Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Dabbler I would have liked to have met up perhaps, but unfortunately I too, and far away from Brummie...

But it sounds like a nice idea you have there, and maybe some more on the DT forum will say yes.

*am far away, not "and" lol

Hi everyone!

Dabbler I can totally relate to the peering in at other couples and wondering. A friend told me her husband always kisses her hello and goodbye. It strangely hurt to hear that. Another asked me how often H takes me out for dinner and I had to admit it is never. The last time he took me out on our own was 3 years ago, when he was forced to by my mum. Another interestingly asked H this summer how often he sits down and has a family meal with the children and he had to admit it never happens. It makes me feel so sad.

Oddly since I’ve mentally made the decision to leave (he doesn’t know), maybe it has affected my behaviour as now he is being so nice to me. It’s almost frustrating as then I question my decision. I told my mum yesterday that it’s like living with a Jekyl and Hyde character, I never know who’s coming home in the evening. Anyway, despite the nice current behaviour, I still cannot live in this loveless state where he spends NO time with me and DC’s. I know he isn’t expecting what is coming so I don’t know the best way to handle it?

Should I try and talk it out or leave a long letter?

to you all, living like this is hell.

Oh & I saw a house yesterday. I can’t afford it and I think a rental will be the way forward but I stood in the house and could imagine being free.

Been keeping an eye on things, but first post for a while.

I've been told quite explicitly a number of times "I shouldnt have to tell you how I feel, if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here". Seems quite comfortable letting me know her displeasure on the other hand.

First weekend away together for a couple of years, and she invited her sister!

I don't know where the future lies right now.

Hi Daftasabroom, I read the entire old thread and this one so have seen your posts. I totally relate to some of what you said - particularly when you said it’s like she is taking a hug from you rather than giving one. If I ask for a hug from H he quite often holds his arms up in the air and lets me hug him briefly but doesn’t hug me back. I think it’s SO odd! I’m a huggy person, hug my friends and family (and squeeze my DC’s constantly, I can’t get enough!).

Did you ask why she invited her sister on your weekend away?

We've been through a rough time recently I'm many fronts so I thought a weekend just the two of us would be great to connect, we're still skint so nothing lavish. Inviting her sister means we can split costs a bit and get a free night on the way back. DW just completely missed the point, not a clue...

After 20 years together I find the complete lack of awareness of me, my feelings, my physical and mental health really shocking. It can be like I just don't exist as anything more significant than the dishwasher or tumble dryer.

Oh and I'm DH number 3 as well!

@Moffa So do you have a timeline in which to leave? What do you think is going to work best?

Has anyone visited the site Heartless Asperger's?

I found myself relating to a lot of what was written on there but I'm aware some will probably finding it overly negative and critical of those with Asperger's.

@MrsKrampus

Hi.. yes - I did.

It's quite extreme, with some bits absolutely spot on.

But... ASD is not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis. There are people who are at the bottom of the cheese wedge (using the Maxine Aston analogy here) and others at the top.

My ex did have some empathy - just not at the right time or the right place

I agree it's extreme, I was a bit worried about posting it on here because I don't want to cause offence. But reading the spousal testimonies was such a moment for me, I actually felt like I wasn't the crazy one!

You're right thought about it being different for everyone. My eldest son is Autistic and I have to believe there is a brighter future for him

@MrsKrampus there's no reason why there can't be :-) Decent counselling (with a really really qualified person specialising in ASD) maybe early on for your son to learn to modify behaviours will also help.
Ultimately it's up to a person with ASD to recognise that their behaviours may cause upset. My ex and I had one session of couples counselling with a specialist and that improved our situation immensely - but he kept on making excuses and we (or he, on his own) made many excuses and never went again.! Which resulted in a couple of years of me becoming a shell of myself living in a relationship with no real affection (or at least the sort I wanted).
I find the connection between ASD and narcissistic personality disorder on that website completely wrong and out of order so anyone reading this post please do not think that that's correct. NPD is something that cannot be treated. ASD however can, as you've done yourself @MrsKrampus  be managed.
Although I have to say if it isn't, and there's no willingness to change, then I'd run..

I've started reading the Counselling for Asperger Couples book and I'm finding it interesting. If DH reads it, that could be a starting point for making some changes. But I recognise the theme of grieving. We will never have the relationship I longed for. He will never be intimate with me or provide emotional support. He will not express love or appreciation. He will not take charge of anything that needs to be done. He won't work, volunteer or engage with people outside the home except for a limited few. I need to develop my life without him 🙁

midcenturylegs

ASD cannot be “treated”. www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/treatment/

Personality disorders can

But I think when you refer to “treatment” of ASD people you mean trying to get them to act in a way that makes their partners happy, at the cost of their own well being.

ASD is a difference. It does not need to be cured.

MrsKrampus - the future can be bright for your son if his difference is understood and accepted by his friends and family. And if he is not forced to squeeze himself into an NT-shaped world. I don’t have many friends, but the ones who get me are incredibly special.

