Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

I read a few posts recently about diagnosis and wanted to share my experience.

I mentioned before that my 'D'H was diagnosed about 6 or 7 years ago by Maxine Aston. At the time it was a big deal as you can imagine. I felt so desperately sorry for him going through the whole thing and I felt guilty that I had driven it all somehow...... It doesn't make sense but I felt like it was all my fault and if he'd married someone else he wouldn't have bee there which I know doesn't necessarily make sense.

He went through a long spell of depression after which I thought was probably normal. It really made him question and doubt everything but in a bad way (for us at least).

I often find that he'll completely contradict himself but have me thinking that I'm the one at fault and going mad. He'd go from arguing that she'd made a mistake and he didn't really have Asperger Syndrome to using it for an excuse for horrible behaviour because he had AS and couldn't help it.

Before the diagnosis I thought it was going to be the answer for us. I thought it would either rule it out or if he was diagnosed we'd be better placed to deal with things.

The thing is, while this has been my experience it definitely isn't for other people. I've read inspiring stories of people where one of the couple has been diagnosed and it's really helped them work together and they've ended up somewhere good.

Yes I when I first raised the idea of ASD with DH in the summer he took it like an insult and we didn't talk about that properly again ( other issues and depression going on) . But the other weekend, when talking about his lack of sensitivity to something he said to the effect of "well don't you consider that is difficult for me, if I am on the spectrum!" at the same time as demanding my validation and understanding of some very trivial things.

Well, we're definitely making progress with Relate. DH has now read the book on Counselling for Asperger Couples. It was helpful for me (and him, I think) that this was set as a therapy task, not something I was nagging him to do.

We sat down for an hour or more yesterday and made notes on what he did and didn't recognise in himself from the vignettes in the book. He was able to talk more about some things that usually make him freeze (like why he's only said "I love you" once in 24 years).

The systematic approach (a simple one) helped him to express himself a little. It was as though he recognised dimly familiar objects through a thick fog.

At the same time, it showed me that his processing difficulties are real and seem to be almost as bad when he's not overwhelmed with anxiety as when he is. It could explain why he's never been able to talk to me about these things before, because I certainly never made allowances for this; I assumed he could understand me as easily as I can understand him. Or more easily, as I'm more transparent.

And I learned new things: for example, that he's been unobtrusively tapping his fingers or toes in time with a tune in his head, continuously, the whole time that I've known him, and that there are only three tunes that go round the whole time. Amazing that you can live with someone all this time and not know that.

So I'm joining the dots more & more & we're starting to think about how we can adapt.

MrsSpock that sounds very positive. Could you explain a bit more about the prosessing difficulties please? It sounds really good that your DH is there and he’s trying too and you’re not single handedly doing it all yourself.

Could I ask if your relate counsellor is an autism specialist? I went to relate about 12 years ago and maybe I was unlucky as the counsellor just wasn’t right for me or anyone in an AS/NT marriage.

I thnk it was relate in Derby that had a specialist phone helpline for AS/NT relationships and it was excellent.

Good luck with everything 💐😊

She's not a specialist, @SnapCackleFlop but she's clearly familiar with some of the features and has been doing some reading.

The processing problem is vitally important. DH is very intelligent according to ordinary tests. But when it comes to abstract concepts, especially emotions, it takes him much longer than an average person to process what he hears and understand it. He says it can be anything up to days, or never. And he can hardly formulate his own emotions into words at all. So when he seems not to care, it's sometimes because he hasn't heard or understood and is too far out of his depth. And he couldn't explain this because until he saw it described in a book, he didn't know what it was.

@MrsSpocksSister re-reading my post I’m sorry, I think my tone was a bit snooty asking if counsellor was an ‘expert.’ I had a crappy experience that put me off counsellors who didn’t know about AS - it’s really good that you’ve found someone good 😊

Have you come across Alexithymia? en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/

It was mentioned to my husband when he was diagnosed and sounds a bit like what you’re describing.

What you’ve described is really helpful to read. I often feel with my DH that I’ll say something really clearly and he’ll seem to have heard and it’ll turn out he didn’t at all....... or at least it didn’t register or something. 😕

Not at all snooty. I can understand why you ask. And yes, I've known about alexithymia for at least 25 years but still didn't suspect that my husband could have it, until recently.

It's crossed my mind at times but I've dismissed it, for various reasons (don't want to think he's like his brothers; can see how articulate and passionate he is in many ways; know he's highly intelligent; distracted by other concerns).

Just shows you the power of denial, assumptions and projections. And of having to keep the show on the road with little help.

