OP and all of you whom have shared on this thread THANK YOU, it is life changing.
DH is 'there is nothing wrong with me' /undiagnosed, but in his case, probably a good thing as a diagnosis would probably give him unmitigated, unlimited justification for his habitual flaunting of common rules and codes. Frightening.
20+ years of marriage and finally - finally - reading this thread is like stepping on the other side of the looking-glass.
I don't talk about it to anyone, since in my experience it's pointless, pretty quickly you stop embarrassing yourself.
I won't bore you with the details of our joyless, boring home life; Groundhog Day every day with DH behaving like a devious 10 years old in a middle aged man's body, with access to the internet and a bank account.
Although we were lucky enough to start life on a good footing + in the 90's when banks were falling over themselves to lend you money, we have nothing to show for it. Debts, yes. He has created a prison of financial, social and emotional chaos which precludes anything but the most basic, immediate survival, forget clearing your head enough to even start seeing HOW you can get out.
He has gambled, and lost our house, the children's education, every material security and investment we ever had. (that's not theft, by the way, it's a personality quirk and makes for a very good dinner party story.)
As far as I am concerned, the money thing (which I cannot get my head around when you have dependent children) still hurts a hell of a lot less than the countless emotional betrayals.I always expect a knife in my back, just out of habit now. I wouldn't put anything past him. I am in no doubt that he would throw me under a bus to save himself. He would never look after me in bad health or dotage!
I have covered a lot for him, socially and in my mind, probably because at one point I had to accept that my mother is a narcissist (NC) so it was hard to admit there was something not right ALSO with him.
I reasoned that that since I was the common denominator between 2 difficult people, I must be the problem! Of course! Cue 20 years of trying to fix my many faults. Thinking I must be narcissistic and mad and bad for having these horrid, pointless arguments with him.
I am so sad our beautiful children grew up under the yolk of their father's self-inflicted bullshit. But they seem to be ok, for now, very grounded. Resigned (with various degrees of amusement) to their father's oddness and much more mature than he will ever be. They are great people and the light of my life. How can they not be affected ? A formal diagnosis for their father would probably benefit them more than him, I expect.
I feel so ashamed about how our lives have turned out. Although people's opinion shouldn't matter, it's mortifying to be associated with a loose cannon, suffer for his mistakes AND be tainted by association.
It took me ages to realise that for a long time he painted me as the pampered, never satisfied wife that demanded he took financial l risks to fund her lifestyle, not out of nastiness, just because that was a convenient explanation for his obviously stupid decisions!
I was, in fact, pleading with him to stop shovelling good money after bad into pies in the sky ventures. He hated me meddling into something I 'knew nothing about' and started to actively dislike me then, I think.
His friends seem to have all fallen through the cracks, or keep their distance now, invariably they have told me I was 'not at all what they expected' upon meeting them.
Luckily I still have some rock solid friends. I tell them the bare minimum, I don't want to lose them and also want to forget about him, sometimes! They understand enough and are of good advice when I ask.
There are very few things he can do on his own. He is exhausting and relentless in his demands.
Unusually he is away for a few days and I have had the sheer luck to come across this thread and time to read it and and process my shit. Unbelievable!
The deal is this now: I will care for him just as much as he cares for us., PLAN and EXIT!
Such a long post, sorry and thank you to anyone who reads it at all.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and feeling, an enormous help to me and many I am sure.
All the best to all of you. 