated debate over the weather, where to go etc etc. But she wants something to look forward to and can't cope with spontaneity.

After so much grumbling and moaning we make it out the door. She won't let me drive doesn't know the way, and can't believe my navigating. Four wrong turns we get to a country resevoiur for a walk and picnic.

Ensuring drama because the sun is shining and we only have factor 30. Next drama as a cloud appears so what's the point. Then the cloud disappears and we need to move to shade.

Finish picnic and off on out to walk. It's too hot. Too windy. Then cold. Then we've bought the wrong water bottles (She can't drink from plastic bottles). Then the hill is too steep.

After a lovely walk we get back to the car but can't go home because we haven't had a full day out. We stop for a cream tea which turns into another minor drama because she can't have anything normal and thoroughly confused the waiter (just choose something off the menu FFS).

Home and now another strop because we can't afford a second holiday in September.

And I haven't even mentioned the towel OCD.

Daft that sounds thoroughly exhausting.

Heather if he thinks he has ADHD does he not want to get tested to be sure?

We're staying with DM, who is a bit of a narc. We had a stand off this morning between DH wanting to stay in all day because it's too hot to go anywhere, and DM who doesn't mind the heat so can't see why anyone else would. Each is used to their preference being the biggest factor. I weighed in with DH, so we stayed home, sat in the shade, and did various essential chores. Dm goes from being amazed at his work ethic (he cleaned her carpets), and shocked at his quiet refusal to bow to her every whim.