Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

@IndigoHen we've been quoted a range of waiting list times from 3 months to two years.

Can I ask for help clarifying what is Aspergers behaviour and what is Arse?

I have repeatedly, patiently explained to DH what I need in order to manage life - affection and attention. This could take the form of one date night a month, I'd manage fine if that is what I got.

He has never, in over a decade, done this. He has ALWAYS nodded during our endless and tedious conversations about it.

I suspect this boils down to that because attention and affection don't matter to him he thinks it doesn't matter.

How do you handle it when your partner APPEARS to understand your needs, agrees that they will undertake to fulfil your needs...but, actually, despite time and opportunity, doesn't do it?

I can't decide whether this is him being a dick, or whether it's symptomatic.

Or both.

Could you say, "I'd like us to go on a date next week. Which evening is good for you?" And arrange it. Then it could become more of a routine. I don't think that's necessarily arse behaviour. It's too abstract to say I'd like to be taken on dates in the future (or is for my DH).

It's so hard to accept that he'll never initiate anything!

Ok, good idea.

I'm also looking at short term rents, am considering moving out for a while and seeing whether some clarity helps things. If I find somewhere else nearby then I can think and kids can come and go between us.

Feels a bit daunting and restful at the same time.

Totally understand about wanting spontaneity / him to initiate but it might be something he can't do.

Taking time for yourself might be a good idea. Especially if you are feeling calmer by the prospect of it.

You are, of course, right.

My frustration is that the man who proposed to me was spontaneous. We had so much FUN! And, I swear, the instant the ring was on my finger, it stopped. In retrospect, he was "performing" boyfriend and could't keep it up.

So, I feel a bit hoodwinked - the man who proposed to me is not the same as the man I married. I also suspect he was looking for A Wife, and not necessarily me, just that I fulfilled his check list of suitable qualities and so I got the gig. He gets very upset when I state these things and denies them. I see the evidence, though.

I'm tired of always having to be reasonable and rational and accepting. It really would be nice to have that reciprocated, but, you also have a very good point and if we are to remain married then I have to accept it. And keep on accepting it.

Vivarium I could have written your post. I miss the FUN so, so much. We got engaged & married quite quickly (in under 2 years). Married 8 years next year. The problem is that now I can’t list one great thing about him that relates to me/us. He is very successful at work. But he is a rubbish husband & inept father.

I quite like the idea of a short term let for head space, to see how I really feel. The thing is I don’t want to be on my own with the DC but I can’t live my whole life like this.

A friend asked me the other day if I would still be with him in 10 years. I said it’s 50/50. But in my head I’m thinking ‘I hope not’.

Slump

All of what you guys are saying really resonates with me
I’ve not been on here for a while as I get on with my life /be in denial for a while

Me and DH to all intents and purposes live separate lives . We eat together and sleep together(no sex or affection for 8 years) but that’s it. Very little communication between us - certainly nothing of any meaning
Now DH can’t cope with sleeping with me - as I get up at 6am some days per week.... he can’t cope with my phone - which he has himself turned all notifications off

I think this is his sensory overload/ sensitivity - or am I unreasonable to get up at 6am?
It has come to a head and he’s now sleeping in a separate room. I understand this and it’s probably best for both of us - however I have pointed out we are now essentially flat mates
-as predicted he will never talk about this and will probably lash out / have an outburst soon where I am the most terrible/useless/ abusive person ever

Sigh.....I am sick of ASD. I never signed up for this . I was hoodwinked
Won’t leave because of teenage kids (one has ASD) but this is grim

We also live like flatmates, only, without the polite exchanges.

I pointed out to him that we meet the legal criteria for "a separated couple living together under the same roof". That upset him. So, he was all "want to watch some tv together?" for a week.

Back to normal now.

He isolates himself in our home. He didn't say a single word to the kids this morning, and I doubt he ever does. I'm going to start monitoring that.

I can feel myself leaving him day by day. Someone said it takes 2 years to leave, between first having the thought and actually executing it.

This is terrible, really revolting, but, a friend of mine's husband was very unwell in the summer. Weeks in ITU, all high drama and worry that he wouldn't make it...a bit of me was envious. WTF? I'm a NICE person! I can't say it out loud anywhere but here, but, surely, once you start to crave widowhood it's time to recognise that things are not working?

Awful, amn't I?

@Moffa Kinda lurking on here, you know my story so trying not to write too much as I'm worried I'll influence in a negative way.
But I noted your comment "I don’t want to be on my own with the DC but I can’t live my whole life like this. "
I can only say from my own experience that my relationship with my DD has strengthened 10-fold since we left.
You can do it - you will find the strength.

to all those who've slumped..

imsadness your post about your son taking care of you made me cry.
Probably because I recognised myself and my dcs in there too.

Yip - I am in a slump at the moment
I too have done the widow fantasy thing
On the other hand though my mother died relatively young - so maybe I need to eventually get a grip and change things for me before it’s too late
DH isn’t talking to me since I made the ‘flatmates’ comment but then again there’s so little communication it makes little difference.
He has gone out and he NEVER goes out - think this is a bid to show he is sociable but he has never wanted to go out with me in 12 years and so it hurts that he can make the effort when he wants for others but definitely not for me
I’ve just remembered we went out to a friends party a few years back and he had a strop because people wanted to chat to me on our way out - it ruined the evening and I can’t be bothered to go through that again

I can’t leave my kids without emotional support which DH never can provide - so got to stay for another 6 years . If it wasn’t for the kids I would have walked years ago.

I can’t explain any of this in real life - how could you?

A previous poster asked if friends and children make up for emotional support and this has been my coping strategy- as well as work and hobbies. But it is soul destroying being married to someone who just isn’t interested and never will be .

