Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

@earlgreymarl Thank you! Right back at you. @Moffa we don't have any DCs together but i have a DD,21. He's never really made the effort to bond with her at all, which is hurtful; she's the one that drops everything to hug him when he's back, etc. I'm always, without exception alone for my birthday, and now have had enough of crappy gifts so i buy my own and he pays for them!! This year I booked a week away with a gf and he was so relieved not to have to try and choose something for me by himself it was comically palpable! We have just had a discussion about whether or not we should bring up his (undiagnosed) AS traits with our counsellor tomorrow, and i managed to phrase it carefully enough that he seemed to understand my desperation and agreed. Just in that fraction of a second i felt a glimmer of hope. Then he started telling me about his toothache and bad nights sleep again. plus ca change....

@europa70 yes, Relate has been helpful for us.

@AutisticHedgehog I am highly qualified, though that doesn't necessarily help when you're emotionally involved.

Feeling for you @Europa I hope it goes well tomorrow.
I thought I was a bitch for buying my own presents, but I see this is a recurring theme. Got a paperback (I'd already read) for our 20th WA and no dinner as he'd had a mcDo. You'd think they are trying to tell us something, wouldn't you? But tonight he is coming back from a trip and 'soo looking forward to' seeing me. Shudders

Oh god badaboom.the presents! We have given up. Heartsinking is the word. I have actually amused myself in a monologue rant ( unheard) about the travesty of gifts over the years . In the first year, he got some fab thoughtful cool gifts.

Europa we've been having Relate couples counselling for bloody ages due to his infidelity. He insists on going as he's terrified I'll walk. It's been ok, although the (quite good) female therapist has a tendency to fall for his hangdog 'weight-of-the-world' persona and paint me as unreasonable. He is trying hard though, to be fair. Just be very clear about your needs and don't allow your H and the therapist to engage in a pity-party.

earlgreymarl honestly just a few lovely, genuine words on a piece of paper would be wonderful.

Hi everyone, I'm sorry many of you are struggling so much with your partners. I hope you don't mind me posting as I'm the one with ASD (I was diagnosed this year) in my relationship, but I wanted to say something as I know what it's like to live with someone on the spectrum and to be negatively affected by their behavior. My DF and DB are probably both in the spectrum and my dm is going for an assessment at some point too. As a child I was terrified of my df's temper. He had such a short fuse and the noise and chaos of us dc would set him off like a firework. He would lash out at dm and us dc. My dm struggles to demonstrate sympathy or empathy and often fails to offer comfort if mysekf or my siblings are experiencing difficulties. Both my dp's are the product of bad childhoods and they have both got much better with age.

Having been brought up with shit role models I consciously made the decision to break the cycle of abuse years ago when I first got together with exh. I didn't want to be either the perpetrator or the victim of physical or emotional abuse or neglect, so I had counselling, we had couples counselling, I did parenting courses when the dc came along and I tried so hard to be mindful of my loved ones feelings. This was before I knew I was autistic.

I think perhaps autistic women are more inclined than autistic men to try to compromise and be mindful of their loved ones, but I couldn't say whether that is nature or nurture. Women are more likely than men to be socialised to be amenable after all. I do know that nobody should have to tolerate being treated badly though. Even if it's because of autism or some other condition, it's the effect, not the intention that matters. Just because someone says 'they can't help it' doesn't make it OK and an effort to compromise has to be made on both sides, not just one. If it still doesn't work it doesn't make sense to continue in a miserable relationship, even if it 'isn't their fault'. Sometimes people are just not compatible and will only make each other unhappy due to the disconnect and lack of mutual understanding.

I have dc, one of whom has been referred for an autism assessment. I think because autism wasn't identified or understood in bygone years there was no way for autistic children to learn how to do relationships. They were so traumatised by having to function as best they could in an NT world without any guidance about their condition, or even knowing they had it, that there was no energy left to learn about how people interact successfully. They couldn't manage their triggers, have time out when needed to recharge, openly stim when anxious without reproach etc so they were in survival mode constantly. I'm hoping that now that our understanding is that much better, autistic children will be able to grow up with the ability to manage their stressors and triggers in a way that doesn't completely exhaust them, thus giving them time and energy to observe and participate in healthy relationships, with people who are able to meet them half way that is what I want for my dc.

