Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria He's sensed the shift in you and doesn't know how to handle it. Mine is the same, except he's trying to be on his best behaviour since I told him and our counsellor that I didn't feel it was fair for him to live in fear of me ever shouting, since it triggers immobilising memories of his Dad and reduces him to a pitiful husk. I said I couldn't guarantee that I will never shout for the rest of my life, and also sometimes it's quite good to shout, and the occasions on which I feel like shouting are on the up.
. I, too, swing from rage to sorrow, and it is exhausting and depleting.Something has gone and I think I'm staying out of empathy rather than deep love. I also feel manipulated beyond belief.

Yes, think you're right, Europa. And, also, I feel manipulated too.

I've bene reading the thread from the beginning in chunks (it's hard going, we're all so fucking worn down and with just bloody cause) and the thing about the triangle of drama really struck me.

He sees himself as the victim and me as the rescuer/persecutor. And, to be honest, so do I.

I've coped in the last five years thinking "he doesn't like people, but, he chose me. That's a hugely flattering thing". I spent years trying to improve his relationships with his family, get him some friends, get him to join in with the community - he doesn't actually want to do any of it.

I put my foot down over his interactions with our middle child. He's a dreamer, easily distracted and 13. DH only talks to him to tell him off, nothing else. There is a line, and if someone is hurting your baby, well, that's a big line. "you give him nothing, he needs you to spend time with him, get to know him, he's not a toddler any more, it takes time and effort to parent him" "well, what should I do with him?"...and I saw red. Actual scarlet. "you are asking me to tell you how to build a relationship with your own child? No. You can't copy my relationship with him because I have invested in that since before he was born. You can't steal my work and pass it off as your own. Figure it out. Put the effort in, do the hard thing and make time for him, I'm not spoon feeding you how to parent any more".

This is, now I'm thinking about it, the first time I've told him to bog off and do it himself, that I am not rescuing him any more. That he's persecuting his own son, for no good reason other than the boy is now a teenager and the game is changing.

And, now he's not speaking to me.

Because he knows I'm right.

You know, I've been to counselling with him and without him and 2 days of you lot I have more strength and insight than all those weeks of work.

We have our appointment for assessment at Lorna Wing Centre. In the meantime I've slipped back into organising everything and keep forgetting to step back and try to get him to do stuff.

I've tried telling him how I feel sometimes, since he has claimed he hardly ever knows.

Example: sitting side by side on couch-

Me: 'I'm feeling very low, sad and tearful, missing DD and my Mum, sad about the babies [we lost four]

Him: do you want to go out?

I'm beginning to realise just how many of my assumptions have been wrong all along.

@MrsSpocksSister Just jumping in to say hello and and I hope it goes ok with the appointment. Hugs x

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria I really do feel your pain. Glad this thread is helping to give you some clarity. I'm feeling so much pain from all of you - you are all suffering so much. Hugs to you too x

Spocks I am sorry about your losses. That's hard.

Hope the appointment goes well and you get what you need from it.

I've had a lovely morning out walking with female friends. Need to do more of that. I've always tried to maximise time with DH partly because he's had so much ill- health. But he's well now and he's certainly content with his own company.

I hope it's alright for me to join you all?

I used to post years back on the "Cassies" threads.... I found this and the other similar thread again recently and have been lurking and reading......

I've been married for 17 years and 'D'H was diagnosed by Maxine Aston. Before the diagnosis I imagined seeing someone was going to really help but that hasn't been the case for us at all.

I have to children (12yo and 8yo) and I feel like I'm living in a big, depressing, muddled up mess. I can't even start going into details and I'm sorry this is such a ramble. I'm on the verge of tears at the very idea that people understand the sort of thing I'm going through.... I've found it's best not to talk to people about it in real life for lots of reasons.

I think I can relate to every post on here

Hi Snap, and welcome.
I can relate to everything you say, apart from mine isn’t formally diagnosed.
I’ve just been lying in bed thinking that the real me is disappearing. I really need to get out before I go under completely.

Hi SnapCackle. Welcome

It is nice (if that’s the right word) to know we are all in a similar boat and there are people who understand xx

Meant to say to MrsSpock

Why did the diagnosis not help, spock?

No pressure to answer - I spent years thinking "that's the answer, get a diagnosis", but, then what? He's a successful man, excels in his field - there's actually nothing wrong with him!

The ONLY issue his attributes cause is difficultly in his marriage, and, there's not anything a service or a medic could do about that.

Am starting to think that I'd like him diagnosed so I can have "permission" to leave. Do you know what I mean? To take away the hope that he might do what he promises that he'll do and that he'll change his behaviour.

Vivarium yes I hear you. It feels like my choice is either accept I will never ‘feel loved’, be shown kindness & empathy or leave. I’m not sure there is a middle ground?

Sara Hendrickxs says exactly that, Moffa. The NT partner has to accept and adjust because the AS will not be able to.

I never gave that any credence. my husband is able to do anything that he wants to, he's really remarkable in the things he pulls off...the key there being "that he wants to".

The conclusion must be that he just doesn't want to do the things that I need.

And so, here we are. Me realising that I don't matter to him, or at least, not enough for him to just do the things I ask for. And, that I never will get those things, that he will never put me first, not ever.

He promised that he would cherish me. He had no right making that promise. I am raging about that.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria, I've tried twice to answer your post but it's hard. We don't yet have a formal diagnosis but I'm confident that my diagnosis is correct (and am well qualified to make it). The mystery is why I didn't make it much sooner, but I'm slowly realising that there are many reasons. Perhaps the main one is that from the start of the relationship I've been imperceptibly doing more and more to compensate for his disabilities. And I won't take any lectures about how ASD isn't a 'disability' and doesn't need treatment. That may be true for many people but not my DH. Without me, he would be a derelict recluse, probably living in a hovel (as he was when we met) and either extremely unhealthy or dead.

