Add
Hi all. 
Sorry in advance if this is long, or I'm duplicating anything someone else has said... I'm "nerding" a bit here, plus trying to get some clarity on some stuff for myself...
TL:DR I'm part of a family of probable aspies (including me) and trying to figure out how ASD ameliorates (or doesn't) harmful behaviours in relationships.
I'm kind of hoping what I write will help both myself and anyone else who feels they recognise some of my thought processes.
*
So I've posted on MN in recent months under different names but kept getting the heebie-geebies about privacy (I'm a bit paranoid ATM) so deleted then restarted again...
So anyway, I've mostly lurked on the site and only posted a few times in AIBU or relationships as having some issues with H.
I'm a bit anxiety prone, and especially when I've noticed this post I've wanted to read/comment but been scared as I believe I myself am on the spectrum (didn't really like other children as a child myself, my friends said I was weird and annoying as a teenager because I'm always goofing around - my H says this too, people used to think I was being rude when I wasn't because of my facial expressions or staring, as a grown up have been described as "unusual" quite often, I don't "get" sarcasm or jokes sometimes, have sensory issues, fairly frequent "stims", high level of intelligence but low level of common sense sometimes, obsessions, collections, and yet am disorganised and very inattentive at times... Blah blah, etc...
But because I'm very affectionate, have gained insight and adapted as I've got older, had a dysfunctional upbringing which caused other complicating symptoms, and there's nobody to give childhood history I can't really obtain a diagnosis...
However, I have children on the spectrum, and there's other in my family of origin who seem to fit the bill, and finally, I believe some of my friends and my hubby are too (I've noticed aspies seem to attract each other sometimes)...
So... Yeah...
My problem for some time has been, how to know where the "line" should be drawn in regards to accommodating for aspergers/ASD and not accepting it as a credible excuse for certain behaviours from my H in particular.
A lot of things he does are well within the realms of emotional abuse and there are too many issues to list here...
What I've had trouble with was how much his possible "ASD" (which he may of course, not have) means he "can't help it"...
But not only have I read a great article on emotional abuse (EA) that, especially assuming they're writing about non-ASD people, basically states it's the harm not the intention that matters. And I think that counts for people on the spectrum.
I myself have adapted a lot to try to behave better with others (not being so controlling, learning to understand other people's intentions much much better, being less obsessive and loads of other things), and I've noticed things about my kids that likewise, neurotypical people can do better for them - such as not being irritable if they are making odd noises or jumping, or encouraging interests and listening a little bit even if they're being bores (my eldest goes on about the universe sometimes), and in general I try to teach my kids to take turns talking, try to imagine other people's feelings if they can, and say if they need someone to explain something they don't understand (like a metaphor for instance)...
But in any case, unless someone is very far into the autism spectrum, it's possible to learn - at least to a degree... So yes, you can have a successful relationship with a non-aspie and an aspie but there might be adaptation needed by both parties.
But I think what I'm learning and what this thread is sort of helping with (as well as just thinking of it in terms of "normal" relationships - i.e. imagining neither party has any emotional or learning difficulties) is that if the harm to yourself goes beyond what you're willing to accommodate (which ideally should be none but rarely is anyone that perfect) then you have every right to ignore any "needs" the other person has.
An example in my case is that my H often accuses other people of lying or saying things they haven't said (while ironically being the one who actually does this), and often I can't tell if he's genuinely confused, or gaslighting me.
This is dangerous because if I accommodate for him enough I will start to doubt myself - let me rephrase - I have accommodated for him and literally let myself be gaslighted...
Now whether he understands fully that he's doing it, is still somewhat questionable. Personally I think he does at least sometimes.
But if we assume it's unintentional, it's still harmful to me, and I have to learn to protect myself.
I won't bore you with a list (because it would be long) but we have many more issues than this, and I'm finally realising that I've got to protect myself.
And if I eventually leave him (I'm not there yet but it's in my mind), his feelings can't stop me from practicing self care.
Not only that - if I can unlearn some of my shittier behaviours then anyone can.
I'm even at the point where I've been employed as a carer with others on the spectrum and one guy ,who everybody falls in love with instantly) is repetitive and demanding, but we are slowly teaching him how to plan, and wait.
But we choose that job, and his mother also loves him enough to help that job. Others don't have to if they don't want.
I guess I just feel like I'm finding my feet with not just allowing myself to be controlled, as well as not trying to control others.
It's a weird old minefield ain't it?
Anyway, I hope I haven't bored you to death! 
Hugs to all (because some aspired do like hugs a lot, believe it or not).