Hedgehog this is a thread in Relationhsip. There aren’t a lot of threads on there that are all happy and explaining how easy (NT) relationships are. Quite the opposite.

No one here has said that ALL relationships with people in the spectrum are Ike this.
Just that our PERSONAL relationships are like this and happen to be with someone on the spectrum.

From the threads in Relationhsip, I’m sure you wouldn’t extrapolate that all NT men are abusive. Even though so many of them seem to be in those threads.
So why should anyone assume that ALL men on the pesctrum are a nightmare to live with??? Why do you think anyone would make that generalisation?

Itchy thank you for your post and your insight.

This has been standing out for me
Just because someone says 'they can't help it' doesn't make it OK and an effort to compromise has to be made on both sides, not just one. If it still doesn't work it doesn't make sense to continue in a miserable relationship, even if it 'isn't their fault'. Sometimes people are just not compatible and will only make each other unhappy due to the disconnect and lack of mutual understanding.

I wish I had understood that years ago. This is so true.

Itchy Thank you

@ItchyAnkles you are amazing - thank you for your post.

@Itchyankles Your post has given me so much; I badly needed a coherent view from the "other side"and you have helped me empathise more with the struggles my H must have dealt with growing up with both parents highly functioning AS. Heartfelt thanks.

Wow, I really didn't expect these responses. If anything I was a bit scared to post in case I offended anyone, whether it was NT people with AS partners or AS people who have already been upset by this topic.

I'm so gad to have helped in some way. I really don't feel amazing, I feel like just a mum trying to get by and not doing very well most of the time as my resources are very limited by the ASD. My goal in life is to give my possibly AS child the best opportunity to successfully manage his anxiety triggers and form successful relationships. He has so much empathy and loves people. I'd hate for the teenage years to kick in and the stresses cause him to shut down and be cut off in order to survive. That's where the damage is done. Seeing my df change over the years has lead me to believe that if he'd just had that support as a child and teenager he'd have learned to control his emotions and lashing out at people with stress would never have happened. He's lucky to have found my step mum and had a good relationship all these years, because the way he behaved before was intolerable, which he now acknowledges. He's had the space and support to learn how to manage his needs and and triggers effectively which should have happened as a child. My dm hates him, understandably, because of the past violence and it took their relationship to break down irreparably to begin his learning to control his behaviour. If he wanted to have relationships and not be lonely then he literally had no choice but to learn how to change.

I know a lot of you on here feel guilty about ending a relationship when the unwanted behaviour is possibly due to the autism. Don't. Everyone, whether NT or AS, has issues and baggage to varying degrees, and we all differ in our ability to recognise it and implement change irrespective of our neurological makeup. If you're miserable in your relationship and it isn't going to change, just end it. Concentrate on your dc and focus on teaching them the skills your partners' didn't learn.

To any autistic readers, I'm not advocating the damaging notion that we should all learn to mask in order to make NT's accept us. I openly stim if I'm uncomfortable, I'll tell people I need to be on my own if I feel overwhelmed, ill ask for things to be written down as a can't remember what I hear. I'm very open about my autism. For me It's about communication, whether verbal or written, between the two groups in order to be compassionate and try to be understanding.

Recently diagnosed myself. Diagnosis only took place because my (now recently ex) g/f told me that I needed to seek some kind of counselling for the fact that I hated socialising. At that time, I had no knowledge of Aspergers.
Spoke to my previous ex to see what she thought, and was rather surprised by the very emphatic YES - I THINK YOU HAVE ASPERGERS.
Oh.

I went to the diagnosis alone - and for those of you who are trying to get your partners diagnosed, that's clearly a mistake. Although I had been made aware of many of my characteristics I'm still oblivious to some of them. The letter arranging the appointment said that if I didn't take anybody, then they'd call someone - but they chose not to. My recent g/f read the diagnosis report last night and although she agreed with the findings in general, she strongly disagreed with a couple of points where they said I didn't display strong symptoms.