@middleage3 Its so hard to explain this in real life. It's almost impossible to articulate the exhaustion and loneliness in my opinion.

I have a question, does anyone else here have a diagnosed DH who is a demand avoidant type, or has a low empathy score? If so, how do you manage on a day to day basis?

My DH is a deeply demand avoidant ASD person, who also has a very, very low empathy score.

His latest thing is asking me to be quiet when he's in the kitchen on his laptop as I cook dinner, as he apparently can't take me talking to him while he focusses on his special interest.

He also cannot/will not do household tasks, to the point of sometimes swearing at me if asked to help with something when deeply into his interest.

I can't really answer that @LondonHerbivore32, as DH hasn't had any formal assessments yet.

I do feel sad reading about people giving up. That comment about

But it is soul destroying being married to someone who just isn’t interested and never will be

Struck a chord with me because I've felt like that about DH & can identify with the exhaustion and loneliness and feeling unloved. But when I insisted on going to Relate, something shifted. He's making an effort in ways he's stubbornly refused to do in the past, like washing, shaving and wearing clean clothes. This is important to me.

He's trying to help more, not just doing the things he likes, such as driving, but the boring stuff that keeps the show on the road. I have to ask, but before when I asked he'd say yes and not do it.

Of course this may not last. But I'm no longer feeling so desperate. Small shifts can have large effects.

He still hasn't read the book about counselling for Asperger couples, but he's now promised he will do it this week.

I never doubted that he was interested in DD and although he could be pretty inept he learned very fast.

I know I couldn't tolerate the verbal abuse and criticism that some of you have to endure but dear God there have been times when I wished we could have a row, instead of the total shut-down I'm faced with when I try to discuss anything emotional.

He has been critically ill and in intensive care several times, in fact part of my desperation is to improve things and be able to enjoy life with him again before it's too late ☹️

Can I join? I'm struggling with DH at the min as he isn't sleeping again! Usually will fall asleep around 2-3 AM, he just lays in bed on his phone making SO many noises, I want to suffocate myself with the pillow sometimes......

This thread is a godsend.

I've questioned whether I was making unreasonable demands, whether I was too high-maintenance, whether I am needy for years.

I'm none of these things.

And nor are you.

I had to laugh at the ‘making an effort to be sociable’ because it’s exactly what H is doing atm.

After years telling me he refused to socialise with work, that they are awful etc... he has suddenly decided to go out for a work do bowling . He is getting involved in a club and is in the committee (his new special interest) etc...

It seems that me stepping back a lot means he suddenly has realised he needs to do something. A shame he never found it could be a good idea when I was trying desperately to integrate in our community (I still haven’t but I have given up altogether so it feels like it doesn’t matter anymore .

Vivarium I totally get it, it is impossible to have a conversation about anything normal or emotional and for years I have been second guessing myself.

Things have been going downhill here. I had never heard of "demand avoidant" until I read about it here , but that's absolutely hit the nail on the head for DH now I looked it up. It explains why he has struggled massively over passed few months.

He is on anti-depressents, has been for a few weeks. It's like walking on eggshells, the tinyest need to raise something or disagreement spirals out of control, sometimes for the smallest most ridiculous of things that will apparently hurt his feelings, yet he seems to have very little empathy.

Something I periodically get sad about is that we (I!) never got to have a second baby. I will never get over it fully, but I no longer wallow. I cannot have a conversation with him about it though, even in a light-hearted way. He just looks like a rabbit in the headlights and says " I don't know what to say".

This is all irrelevant I suppose as we no longer have sex and I can't actually see it being on the cards without something radically changing.

But then I think, I am only 36. Is this it? Am I too old? Am I writing off the rest of my life? Will I regret it?

@earlgreymarl If you want another baby, you're definitely not past it but you need to make it your top priority. I had DD at 42 but we lost four and I'm still not over it, 21 years later. Do you want another child with your DH?

Or did I misunderstand your post? Has that ship sailed?

MrsSpocks I feel like of we couldn't achieve it together, share in dealing with that together, then that ship has sailed for us, but it definitely doesn't stop me imagining other possibilities.... like what if he made more of an effort, what if, in another situation, it was a possibility for me, that sort of thing.

I am so sorry for all your losses MrsSpocks. I am sure it's something it's not possible to get over

I suppose I wish it is something we could share, but still want it anyway. It's the sharing isn't it, it's good to be part of something together.

Mrs Spock

I think that’s the thing in my house - there is no sharing . Over the years I feel like the carer that has driven it all , made all the decisions and dealt with all the problems - on my own.
It’s a big burden when you think about it.
There’s no sharing of how your day has been. No sharing of what are your plans for the weekend . No sharing of ideas for the future. Domestic tasks are shared with explicit directions and a cleaner .

My head has been like this all week ;

• I want to leave . I really want to walk out . I am better than this- I deserve better.
• kids need me for emotional support . There’s absolutely no way I can share custody. I couldn’t leave them with DH as they would be emotionally neglected
• therefore I stay for 6 years
• then kids will need financial support at university. I am wage earner. Can’t afford to have my own place
• I am trapped
• fed up of thinking about this
• get on with life

Thanks to you all for the kind welcome

I feel like I could have written all of your posts. Middleage I totally relate to what you're saying. I feel like I'm singlehandedly dragging us through life. I put in all the thought, energy, planning, organising, emotional labour..... He'd never look at something and think, 'that could do with a clean' or the children could do with a new coat / shoes / whatever but then if I ask him to help out with something I'm bossy and controlling.

He's like a moody lodger who had no responsibility for the house or the children and if he does something like take out the bins or cuts the grass I'm supposed to feel so grateful because it's not his responsibility (and ignore all the stuff he wrecks in the process).

I could weep (and sometimes do) when I look at most couples who are at least in it together.