I think a formal assessment and diagnosis will help because it needs to come from someone other than me. I don't want to be his doctor, any more than I want to be his mother or his executive secretary, It may help us both to understand the extent of his disabilities. I suspect now that he's not indifferent to my emotional needs but actually blind to them. For the first time, I'm realising that he doesn't tell me how he feels because he literally doesn't know. And he doesn't know how I feel, even when I tell him. It's a truly staggering degree of disability in someone who is apparently functioning well on a day-to-day basis. I hope we may learn strategies to lessen my distress and loneliness. But I'm also grieving because I'm never going to be loved back the way I love him. And to be honest I sometimes (like now) feel so angry about that, I can hardly bear to be near him.

And yes, welcome Snap

@MrsSpocksSister your post gave me goosebumps for some reason. I've left my ASD ex-partner but I'm still so angry with him.

@MrsSpocksSister You so eloquently put into words what I've been trying to articulate to myself for ages now.

I'm several weeks post diagnosis with my DH and wading through lakes of grief and rage, as I process it all. Seeing the report really felt like the death of all hope that anything could ever get better in my situation. Like others have said I've lost so much of myself, by accommodating him, that I hardly know the person I've become.

I'm feeling a lot better after a good cry and a good sleep. I don't want to add to a sense of hopelessness on this thread: I feel hopeful on my better days.

DH is still making an effort. He asked after my well-being this morning, including my anxieties about his health and about my sister, who has cancer.

We've agreed he'll take over responsibility for tasks that can be done online, to take some of the load off me. He already does some of these when asked, so it's not a big leap.

He said 'I know I'm not the ideal husband' but who has one of those?

Does anyone know how long waiting lists to be seen for asperger assessment?

Also, I don't think my own self is irretrievably lost. I'm still in here somewhere.

a hug to everyone. I was on the last thread but stepped away for a bit because it was overwhelmingly sad, and reading so many stories of couples further down the line than me made my future seem so hopeless.

I came down with a vomiting bug on Friday night, i was sat on the bathroom floor feeling dreadful. It seemed to have come out of nowhere. Then i felt a hand on my shoulder and for a split second i was confused. My son had come in, he tried to hug me, wrap a towel around me and then looked around for a cup to get me some water. There was only his which was full of milk, so he gulped it down quickly and then climbed up on his step and filled his cup full of water for me. I was so touched and grateful. My husband - of 6 years/together for 11 years - has never done anything remotely like that. It was bizarrely familiar, you know, from a time when i had a NT partner. I couldn't believe how long it had been since i last felt comforted or valued in that way until that moment. My son is three.

I'm starting to feel a little better, but i am sat typing this amongst dirt, mess and rubbish. There are no clean towels (even though i did 5 loads of washing when i started to feel ill, there is not one clean cup. The rest of the 'clean' washing has now got a fine coating of dog hair as my husband does not see putting washing away as his job, and the clothes seem to have been kicked about the bedroom.

After asking four times this morning, he finally brought in a small load of washing that had been out since Friday and rained on several times. Next to that sits the kitchen bin that i washed and left out there to dry. The piles of rubbish bags are stacking up because i washed the bin so why should he do anything with it? But, he's finally brought the bins back into the garden from the Wednesday pick up. I've sent him out to get lunch for our son in more sanitary conditions and i know when he gets back i'll be down to me to sort the house, or suffer the consequences of asking him to do something.

Please, someone give me some positive stories of loving, kindness from your partners.

Hope you are feeling better @sadness.

My husband does practical things around the house all of the time. He goes to get shopping etc. Our son is 4.

My husband needs direction when it comes to physical affection. He needs to hear, I want to have a cuddle. Although today he said he will hug me later as he upset me this morning before he went out.

My son also responds with empathy and would bring me a tissue if I was sad. My DH would need to be asked.

I get comfort from DH just being near me so if I'm poorly / nothing else needs doing I will explicitly ask him to lay with me.

It causes less stress to just tell him what I need him to do. I can't expect him to act a certain way spontaneously if it doesn't come naturally to him.

My husband is what I and he now as well suspects is Aspie. Over the summer I lay down my cards and told him exactly why I had enough. It had to really really specific.

One of the things was he needed to look after me when I was ill. A few weeks ago I had a planned surgery and because it has been booked in months in advance, he did look after me. But he couldn't do two things at once (Look after me and work) so skipped work (thankfully self employed).

I am grateful but I know and still feel like I wish he was emotionally there for me, but he never will be. I just need to accept it. But it's easier said than done.

And like all of you said, the difference has been highlighted since having my NT child. My NT child can always read my emotions and will react accordingly, my DH on the other hand needs to be told exactly how I am feeling and what I need him to do. It is hard.

Thank you for your replies.

When i was recovering from surgery and also when i had my c-section i was very clear to him that i needed help, and what the help was, i didn't get any. I had a lot of pain from surgery that lasted a good few months and he took a week off to help with our son, but he barely did a think and made a very poor attempt at looking after our son. I had to keep getting out of bed to tell DH to change nappies and feed and dress our then 18mth old. It was a very stressful and upsetting time. I still have to tell DH to go to our son when he falls and hurts himself etc.

Can the emotion connection to our child(ren)/friends (i don't have any close family) be enough to pull us through what we are missing?

Strangely, DH gets upset/offended if i don't respond to his illnesses- paper cuts, and is visibly put out when our son refuses a hug from him.