Hi everyone, have any of you experienced infidelity with your AS partner? I have and there seems to be little information or support about this aspect.

@MrsSpocksSister that's exactly what happened to me. He went through short periods of seeing a counsellor and things improved, but he slipped back into old habits quite quickly. He does work though (and highly successfully) in IT - but every day I'd walk in the door and before he said hello he would recount an hour's worth of technical coding problems. In the end I just asked him to not talk to me about IT but I just had empty stares and he felt it awful of me as I was banning him from talking. He said I always talk about work but I tried to explain I was talking about people. I am still grieving - I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life - my self-esteem is still quite low (but I'm working on that).

@billydilly my exes Mum told me that Aspies by their nature do not stray away. But I know that my ex lied or omitted mentioning meeting up with women I knew he'd once liked. I knew he liked someone when he talked non stop about someone (we were friends beforehand for a long time).
He has a super bad habit of ogling women. I know that the staring thing is common, but this would be a feet to head to feet to head and his own head would physically move. He denied it all the time and a couple of times I just walked off and he had no idea why.
When I noticed that he was doing that to sec school girls walking to school it was the start of me thinking I wanted out - I have tween DD.

@YourMatesListIsEmpty I am sorry if I have upset you and you're right, my wording was wrong. Please accept my apologies 

Thanks, I'd always thought that holier-than-thou H wouldn't go there. Didn't stop him fucking one of my friends and having a protracted EA with another woman though. Worst of both worlds, lucky me.

@billydilly excuse my ignorance but what's an EA?
I'm so sorry to hear that he has done this to you. It does sound like you've been dealt a poor hand.
How are you feeling? What are your next steps?
I had to engineer our break up so that he thought it was him who'd instigated it otherwise he may have got nasty.

EA=emotional affair. He was infatuated with someone connected to one of our kids, they more or less dated in plain sight. She was less keen but enjoyed the ego-strokes as he's rich and successful. Strange that he was able to hold her hand etc while he avoids me like the plague unless it's for a shag. Fuck knows what I'm going to do. This was all a while ago btw.

Hi everyone,

I knew for a longtime something was wrong. I got distracted by sexuality for a long time as I couldn't understand his lack of intimacy. He hates being touched. It's like hugging an ironing board. When our son arrived, he could not cope with the noise, other kids, a change in routine. He can't handle any spontaneity. He hides behind the fact that he is a planner and criticises anyone who is not. He cannot read people's expressions or get nuances from conversations. He doesn't read. He had a good career until his late 40s in accountancy and then it started to unravel. Once he was expected to manage others, he crumbled. He can be silent and has no need to converse. He is completely content with not socialising.

After reading this thread it all suddenly fell into place. I could write a whole book on how it has impacted on me and our (mine and my neuro-typical son) lives. Like others, now that i have an understanding of his inability to act as a tactile, loving partner or father, i expect and demand nothing of him. He appears happier. We live as room mates. I miss conversation, i miss intimacy, i miss fun, laughter. I have a good job, some lovely hobbies and friends, a great relationship with my teenage son but I regret having spent the last 15 years (we've been together 17 years) in this relationship. Could go on for ever but I'll stop now! Big hugs to all those in similar relationships. I have not spoken to anyone in real life about this. I'm not confident that I will be believed or maybe I'm kidding myself maybe everyone will say why has it taken you so long to wake up.

@billydilly ah - I think my ex did that with a couple of women he went ski-touring (hut to hut skiing) with. Any female that skiied or climbed he worshipped but there were 2 particular ones he talked about non/stop and went away for climbing and skiing holidays with. And with condoms in his washbag. But I don't think any of them were interested in him as there was always the same number when he came back. Sigh.
Have you tried to talk this through with him?

Oh @Eyesfinallyopen

" We live as room mates. I miss conversation, i miss intimacy, i miss fun, laughter. "

Exactly that.

We're in counselling, he insisted. The other woman ( the one he shagged) was uber keen. Should have left them to get on with it, they're perfect for each other.

Oh Billy oh eyes that's awful.

Eyes I can totally understand, although am earlier down the track than you as DS is younger, although we have been together 13 years.

I fear for the situation where I don't have my lovely DS being so young and joyful in our home. I cannot imagine it being just us me and DH happily.

Recently my DH started treatment for depression so that has added extra difficultly. He hasn't started counselling ( putting it off) and hasn't responded seriously when I suggested, during a meltdown that ASD might be the problem.

Last few months have been awful in terms of out relationship.

PP mentioned that she didn't get any emotional support from her DH, but he expected full support / understanding / attention. I so get this now, it's complete double standards and lack of reciprocity.

I try not to cause hassle at the moment as he is depressed, but he is on the meds and as long as there are no problems, there are no problems, if that makes sense.

He says the same things to me each day. It's boring and lonely. He goes to bed about 8.30. He has no awareness, or energy and communication with him is terrible. It's obviously affecting me as well and I am sure, our DS.