While we were discussing it last night, one surprise was regarding routines. Although I am aware I like routine for some things, I didn't think it was a particular thing for me. However - her perspective was that this is not the case at all, and made me realise that my need for routines is less about what I do but more about what she does (or doesn't do). No point going into too much detail but it was basically her saying : You expect me to do every day / week or whatever, and if I don't do it then you feel I don't love you enough, and you get unreasonably upset - and withdraw emotionally. Not only that - often it's something I'd want to do, but because I feel I HAVE to do it, it makes it feel mandatory.

She said one thing that stuck in my mind before she left last night, which I guess sums up how a lot of partners of people with Aspergers feel :

I always knew how you felt. You never knew how I felt.

Despite the above, we seem to be doing OK as friends and she has said she's happy to come with me to some counselling sessions.

This thread is interesting to read - although there are some posts which make me feel one step up from Lucifer - and I thought my (or actually my ex-g/f's view - might add another perspective.

Am married 16 years to a man who is undiagnosed.

Current thinking is that it's time to end it. I really don't want to give up on my marriage - but, he has proved himself to be unable to provide me with what I need. I have reduced my needs to 5 mins of conversation a day, one date night a month and one non-sexual hug a day. That's it. If he did that I'd cope. He doesn't, he won't and he never will.

I think our marriage has become unbearable for me.

We've been to counselling a few times, it's counterproductive. He says all the right things, he makes endless promises - he just don'ts do them. He breaks our marriage vows, he keeps the one about "don't shag about" but, the others he ignores. He only wants to do what he wants to do - which is drink wine and play his computer game, or whatever hobby he's wrapped up in at the time.

Pointing these things out makes him defensive and argumentative and then he leaves to be alone. So, nothing gets resolved.

I am so lonely.

Just posting to say thanks for the thread.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Stay on this thread and take strength from it; its providing a life-line for me and hopefully can help you too. You are not alone.
X

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria- I just wanted to say I hear you. I was on this thread a while back and it has been a fantastic support. I separated from my husband of 17 years (with undiagnosed AS) 6 months ago. It was the hardest decision I ever made but also the best. I just couldn't make it work as he didn't want the same from a relationship and now I realise that I was metaphorically bashing my head against a brick wall wanting something he didn't and expecting him to give it to me. You might have a different outcome but for me separation has been a big relief. As it happens he is still the father of my child so we will always have a relationship as coparents - just not a marriage. Good luck

This resonates with me. I ended things with my bf of 2.5 yrs. just couldn’t get him to see how important intimacy is, just a kiss, or a hug...

I just couldn't make it work as he didn't want the same from a relationship and now I realise that I was metaphorically bashing my head against a brick wall wanting something he didn't and expecting him to give it to me

I asked if he’d ever thought about getting assessed ... he said yes, but didn’t as he was afraid of the outcome. 🙄

I’m sad about the whole thing.he has such a lot of nice qualities about him, but the inability to understand emotions and intimacy I so important to me.

It strikes me that the only way to keep relationships going with a partner like this is to sacrifice your own needs.

I struggle with leaving him. We are married, I didn't do it lightly. If I give up then what does that say about me? Do you know what I mean? Like, if he had an illness I wouldn't leave him, so, why should I get to bail if he is wired differently? marriage IS hard, so, why should giving up be ok?

Only, I know, it takes two people to make a marriage work. My DH only wants to do his own thing - and I don't think he even realises that.

He's genuinely bemused by my unhappiness. And he doesn't care enough to try and do the things I ask for because they don't matter to him. So, he thinks they don't matter.

They do matter to me.

I matter.

I do.

But vivariumvivariumsvivaria he's not ill. Many people on the spectrum do care enough about their dp being unhappy to explore how to change it. Many NT people also don't care, and you possibly wouldn't think twice about leaving an NT person if they didn't meet your needs.