Hi, I've just been on a thread hasn't been active for a while but Ive just found you and am looking for help! My DH is about to be assessed, but (although I am not a doctor) there is no doubt in mind what the outcome will be. We have been together for 5 years, married for 4, happily for 1. I am no longer a woman or female, i am housekeeper & (mostly disgruntled) drinking partner. we haven't had sex without my initiation in 2 years. I'm perimenopausal so don't really care anymore, but a recent illicit kiss ( one-off, drunken mistake, never to be repeated) has reminded me that a) Ive still 'got it' & b) it felt so wonderful to be desired and have a proper snog for once. DH kisses me like I'm his aunty. I tried to jokily instruct him once but it all got horribly awkward and quiet. Im self employed but nowhere near established enough to support myself, and having spent my daughter's childhood as a single parent, and waited so long to actually commit to the 'right' one (hollow laugh)I am frankly terrified of being alone. Ironically, I spend most of my time alone now as DH works away a great deal. I think that's what is casting a spotlight now; the fact that the is home so rarely but when he is he's here 24/7. I used to feel like these periods of time should be spent making the most of each other and the time we had together. In reality he spends 2 days in bed ' decompressing', and the rest of the time either on his computer, or on his 'special interest', or drinking. He does take me out for meals, but I dread them as he never has anything meaningful to say and has to stick to safe topics like the dog, or GOD FORBID Work. Then he'll drop into this endless, monotonous pomposity that just goes round and round in circles, and I lose the will to live once more.A poster on the other thread said something that hit me.
This resonated with me so much:
He has been left to flounder all of these years without any help or understanding from his family or society.
Imagine what your DD would be like in 40 yrs if she had been given no support by you or her family, school, any employer, doctors and had just been called difficult, attention seeking, cold, shy etc by her family.

DH's mother died earlier this year. She was rampantly AS, if that is possible. He hated her but still desperately needed her when he was a boy. His father was abusive and sounds like he was an extremely conflicted man. They'd divorced when DH was 4. I know in my heart that this is not of his choosing. It breaks my heart to think of him struggling as a boy. So why can't I feel so generous now that he is a man?
God--apologies for the novel. Breathes

Just a quickie - been reading up on alexithymia. By jove, I think you've cracked it!

That's DH to a tee.

Found a test. I scored 6. musingsofanaspie.com/2013/02/05/taking-the-alexithymia-questionnaire/

The AQ test, he scored 46/50, I scored 4/50. This is the crux of our issues, I think. Might be worth a look.

Back in a bit.

@closetoptimist and @MrsSpocksSister there are things you’ve both said that make me feel sorry for our partners with AS. Sometimes it all feels so sad and hopeless (for me it does anyway).

@MrsSpocksSister do you think the Alexithymia and processing issues overlap? Your post gave me a different perspective to see them as linked whereas before I saw the Alexithymia as being about emotions and processing difficulties were quite separate and more a functional thing (sorry, I don’t feel I’m very articulate at the moment 🤦‍♀️🤯.... hope that makes some kind of sense!).

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria, DH and I have just done the alexithymia one. I scored 'low or no traits'. He scored 'high'. He seemed interested in this. Thing is, I've told him about it before. He can't remember that.

I sometimes wonder if he is a narcissist or really is asd. We can go without talking and I love to talk but if we do it is what he wants. I never get a intimate/ loving texts. He does not help around the house but can have a tantrum once in a while about it. If things are too much he disappears into himself and you are just living like a flat mate. He kisses me like he does his mum. He can tell her he loves her but to me he finds it hard. He does have a high powered job but finds it difficult to delegate. I am just rambling so will stop. I am just struggling at the moment.

@SnapCackleFlop I think all the issues overlap. But on standard tests of processing what you hear, the test material is of no personal significance, so I could understand why my DH might appear to do much better in that than he does in a discussion about difficult personal issues.

@Floppywillow ..I feel you. Mine is top dog in a high Testosterone job; when he gets home he may as well be limbless and deaf. And I may as well be Princess Sodding Leya, for all the accessibility. If only I had gold Bikini....NOT

Went to make coffee this morning to find he'd left the back door unlocked again. He'd locked the front one and put the chain on, so it's not that he didn't think about door-locking at all. This is a recurring problem. We used to have a key safe in the porch but I recently took the keys out of it, because he left it open so often.

This has always driven me round the bend and led to our being burgled 10yrs ago. I couldn't understand why he didn't learn his lesson. The explanation that came to mind was that everything we lost of value was mine. He didn't suffer any negative consequences. I dealt with the insurance claim etc and recovering data from laptop, phone and satnav backups. I lost priceless photos & video of DD and our puppy that were still in the cameras, not downloaded.

Another explanation that occurs to me now is that he doesn't connect the front and the back door in his mind. Locking the front is an isolated action, not part of 'securing the house'. When I asked him just now, his reaction was 'well of course, why would you think that's odd?'.

So maybe we can think about how to change that.

MrsSpocks - would it be OTT to put a note on the front door saying "Please lock the back door" and an equivalent one on the back door? Would he take it ok or would he think you were being patronising? I had to do similar when friends came to feed the animals one time - I mentioned in passing about making sure the gates were closed and locked at all times and one mentioned that she wouldn't have thought about it! So I laminated 'Please lock the gate' signs and put them up at eye height on all the gates. Luckily, she wasn't offended!

Things here have been surprisingly ok for the last wee while. We've had the odd moment - over-reaction to something a neighbour did, but then immediate back-down when he appeared, naive trusting of a friend with possible expensive consequences, and an utter lack of trust in another friend. All of which have their roots in the Asperger's. Luckily, he finally seems to have seen another 'friend' for who he really is, and, whilst he is at the point where he makes excuses for his behaviour he no longer seems to be enamoured by him, which is a great relief for me.

