Hello, another one here married to an undiagnosed man. I've read lots of your stories and can relate so much to what you say: the feeling of loneliness, feeling unloved and unimportant. Like many other PP's, I'm also someone who's been dutiful and conscientious all my life.
We've been married for over 20 years, and I am afraid to say things have not improved in all those years. I first knew something was not right after our second DC was born (2 weeks after the due date) and he went back to work the day after because he had important things happening at work, which meant I was stuck at home with a toddler and a new born baby far from any family support. My lovely mum came to stay for a few days to help out, but she had to take time off her job to do so. He couldn't see the problem. It's little wonder I suffered with PND.
Second time was when I was involved in an accident while I was with the DCs. I'd hurt my foot and couldn't drive so we were stuck. I phoned DH at work for help. He was in an important meeting so couldn't possibly help out. I had to ring my neighbour for help - she came and and got us straight away. She's a nurse and took me straight to A&E where I was stitched up and treated for shock, and then looked after our DCs while I was being treated. I have so many similar other examples, which seem shocking in hindsight.
God knows why I stayed with him after those incidents. I think it's because DCs were little, money was tight, I had nowhere to go and I wanted to do the right thing by not breaking up our family.
Now our DCs are almost grown up and we have the house to ourselves most of the time. I am not going to lie, it's been hideous. He hardly bothers to engage at all. All he does in the evenings is drink too much and watch crap tv. He has hardly any friends of his own, never bothers to make the effort to meet them, and doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. In the past I'd absolutely put my foot down and drag him out but now I can no longer be bothered. I've always kept up my own friendships, activities and interests and would much rather do them without having his negative fun-sucking presence to worry about.
He's now got a bad back and has taken to going to his bed earlier and earlier (separate bedrooms) leaving me to do all the heavy work around the house. He can't do anything on account of his back, but he can still walk to the shops for beer. If I sound harsh it's because he has a history of health anxiety and takes to his bed for days even when it's just a cold, so forgive my cynicism for not taking this bad back seriously. If I suggest that I maybe he needs to help and that I have always had to cope when I've been ill or injured he will go absolutely batshit at me for being so callous. I suggested we should get a cleaner in that case. Out of the question (he is also very tight with money)
Does anyone else have the hypochondria and stinginess to deal with? He doesn't realise he is as bad as that, I feel sorry for him in a way , I don't suppose he can help it and I know it must be hard for him with his constant anxiety.
If it weren't for the DCs still at university I would go now.
I am so sad about this all. The man I married was so energetic and loving, or so I thought. I miss affection, human touch, little acts of kindness. One good thing, I've learned to be tough and self reliant. I miss feeling loved so much, but I can't even bear to think about that or I'll never stop crying.