We on the spectrum may have social and emotional challenges which seem odd to NT's (you guys can seem really weird to us too!) but that doesn't mean it's OK for us to neglect our dp's any more than it would for NT's.

Basically, take the neurological makeup out of the equation full stop. If two people are incompatible then they're incompatible. It is what it is. The two nicest people in the world, who are loving and respectful, can have opposing needs and be incompatible and it would be OK to end the relationship.

Sorry if I sound flippant, I'm really not meaning to be. I know it's really hard when a relationship ends and it can take years to come to that conclusion and longer to find the courage to do it, but don't let the fact your dp has autism feature in the decision making process.

No, you don't sound flippant at all. Thanks, Itchy, you are right, of course.

He's got a brilliant brain. Whatever he wants to do gets done. If we weren't married I'd think "he's just not that into me" and move on.

I swing between rage and sorrow. He recognises that he neglects us, and he chooses to change nothing. I cannot comprehend that, I just can't.

The choice is accept it or leave, isn't it? It's not changed in 16 years, so, it's not going to change now.

Like, if he had an illness I wouldn't leave him
Actually I am now thinking that if my partner was ill (Let’s say MH or uncontrolled diabetes like my uncle had) and their behaviour was becoming intolerable, then I wouod leave too.
I think as women, we have been told self sacrifice and been a martyr was the norm. I dint think it should be.

So yes, pretty normal to adjust to someone who is ill or on the spectrum. The examples given by itchy are very good examples of adjustments that should happen wo a second thought. But if the relationship is becoming toxic, even if it’s because of an illness, then I don’t think there is any reason to stay.

Vivarium I am in the same position. I want to be loved & I want to be married to my H, as he was for the first 2 years of our relationship. But do I want to have this current life in 5,10,15,20 years? No way. He spends 99.99% of his time at work or sleeping. He does nothing with me or our children. He has NEVER spent a whole day with our children. He has NEVER not worked over a weekend (both days). On our one annual holiday he is exhausted from working so sits on a lounger reading. He drives me mad with his selfish ways. He always puts himself first (even in things like unplugging my phone to charge his etc).

He doesn’t value anything that I do (looking after 2 pre school age children, working part time & running my own business). I’m tired of him & his behaviour. I need counselling!

Fwiw vuvarium H didn’t change at all for about 16 years. Then I had really enough and I withdrew. I stopped sex, hugs, talking or trying to involve in planning anything.
THAT seems to have been the trigger for him to make an effort. Next was the actual recognition he is in the spectrum and he just cannot expect me to do any more running.

He is quite nice these days. No more sulking and grumpiness. He even notices when I am unwell.

The problem of course is that I am not into him anymore :(. Too late and too much hurt over the years :(
As with a pp dad maybe they need to really get through loosing someone/a relationship they care about to realise they need to put some effort in too.

Thanks folks.

I've withdrawn sex a few years ago, Brexit, I've never been in the habit of shagging strangers and seeing as how we don't talk he may as well be classed as a stranger. we have no physical contact at all unless I nag him into it. We have nothing planned together, haven't for at least 3 years. And, yes, I guess that illness does not forgive bad behaviour. Like Itchy pointed out, he's badly behaved because he chooses to be.

Moffa - that's a good question. I don't think I do want this life in 5 years.

He has said nothing to me now since yesterday morning. He was feigning anxiety (he slumps, drops his head and wrings his hands together and uses a stupid mumbling voice - does it whenever I raise these issues) I asked him if he was feeling anxious "yeeeeeeeeeees" "Then you shouldn't have to live like this. It's awful to feel anxious around someone you live with, you shouldn't be subjected to this. We shouldn't live together if I make you feel anxious" He looked right at me with a flash of pissed-off across his face, and guess what, his anxiety evaporated and was replaced with a sneer.

He didn't even give me the obligatory cold kiss goodbye this morning (I have been insisting on him saying hello and goodbye, he doesn't even do that!) on his way out to work.

That is new. I think we're done here.