It did occur to me, however, that I spend a lot of time supporting him: sorting out work issues, encouraging friendships, talking to his doctor. Probably OTT for a spouse, let alone someone he refuses to acknowledge he's in a relationship with*. But if I didn't life would be harder for him, and, consequently, for me.

(* - I realised long ago that the only reason we've been together for so long is precisely because he finds it so hard to acknowledge, so I've accepted it. He finds relationships hard as he feels trapped, so by not being in one with me means he's not trapped.)

Thanks @TimeIhadaNameChange. We've talked about it and he didn't want a notice but would like something less obvious.

I've hung two small padlocks on the front door chain, to remind him about the back door and the garage door. If that doesn't work I've got another spare padlock the size of my fist that ought to get his attention.

I've also ordered two more books that I hope will contain vignettes, so he can do a bit more of 'yes I'm like that/no I'm not', as it seems to be informative.

@closetoptimist, I've been re-reading your long post and you mentioned wanting help. Is reading the thread helpful? Is there anything we can do?

Closetoptimist I am sure making work calls, looking at motorbikes on eBay for hours or watching top gear over and over again are so much more interesting than me! What does your husband do?

@MrsSpocksSister Yes, the endless work calls! All times of day or night! He was even taking calls and emails on our honeymoon (the one where we didn't have sex once).He works in entertainment, ( behind the scenes). Thank you for reading my ramblings and for your message. I guess what I mean is I need to be heard. I am finding this all extremely helpful; knowing that there is support here and people will actually understand is invaluable. Im not very good at asking for help IRL, and recently I've felt completely overwhelmed with the apparent futility of it all; have you read any books that helped you stop wanting to give up on him?

sorry first part was directed @ Floppywillow!

Hello everyone. I'd really appreciate it if you any of you could shed some light on this. My therapist (who has never met my husband) has suggested, based on my account of events, that my husband has Asperger's Syndrome or HFA. It's really knocked me for six because a) it had actually occurred to me but only in recent times even though we've been a couple for almost ten years. When I said to my H that he might have Aspergers, he got angry and accused me of gaslighting and b) both my brother and father have undiagnosed Aspergers and I've worked with people with Aspergers in the past so I have a really good understanding of it.

However...this is the deal...

My husband is not socially awkward, he doesn't have a specialist interest, he can be spontaneous and doesn't need to have everything planned to a T. Doesn't sound like Aspergers, eh?

However...

He appears to have a very limited ability to see things from my point of view, he seems to genuinely struggle to empathise with me or put my emotions in context, he has child-like temper tantrums, when we got back together after a three year break, the change in routine really really affected him. He would get very very angry at me for changing his routine and was basically like a broken record droning on about his routine. He doesn't pick up on subtlety at all. I have to spell everything out for him to understand. This is all quite extreme. I don't want to make this post too long by giving all the examples.

I was on Mumsnet before and people felt he was abusive. The thing is, I really feel there is a deficit there and he just doesn't fit the profile of an abuser (I'm not minimising or in denial).

Can people who are quite sociable, friendly, outgoing, capable of small-talk and spontaneity still have Aspergers due to lack of empathy, difficulty with change and low emotional intelligence? I've been struggling with my marriage and it's really draining all my energy. I really have to decide if I'll stay or go and I'd greatly appreciate your advice.

Hi Smozzles - I think the adage "If you've met one person on the Spectrum you've met one person on the Spectrum" is true. As has been demonstrated on this thread more than once, Asperger's can appear in different forms.

I often think my DP could be said to be abusive, if I told someone, with no context, some of the things he's done in the past. But to be abusive he'd have to mean to cause me harm, whereas he just doesn't think what he does should have any impact on me at all.

With regards to social awkwardness, if you met my DP you'd probably think he had none, like your DP. However, he's simply very good at putting on an act. I remember turning up at a party he was at (and he really liked someone there, so you'd think my turning up would not be relished (this was before we got together)), to find him on his own in the corner. He made a beeline to me immediately, and from then on wouldn't leave my side. I would have been fine on my own, but he tends to use me as a safety net. Probably not the best plan when trying to get another woman's attention (and before you ask, it wouldn't have occurred to him to try and make her jealous by being with me).

Like yours he does spontaneity and is happy to forego routine (more than I do) though he does have a specialist interest as it were, and will throw himself into it to the rejection of everything else for months at a time. Luckily, he doesn't have a temper (well, he says he does, but I haven't seen it in the 15 years I've known him) but does pick up on subtlety.

Unlike others on this thread he is great at presents, but I identify with the lack of kissing that others have mentioned.

What I'm trying to illustrate is what I said at the start - they're all different. Have you tried doing one of the online AS questionnaires, answering as though he was doing it? It won't give perfect results (especially as you'd be filling in the answers, not him) but it may help to strengthen your thoughts either way. I've done it for DP and 'he' comes out quite strongly. Luckily, for me, he's happy accepting he's on the Spectrum so at least we can talk about it. He's also happy for me to mention it to others when necessary.

Help this may have helped a little.